The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (64 page)

Gloria bit her lip.

“
I’ve, um, been living at an auto repairs shop where I do odd jobs while I’m trying to get a loan to open my own business.”

My man has a plan?
Gloria thought.
Preach on!

“
I’m, um, practically first in line to buy the old Pizza Hut building on Melrose where I hope to open a pizza joint.”

And it’s just down the street from my house.
Gloria’s heart started sounding like a Bootsy Collins’ bass riff. “Really?”

“
I was kind of hoping you’d, I don’t know, quit your job and come help me run the place.”

Oh, Lord, You’re even answering my complaints!
“I’d quit my job in a heartbeat.”

“
Actually, I just need you—or even Marion—to cosign the loan since you have a good job and she has a house.” Johnny winced. “You sort of have to keep your job for a little while till I get the loan.”

I suppose I can stand Pamela Jean a little while longer.
“Of course I’ll cosign the loan.”

That was … easy. Thank you, God.
Johnny looked at her hands. “I still have nightmares, Gloria, and I’ll probably always have them. I still have a lot of baggage, but … Will you … will you heal me, Gloria Minnick?”

Gloria nodded.
My heart breaks and then mends for this man. It just has to be love.
“I’ll try, Johnny.”

Johnny slid his hand to Gloria’s stomach. “Or Rafe. That’s a good name. Or Sinjun. Wait! Gunn Adhamh Glendonwyn. Yes!”

“
Stop.”
Talking. Keep rubbing my stomach though. That feels so good.

“
Or Happy.” He picked Gloria off the ground, spinning her around. “Perfect! Happy Holiday!”

“
No.”

Johnny brought her down to earth. “Happiest Holiday?”

“
No.” She pulled him up to the altar.

“
Think of the birth announcement cards we could send,” Johnny said. “Gloria and Johnny wish you a Happy Holiday!”

“
No, and keep it down.”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Why? There are no secrets in this house either.” He looked behind him. “Right, Angel and Marion?”

“
Nope,” Marion said, popping up her head from a pew in the back, Angel standing and waving beside her. “And Happy is a good name for a baby, Gloria, unless, of course, it ain’t happy. Then we can nickname him ‘Crappy.’”

Gloria turned Johnny back to the altar. “We will discuss her name over lunch.”

Marion stepped out of the pew, walked forward, and hugged Gloria. “I’m happy for you.”

“
Thank you, Mama.”

Marion looked at the ring. “Not bad. I was expecting another rubber band.” Marion winked at Johnny, squeezed his hand, and left, taking Angel with her.

“
Um, Gloria?”

“
Yes, Johnny?”

“
Why are we up here?”

“
To make it official in front of God.”

“
But God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. He’s everywhere. We could make it official over at Country Cookin’. I hear their buffet is fantastic.”

“
Does this mean you’re talking to Him again?” Gloria asked.

“
Yeah. He’s pretty talkative. Lots of still, small voices.”

“
What’s He been telling you?”

“
He wants me to hook up with you forever.”

The things he says, and in church!
“Hook up?”

“
Yeah. God is pretty hip for an old guy.” He turned her to face him. “You still haven’t answered my question, Gloria.”

“
Which one?”

“
I asked you to marry me.”
Didn’t I? I think I did.

“
You asked me to heal you, and I said I’d try,” Gloria said. “You have yet to pop the actual question.”

Would an incorrigible rogue just blurt it out, or would he say something incorrigible?
“And what question is that?” Johnny asked.

“
Will you marry me?” Gloria said.

“
Yes.” Johnny smiled. “Are we done here? I’m hungry.”

“
What?”

“
I’m hungry. Famished. Empty. Starving.”

What just happened? He said …
“Wait a minute.”

Johnny waited, wishing he could check a second hand so he could wait exactly one minute.

“
I was answering your question about the question,” Gloria said.

“
You weren’t proposing?”

“
No. That’s your job.”

Johnny sighed. “But I already said I’d marry you. Where’s the fun in repeating the question? Readers would get so bored by the repetition.”

“
I want to hear it!”

Luckily, Faith Ministries was not a massive church, or Gloria’s words would have echoed for days.

“
Gloria Minnick?” Johnny asked, humbly and with shyness.

“
Yes?”

“
Thank you for asking me to marry you.” He batted his eyes. The pollen was back.

Gloria groaned.

“
You saved me from having to do it,” Johnny said. “After all, I am a shy guy.”

“
You, you …”

“
Go ahead and say it.”

“
You are an incorrigible rogue.”

“
And proud of it.” He looked out a window. “Hey, it stopped raining.”

Gloria nodded. “Yeah. It’s about time the sun came out.” She squeezed his hand. “Take me out in the sun, Johnny.”

“
Sure.” Johnny smiled. “We’ll have a holiday.”

And in about, oh, ten years,
Johnny thought,
we’ll have fifteen little holidays to call our very own.

50

Pastor Payton, the only one left in the vestibule, greeted them at the exit door. “Congratulations, Doc. So, when’s the wedding, Gloria?”

Gloria smiled and looked at Johnny as if he were the only man for her.

Johnny smiled at Gloria’s shoes and wondered how the news traveled so fast.
They had shut the doors, hadn’t they? I hope they didn’t film us. They film everything at Faith Ministries.

Pastor Payton laughed. “You two are too shy. It’ll have to be soon, right?”

Oh yes,
Gloria thought.
I have a blissful scene I need to play often until Sparky is born.

Oh yes,
Johnny thought.
I just have to get out of living at an auto repair shop first. I’d even settle for Marion’s basement.

Johnny took Pastor Payton’s hand. “Thank you. For everything.”

Pastor Payton squinted, his eyes dancing.

Oh no,
Johnny thought.
Here it comes.

“
You free tomorrow morning, Doc?” Pastor Payton asked. “Got some new carpet coming, and I need to move all these pews to the basement. My vision is to have the sanctuary carpeted and the pews back in place by Wednesday. Think you’re up to it?”

Johnny wished the pastor didn’t have so many visions.
Can’t he turn them off?
“Um, sure.”

Pastor Payton nodded at Gloria. “You got a good man here, Gloria. Always willing and able. See you tomorrow morning, Doc. Seven sharp.”

Once down the stairs, Gloria looked at the massive Cadillac, the only car left in the parking lot, a brilliant sun bathing it in warm light, Angel and Marion already inside it. “That’s your car?”

“
For now,” Johnny said, arm in arm with Gloria and walking over his sidewalk to the Caddy. He opened her door. “The Vega is being rebuilt to its former pristine glory.”

“
Why?” asked all three Minnick women at the same time.

They must practice that,
Johnny thought.
They need to get out more.
Johnny opened his door and got in. “A knight must have his horse, young Angel.”

“
It’s not a horse,” Angel said. “It’s just a car, but this one is much prettier than the other one.”

“
You want me to sell that ugly car?” Johnny asked.

Angel giggled. “Who would buy it?”

She giggled, but it’s not what I’m after today. I want her to break some Cadillac windows with her laughter.
“A blind man would buy it … for a song.”

Angel bit her lip. “A song?”

“
Yes,” Johnny said, “but he will be a mute man so he can’t sing it.”

Angel’s eyes widened. “So how will he pay?”

Johnny rolled out of the Caddy, jumped up on the hood, and waved both his hands in front of him like a third base coach of a baseball team, patting his chest, touching his nose, pulling his ears, and flapping his hands like a bird.

Angel’s face became a smile, but she still didn’t laugh. She cranked down her window and stuck out her head. “Is that it?”

Johnny’s hands froze in the air. “Now, here’s the chorus.” Johnny did every hand dance he could think of, even hand dances they didn’t do in
Pulp Fiction,
and by the time his body joined him to walk like an Egyptian from the hood ornament to the windshield, Angel was in tears laughing her heart out.

Yeah,
Johnny thought.
Who’s your daddy dancing on the Caddy?

“
You can’t dance at all, Johnny!” Angel cried.

And I will dance badly for you for the rest of my life, Angel.

Then, after years of laughing in his head, Johnny Holiday laughed, really laughed, and for no apparent reason at all. He laughed so hard that the entire Cadillac shook, and not just because the shocks were going bad and the tires were somewhat bald. The windows of the bar across the street rattled. The people in the Laundromat couldn’t hear the fifty-pound washers anymore. The folks playing softball at the nearby park turned their heads. Tears formed in Johnny’s eyes, his laughter echoing to and from the Appalachian Mountains.

Gloria got out of the car. “You’re laughing, Johnny.”

Johnny nodded and continued to laugh.
I’m guffawing! I’m chortling! I’m a cackle machine!

Gloria jumped up onto the hood and held him. “You’re really laughing. But why?”

“
I’m laughing because I’m not laughing inside my head anymore!” Johnny said, still chuckling. “Isn’t it great?”

Angel’s eyes were the widest Johnny had ever seen them.

And now I’m scaring the children!
He caught his breath and wiped his eyes.
And I’m seriously denting Byron’s Cadillac. I may have to buy The King’s car now that I’m the king of Gloria’s heart.

“
Johnny,” Gloria pleaded, “let’s get off the nice car.”

Johnny shook his head. “Don’t you like the view up here?”

Gloria looked around. “What are we looking at?”

“
Life,” Johnny said. “Just … life.”

Art and Rita, new Faith Ministries members and refugees from Buffalo, waved at him from their apartment across the street. Pastor Payton and his family sat on the church steps arguing over where to go for Sunday lunch. Cars raced by. The bar owner washed his front window. The crack of the bat dinged out from the park. People folded clothes.

I see you all and feel you all,
Johnny thought.
I may even write about you all. I hope I can do you proud.

Angel and Marion got out of the Caddy. “You’re not seriously going to restore the green monster,” Marion said.