The Wraeththu Chronicles (62 page)

"It is impossible!" I cried. "My father would never allow it!"

Aihah sat demurely with his hands in his lap. "Terzian is Wraeththu. If he was doing his duty toward you correctly, he would have realized this for himself. It is not a question of what his feelings will allow. That is for humans, that indulgence! You must tell him, Swift."

"I can't!" Even though I was pacing around the room, wildly throwing my arms about, I knew that the grief had left me. I knew why. Once, beside the lake, I had let Cal into my head and his presence had lodged there. My body had fixed itself upon him. No other would do.

"Will you tell Terzian for me, Aihah?" I begged, but he shook his head.

"No, I won't. You must tell him yourself."

"But what if he says no?"

"He won't. He is Wraeththu. Although our differences from humanity seem little but an inconvenience to your father at times, he will understand this, Swift, I promise you that."

"Hmm. Maybe I'll ask him tomorrow."

The Kakkahaar laughed. "Why wait that long? Go and see him again now before he arranges anything. Tell him that you've talked to me . . ." (Ah yes, I thought. They know we are afraid of them.)

Just as I was steeling myself to go and face my father, a horrible thought came to me: Cobweb. I grabbed Aihah's arm. There was no need for words.

"Ah, your hostling," the Kakkahaar said. "I realize this might cause friction. I will speak to Cobweb for you; I can do that at least."

"Why do you want to help me?" I asked, wondering what he had to gain.

"Why? Well, that is simple. We don't know what will happen to us in the future, do we? If I am to die, then I hope someone will do the same for my own son. Every action has a reaction."

"I see."

"Not entirely. Your education has been sadly neglected. You are unusual for a Varr, Swift. You owe it to yourself to find that knowledge. Don't leave it too long. Now, go to your father."

Terzian was surprised to see me again, glancing impatiently at the clock on the wall when I walked in. He always worked very late, sitting alone, wrestling with his problems. The papers on his desk were covered in scratchy drawings, the odd word written thickly and underlined here and there. "What is it, Swift?" he asked coldly.

"It cannot be Leef," I said. It took a moment for what I said to sink in. He had probably already forgotten about our earlier conversation. "What?"

I went closer to him. "I've been talking to Aihah."

Terzian rolled his eyes. "Go on."

"Well, it'll be my first time and I want, I need. ... It has to be Cal, father." I hardly ever called him that. I hardly ever spoke to him directly. He stared at me thoughtfully and I like to think that then he saw me properly for the first time.

"You are so like your hostling," he said, lacing his fingers before him on the desk. "Perhaps I have never spent enough time with you, Swift. Sit down."

I had expected an outburst; now I had no idea what to say.

"How did you reach this conclusion?" he asked reasonably and I thought, My God, he is listening to me. He has actually heard what I said!

I related some of my conversation with the Kakkahaar and he pursed his lips.

"I had no idea you felt this way," he said at last. "Aihah said you would understand," I murmured. Would that make him angry?

Terzian laughed. "Understand? I can't dispute that Swift! Cal does seem to have a traumatic effect upon everyone he meets."

"Are you cross with me?" I asked carefully.

Terzian leaned back in his chair. "Why should I be?"

"I don't know ... I thought ..."

He leaned toward me. "Perhaps I should have realized, but I've had a lot on my mind recently. Your choice is a good choice, Swift, but there is one thing. . . . Oh, hell, I don't know how to say this! Cal is a very strong person; his personality is strong. It may swamp you. I hope you can cope with it."

"I think I can," I replied.

Terzian smiled thoughtfully. "Hmm. It's as well you came to see me tonight. I was going to confirm the arrangements with Leef in the morning. He will be disappointed, Swift. I thought you liked him."

"I do," I said. "But, well, he was just not the one."

"I understand," Terzian replied. "You'll just have to make it up to him later."

We laughed together like adults.

Cobweb was waiting for me in my room. Aihah had lost no time in telling him about my decision. I was afraid he would strike me, but he contented himself with grinding his long talons into my arms as he shook me.

"Are you mad?!" he raged.

I tore myself away. "No!"

"He will poison you!"

"No!"

"What was it you said to me, Swift, that night so long ago? Wasn't it something like, 'I'll never betray you, Cobweb'?" He made an angry, sneering sound. "It didn't take you long to forget that, did it?"

"Alright!" I shouted. "You're right and I'm wrong. You're right to want me to surrender my body to the wrong person and I'm wrong to want to surrender it to the right person!"

Cobweb suppressed a smile. "He's really got to you, hasn't he? First Terzian, now you! Where will it end?"

"I wonder!" I rubbed my arms. My beloved hostling had drawn blood. Contrite, he drew me to him and kissed the claw marks.

"Hard to imagine you in Cal's arms," he said shakily.

"Thank you Cobweb."

His eyes were shadowed. He looked away.

I was so nervous of having to face Cal that I stayed in my room until the following evening. My head was aching and I could not eat. All I wanted to do was sleep, but because my skin was burning I could only toss and turn on the bed. At suppertime, there was a knock on my door and my heart seemed to jump into my mouth. "Come in!" I called, sweat breaking out all over my body, but it was only Swithe.

"How are you?" he asked. He had brought me some milk and a meat sandwich.

"I feel ill, of course!" I retorted irritably. "How are things downstairs?"

Swithe smiled. "Same as usual, I suppose. We haven't been invaded yet anyway! I heard that Ponclast is coming down next week. He'll probably still be here for your Feybraiha."

"Already the event is enriched beyond my dreams!" I groaned sarcastically. "Where's my father?" This was an oblique question, but its meaning was not lost on Swithe.

"Oh, he's been talking to Cal in his study. They've been locked away together for hours. Even had their meal in there."

"Oh God!" I pressed my arm across my eyes, every muscle in my body flexing with self-conscious shame.

"Leef was here today," Swithe mentioned lightly. "Some say he left here in a fearful temper."

Restless to the point of agony, I went down to the drawing room with Swithe. Aihah and Shune and Cobweb were already there and they greeted me as brightly as if I were a lunatic, to be humoured at all cost. I was bored of constantly being asked how I was feeling. Cobweb offered me sheh and rubbed the back of my neck. "It'll soon be over, Swift," he said softly. Aihah smiled at me and his voice in my head said, "All is as it should be." i Feeling nostalgic, I wanted to see Gahrazel, but he never came to the house nowadays, living with the soldiers in the town, being with Purah, no doubt.

When everyone was talking, Cobweb beckoned me to go and sit with him again. I had been wandering restlessly around the room, going to the window, looking for the moon with its vague face, its soothing radiance.

"Terzian is speaking to Cal," my hostling said.

"I know." We looked at each other and I was grateful that he did not condemn me, as

perhaps he should.

"You must know that from now on, you must not be alone with Cal, don't you?"

I nodded. "Yes."

I put my arms around him, soft and hard, lean and full; my beloved mother of mystery.

"You're shivering. You should go to bed," Cobweb said.

I had often wondered how, during aruna, it was decided which har should be soume and which ouana, or if they could be both at the same time (an intriguing thought. I tried to imagine the mechanics of it endlessly). Swithe explained to me that the roles were interchangable and that, as far as he knew, no-one had attempted to be both at the same time. We both laughed at the thought of it. Apparently, the decision over who should take what role varied from tribe and tribe. For some, it might involve occult ritual; soume was the altar, ouana the blade of sacrifice, for others something that was resolved naturally. Among our own people, I learned that many hara (such as my father) had rejected the idea of submitting to soume and that they always chose to take aruna with hara that were content to let them take the dominant role. If this was not the case, foreplay to aruna often involved a battle of strength over who would submit to whom. (Varrs are never completely comfortable with the feminine side to their natures, hence the need for those such as Cobweb.) As I was so inexperienced, it was taken for granted that for my Feybraiha, I would be soume to start with. Swithe told me not to be alarmed if certain parts of my body withdrew into the safety of the pelvic cage while I was soume. "It is to prevent damage," he said. "Sometimes, aruna can be rather energetic and you know what parts of you are easily hurt."

"That will make me almost female," I said, uncertainly.

"Not entirely dissimilar, I suppose," Swithe agreed. "Although our sexual parts are much more complex than man's or woman's. Our ecstasy IN so much more intense, because it can be used to obtain power. That is why our bodies are so refined in this respect." He smiled. "I can still remember when I was incepted and the har who came to me first."

"What was he like?" I asked. Swithe smothered the dreamy, faraway look in his eye, and I thought of Cobweb.

"It was a long time ago," he said.

Moswell, thankfully sparing me any graphic details (which were bad enough from Swithe) was concerned mostly with teaching me about etiquette. I learned that it would be proper to avert my eyes unless told otherwise and to do exactly as Cal wanted me to. By this time, I was wondering if I'd made the right decision, being familiar with Cal's instinct to make a caustic joke out of any trying situation. The chaperoned meetings I had to suffer with him were a nightmare. It was very difficult to talk under such constraint for we already knew each other quite well, so it seemed utterly ridiculous having Moswell sitting there, watching us like a hawk.

"This has come as a shock, Swift," Cal said and then laughed at my furious blush. "Not an unpleasant shock, of course. But what a responsibility!"

"It won't be your first time though, will it?" I reminded him, meaning Pellaz.

"No. I must have an extraordinary talent for educating virgins."

"Cal, shut up!"

"Well, I've had no complaint so far."

It was impossible to suppress his carefree attitude and he was determined not to instil the slightest note of gravity into the proceedings.

The day before my Feybraiha, Ponclast and my father received momentous news that sent a hush and then a babble right through the house. Through Shune and Aihah, the Kakkahaar had communicated that they had achieved massive breakthrough with the problem of the weird barriers the Gelaming had constructed about themselves. Soon, a

passage would be completed through which the Varrs' armies could pass. The time had come. Restlessness spread through Galhea like a plague. Terzian would be leading his hara south within a week. This time, I felt I would be sorry to see him leave. He had been surprisingly understanding about Cal and also, this time, I was not so sure he would be back as quickly.

Terzian organized a great feast for my Feybraiha. It was to be the Varrs' leaving party just as much as my own coming of age. Yarrow roasted a whole ox in the yard and managed to procure sparkling Zheera, which isan extremely potent form of sheh and supposedly aphrodisiac, which made my father laugh when he heard about it. All the eminent citizens of Galhea were to be invited to the house and Ponclast gave me a gift to mark my coming of age, a jewelled, curved knife. It was very beautiful, but would undoubtedly snap like matchwood if used to defend myself. Gahrazel had turned out better than he had expected and he must have been feeling grateful to my father, whom he considered to be responsible.

On the morning of the great day, Bryony and Cobweb shared the task of choosing my clothes, brushing my hair and discreetly painting my face. "Not that you really need it," Cobweb remarked, "but it's nice to dress up for special occasions." The image that faced me in the mirror seemed like a stranger. Cobweb had made me trousers of pale, soft material in his favorite color, lightest green, almost white except in the folds. He weaved small, starry flowers into my hair and dabbed my skin with an expensive perfume which Terzian had once procured for him from some far place. Bryony sighed at me and said, "You look so lovely, Swift, like a woman, like a beautiful boy. I don't know whether to fancy you or feel jealous of you. I wish I could hug you."

"But you can!" I said and opened my arms. She felt small and slim and helpless in my hold and when I kissed her lightly on the lips I could see tears in her eyes.