The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (55 page)

But Mima said, ‘No! Get out of here.’ She went to her brother and wrapped her arms around him.

Lileem left the room without looking back, heart pounding. She stood outside the door in the main hallway of the house and saw Ulaume sitting on the stairs. Together they listened to Terez sob in a choked strangled way for about fifteen minutes, and by then, the vegetables had begun to burn.

Mima opened the kitchen door and surprised Lileem and Ulaume who virtually had their ears pressed against it. ‘You’d better come in and salvage what you can,’ she said.

When Flick eventually came home, Ulaume and Lileem were engaged in cooking with rather more industry than it required and Terez was sitting stunned at the table, with Mima holding one of his hands. How this evening would progress, Lileem could not foresee.

She and Ulaume set the table and dished up the food, which was partly peppered with charred fragments. A paralysing atmosphere gripped the room. Flick looked mortified, and none of them had yet told him exactly what had happened. He was sensitive and must have guessed for himself.

Terez roused himself to eat. He behaved like a polite child, which Lileem found really confusing. She wished he’d get back to normal. She wished Mima had kept her mouth shut. What was the point of telling him that? To absolve her own guilt: that was the point, she decided. But maybe Mima was right, and the only way she and Terez could ever be friends was if he knew the truth. That lie gnawed away at the foundations of their relationship and only by gouging it out could the situation between them improve.

Lileem conspired with Ulaume in an attempt to bring some kind of normalcy to the occasion. They tried to crack jokes and conduct their usual banter, but it was difficult. Lileem wondered what was wrong with Flick. Was he worried that if Terez became more of a regular fixture in their lives, he’d rekindle his relationship with Ulaume? It had seemed so intense between them after Terez’s recovery. Now, perhaps remembering that time also, Flick was sombre and appeared to be only half in the room with them.

Before the meal was finished, Terez pushed his plate away from him. ‘Mima, can we talk?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she answered.

He stood up and she led him into the yard at the back of the house.

‘She
told
him,’ Lileem hissed at Flick, the moment the door was closed. ‘He knows what she did.’

‘Oh,’ Flick said. ‘That’s… bad.’

‘It’s not going to change anything,’ Ulaume said.

Flick smiled weakly. He took one of Ulaume’s hands in his own and kissed it. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

Ulaume laughed. ‘What? Has everyhar gone mad tonight?’

Flick said nothing.

‘I know,’ Ulaume said. ‘Relax. I love you too.’

The evening was cold now and the stars looked hard and sharp in the clear sky. Terez stared up at them and Mima stood behind him, hugging herself. She wished she’d put her coat on.

‘You should have told me before,’ he said.

‘I didn’t know that,’ she said. ‘I really didn’t know what to do for the best. You were so angry and you were… you were not the kind of har to trust. You were nothing like the annoying but cute little brother I’d once known.’

Terez smiled mordantly at that. ‘I’m not going to ask why you did it. I know why. You were human and you didn’t understand. You wanted to keep a living relative.’

‘That’s it. Exactly.’

‘But you should have told me. Another thing you don’t understand is what a relief it is to know the truth. I thought the Uigenna just abandoned me. You let me think that.’

‘Terez, I can’t apologise for that, because I did not act in malice. The Uigenna are bad news, but I didn’t really know that until after Flick and Ulaume came and told me what they knew. What I did to you was a tragic mistake, a desperate act. That’s all there is to it. Believe me, I tortured myself about it for years, but ultimately I know there is no point to that. And if the two of us have any future, it has to be in truth. It’s always lain between us, this dark secret and now it’s out.’

Terez sighed deeply. ‘I know. The strange thing is, it’s irrelevant now, but it was a shock. I didn’t expect to hear that.’

‘Are you angry?’

‘I don’t know. I was just back there for a while, that’s all.’ He turned to her fully. ‘I haven’t had a normal life, Mima. I’m an outsider, as you are, for different reasons. But I
am
har, through and through, and the fact that the feeling could spill from me in that way tonight only proves to me I’m right.’ He paused. ‘We both suffered. We were both in darkness for a long time. But if none of it had happened, you might be dead and I might be with the Uigenna, which I now realise would not have been the best path.’

‘With the benefit of hindsight, we could say that.’

He put his head to one side and closed one eye, a gesture reminiscent of the boy he’d once been. ‘How are you?’

‘Fine,’ she said. ‘It’s good here. Bit tame, maybe, but safe.’

He nodded. ‘Lileem told me you took aruna with a har. Is that right?’

‘Yes. But… it’s complicated. I take aruna with Lileem now, nohar else.’

‘Oh.’ He seemed surprised. ‘You are har, though, you and she?’

Mima smiled at him. ‘Yes, in our own way. We’re not chesna, Terez. We’re really close and I love her, but it’s not… We’re just finding a way. Comfort.’

He smiled back and for long moments, they held each other’s gaze. Then, he said, ‘Thanks, Mima.’

She inclined her head. ‘Sorry I ruined your life.’

They both laughed, hesitantly, then fell silent. ‘Come here,’ Terez said, and held out his arms.

Mima pressed herself against him, held him tight. ‘Don’t ever believe them,’ she murmured, kissing his hair. ‘Family
does
matter. Ours does.’

First thing the following morning, Mima did not go to work, but instead took Terez to Exalan in the government offices at Kalalim, to make sure it was acceptable for her brother to become part of their household. After speaking with Terez briefly, Exalan interviewed Mima in private. She told him that Terez knew nothing of the Kamagrian and believed herself and Lileem to be a strange kind of har.

‘For the time being, let him think that,’ Exalan advised.

‘But if he lives here, he’s bound to notice differences in the parazha and hara around him. I’m not sure how to deal with that. What is the official line?’

Exalan smiled. ‘This is a rare circumstance – relatives from the past turning up – so there are no protocols for dealing with it. I will speak to Opalexian about it. But for now, if you are happy to be responsible for your brother, I can see no reason why he should not become part of your household. We are not Gelaming, Mima. We don’t want to make harsh rules. The happiness of our citizens is of prime importance. I trust you will act wisely, should any difficult situations arise, and I am here to advise you, should you need me.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Take Terez to work with you. I’m sure you can find something to occupy his time.’

‘I will.’

Mima was unsure how Terez would feel about this, as he’d been a loner for so long. Would he be prepared to fit into the community and work for it? Now that she’d truly found him again, she was anxious about losing him. But he seemed to accept the idea without reserve and said, ‘It’ll be like old times, working the land.’

‘One thing you might notice,’ Mima was driven to say. ‘Shilalama is a sanctuary. Many of the hara here have had difficulties: strange inceptions, with unusual results. Many are similar to Lileem and me. It’s polite not to ask questions or pry. Will you remember that?’

‘I will be the spirit of discretion.’

‘As I said last night, this place can feel tame sometimes, but the hara here are a good tribe. There’s nohar at the top wielding a big sword, and no pompous autocrats throwing their weight around. Therefore, co-operation and harmony are very important. We value these things. Even if the sweetness gets up your nose sometimes, just take a deep breath and smile back sweetly. Got that?’

Terez laughed. ‘Absolutely. I can’t wait.’

Lileem was concerned about Flick. He did not go out on patrol that day and after Ulaume had gone to work, went back to bed. Lileem went up to see him and he complained of feeling unwell. Hara were rarely sick. ‘What’s wrong?’ Lileem said. ‘You were fine before coming home last night. It’s Terez, isn’t it?’

‘Partly,’ Flick mumbled.

‘Don’t worry,’ Lileem said, stroking his shoulder. ‘He’s not going to take Ulaume off you.’

Flick laughed in a strange, cruel kind of way. ‘No.’

‘You should go out again today. It’s a bit overcast, but I’m sure it’ll brighten up later. The mountain air will do you good. Take Astral for a wild gallop. Don’t lie here moping.’

‘I want to lie down in a small confined space,’ Flick said. ‘Leave it at that, will you, Lee? Hadn’t you better be going? You’ll be late for work.’

Lileem stood up with a sigh. ‘OK, but I expect you to make us a superb feast for tonight.’

Flick merely grunted and turned on his side. ‘We should be careful of the Cevarros,’ he said.

‘What?’

‘You heard.’ He pulled the quilt over his head.

Every day at work, Lileem waited impatiently for the moment when she could run back home. All she could think about was seeing Terez, thoughts which she kept to herself. Terez appeared to have adapted well to his new life, and although he had a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, which conjured the most intense silences known to the world, he was far from being the damaged har they had known in Megalithica. He flirted with Lileem, and maybe it was just jokey affectionate play, but sometimes, when Lileem looked at him, the expression in his eyes stilled the breath in her throat.

Lileem believed that Mima would be the difficult one over Terez, but it seemed that Flick had assumed the role, and that was – well – it was inconvenient. Flick seemed to be changing, becoming introverted and secretive. One night, Lileem even overheard him having a heated argument with Ulaume, which was so unusual it was shocking. Ulaume wanted to know was what was wrong with his chesnari, but when he tried to talk about it, Flick simply lost his temper. This was not the Flick they all knew and loved, and even Ulaume was becoming strained and tense.

As the season flowered into summer and the mountains began to sing an exultant song of abundance and lushness, Flick sometimes stayed out all night. Ulaume didn’t argue with him any more, and this seemed to ease the situation at home, but Lileem could tell that Ulaume was bleeding inside about it. He would never be alone with Terez, clearly convinced this was the root of the problem. But Flick often wasn’t there to notice this show of loyalty.

‘It makes no sense to me,’ Ulaume once confided to Lileem, when the two of them sat up drinking one weekend night. Their yard was a riot of perfumed flowers and the warm night air was full of their scent. ‘Chesna is not about being possessive or frightened or threatened. It’s a state of being. Hara take aruna with others all the time, whether in a chesna partnership or not. I
know
Flick. We all do. It’s not like him to be this way.’

No, it wasn’t. And even though Lileem had consumed one and a half bottles of her own wine, it occurred to her then that perhaps Terez was not the reason for Flick’s behaviour.

‘Maybe we’re not chesna at all,’ Ulaume said gloomily. ‘Maybe we’re kidding ourselves we are, because we’ve been thrown together.’

‘Don’t say that,’ Lileem snapped. ‘I think maybe it has something to do with what happened with the Uigenna. Flick’s got time to think now. He’s punishing himself for that.’

‘He seemed fine when we first got here. More than fine. He’d put all that to rest.’

That was true, and Lileem didn’t really believe her own words either. It was a puzzle. ‘Perhaps you should…’ She paused.

‘What?’

‘Well, when I was little, you found out about my friendship with Mima because… because you spied on me.’

Ulaume stared at her with wide eyes. ‘Are you suggesting Flick is meeting somehar in secret?’

‘No! I don’t know what I’m suggesting, but aren’t you curious to see what he gets up to on his own out there? Maybe the mountains are getting to him in a weird kind of way. I don’t know. I just think there’s more to all this than we imagine.’

Ulaume sighed, and took a long drink. ‘You’re not wrong there! I’ll think about it.’

‘Perhaps,’ Lileem said, inspired by alcohol, ‘perhaps Astral can still take him into the otherlanes. Maybe that’s what he’s been doing, and he’s become sort of addicted to it.’

‘I’d not thought of that.’

‘Well, it’s worth investigating.’

For a couple more weeks, nothing else was mentioned. Days flowed into balmy days and Lileem was sure the perfume of the mountain flowers had got into her blood. She felt drunk all the time, intoxicated and heady. Something momentous was approaching, and it was a marvellous feeling. In her heart, Lileem suspected what that might be. She was thinking of Terez, and that there always had to be a solution to everything, and that she would find the one she was looking for.