The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (62 page)

Lileem was drawn to one wall and let her hands hover over the stones. She closed her eyes, and moved her fingers from left to right. She could feel differences in the air, as if energy vibrated more strongly in certain areas. Opening her eyes, she placed the first finger of one hand against a glowing symbol. At once, a hissing sound emitted from the wall and a slab of stone slid out, almost knocking her backwards.

‘Lee!’ Terez cried, taking hold of her.

‘I’m all right,’ she said. ‘Look…’

The stone that now poked out into the corridor and almost blocked their way was covered in marks, convoluted symbols of spirals and lines. Lileem touched them, and as she did so, a series of images flashed through her mind, a jumble of squiggles and dots. ‘These aren’t bricks,’ she said to Terez. She touched the glowing symbol again and the stone retreated into the wall. Quickly, she touched another one and a new stone slid out. It was different, of a pinkish colour, and the symbols upon it were more angular and spare. Lileem sent it back into the wall, touched another one.

‘What are you doing?’ Terez said. He appeared reluctant to touch the stones himself. ‘What does this mean?’

Lileem did not answer for some moments, too intent on sliding different slabs in and out of the wall. Although their spines were of the same greenish stone, their inner sides were of many different kinds of stone, and the markings upon them also differed. Some were pictograms, like hieroglyphs, while others were nothing more than ranked series of dots. ‘I know what this place is,’ she said. ‘It’s a library.’

‘We can’t read what’s here.’

‘Not yet, but we have all the time in the world.’

‘Wait,’ Terez said. He pulled Lileem away from the wall, his hands on her shoulders. ‘Lee, we must think about this. How long have we been here? Come on, we can’t just lose ourselves in this dream. We should try to get home. We wanted to see if we could get here, and now we know we can, but we should also think about returning to the real world. We should think about it now.’

‘How can we?’ Lileem snapped, pulling away from him. ‘Can’t you see how important this is?’ She gestured dramatically with her arms. ‘This place is a storehouse of knowledge, perhaps
the
storehouse, where the history of the universe is hidden. How can you even think about leaving here?’

‘Because if we came here once, we can come again. We should try to get back, tell other hara about this.’

‘We might not be able to come back.’

‘Lee! Listen to yourself. Remember our world. Remember those we left behind. Remember your life.’

‘It’s not important,’ Lileem said angrily.

‘You don’t mean that. Not really. Anyway, think about the responsibilities you have. Other hara and parazha might have ended up here. We need to get back to tell the world what really happens when we come together.’

‘There isn’t anyone else around. We haven’t seen a living soul. No har or parage has come here before.’

‘Then what happened to them? Think, Lee. Don’t be selfish.’

Lileem put her hands against the walls. She was hungry for knowledge. She was sure that if she looked at enough of the stone books, she’d find some in a language she knew. Time meant nothing here. She was free of the restrictions of the flesh. She could devote herself to study.
Why am I so obsessed?
She wondered.
What is it that calls to me here?

‘We should go now,’ Terez said. ‘Perhaps before it’s too late.’

Lileem stared at him for some moments. ‘We must come back.’

‘We will. But for now I want to feel alive again. I want to eat and sleep and
be.
This is not life. We must take aruna together again.’

‘If we can. I haven’t felt the faintest tremor of desire since we came here.’

‘Which is not normal. Remember how we felt, how much we wanted each other. What has happened to that? Don’t you want it back?’

Lileem smiled bitterly. ‘We have no idea whether aruna will even take us back home or somewhere else.’

‘No, but we have to try.’ He held out his hand. ‘Lee?’

She sighed through her nose and took his fingers in hers. ‘I know you’re right, but… this place, it’s reached right into me. Part of me belongs here.’

‘You made a promise to me that you could bring us home, remember?’ Terez said. ‘Don’t break it.’

‘So, what do we do? Try it here?’

‘I think we should return to the place where we arrived in this realm. That would be the safest bet. Otherwise we might reappear in our world in the middle of a wall or something. At the very least, we’ll find out whether the stone elevator works both ways.’

When they retraced their steps to the circular chamber and it began to rise beneath them, Lileem could feel Terez’s spirits soar. He was desperate to get home and had perhaps always felt that way. They had found the entrance to the underground world and that was what they had come for. Terez had had enough. He wasn’t drawn to this realm like Lileem was.

As they began the long journey back along the deep valley, Lileem was already thinking in terms of how she might return here alone. It wasn’t fair to drag somehar with her who didn’t share her interest, or who was not prepared to surrender their mundane life to the search for knowledge. Lileem was now convinced her overwhelming desire for Terez had simply been an instinctive device to get her here. In the stone library resided the secrets of who and what she was. The genesis of Wraeththu and Kamagrian were hidden there, she was sure. It was the library at the end of the universe, the legendary Hall of Records that held the secrets of creations written by gods. No har, no parage, no human was ever meant to find it, because knowledge of this kind was not for mortal creatures. But beyond humanity, and its self-destruction, lay the accident of Wraeththu and Kamagrian, and the shared ability, bigger than the sum of its parts, which meant that together hara and parazha could plunder this secret realm. Did high-ranking hara and parazha already know this? Lileem would not be surprised to discover this was so. Perhaps they already came here and sought to keep it secret from those of lower caste. Humans had been confined in their flesh, denied access to worlds beyond their perception. Most had not even believed such realms existed.

This is how we are more developed than them,
Lileem thought.
This must be our purpose, our meaning.

But what use was this knowledge? Lileem and Terez found the place where they had been born into this world. They shared breath and touched one another, seeking the feeling that had drawn them together. But it was something they had left behind them. No spark of desire could be kindled here, no intimate sharing of body and mind. They were as empty as the bleak landscape around them. There would be no journey home.

Chapter Thirty Four

Flick knew he would never discover the whole truth about what the Tigron and Opalexian said to one another at their first meeting. He and Mima were sent from the room, as was Exalan, and Flick could tell Opalexian’s aide was far from pleased about that. In the room where Ulaume was waiting for them, Exalan told them to return home, which they did.

The house seemed cold and desolate, empty as it was of Lileem and Terez’s presence. Now, once the enormity of recent events began to settle in their minds, a sense of grief and loss crept into the dark rooms, made everything look cluttered and comfortless. Mima began to tidy up, perhaps seeking to bring back the spirit of place that seemed to have flown out of the windows.

Ulaume and Flick went to bed, exhausted and drained. Flick lay in Ulaume’s arms and drifted into a troubled sleep, racked by fragments of disturbing dreams. Their whole life had shattered. He and Ulaume were together again, in mind and body, but things would never be the same. Opalexian was angry with them all, and it might be they’d have to leave Shilalama. Lileem and Terez were gone and they had no idea how to find them. The Gelaming horses might provide a means to travel in other worlds, but there were infinite other worlds, many of them perhaps bigger than the one they knew. Lileem and Terez could be anywhere. They could indeed be dead.

That evening, a messenger from Kalalim delivered another summons to the palace. Flick was sure they would now be asked to leave the city. Pellaz had not returned to them and because he had taken Peridot with him to Kalalim earlier, he might already have gone back to Immanion. The interview with Opalexian could have proceeded very badly. Flick was now regretting opening his mouth to Pellaz. He had been stupid. He should have just ended the meetings and put it all behind him. Instead, he had torn up the very fabric of their security. The Kamagrian would have been furious enough about Terez and Lileem. Why make matters worse by bringing the Tigron of Immanion into their city?

Opalexian received them in her private salon and her initial mien of relaxed sociability was intimidating, if not disorientating. Perhaps the meeting with the Tigron had not gone as badly as Flick had feared.

‘Pellaz has returned to Immanion,’ she said to them, ‘but asked me to convey his apologies. He will contact you again presently.’

‘What of Lileem and Terez?’ Mima asked. ‘Will you help Pellaz find them for us?’

Opalexian paused. ‘The Tigron has intimated he will undertake a search. However, I hold out little hope for his success.’

It occurred to Flick then that Opalexian might not want Lileem and Terez to be found. They had transgressed one of the Kamagrian’s laws, and it might not portray a desirable message to the populace if they returned safe and sound.

‘What of us?’ Flick asked. ‘Where do we stand?’

Opalexian made a languid gesture. ‘You are citizens of Shilalama. It is not our way to dole out punishments. In the event, your unwise and headstrong actions have yielded some interesting, and beneficial, results.’

‘Does that mean we can continue living here?’ Ulaume asked.

‘Yes, although if any of you attempt a similar experiment to that of your unfortunate friends, whichever one of you remains will be expelled. Is that not reasonable?’

‘You’re happy with the Tigron knowing about Kamagrian?’ Flick asked carefully.

‘We have come to an arrangement,’ Opalexian said. ‘That is all you need to know. I am assured of his silence, as he is assured of my… co-operation. The reason I have summoned you here tonight is to impress upon you that you must mention to no other citizen that Pellaz has been here. If any har or parage asks, you were merely visited by a high-caste friend from another Jaddayoth tribe. Invent your own story. But it had better be convincing, because I will be displeased should this information come out. That, incidentally, is the only other circumstance under which you will be removed from our community – far removed, I might add.’

‘Did you threaten Pellaz in a similar way?’ Mima asked coldly.

Opalexian smiled. ‘I’m sorry this sounds like threats. Please put yourself in my position. My whole purpose is to safeguard the well being of my tribe and strange though it may sound to you, I look upon you three as fondly as anyone else in this city. You are like naughty children, and you need to know the rules, but I trust you understand that now.’

‘You said Pell would contact us again,’ Mima said. ‘Does that mean he will return to Shilalama?’

‘He will not be seen in the streets,’ Opalexian said. ‘You will meet him here at Kalalim in future. Only Exalan and ourselves will know of these meetings. I have granted the Tigron access to you, Mima, because of your relationship. These things are not supposed to be of importance to hara and parazha, but because of Pellaz’s unique position, this has to occasion an exception.’

‘So, we will be supervised.’

‘Not exactly. You will be given time alone together, if that is what you should wish.’

But close enough for you to listen in,
Flick thought.

Opalexian cast him a piercing glance and smiled.

Pellaz did not contact Flick, or any of the others, for over a month. Long though they talked into the night on a regular basis, trying to think of ways to find their lost friends, no ideas sprang to mind. They could not risk trying to duplicate the event, because they had no certainty they’d end up in the same place. And if Lileem and Terez
had
been torn apart or vaporised by what they’d done, it would be insane to follow their path.

The house felt different, as if the bricks themselves were grieving. Every day, Flick returned from his patrols and was still surprised not to see Lileem in the kitchen, laying out food and utensils for him to use. She’d always prepare the vegetables before he got home, and then act as his assistant throughout the cooking process, as if that was the greatest honour in the world. Flick hated cooking alone now, and if Mima or Ulaume offered to help, they only got on his nerves, because they didn’t work with him in the same smooth way that Lileem had always done. During the day, Flick would have ideas and think,
I must tell Lee this,
only to realise with a cold shudder that he could no longer do that.

Mima blamed herself, as was her nature. She should have paid more heed when Lileem had dropped hints she was interested in taking aruna with a har. She should have retold the story of her time with Chelone as the frightening thing it was, not just as a party joke. As for Terez, she had healed her rift with him only to lose him again. How could he be so stupid and rash? What had possessed him? And where was Pellaz now that she needed him? They’d had no time to reforge their relationship or explore its new boundaries. How could she possibly care about her work on the farm when everything had turned out so terrible?

Ulaume was the least affected, and this was because he was convinced Lileem wasn’t dead. Flick remembered his chesnari’s certainty that Pellaz still lived, and how right that had turned out to be, so this gave him hope, which he tried to pass on to Mima.

Their friends in Shilalama guessed what had happened to Lileem and Terez, and it seemed this outrageous fact somehow contaminated the rest of the household. Visitors were few, and even Tel-an-Kaa kept her distance. Flick suspected Opalexian might have something to do with that. She wouldn’t want to risk one of them letting the information about the Tigron slip out. Because Flick habitually spent so much time alone during the day, the social snubbing affected him the least, but he knew that Mima suffered for it. She might have scorned the Kamagrian, but once their friendship froze away, she missed it. Flick was sure it would all blow over eventually, and he made the decision that at the next festival, he would do all that he could to win back their friends. If they were to continue living in Shilalama, this had to happen. Mima wouldn’t hear of going anywhere else, because she wanted to be there, in case Lileem and Terez ever found their way home.

One night, sitting out in the yard as they did every evening, Ulaume pointed at the sky and said, ‘They are out there. Somewhere. I know it. Somewhere in this universe or another, they are alive.’

Flick poured out the last of Lileem’s wine – they had drunk a lot these past few weeks. ‘We need Pell,’ he said. ‘Where is he?’

Flick, Mima and Ulaume went through all of Lileem’s private possessions to find her carving of the Tigron. Together, they held it and called in their minds to Pellaz, but there was no response.

Flick rode out to his old meeting place with Pellaz every day, but the Tigron did not return. He even spent hours trying to communicate with Astral, begging the creature to summon Pellaz, pleading with him to find Lileem and Terez. But all Astral could offer in return was a kind of confused sympathy. Flick lacked the ability to truly commune with the
sedu
, and his desperate thoughts were merely a wordless scream in Astral’s mind.

Then, just as Flick had given up hope of Pellaz ever contacting him again, a summons came from Kalalim. Exalan came to the house himself to deliver it. The Tigron had returned.

The meeting was ostensibly in private, but Flick was not deceived. In Opalexian’s place, he too would make sure he heard every word of the conversation. Pellaz embraced Mima warmly. His presence filled the room with power and light. He had brought them gifts from Immanion: beautiful clothes, perfume, exotic spices for the kitchen, a Gelaming ceremonial bridle for Astral, wrought with filigree silver and tiny diamonds.

‘I would have come sooner,’ he said, ‘but I’ve been busy at home. Also, I don’t want Vaysh suspecting anything. Nohar must know I come here. I’d been disappearing too regularly before, and it had to stop.’

‘What was the deal you made with Opalexian?’ Ulaume asked.

Flick knew he wouldn’t get an honest answer.

‘The time is not yet right for Wraeththu to become aware of the Kamagrian’s existence,’ Pellaz said. ‘There are too many other issues to be resolved first, too many different Wraeththu strands that need to find harmony and accord. Some hara would react very badly to this information. There could be hysterical purges of Kamagrian harlings, or any number of other fearful consequences. Wraeththu are still too new. The knowledge of Kamagrian could make them afraid that hara were reverting to a human state, that we cannot breed true. Fear makes hara do terrible things. I understand this very well. It may be years before the truth can come out, perhaps even centuries.’

Flick couldn’t imagine how so big a secret could be kept for such a long time.

‘So, what do you get for your silence?’ Ulaume insisted.

Pellaz stared at Ulaume for some moments, and Flick noticed a flicker of impatience in his gaze. ‘I am Tigron. I do not necessarily require something in return. I do what is best for harakind. My love for my race is unconditional, as is Opalexian’s for hers. I am grateful to work in harmony with her.’

‘Work?’

‘There is much we can teach one another,’ Pellaz replied.

‘Such as how to control aruna between hara and parazha?’ Mima asked hopefully.

Pellaz smiled sadly. ‘Not that, I’m afraid. None of us are yet advanced enough to understand it.’

‘Not even Thiede?’ Flick asked.

‘You know very well I can’t confide in Thiede over this.’

‘But he knows everything, doesn’t he?’ Flick said. ‘He must know you’ve been here. He must know about the Kamagrian.’

‘No,’ Pellaz said. ‘He does not, and that’s how it’s going to stay for now. I’m not completely helpless. I have learned enough to protect my privacy.’

‘Will you help us find Lileem and Terez?’ Mima said. ‘Please, Pell. We can’t just forget about them. Ulaume knows they’re alive, as he knew you were alive. He’s never wrong.’ She turned to Ulaume. ‘Are you, Lor?’

Ulaume shrugged. ‘I don’t believe so, not in matters of this kind.’

Pellaz took a deep sighing breath. ‘I have tried to find them,’ he said. ‘Peridot knows what signature to look for in the otherlanes – one very similar to mine. He has found nothing. The otherlanes and the realms they connect are infinite. The task is virtually impossible. And, unlike Ulaume, I’m not convinced Terez is still alive. I’m sorry, Mima, I think we have to resign ourselves to his loss, and to Lileem’s too. I know you were close to her and I appreciate how difficult this must be, but I’ve carried the burden of loss and grief for a long time, and I know you can live with it eventually. It becomes manageable and then it goes away. Life goes on. We have to move with it.’

In a month, it appeared Pellaz had got over his consuming passion for Cal. This did not convince Flick one bit. He knew Pellaz wasn’t telling the truth.

‘You can’t give up looking,’ Mima said.

‘I have to,’ Pellaz said. ‘For one thing, I don’t have the time. I could devote my life to this task and still not find them.’

‘Teach Flick how to ride Astral properly, then,’ Mima said. ‘You could do that. Then Flick could continue the search. Bring us all one of your weird horses. We could all try.’

‘I can’t,’ Pellaz said. ‘The
sedim
are not horses exactly, Mima, and every one is accounted for. It was difficult enough to ‘lose’ Astral in the first place. Vaysh and I had to concoct a wild story about how he got swept off into the void by an energy storm. We impressed upon the other
sedim
not to reveal the truth, but who can say how they think and feel? We can’t fathom their being, not really. I’m not sure to this day whether Thiede believes the story. There’s no way I could risk bringing you more
sedim
. And if I removed the restraints on Astral, he’d ‘show up’ to other creatures of his kind while he was travelling. It’s just impossible.’