The Wrong Lawyer (13 page)

On Tuesday morning
my phone rang at eight o’clock and woke me up.

It was Corbett.

“I’m back from the
cruise,” he began, “and my internal clock is all out of whack. Let’s go out for
breakfast.”

I showered and
dressed and a few minutes later he knocked on my door.

We took my car and
Corbett didn’t even mention the mask. We made small talk on the short drive to
the restaurant.

When we arrived at
Molly’s Diner, Jim noticed the damage to the passenger door.

“What did you do
to the door?” he inquired.

“That’s a bullet
hole,” I replied casually.

“You haven’t
changed a bit,” he retorted caustically. “You’re still completely full of
shit.”

“I’m not the same
boring old fart you knew before you sailed off on your cruise. I had a holiday
the likes of which a jaded skeptic like you won’t even believe.”

We sat at an empty
table and placed our order for coffee and the Number One breakfast special.

“Since you claim
that your trip was so extraordinary, Kennedy, then I’ll fill you in first on my
vacation. It started off very well but after a few days Lynne and I realized
that we weren’t suited to each other after all. I won’t be seeing her again.”

“That’s a shame,
Jim. You certainly seemed to hit it off brilliantly. What places did you see?”

“We flew to
Frankfurt, Germany and caught the river boat there. For the first couple of
days we headed south to Heidelberg and then retraced our route back to Mainz.
From there we cruised into Belgium and eventually up to the Netherlands. There
were some side trips as well, one into Amsterdam and another into Brussels. The
scenery was tremendous but the trip got ruined when Lynne and I couldn’t see
eye to eye on some things. I spent the last night of the cruise in a separate
cabin. It was that bad. That’s enough about me. What happened on your trip?”

“I got kidnapped
on the very first day, which was Tuesday and spent two nights under guard in a
hotel room in Washington. Finally I was released on Thursday and flew to Vegas
where I was arrested and detained in a casino security room for several hours
before being allowed to sleep in my room at the Four Queens. On Friday I was
flown back to Syracuse but at the border I was suspected of having abducted a
young child, so the border agents arrested me. In the confusion at the border
station, one of the idiots shot at me but missed and the bullet blasted into
the passenger door and caused the damage you saw. So as you can see, my trip was
even worse than yours. There was one tiny bright spot however.”

“What was that?”
Corbett asked with a smile on his face.

“I only lost $2.75
on the slots before I was yanked off the machine and ordered out of the Golden
Nugget.”

“Why?”

“Their records showed
that I had been blacklisted so two burly casino security guys escorted me out
of their establishment.”

“Are you
bullshitting me, Kennedy?”

“No; in fact I’m
only revealing the extreme tip of the iceberg to you. It’s so incredibly
complicated that I’m not even going to test your credibility by telling you the
whole story. Tell you what, let’s pretend that our recent trips never took
place. You can keep all your dirty little secrets and I’ll keep mine.”

“I guess I can
live with that,” Corbett answered. “Can I entice you to come upstairs after
supper and imbibe with me?”

“Sure, that sounds
like a great plan.”

For the rest of
the meal we were successful in avoiding talk about our trips.

I felt
uncomfortable and sneaky for having listened in on Jim’s personal conversations
with Lynne.

There was this
massive elephant sitting beside us that both of us were choosing to ignore.

Normally we would
tell each other every minute detail of our private lives, but at the moment we
both thought that we were harboring deep dark secrets.

It was most
uncomfortable for me.

At seven o’clock I
wandered up to Jim’s condo to get hammered with my best friend.

I carried up a
six-pack of Old Milwaukee beer.

Corbett was
already into the Courvoisier and I cracked open my first can and sat down
opposite him.

“The last time we
did this was three and a half weeks ago when you dragged me to that charity
dance,” I began. “An awful lot has happened to each of us since then.”

“It has. We were
both tossed a bit of romance that night only to have our hopes all blasted to
Hell. At least our boring routine back then didn’t crush us emotionally. I can
honestly say that I wish I hadn’t insisted that we go to that dance.”

“I don’t feel that
bad about it. I liked Linda and I still haven’t abandoned all hope that her
situation might improve and she’ll call me sometime.”

Jim couldn’t mask
his discomfort about what I had just said.

“If Linda does
contact you, let me know about it, please. As for me, I think I’ve decided to
remain a bachelor for the rest of my days. Boredom is much preferable to
turmoil.”

We were back to
talking about the old days and other lawyers.

As the amount of
alcohol consumed rose, I sensed that the elephant had returned.

I felt guilty with
my illicit knowledge of Jim’s problems with Lynne and it was apparent that Jim
wanted to talk about it but was feeling humiliated by what had occurred on the
boat.

Finally I got my
nerve up.

“Jim, I’ve decided
that full disclosure is the best policy. Give me your cell phone.”

He had a puzzled
look on his face but he handed me his cell.

I went to his land
line and unplugged the phone from the jack. Then I carted both phones into his
bedroom and closed the door tightly before returning to the living-room.

“Now I want you to
turn your computer off completely including the power bar.”

“I trust there’s a
legitimate reason for this foolishness,” he snapped as he closed down his
computer.

“There are two
parts to this story, Jim. To begin I’ll disclose in gory detail precisely what
happened to me on my trip.”

I then proceeded
to tell Jim exactly what had transpired.

He appeared to be
deep in thought after I mentioned that Matthews played back for me a
conversation that Jim and I had shared in this very room, but he didn’t
interrupt my story.

When I paused
after telling him about my bedroom jaunt with Mandy, he couldn’t restrain
himself.

“Do you really
expect me to believe that you were in the sack with a hooker, Kennedy? I know
you better than that.”

“I’ve still got a
few surprises left in my bag of tricks, Corbett. Mandy was certainly one delectable
young woman. I’m not fabricating one single part of my story. It’s all the
gospel truth.”

Eventually I got
around to the chaos at the Canadian border.

“That wraps up the
first part of my saga, Jim. The second instalment actually involves you and I’m
going to apologize in advance for what I did.”

I then explained
how I was lonely and contacted Harlan Matthews simply by tossing out some
keywords while speaking near my telephone.

Jim was flabbergasted
when I confirmed that Matthews had actually received my indirect message and
had phoned me.

When I got to the
part about using Corbett in Matthews’ experiment to determine whether his
system could zero in on a target as far away as Europe without the use of
keywords, Jim’s mouth gaped open.

“Are you going to
tell me what I think you are?” he asked incredulously.

“I’m afraid so,
Jim. Harlan played back for me the argument you and Lynne had about the brothel
in Amsterdam and also the scene in which you caught Lynne in bed with one of
the crew and then packed up your things and left to get your own cabin. It was
a nightmare realizing how Harlan’s little experiment had burrowed so deeply
into your personal space. I do agree with Lynne that you are Mr. Boring. But
all joking aside, to paraphrase a line from you, ‘Words can’t express my horror
at how wrong it was to so thoroughly invade your sacred privacy’.”

Jim’s reaction was
the complete opposite of what I expected.

Instead of being
livid with anger, he burst out laughing.

This time it was
my mouth gaping open.

“I’m actually
relieved that you know the whole truth, Kennedy. I so badly wanted to discuss
that sordid matter with you but was too embarrassed to divulge any details.
Lynne is what I guess you would call a ‘swinger’. She has a compulsion to have
sex with different partners and that took me completely by surprise. Absolutely
nothing that she did or said until that day trip to Amsterdam had indicated
that she was anything but a normal and classy lady.”

“Lynne wasn’t as
brilliant as you made her out to be,” I teased. “Everyone in Kingston already
knows what a prude you are. All she needed to do was ask around. It would have
saved her having to spend more than a week in your boring fuddy-duddy company.”

“I’ve got to hand
it to you, Kennedy. As bizarre as you are, you know how to make a heartbroken
guy feel better. If I can laugh at what happened, then I must be on the road to
recovery.”

“I’m glad to be of
service. Since I’ve been candid with you, I want you to return the favor. When
I mentioned that I hoped Linda would contact me, you seemed quite uncomfortable
and asked me to tell you if it happened. Why was that?”

“Before our
disagreements, Lynne told me quite a bit about her sister. I don’t think she’s
a good fit for you. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“If you don’t
mind, Jim, I’d rather be told. If my fantasy woman isn’t really the woman of my
dreams, then it’s best that I know.”

“It seems that
Linda is a bit of a serial adulteress, Tom. Lynne said that they took a lot of
trips together while Linda was married. Let’s just say that prim little Linda
had a whale of a time with a shitload of men without her clothes on. If you got
serious with her, chances are she’d do the same to you. Those two girls must
share some sort of slut gene.”

“That’s highly
disappointing but it’s good to know. Linda came across as very respectable. She
did admit that her marriage was no bed of roses but I’m shocked to hear that
she screwed around on her hubby when she went off on those trips with Lynne.
Maybe we aren’t the great judges of character that we thought we were.”

Corbett responded
in typical fashion.

“As long as we’re
competent at judging fine brandy and cheap beer, we’ll get by just splendidly.
Women are severely overrated and chronically disloyal. You’d think we would
have learned that lesson from our marriages. Booze will always be our friend
and will never disappoint us.”

“Well said,
Corbett.”

The remainder of
the evening was quite lighthearted, no doubt because our former bad moods were
well lubricated with liquor.

We joked around
about unfaithful women and oppressive governments until we were too drunk to
make any sense at which time I staggered back down to my apartment.

Corbett knocked on
my door on Wednesday afternoon.

“What do you
want?” I asked sarcastically.

“For the first
time in history, Kennedy, I have to admit that you had something fascinating to
say. Ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been mulling over the things we
discussed yesterday.”

“I’ve been doing
the same thing. Grab a seat and we can hash over the issues while we’re not
half soused. Just a minute while I put my phones in the bedroom and close the
door so Harlan can’t record our conversation.”

“If you don’t mind,
Tom, I’d like Harlan to listen to what we say.”

“Suit yourself. I
guess I can live with that. Do you want me to ensure that he does hear us?”

“Yes I would.”

I turned my cell
phone on and placed it beside us. My land line was also only ten feet away from
where we were sitting.

“This is a message
for Harlan D. Matthews from Thomas Kennedy. Jim Corbett and I feel that you
need to monitor our discussion this afternoon. We’ll be talking about Bander
Haddad, Tom Kennedy, Mandy Franklin, The Washington Independent, terrorism and
intrusive spying by the American government agencies into our private lives.”

I turned to Jim.

“That should be
sufficient to get the attention of Harlan’s computer retrieval system. What do
you want to talk about first?”

“Women,” Jim answered.
“Despite the fact that Lynne and Linda aren’t really compatible with our
somewhat puritan moral code, I loved having female companionship, and not just
because of the sex. It was extremely comforting to be able to bare one’s soul
to someone new. I’ve changed my mind about remaining celibate. We’re not
priests and I think we should dip our toes back in the dating pool again.”

“I can live with
that. Even though Linda and I didn’t have sex, kissing her brought back all the
emotions I used to feel when I was younger. Where are we going to find
available divorced women of a suitable age?”

“I’m not sure, but
there must be a ton of them out there. Let’s start our hunt for true love this
weekend. There’s a new watering hole called Gatsby’s downtown near the court
house which is supposed to be popular. Let’s head there on Friday and check out
the after work crowd. Apparently a lot of professionals unwind there to
celebrate the end of the work week.”

“I’m amenable to
doing that,” I replied.

“Good, because
I’ve decided that I don’t want to live alone for the rest of my life. Harlan,
sorry to bore you with this romantic chat but now Tom and I will delve into
your field of expertise.”

Jim turned his
gaze from the telephones back to me.

“I was appalled to
learn how thoroughly these spy agencies are learning how to monitor us.
Listening in on our private phone calls and looking at our e-mails was bad
enough, and I tended to believe that I didn’t have anything serious to hide so
I could tolerate that level of intrusion. How do you feel about that?”

“I’d prefer that
the government was required to obtain a court order before they tap into our
calls and e-mails. Actually I believed that doing so was a legal requirement,
but obviously the technology has overtaken the legalities. The enhancements
that Harlan is developing are quite terrifying.”

“I agree totally.
The ability to monitor private conversations anywhere near a phone or computer
is shocking. Harlan, just because you have the expertise to invent something
doesn’t mean that you should do it. I’m recommending that you terminate your
research and retire. What you’re experimenting with could ruin society.”

“Harlan, I totally
agree with Jim. Sit back and think about the intensely personal information
that you inadvertently discovered about Jim. What possible good can come from
that type of blanket monitoring? It seems best to let your information
retrieval invention die on the vine, at least until your government has the
opportunity to discuss publicly the privacy versus intelligence issue in depth.”

Jim added, “In
fact, Harlan, I feel so strongly about this matter that I feel a compulsion to
stop this insane spying on innocent citizens. Tom, are you with me on this?”

“I am. Harlan,
please call us so we can talk about it. Putting a human face like Jim’s on the
results of such intensive spying hopefully will convince you to stop.”

On Thursday
afternoon Harlan phoned me and requested that Jim and I meet in my apartment at
seven in the evening in order to hash out our differences about the information
gathering process.

The three of us
had a lengthy three-way talk but Jim and I couldn’t persuade Harlan that what
he was pioneering was a terrible thing for society.

Our little
telephone chat ended abruptly when I uttered a thinly veiled challenge to our
new friend who was clearly about to become our adversary again.

“Harlan,” I began,
“you’ve picked the wrong lawyers to mess with.”

No sooner had I
issued that threat when Matthews slammed the phone down in my ear.

I immediately led Jim
into the bedroom and closed the door to ensure that we couldn’t be heard by the
monitoring equipment.

“It seems that
Harlan is fixated on perfecting his system, Jim. I hope you realize that if we
try to stop him by going public, he has the ability to make our lives
miserable.”

“Bring it on,” Jim
replied forcefully. “The people have to be told what their governments are
doing behind their backs.”

I replied much
less confidently.

“Let’s pray that
we’re the right lawyers to stop these wrongs. I’ve now had practical experience
in the art of espionage but you’re a near-useless babe in the woods.”

Jim responded like
a true court lawyer asshole.

“On the contrary,
Harlan already knows what a boob you are. Real estate lawyers are just
glorified legal secretaries. We’ll see how Mr. Matthews and his Homeland
Security lackeys fare when up against a proven litigator.”

This was not a
good sign. Our war against a Big Brother type government was already getting
bogged down with our petty and adolescent bickering.

Perhaps we were
the wrong lawyers after all to tackle the colossal government spy machine.

THE END