The Year We Turned Forty (14 page)

Jessie's shoulders tensed and she resisted the urge to crane her neck toward the door, to meet Lucas' father's eyes for the first time since she'd given birth to their son. She was terrified that if they saw each other, the secret they shared would be as transparent as a piece of glass.

Claire's heart lurched as she watched Cathy and Peter head toward their table, and she reflexively put her hand over it as if it were going to pop out of her chest. This hadn't happened last time. In the other version of their lives, Jessie and Peter's wife had never crossed paths after she'd had the baby. And Claire had never met either of them. The closest she'd come had been when she and Jessie stalked Peter's Facebook page just a few years ago, in 2012. There had been something about the way his green eyes pierced through his profile photo—on the beach with his arms wrapped tightly around his teenage son's shoulders, the son he hadn't denied—that made her stomach tighten, and she'd been grateful she would never have to meet Peter in person.
Until now
.

Claire noticed Jessie's breathing had intensified, her chest rising and dropping rapidly from beneath her loose-fitting top as Cathy approached them, her face devoid of expression. Claire slid her chair closer to Lucas and held her breath as she watched Peter shuffling behind his wife with his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

“Jessie, hi, it's good to see you!” Cathy exclaimed, and both Jessie and Claire released their breath as Cathy gawked at Lucas' striped blue onesie with My Mom's a Hottie printed across it in bold lettering. Claire noticed Jessie force a smile and wrap her arms across her middle section as she looked up at Cathy's rail-thin physique. “How precious is your new little guy!” Cathy turned back toward Peter, whose face was losing color rapidly, his eyes darting around trying to find something to focus on. “Isn't he adorable? Kind of makes me want another one,” she said as she poked her husband playfully. He offered a stiff smile but said nothing, causing Cathy to shoot him a quizzical look. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

Of course he's not okay. He's staring at his child for the first time,
Claire thought as anger began to course through her. Watching Peter refuse to look in the direction of his son made her think of Emily's father. She wondered for the billionth time how a man could turn his back on his own child. She watched Peter reading a sign tacked to a corkboard about a beer and wine festival and considered something else she'd pondered after Emily dropped out of college, but hadn't wanted to face:
maybe she should have made different choices with Emily's dad, David.
It was easy for Claire to blame her strained relationship with Mona for her issues in parenting Emily. But what had David's absence in Emily's life done to her daughter? Claire had reasoned that no involvement was
better than a sporadic influence, but what if she had been wrong?

Claire knew that if Peter took responsibility it could actually create more problems than not. And she also knew that Grant was going be Lucas' father, regardless. But from what Jessie had told her about Peter, he was a former pro soccer player and stay-at-home dad who ran sports camps in the summer. By all accounts a good father to the son he already had—but she couldn't shake the feeling that now that Peter had seen Lucas, it could change everything. Claire glanced at Jessie. There were no traces of the giddy girl who used to talk about Peter like he was a high school crush. As she studied Jessie now, all she saw was a woman who would shrink into herself if she could, wanting nothing to do with a man who had once filled her up and made her float like a helium balloon.

For a moment it felt like everything in the coffee shop was moving in slow motion as Jessie rearranged herself in her seat and Cathy ogled baby Lucas and Peter fidgeted with his BlackBerry. Claire knew it was up to her to break the awkward silence.

“Hi, I'm Claire.” Claire extended her hand to Cathy and gave Jessie a pointed look.

“I'm Cathy,” she said, shaking her hand firmly. “And this is my husband, Peter. We both know Jessie from Jefferson Elementary.”

Peter offered his hand to her and she reluctantly took it, holding his gaze for a beat, wondering if he knew Jessie had told her the truth.

“Nice to meet you,” Claire chimed, channeling her real estate agent persona. “I think I need to order Jess another double espresso, she's such a zombie this morning. Even though this little guy is sleeping peacefully right now, he's been a terror at
night. Right, Jess?” Claire said, pulling a pale blue blanket up around Lucas' chin.

“Right . . . a terror.” Jessie forced the words, trying to regain her composure. It had been years since she'd seen Peter. She was almost hypnotized by him, unable to look away, surprised how he knocked the wind out of her all over again. After she'd told him she was pregnant and he'd stormed out of the restaurant, she'd never spoken to him again, and managed to avoid him the entire time she carried his child, quickly turning the other way whenever she caught a glimpse of his profile in the elementary school hallway.

Shortly after Lucas was born, she'd found out Peter and Cathy had moved away. She'd driven by the sold sign in front of their ranch house, feeling conflicted—relieved because now she could finally breathe, but also devastated on behalf of her newborn son, that his father would leave without so much as a forwarding address.

Finally, she met Cathy's eyes. “Sorry I'm so out of it. Claire's right, sleep has been nonexistent in my life since this little guy was born. He's cute now, but you should have heard him at 3 a.m.!” Cathy laughed, and Jessie studied her face for any signs she knew the truth, but she seemed genuine—sweet, even—which only tightened the knot in Jessie's stomach.

“Those days seem forever ago, don't they, Peter?” Cathy said, giving him a sideways glance until he finally cleared his throat and spoke.

“Right, can't believe it's already been ten years,” he said, only looking up from his phone for a few seconds.

Lucas chose that moment to open his eyes, nearly a perfect match to Peter's, and let out a small squeal.

“Oh, look at those eyes!” Cathy reached her arms toward
Lucas and Jessie froze, wondering if Cathy was going to see the resemblance. But she only asked if she could hold him.

Jessie felt an involuntary shiver ripple through her.

She didn't know Cathy well; she'd seen her in passing at school functions, and she'd only talked to her twice before she'd slept with Peter. The first was at a school bake sale, where they'd made small talk about a home renovation Cathy and Peter were doing. Jessie felt immediately intimidated by this beautiful woman—her rich brown hair fell to the middle of her back, her limbs seemed to go on forever, and her caramel-colored eyes were shaped like almonds. Not only did her high-powered job send her jetting across the globe, but she still managed to oversee the work done on her house
and
make it to school events. Jessie could barely get dressed before driving the twins to school.

The next time they ran into each other was in the school parking lot. Cathy was running late for her parent-teacher conference and looked considerably more frazzled than she had at the bake sale. She made a halfhearted joke to Jessie that it was hard to do it all, and Jessie felt a pang of sympathy for Cathy, knowing from Claire how hard it was to miss so many important moments in Emily's life because she had to work.

“Of course you can hold him,” Jessie said finally, and tried to steady her trembling hands as she slowly unbuckled the straps on Lucas' car seat.

“Maybe you should hold off on that second double espresso. You're shaking.” Cathy laughed and Jessie pressed her lips into a smile, placing Lucas gently in Cathy's arms. While Cathy bounced Lucas, Jessie looked at Peter, watching him recognize how the jut of Lucas' chin matched his own, the way his eyes turned from green to hazel as they caught the light. Sensing her gaze, he glanced at her for a second before looking away.

As Cathy cradled Lucas, swaying her hips unconsciously while she rocked him, Jessie's lip began to quiver and she knew if she didn't speak immediately, she would start crying. “Cathy, I'm surprised to see you here in the middle of the day,” she finally managed.

“I took a new position at work.” She didn't take her eyes off Lucas. “I won't be traveling anymore.”

Jessie forced herself not to look at Peter for his reaction. “Congratulations.” Last time, Jessie heard that she and Peter had moved because of Cathy's job. She'd been promoted and was making more money, and their new house had apparently been closer to the prestigious private school where they'd enrolled their son. Jessie had been patiently waiting for them to move away in this life too.

“Thanks. My company actually offered me a promotion. And believe me, it was hard to turn down because it came with a giant raise.” She laughed. “Peter really pushed for me to take it. He said I'd worked so hard, that I deserved it.” Cathy paused and gave him a smile. “He's always been so supportive.”

Jessie's eyes locked on Peter's and he averted his gaze quickly. Jessie had wondered if he'd pushed Cathy to take the promotion so he could escape what he'd done. Jessie wondered why he hadn't been able to convince her this time.

“But the thing is,” Cathy continued, “I would have been traveling even more, and I just had this epiphany. And here's the really funny part, I didn't even tell Peter this yet.”

“What?” Peter and Jessie asked at the same time. Jessie laughed awkwardly.

“
You
were part of the reason I turned it down.”

“Me?” Jessie asked as she caught Claire's eye. This was it. Cathy was about to slam her for the affair. Jessie suddenly
wanted to pull Lucas from her arms and run, but she couldn't move.

“I saw you and your kids a few days ago, on Tuesday. You didn't see me. You were heading into the grocery store and I was driving to a lunch meeting and I thought, I could never do that. Spend a day with Sean during the week.”

Jessie felt an intense pressure in her chest, as if someone were sitting on it. She remembered that day. She hadn't even thought twice before heading out of the house. They were picking up deli sandwiches and going to the park for a picnic. Last time, she'd avoided going anywhere in public with the baby, petrified she might run into Peter or even Cathy. But this time, she'd decided she needed to focus more on her relationship with her kids than worrying about a chance encounter.

Cathy was still talking and Jessie forced herself to listen. “And I thought, why am I wasting the best years away from my family? Peter gets to be around, and I should too. So I turned it down and demanded they find a spot for me that required no travel. And not only did I get that, but they said I can also work from home a few days a month.” She looked at Peter again as she said this. Jessie suddenly wondered if his wife knew but was playing some sick and twisted game with both of them. Or maybe it really had been a coincidence that seeing Jessie with her kids prompted her into action.

“So you'll probably see me in here more often!” Cathy smiled and handed Lucas back to Jessie. “He's gorgeous. It's funny, he looks so much like Sean did as a baby,” she said, handing Lucas back to Jessie.

Jessie tried to formulate a response but the words caught in her throat as she realized this had only happened because she'd come back. Last time, she'd lost Grant, but she'd also been free
of any tangles with Peter and Cathy. She hugged Lucas tightly, suddenly worried that this change could somehow take him from her.

“All babies kind of look the same, small and squishy, right?” Peter said briskly. “We should probably get going, Cath; we're meeting the contractor at ten.”

“Contractor?” Jessie asked before she could stop herself.

“Oh yeah. When I thought I was taking the offer, we were going to move, but now we're staying put and doing an add-on!” Cathy said brightly as Peter guided her by the arm toward the counter. “Nice to see you. And thanks for inspiring me!” she added with a smile as they walked away.

“You're welcome,” Jessie said, her chin starting to quiver.

“Hey,” Claire said firmly. “I know you're upset. But you need to hold it together right now, Jess,” she said through gritted teeth as she eyed Peter and Cathy ordering their coffees.

Jessie nodded her head in agreement.

“You can cry when they leave, I promise.” Claire squeezed Jessie's hand. “Jess, I know you were caught off guard, but you can't act like that around Cathy and Peter if you see them again or she'll figure out something is going on. She isn't stupid.”

“No, she's not.” Jessie smiled wide and waved good-bye to Cathy as Peter held the door, the silver bells that hung from the handle jangling as they left.

“Claire, what have we done coming back here?” Jessie looked at Lucas. “Cathy has now met the child her husband had with
me
. She didn't take the promotion because she saw me with the kids,
and
they aren't moving? Why would the universe want us entangled in each other's lives?”

“Remember, it's the butterfly effect. Even small changes can create a drastically different outcome.” Claire thought about
how easily she'd slipped back into her old patterns of letting Emily get away with things she shouldn't. They'd recently had an argument about her watching too much TV. Emily had screamed so loudly that Claire was afraid someone would call the police. She'd been too distraught to react, simply going in her room and closing the door behind her. Why couldn't she be stronger with her daughter even when she knew what the outcome would be if she wasn't? Claire took a drink of her now lukewarm coffee.

“Do you think Cathy suspects something?” Jessie leaned toward Claire.