The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (10 page)

The moment the undead beast reaches for your head, bludgeon it until it falls to the ground. Remember, zombies have an unbelievable tolerance for pain. To make them respond to torture requires subjecting them physical distress that would erase the soul of any living human. You must be prepared to blacken your heart to the point where you can literally batter a corpse until all of its teeth are broken and its body is covered in deep purple bruises and abrasions.

Do not inflict all of the damage at once, however. Every half hour, stop the flogging and sit in a chair out of arm’s reach from your would-be slave. Soon enough, the knees and elbows of your future servant/test subject will begin to slowly contract, and it will begin to lift itself off the floor.

Wait for your trainee to regain its composure and instinctively extend its arms in its hungry lust for your brains. Once again, the very moment this behavior occurs, you must suppress it with intense, discipline-inducing violence. Beat it into the ground like it owes you money. Then, sit and wait for the inevitable mumbling of “brains” as it once again approaches, groping toward your cranium's delicious insides. At this point you may want to consider breaking out some of the other “tools” you discovered when you found the ball gag. You never know exactly which type of torture techniques will work best on any given zombie, so anything goes!

Repeat this process until the unholy creation begins to show signs of hesitation before extending its arms toward your head.

Again, and again, and again, beat the creature until it is laying on the floor, coughing up whatever blood is left in its body, gathering up the last of its strength to rise and attempt to devour your brains once more. Each time it gets up for more, give it more. After each bludgeoning, it is important that you adopt a non-threatening, unsuspecting pose, just to let it know that you will not beat it if it doesn’t try attacking you. Until it is not resuming its attack after 45 seconds of being beaten to the ground, your subject is not yet ready for phase two.

Once it has been classically conditioned enough, just like Pavlov's dogs, it will begin equating the stimuli of your constant beat-downs as punishment for its thoroughly “bad” and “naughty” attempts to eat your brains.

Bad
zombie!!!

A series of beatings this severe will likely take most of the day, twelve hours on a good day. So make sure that you eat a hearty breakfast, and forget about masturbating or playing any videogames that day. Remember, you will not be able to do this quickly. You will be inflicting a level of torture that would make Saddam Hussein himself vomit upon witnessing it. And, as anyone who’s spent any length of time at Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo Bay can tell you, torture needs to be constant and seemingly never ending in order to be effective.

In extreme cases, your zombie bitch will retain its stubborn will for up to three days of initial training before showing any signs of submission. Therefore, you must become the epitome of diligence if you ever expect to see any results. However, once the creature becomes even remotely hesitant in its aggression toward you, it is time to give it one more savage butt whipping for good measure, then reward your vassal with a scrap or two of brains for its obedience. Where you get these brains is entirely up to you, just so long as they aren’t coming out of
your
head, and
you
are the one who decides when to dole them out.

After the soon-to-be slave begins to submit to your will, you will need to reward their behavior if you expect this to continue. Do this only after the creature does not immediately advance toward your cranium after being beaten to the ground, but rather hesitates for at least 45 to 60 seconds. If this behavior occurs, then you have made great progress. Rewarding the beast before this will render all of your efforts thus far pointless, and you will need to begin training again from the start.

Once the zombie shows signs of relenting, put some human brains in a dog dish and feed this to them. This will help them to understand that they are allowed to eat, but only on your, the master’s terms. Do not attempt to hand feed the creature at this point, as you will likely lose some fingers in the process.

Before training even begins, however, you need to procure the grisly reward. It is quite likely that you will come across a recently deceased, non-zombified human at some point in your travels. When you do find one (or simply create one for yourself), you must then undertake the gruesome task of harvesting its brain matter for obedience compensation to your future blood servant. After procurement of said compensation, refrigerate them to keep them fresh, as zombies are not particularly fond of rotten brains. If they were, they’d just as soon eat their own! If there are no means of chilling them, however, you can smoke or salt them. Though not as coveted by zombies as refrigerated brains, preserved brains are the next best substitute.

After the monster eats its reward, patiently wait for its next attack. If you have allowed your training to be guided by the aforementioned methods, you should notice a distinct change in your subject’s behavior. Rather than attacking within a minute, the creature will likely hesitate for a good ten minutes before reaching for more brains – your brains.

If you do not achieve this level of basic obedience after the first reward, you have two options: Begin the training from scratch, or promptly de-brain the failure and find a new meat bag to train. As you train more and more zombies, you will learn how to subjugate those with stronger wills. However, for now, you should stick to ones that can be more easily tamed.

Hopefully you got lucky on your first attempt, and your new pet will show immediate signs of submission after being rewarded. Again, wait in a non-threatening pose and its hunger will eventually provoke another attack.

When this happens, repeat the vicious series of beatings delivered previously. This should be easier than the first round of bludgeoning, as you will have by now sapped a good deal of the creature’s strength and will. And although you need to be brutal, you do not need to continue beating the creature after it has fallen to the ground. As soon as it drops, you can cease the punishment.

Get out a stopwatch. After every ten minute increase in the amount of time it takes for the undead to initiate its attack, give it another reward.

Good
zombie…

If you’re lucky, this whole process will only take six or seven rounds of beating. By know your servant should be flinching whenever you show physical signs of anger, such as raising your voice or fists. However, it is unlikely that you will have instilled the level of fear needed to fully control the zombie in one day. At the end of the first day, it may not attack you outright, but it will still show signs of aggression, such as a subdued grimace or growl in your direction shortly after lifting its body off the floor. This behavior will likely never cease, but the number and frequency of beatings you will have to inflict on the zombie to let it know who’s boss will surely decrease over time.

Impossible as it may be to stop your slave from showing all signs of aggression, by now its bark will be worse than its bite (unless it actually
does
up and bite you; then you’re fucked), and it should not try attacking again for a good hour or two.

However, it is now time to let your pet know who is the real boss in this relationship.

You need to put up with your slave’s constant insubordination up until this point of training. By now the zombie is afraid to attack you, but not afraid to let you know that it still wants to. Any sign of hostility from here on out, therefore, will need to be repressed immediately. If it growls or even just gives you a look you don't appreciate, promptly beat it to the floor. Wait for it to rise and begin testing its boundaries once again. If it even so much as dares to make eye contact with you, you raise your hand and pimp slap that bitch!

Again, get out your stopwatch. Only now you will be waiting for twenty minute intervals before giving rewards for obedience. Continue this process until your zombie learns to keep its mouth shut and its hands to itself for at least three hours.

By now the zombie is ready to feed from your hand. From this point on, in fact, you should always feed the creature by hand. This establishes your dominance, a certain level of trust, and gives you the role of provider in the zombie's primitive mind.

Feed your creature three times a day in six hour intervals. I recommend breakfast at 6AM, lunch at 12PM, and dinner at 6PM. It is recommended to feed in small portions and regular intervals for two reasons: One, this will condition the creature to suppress its hunger and not attack you, as it will know that its next meal is always right around the corner (provided it behaves), and two, small portions will keep your slave weak and prohibit its stomach from exploding.

Remember though that zombies will never fully stop thirsting for your brains. By following the intense training regimen outlined above, this urge can be powerfully suppressed, much like homosexual desire, but the hunger never completely goes away.

In any instance where your slave begins to show renewed signs of aggression, lay it flat on its back with a punishing blow to the face. Any time it murmurs “brains,” flip its fucking switch off with a savage kick to the ribs.

Remember, although repeatedly referenced as a pet in the preceding discussion, this creature is not truly your pet. Do not develop feelings for it, show it any signs of love, or let it roam without chains, no matter how obedient it proves itself to be. It is not a pet; it is a slave. And, to quote Slayer, whenever any signs of insubordination resurface, “a beating beyond reprisal” is perfectly justified.

Keep in mind that zombie slaves are still zombies, however, and therefore are not all that bright. They can be trained to do simple tasks of manual labor, such as dragging a plow, splitting wood, or reprising any role that Keanu Reeves' has ever “acted” in one of his “films,” but you will have to understand its limitations. You will not be able to teach it rocket science, for instance, though why you would even think to try such a stupid thing is a pretty good fucking question!

It should be noted that, in addition to menial labor, zombies slaves can also be used in a form of asymmetrical guerrilla warfare. If your squad suddenly finds itself surrounded by an unending zombie onslaught, use your concubine to inflict casualties upon the encroaching horde by strapping it head to toe with pipe bombs and releasing it into the advancing army of undead. As it assimilates into the ranks of your foes, it will be accepted without question.

When it migrates into the center of the advance, sacrifice your Trojan horse by hitting the detonator button. The exploding shrapnel will cause a cascading rain of blood and limbs, creating a large enough diversion to allow your group to escape.

On second thought, it may be easier just to train your zombie servants with the use of a simple shock collar. Any time it tries to bite you, just give it a zap! Some folks might find these training tools inhumane, but they will definitely save you a lot of sweat in correcting bad behavior!

Why the hell didn’t I think of this sooner?