The Zombie Survival Guide: How To Live Like A King After The Outbreak (8 page)

Either way, you will want make sure that you're blowing the head off of a flesh-eating monster – and not a potential ally in your ongoing fight for survival.

However, you do not want to befriend all humans that you come across, as there will always be those who wish to exploit your resources, often taking them by force, in order to achieve their own means of survival. That, and those who wish to take you back to their own “safe house,” under the pretense of feeding you and getting you laid, only to force you into a prom dress and gang rape you for the better part of the evening. Well, at least they fulfilled one half of their promise!

Hopefully you've discussed the location of your safe house with some close friends and family before the shit really hits the fan. Try not to invite too many people to your stronghold though, as each of them are likely to bring along a douche bag friend or family member or two (or three, or four, or five) of their own.

The size of your camp should depend on the size of your compound. You don't want to cram ten people into a one room bungalow, because you will probably come into contact with your uncle's balls at some point while sleeping, but you don't want to try spreading three people out over a twelve room mansion either, as it will be difficult to defend it that way.

You will need a wide array of skill sets in order to survive the zombie apocalypse. Specifically, you will want each of your team members to possess at least one of the following skills:

Most of these should go without saying, as each of them revolve around the basic needs of survival: Building/maintaining fortifications and equipment, finding and preparing food, tending to the sick and injured, and, of course, kicking zombie ass! Having a vagina should make you a shoe-in for any zombie survival squad, but you may be wondering what exactly boyish good looks bring to the table. Well, who do you think is gonna wear the prom dress?

The best approach to dealing with raiders is to hide from them and hope that they do not find you. If they do find you, you will be left with one gruesome option: Kill them all or be killed yourself.

Luckily, raiders will be easy to spot. More than likely they will riding motorcycles or armored dune buggies, blaring heavy metal music, and heavily armed. If any persons approach your doorstep and you hear Slayer or the sound of double base drumming from the music in the background, start gathering your munitions immediately. When raiders come knocking at your doorstep, keep quiet and hope that they do not notice you or attempt to break in.

If they do notice you, pretend to start negotiations while setting up an ambush to kill them all. Try offering the guy with the boyish good looks in exchange for their leader’s spiked codpiece. Either way, you do not want to lose the element of surprise. This clever ruse, combined with your stronghold fortifications, will ensure victory if you strike quickly.

Your first task is to gun down the leader of the pack. Once this is accomplished, the minions are likely to get confused and panic. Their leader will most likely be one of two personalities:

The Alexander The Great personality will be directly on the front lines, making demands, and giving vocal commands to the rest of his crew.

The Napoleon personality will be harbored close to the best vehicle, giving tacit commands to his troops by way of head nods and complex hand signals.

Whichever type of leader chances upon your door, you need to be on the lookout for these tell-tale clues to their personality, as this will help you to determine their strengths and weaknesses, and this in turn will help to more easily kill them. Remember, taking out the leader will give you a key psychological advantage.

When you are ready to strike, do it swiftly and mercilessly. After the initial volley of fire, mowing down whoever is closest or sniping far away targets, you will next want to concentrate fire on the enemy vehicles. Blow out their tires to slow their retreat, should they attempt it. You do not want any of them escaping, only to return later with bigger and badder friends.

After the firefight, go outside to finish off the wounded. Make sure to keep the healthiest one alive, as you’ll probably want to torture them for information later. Stash the vehicles someplace out of sight – you could use the extra wheels and spare parts. And if there is enough daylight left, burn the bodies to remove the smell of man from your compound. Dancing around the funeral pyre like a crazed native in celebration of your victory is not necessary at this point, but highly encouraged.

In addition to raiders, there will be other individuals who survived the initial outbreak and somehow managed to escape. These will be small groups of two to six people who have joined forces over the course of their own adventures in zombie land. Unlike raiders, who are generally out to take you for whatever you’re worth, your average wanderer will simply be foraging for supplies and desperately searching for any sign of civilization. If they have made it this far, and they are not trying to kill you, they could make themselves useful. Some common wanderer classes you may encounter include the damsel in distress, the ex-special ed teacher, and the dashing, intrepid zombie hunter.

Wanderers may be privy to vital information obtained in the field, such as news, supply depots, and secret European mustache grooming techniques, or they may be in possession of goods and services they are willing to trade.

If any of them show any signs of potential infection, however, explain to this person that they will need to be quarantined as a precaution if they wish to stay. In the event that they do turn, you’ll want to ensure that you’ve explained to their compatriots what will have to be done, as they may have an emotional bond to the creature, before violently removing its brains.

Prostitution, otherwise known as the world’s oldest profession, has literally been around since the dawn of time. Therefore, it is going to take a lot more than a little zombie apocalypse to make it go away. Basically, the only way that this will ever happen is if women can finally achieve an equal wage for legitimate work, or if all men voluntarily submit to being neutered. Since both of these decidedly unlikely scenarios probably have about the same slim chance of occurring, I would probably just get used to the hos if I were you.

Besides, everyone has to earn a living somehow. If you had no other skills, and someone told you that
you
could earn $50-100 an hour doing something that you were probably going to do for free anyway,
you’d
probably do it too! Zombie pimps, however, have taken prostitution to a truly sickening extreme.

Zombie pimps are basically human pimps who have resorted to pimping out zombie hos, who are easier to control without wasting so many drugs, in the absence of living, breathing ones. Do not be tempted by these decomposing flesh mongers, however. Zombies begin to decay immediately after turning. After a month their bodies become so putrid that even the fat guy at the comic book shop probably won't want to have relations with one.

However, as anyone who has ever spent an afternoon surfing the web can tell you, there is a fetish out there for just about everything. As it turns out, some people actually prefer their fucks stinking dead. What results are zombie pimps who prey upon living girls to keep their inventory fresh, purposely infecting them as a means of control. This practice hinders the procreation of our species and needs to be halted with extreme brutality.

If you ever do encounter a zombie pimp, do mankind (and fashion) a favor by wasting a slug or two on his worthless, elevator shoes-wearing ass. You may even finally get to try out some of that sweet zombie action that everyone’s been talking about – for free!

Most of your encounters with people after the outbreak will be with dead people. You will need to break through their flanks or flee from the zombie hordes. It is vital to understand the basic behavior and nature of zombies to exploit their weaknesses and use them to your advantage. Detailed below are some basics regarding the mannerisms and tendencies of the recently un-deceased.

As stated earlier, zombies do not live forever. After zombism animates the deceased, you are essentially still dealing with a dead body, just as prone to the elements as anything else.

It is common knowledge that the dead decay. Decay is the zombie's strongest enemy and your best ally, provided you have more patience than ammo. In essence they become walking compost piles, which explains why they steam like a fresh turds on chilly Autumn mornings.

The lifespan of a zombie is roughly one year, during which time they become increasingly useless through the loss of limbs and other parts necessary to capture and kill. After that, the body typically becomes too decrepit to walk. Like all organic matter, they eventually collapse to the ground and slowly become fertilizer.

Zombies are also not very strong. In fact, they begin “life” about twenty percent weaker than the host was when it was truly living. What dexterity remains slowly evaporates as the zombie withers away to nothing, causing them to move slower and slower as time goes on. For some reason they don't ever run either – they kind of speed-shamble when in closing distance of the living, but even then they are usually quite slow compared to beings who still have blood flowing through their veins.

Zombie blood quickly loses its ability to clot, draining out faster than that of a hemophilia patient. The bodily fluids that do remain take on the consistency of a thick paste, often referred to as “zombie grease.”

These putrid conditions combine to provide the greatest form of zombie detection: They stink worse than roadkill, a stench that overpowers all other odors. If you ever find yourself downwind from a group of flesh-eating monsters, they can easily be detected from a few hundred yards away.

If you happen to catch a whiff of this unmistakable stink, either get a move on in the opposite direction, or quickly dispatch scouts toward the odor while you prepare for combat.

They (being zombies) also do not sleep. Rather, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly, they tirelessly advance in pursuit of your brains. This can make them hard to outrun, despite their relatively slow rate of advance. Just like the story of the tortoise and the hare, their constant pace will eventually catch up to you while you rest. It could be that this fable was actually concocted with the express purpose of teaching children not to rest too long while fleeing from zombies in hot (or not-so-hot) pursuit.