Therapy Ever After (Therapy #1.5) (4 page)

She’s grasping the small notebook with one hand and caressing it with the other.

“He was really happy in the end. Thank you for that,” she tells me.

My heart swells, and feelings I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a long time rise up within me. Kingsley. Memories of him bring about such a mixture of happiness and pain. I stare at the notebook in her hand and ask myself if I want it. Then I realize there’s no way I could possibly not want it. Of course I want it. Will it hurt? Yes. Sometimes pain is worth the rewards that come along with it.

“He made me happy as well. I miss him a lot.”

She smiles and holds the notebook out to me. “I miss him, too. More than I can express. I hope this gives you some solace.”

I take the notebook. The leather is soft and worn from time.

“Thank you for thinking of me. This is really thoughtful of you,” I say.

She nods. “I have to go, but I really appreciate you allowing me a few moments of your time.”

We say our goodbyes and she leaves. As soon as I close the door, I take a deep breath and then exhale. My phone is ringing. It’s Jace. I let it go to voicemail. I flip the TV off and sit down on my sofa with the notebook. When I open it, my heart begins to race.

I
MET A
girl today. I don’t know why, but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about her.

Jessica.

She’s the only reason I’m looking forward to going back to group. I want to know more about her. Hopefully she doesn’t think I’m a weird creeper.

I hate to admit it to myself, but she resembles Lily. That’s what drew my attention to her to begin with. I’m sure it’s completely fucked to seek the attention of a girl who looks like my dead wife, but something tells me I need to know her. And maybe she needs to know me, too. Is that weird to think?

I miss Lily and feel guilty for having someone else on my mind. My sister keeps telling me I need to move on. I keep telling her I don’t know how.

Still, here I am, writing in a notebook about a girl I can’t stop thinking about. The last time I started writing about a girl in a notebook was in high school. No one knows I keep these. It seems like a pussy kind of thing for a dude to do, but I’ve always been my own best friend, and this is how I keep my shit together. Writing music or writing thoughts keeps me honest with myself, and the truth is I know I need to move on. It just scares the shit out of me.

Jessica. I wonder what scares the shit out of her? What makes her happy? Why is she in group? She looks so sad. Empty even. A lot like me. I don’t even know her yet and I just want her to be happy . . .

I QUICKLY TYPE
out a text to Jace.

Me: Please give me the night to think on things. I need tonight. BTW I love the flowers. All of them.

I can’t possibly call him after reading from Kingsley’s notebook. I sort of need to lie down and snuggle up with memories tonight. Jace texts back, and as I read his words, I smile. Even when I’m angry at him, he can make me feel a certain degree of warmth.

Jace: Whatever you need. I’ll wait to hear from you. I’ll wait as long as you need me to.

He may have made a lot of mistakes in our past and made this most recent mistake, but one thing he remains consistent with is how firmly he stands in truth. Jace Collins owns his mistakes so solidly, and when he tells me he’ll wait as long as I need him to, I believe him. I believe him as deeply as I believe the sun will rise each morning.

I get in bed with the notebook clutched in my hand. Of course the smart thing to do would be to read this slowly, one day at a time. Make it last. That’s not realistic. Anyone in my shoes would open this notebook and read it from front to back, no question. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I need to read his words, feel his thoughts resonate within me, and tuck the memories away in my heart where they belong.

JESSICA WANTS TO
go to Jace’s mother’s funeral. I don’t know how to feel about this.

She loves me. I know she does. She also loves him. I know she chose me, but I can’t help feeling this nagging little voice in my head telling me this is temporary between us. Jace was her first love. No matter how much we have healed one another, no matter how much we love each other, there will always be this space between us where he lives. I don’t like the dude, but I have to accept this. I even find myself thinking about it, the day I have to let her go back to him.

Because isn’t that what love is? Giving the other person whatever they need or want to be happy? She needed me. She needs me right now. We need each other now. She might need me for a while, but I can’t help feeling deep down one day, ultimately, she’s going to want him again, need him again.

I had a first love, too. Lily was my life mate, soul mate. I believe in those completely. Life rarely follows rules. So many times it throws you a damn curve ball and you have to catch it or get knocked the hell down. Figuring out what to do once you have that ball in your hand or your ass on the ground is the hard part. I’ve caught my fair share and I like to think I’ve done okay. My biggest fall was losing Lily. It took me a long time to figure out what to do after that fall.

I know if I had a chance to have a new start with my soul mate, I would not hesitate to take it, and I know Jessica would want that for me. She loves me as much as I love her, but I’ll never be Jace just like she’ll never be Lily. Even if she denies it, she’ll love him forever. He’ll love her forever. I saw it in his eyes that night in the bar. I know that look. When we looked at each other, there might have been a shitload of anger, but in one small moment, I saw it. That guy will never love anyone the way he loves her. She’s it for him.

I’m going to have to be okay with this because I love her. Life is a series of chapters in a huge book we call life. I’m just happy she’s part of mine, even if it’s only for a few chapters.

I’M ON MY
way to class. I call Mercedes most mornings and we talk using my Bluetooth while I drive. I couldn’t wait to tell her about the notebook.

“Yes, I read the entire thing, Mercedes. I cried like a baby more than once. He was a beautiful, beautiful soul. It’s like I got to have him back for a moment while reading his words. The last entry was the hardest to read, but it was also something I really needed to hear. I have to try and figure things out with Jace.”

“Jace? How does he have anything to do with a notebook that belonged to Kingsley? I’m confused.”

“You’ll have to read it for yourself to see what I mean. He basically said Jace and I are soul mates and he knew it all along. He accepted it but wanted what time he had with me. I don’t know. Reading it was almost as if his words were releasing me to fully love again, to love Jace completely. It’s hard to explain. There’s a part of me that was still conflicted and I was trying to ignore it. I don’t feel conflicted anymore.”

I come to a red light and Mercedes says, “Wow, I don’t know what to say. I guess this is good. Right? It’s closure in a way while at the same time freeing you to let Jace back in. Well, if that’s what you want to do, I mean.”

I sigh. “I still need to know what the hell is going on with the Victoria situation. That has to be sorted out first.”

“When are you going to talk to him?” she asks me.

I’m almost to the school. “I don’t know. I’m going to see when he’s available to talk. I’m at the school now so I have to go, but I’ll keep you posted on what’s going on later. Love you.”

“Okay, love you, too.”

We hang up and I park. I shoot Jace a quick text before going to class.

Me: Are you available to talk tonight?

He immediately texts me back.

Jace: For you, yes.

Me: Can you come to my place?

Jace: What time?

Me: Just whenever you can after work. I’ll be home all night.

Jace: Okay. How about 7?

Me: Okay.

Jace: I’ll bring dinner.

Me: I won’t say no to food.

Jace: I didn’t think you would. Lol

Me: Shut it. Wise ass.

Jace: You like my ass.

Me: OMG, stop flirting with me. I’m mad at you, remember?

Jace: Yes, I remember. I’m still going to flirt with you anyway.

Me: Goodbye, Jace. :p

Jace: See you tonight.