There But For The Grace (32 page)

It wasn’t long after that that Adelaide woke up. She made no move to shift away from my shoulder, in fact, nestling up against me even more.

“Good morning,” I offered quietly, even if I wasn’t quite sure what time it actually was.

“You’re really all right?” she asked instead of greeting me back.

“As well as possible under the circumstances. How do you feel?”

“Like I just want someone to actually fucking level with me. Everyone is dancing around things, probably thinking it’s for my own good. You said you’d answer my questions.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Despite everything, she was still very much herself. “I will.”

“Did you mean what you said, back before that thing dragged you off?”

“I did. I love you Adelaide. I have for some time, but...”

“But part of being in love with me was that you wanted the best for me, didn’t want me to get hurt, all of that shit, right?”

“All of it,” I said.

“Ok, so what changed? Why didn’t you just shove me back under someone’s protection or something? That would have been for my own good, and you might not have ended up in Hell.”

“I could have, but you made your own decisions. You had all of the information, and chose to go with me, deeper into the enemy ranks. That’s a lot different than just not knowing enough to make informed decisions.”

“When did you know, I mean, really know you were in love with me?”

“In Nevada, when you started with the knives. You started to trust me more, and you stopped letting fear drive your decisions.”

“Why didn’t you say any... no, nevermind that. I get it. You wanted to let me get on with my own life.”

“There was still some hope for it then, it seemed. Yes.”

She sighed. “I wish you’d have said something and let me make my own decisions then, too.”

“That had at least a little bit to do with asking what you wanted to do with your life. But yes, I should have.”

“I didn’t know what I want to do with my life. And now, it looks like there’s not much left of it. But you know what? For once, I don’t regret it. I’m not just existing anymore.”

“You don’t know how much time you have left. We’ll—”

“Azrael does, and he’s all but come out and fucking said it. The bitch is killing me, and the Demons and Fallen and things are trying to kill me even faster.”

“Azrael doesn’t tell people how long they have left, and sometimes, he doesn’t even know. I’d say there’s a lot of things that aren’t certain.” The comment was made both to Adelaide and to Iaoel. I’m sure each would take it very differently.

“Okay, so he hasn’t actually said it, but I know I’m hurting. He’s sort of suggested I didn’t have much time left.”

“And would you believe him if he told you otherwise?”

She grinned. “Okay, so maybe not. This sucks.”

“It does,” I agreed.

The grin disappeared just as quickly. “So, now that we’re not both about to die, or something, probably, I kind of need to know. Did you mean it? Or do you go back to trying to let me get back to living my life?”

I started to answer that we were beyond that now, before pausing. That wasn’t, ultimately, what she was asking. “I meant it. I love you, Addy.”

The conversation paused as she shifted, lifting her head off my shoulder, climbing my chest a bit. “Gabriel said to give this to you, and I think it’s time.” She leaned in, pressing her lips to mine. At first, it was slow and uncertain, and I didn’t press. I did, however, feel the lock Lucifer had placed on me lifting: Gabriel’s gift, freedom. He might have intended that to help us in Hell, and it would have, but I also didn’t care about anyone’s intent except Adelaide’s. I put an arm around her, pressing her tighter to me, and kissed her back. With that single moment of reassurance, she was kissing me hard.

The kiss finally broke, and she rested both arms on me, then settled her chin on her arms, looking into my eyes, looking a little more shy than Adelaide tended to, but not unhappy with the decision.

“So, Gabriel said to give that to me, did he?” I asked, teasing just a bit.

That got a genuine laugh out of her. “The first couple seconds was Gabriel, the rest was all me. You’re sure about this? No going back. No normal life. What happens now?”

“I’m sure. And what do you want to happen now?”

“I want to get the bitch out of my head, to start with. I want to feel safe, and then I want to do things that don’t involve having a third party watching. I’d also really like to not die, so we can get to some of that.”

“Then that’s what we’re going to make happen.”

“It almost sounds like you believe that’s possible.”

“I just broke out of Hell. I believe a lot of things are possible.”

Some of her smile returned, along with at least a glimmer of genuine hope in her eyes.

“Screw Gabriel, this one is all me,” she said. Soon she was pulling herself almost entirely on top of me, legs twining with mine while she kissed me again. Eventually, she needed air, and, much as both of us needed the contact and the kissing after so much time and the fight to get back to each other, she needed to talk more. “What do I need to do? I’m scared, Tab... but I feel a lot safer now that I’m back with you. I just... need a little bit of direction to figure out which way is up.”

“You need to survive. There’s more to it than that, but it’s a place to start. Which means you need to eat, and rest, to keep your body as healthy as possible. And then you need to start trying to come to a truce with Iaoel.”

She tensed up at that. “What? Why the fuck would I—”

I interrupted her, squeezing her to my side a bit more. “Hear me out. I didn’t say agree with her or let her do anything. It’s your mind and your body. But you need your strength. She knows quite well that you need to survive, or she loses. It’s in her best interests to help you. Your end goals may be different, but until we have a safe way to extract her, she has to keep you alive. Don’t give up, don’t let her bully you... but remind her that pushing too hard doesn’t help her if it ends up hurting you.”

Adelaide remained tense, but didn’t object to me holding her, either. “You know what she’s trying to do, right?”

“I do. I also know that it’s taking a toll on you, and that you’ve just been to Hell. Mortals aren’t supposed to be there, and that trip is going to be harder on you than it seems. I’m not saying any of this to go easier on you. I’m saying that you need to save your strength for the most important battles. Including making sure you don’t end up one of the damned.”

Adelaide sighed and shifted to my side, resting her head on my shoulder again. “Some of those damned helped to save your life in there. Sure, they were pissed off and violent, but they were brave, too. What’s the difference between them and me? I’ve killed now. And I’m definitely pissed off.”

“The difference is that you still have a chance. They did too, once upon a time. And come judgment day, they will again. You still know God’s Grace. You can ask for forgiveness.”

“Just like that? Ask for forgiveness? And all of that goes away? They could have just asked to be forgiven, and they’d have gone the other way?”

I sighed. “Not just like that. You have to be genuinely penitent.”

“And how do I do that?”

“Just try and meet Him halfway. Make the effort to be better than your enemies, do things for the right reasons.”

“I still don’t get it. Being easier on the bitch seems a lot like giving up. You helped me learn to fight back. So I’m just supposed to stop?”

“Not at all. You can fight back, defend yourself. If she wants to damn herself, then Falling is her decision. Don’t let her take you with her. She’s not worth it.”

She paused, looking thoughtful, and worked up to propping herself up again. “You mean that? She’s not worth it? Even if she’s an Angel, who has been around all this time, and I might die any day now, because some Demon got lucky or I forget to eat? I saw Hell, Tab. They don’t exactly think much of all those mortal souls.”

“A lot of the Fallen are jealous of mortals. That had a lot to do with their Fall. Yes, I mean it. She’s not worth it.”

“They didn’t look very jealous.”

“Appearances can be deceiving. They’re fighting a war over the fate of mortal souls. Power isn’t everything. Especially when, for all their power, the Fallen weren’t God’s favored. Mortals are.”

“You’re sure about that? What I saw of the Holocaust, and all those people trapped down there. How is that favored anything?”

“We can make choices, but we’re more prone to being true to our natures. Your people have unfettered free will. Your choices are your own. Those choices can lead to a Fall, yes. Choices aren’t without consequence. But mortals can also rise to do incredible things, or commit acts of mercy and kindness in impossible situations. None of it is easy, but I also believe you have the strength of will to be stronger than Iaoel is—and to be better.”

She sighed and shook her head. “I’ll think about it and try some more questions some time on that. It still doesn’t all make sense. And right now, being angry at the person trying to co-opt my body feels right. It’s helping me keep going. But I am listening. I promise.”

“That’s all I can ask. It’s ultimately your decision.”

“And until then, you’ll keep me safe? Even if I make the wrong choices?”

“That’s your right, and I’ll defend it. And yes, I’ll protect you to the end, as best I can.”

“Okay, I have a couple more questions, then. Then, maybe, we can go get something to eat?”

“Of course.”

“If being forgiven, and in God’s Grace, and everything, is so great, why are your wings red, instead of white?”

“Because I’ve done terrible things for the right reasons. I’ve never wavered from my purpose. Sometimes, though, that purpose involves protecting people’s rights to make the wrong choices. I’ve killed to defend that right. Worse, from the perspective of some of the host, I’ve allowed souls to be damned, in order to protect their right to their choices. In many of those circumstances, I could have intervened. Made a show of power, or performed an apparent miracle that might have changed minds, maybe. I might have simply been able to save some people who ended up damned instead.”

“So why didn’t you? I mean, you’re not Fallen. You’re still going to protect the gates of Heaven and all, right?”

“I am a servant of our Father. He gave me a sacred duty, and I swore to do it. Some days that’s easier than on others.”

“Okay, so you’ve done terrible things for the right reasons. But can’t you just ask for forgiveness?”

“No, because I don’t regret them. I’d do any of them again in an instant. I can’t ask forgiveness for sins I don’t regret, and would commit again under the same circumstance.”

“All right but if that’s true, then why haven’t you fallen? Why red, and not black?”

“Because I don’t waver from my purpose. I don’t sin for my own gain, or by chance. When I can’t ask forgiveness, I ask for mercy. A soldier may have to kill in the line of duty. Many of those called by God to serve have done so—David and Samson, for instance. But if they do so to protect their home and family, there can be room to claim just cause. But it’s a narrow path to walk. You saw the results of some of those who may have intended that way and, when in their right minds, understand duty, loyalty, and courage—but they still fell off the path somewhere and let fear and hatred rule them.”

“So, even though you’re just doing your job, you get dinged for all these sins, and Michael gets to keep the bright white wings, even after that bullshit he pulled?”

“Michael rarely puts himself in a position to fail. He didn’t achieve his position by being the most contemplative, and he doesn’t interact much with mortals. He’s like one of those soldiers I was talking about. Everything he does is about the war for judgment day, and as far as he’s concerned, the greatest good he can do for all the billions of souls is to make sure that Heaven is the winning side. Most often, the sooner the better.”

“So he didn’t try to trap me in Hell because he hates me?”

“Michael doesn’t hate you. He barely considers you, and that’s part of the problem. If sacrificing one life solved the problems of dealing with the Iaoel situation, and made sure he got the keys back, he’s unlikely to think twice. On the other hand, if one sacrifice meant the resolution of judgment in Heaven’s favor, and releasing all of the souls in Hell into God’s Grace, he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to be that sacrifice, either. It’s the same way as he wouldn’t have hesitated to have killed you in order to draw out Iaoel.”

“So you’re actually defending that asshole?”

“No. I object enough to what he did that I don’t even pity him being on the wrong end of Raphael’s anger.”

“Raphael didn’t seem that pissed to me.”

“He’s not angry with you, and most often, if you’re not on the wrong end of it, most folks would never notice.”

“So what happens when Michael decides I’m an acceptable sacrifice again?”

“He won’t.”

“And why is that, exactly, if he barely thinks I’m even worth noticing, other than having an inconvenient Angel in my head?”

“Because of Azrael and Miri. Michael may not see the smaller pictures going on, but believe me, they do.”

“And he’s afraid of Azrael. He backed down from him readily enough.” she said.

“A little afraid. Everyone and everything dies. But that doesn’t begin to measure up to the respect he has for Miri.”

“The all-powerful War, who decides to take the form of a kindergartener? That doesn’t seem like the show of strength he’d respect.”

“Keep in mind what Michael lives for.”

The light clearly went on at that, and she smiled. “The war between Heaven and Hell, right. And she’s the Horseman of War.”

“Exactly. He might back down from Azrael, though he’ll stand up for himself when it’s something he believes in enough. He’s never, ever going to challenge her. And she likes you.”

She was quiet for a while, looking into my eyes and resting, propped on my chest. Finally, she crawled up my chest more, giving me another firm kiss, before she rolled over and sat up. “I think I’ve had all the theology I can handle. Let’s try the food thing.”