There Is No Light in Darkness (28 page)

I shake my head. “No. I have to do it. Let me do it, please.” He takes a deep breath and nods slowly.

“Okay,” he agrees, “but let me help you.”

I don’t want his help. I want to do it on my own, but he insists on helping me—as he always does.  So we scrub together. We scrub until the skin is peeling from our knuckles.

Becky and Greg get in later that night and we all comfort each other by looking at photos of all of us together and telling stories about Maggie.

“You know she told Cole to stay away from you, right?” Aubry says, smiling sadly.

“What do you mean? When?” I ask confused. I’d never heard that before.

“When you got here from Shelley’s. She sat us both down, and she said she wasn’t worried about me because she didn’t see me ogle you. But Cole, she told him ... What was it that she told you, dude?” Aubry asks turning his face to look at Cole.

Cole lets out a laugh. “She told me that if I knew what was good for me, I would stay away from Blake. That she saw the way I kept looking at her and she wasn’t sure she could deal with a pregnant teenager in her house,” he says smiling. “She even said if I tried to chase after you, she’d find you another home to live in.”

“What?” I shriek. “I can’t believe that!”

Aubry chuckles at my reaction. “Obviously she was kidding! She just didn’t want Cole to be trying to have sex with you.”

“But still! She never said anything to me at all,” I say, frowning. “I can’t believe that. She seemed so happy when we finally started dating.”

Cole smiles brightly. “That’s because I asked her blessing the night of that Halloween party.”

I laugh and crinkle my nose. “You asked for her blessing to drag me out of a party because you saw me making out with another guy and practically forced me to start dating you?”

Aubry, Aimee, Becky, and Greg laugh collectively as Cole snickers and gets up to sit on the floor beside me. He sits so close to me, that I’m forced to turn my body to meet his ardent gaze.

He grabs both sides of my face as he softly strokes my cheeks with his thumbs. “First of all, that guy you were kissing was a douche. Second of all, I didn’t force you to do anything. You wanted me from the moment you stepped into this house. You think I didn’t notice your catty looks every time I brought a girl over?” he asks with a raised eyebrow. “Why do you think I kept doing it?” he smirks when my mouth drops open. “I knew you wanted me, but I also knew you were scared of getting involved, so I left you alone until I couldn’t take being without you anymore.” He leans in and nibbles on my bottom lip before he coaxes it open and caresses my tongue with his. For a moment we’re lost in a world where only he and I exist. Where nobody can harm us or tear us apart. We’re in heaven, until Aubry clears his throat loudly, and we’re brought back to reality.

“You really brought all of those whores over to get a reaction out of me?” I ask, scrutinizing his face.

He shrugs in response. “Well, that’s not the entire reason, but it was definitely a perk.”

“You’re such a jerk,” I say, narrowing my eyes at him and pushing him off as he laughs and hugs my body close to his.

Days after the shooting, we have to deal with sentiments from the neighborhood. We’re told what a good person Maggie was, what a big heart she had, what an amazing job she did with us, and how much she would be missed. We have blank stares through all of it. We stare at nothing as we watch her casket go into the ground. I feel so much of nothing it feels like my body is going to blow up. Even though Cole has taken every opportunity he could to make sure I know that I’m not the problem, I can’t stop blaming myself. Cole and I had just visited Maggie and asked her about our past. We went to see her after those people started contacting me, and I’m thinking they probably followed us there. Guilt is eating at me little by little, and I’m not sure how much more it’ll take from me before its belly is full.

Chapter Twenty-two

Present

One Month Later

I decide to drop my issues on living with Cole, as long as he promises to have two bodyguards with him at all times. I can’t stand the thought of him being taken from me. The police still have no leads on who killed Maggie. They keep saying it might be gang members in the area. They’re full of shit, and they know it as much as we do. I’ve called Mark to harass him for information that he swears he doesn’t have—and for once, I don’t think he’s hiding anything from me. I’ve decided to accept my fate and tell those I love that I love them. Because what the hell? If I’m going to die today, they might as well know it.

Every day, I call Becky and Greg and let them know that I miss them and love them. When I hug Aubry and Aimee goodbye, I tell them the same. I’m sick of living in fear. And if I’m going to live in fear, then I’m going to do it right, dammit. Since they’ve decided not to let me shut them out, I’m going to let them know how I feel. I just hope my love doesn’t kill them, too. I know those three words are not at fault, though. It’s me—my presence. I’m tainted.

Every day since Maggie died, I’ve made it a point to take the long route home. I want to enjoy the buildings, the trees, the faces, the colorful flowers that are blooming, and the sun hitting my face. I want to enjoy the air that I’m fortunate enough to breathe and cherish the people that I have in my life. I haven’t decided to stop searching for answers, but I’ve put it on hold. I’m focusing on the bar exam that I’m taking in a couple of weeks, which is more important to me—for now. I have a timeline of my life’s events at home in my box. So far, I have a couple of things filled out, but no concrete answers. I walk around aware of my surroundings, but some days, like today, I let myself go and just focus on walking. Bruce watches me from afar, and I’m grateful for him.

When I get home, I find Cole packing for his trip to New York. I love that he loves his job, but I hate that he has to travel so much for it. His trips are usually one-day trips; he rarely even stays anywhere overnight, which makes it silly for me to even care about him going. I go to the kitchen and make him a sandwich and coffee for his ride to the airport. He sits on the barstool in front of me and watches me as I’m putting everything away.

“Marry me,” he says behind me, making me drop the packs of cold cuts in my hand. I whip around and gape at him. He laughs and gets up to walk over to me. He bends down and picks up the packs of roast beef and cheese that I dropped, and puts them away for me before turning back to face me again. He holds both of my hands in his and kisses the tip of my nose.

“Marry me, Blake Brennan,” he says as he looks at me with hopeful wide eyes. I bite down on my lip to keep from smiling.

“Aren’t you going to get down on one knee?” I ask quietly, raising an eyebrow. We’ve talked about marriage before, and he swore he was going to orchestrate the most “epic” proposal-his words. This was definitely not “epic,” not that I needed that. With the way my heart felt as if it were about to pop out of my chest, I clearly didn’t need anything fancier than this.

He tilts his head and smiles. “You’re right. I did promise you epic.”

I shake my head slowly and laugh. “I’m kidding! Don’t take it back!”

“Oh, I’m not taking it back, but I definitely want to do it over. I want you to remember it forever. I’ll come up with something…” he says, his words trailing off as he ponders.

“No! I loved it this time!”

He laughs. “I know you did, baby, but I don’t even have a ring yet,” he says before he kisses me softly. “And technically you never said yes, so I still get another try. I’ll see you tonight.”

“See you. I love you,” I reply with a smile and a loud kiss.

He beams at me. “I love you, too.”

A couple of hours after he leaves, Aubry drops by. He’s still unpacking boxes, which is absurd. He finds the funniest things from our teenage years and brings them over. I open the door for him, and we sit in the living room talking about Maggie for a while. Her death has taken a toll on him, and he’s now swimming twice a day, instead of his regular one hour in the mornings. He says being in the water gives him a numb feeling, which is all he wants sometimes.

“It sucks to lose your mother,” he says as he lets his head fall back on the couch.

“Sucks is a bad word for that loss. I don’t think a strong enough word exists,” I reply sadly as I squeeze his hand in mine. “I’m so sorry.”

He sighs and looks at me. “Will you please stop saying you’re sorry? You lost her too, Cowboy. If you keep blaming yourself, I’m going to disown you as my best friend,” he huffs.

I sputter in laughter. “Really? Is that even possible?”

He smiles and shakes his head. “Nah, probably not.”

“So what’d you find this time?” I ask him as I cross one leg under the other.

“Well, other than these,” he says, smiling and handing me our old Jax sets. “I found this,” he gives me a ratty-looking envelope.

“What is it?” I ask with wide eyes. “Oh my God, Aubry. Don’t tell me you had a crush on me all this time!” I squeal.

He throws his head back and laughs loudly. “Fuck, Cowboy, it took you this long to notice?” he asks amused. “I gotta step up my game!”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “Really, though, what is it?” I ask examining the envelope in my hand.

“It’s the letter that Cole gave me that time, you know, after we went to see him? At Duke?”

He sees the realization cross my face and nods along with me. “Oh,” is all I can reply. I’m not sure if I want to read this—ever.

“Well, I figured you’re together now. You won’t die if you read it. Or you can just throw it away. I didn’t want to make the decision for you.”

“You didn’t read it?” I ask surprised.

He tilts his head and gives me a look. “Of course I fucking read it. Have you met me?”

I laugh loudly, because Aubry is seriously one of the nosiest people I know.

After he leaves, I throw on a light jacket and decide to go to the park for a while. After walking around and lounging for a bit, I look at my phone and see that it’s only 3:10. I smile and type a quick text message to Cole.

I love you.

I do this sometimes in the middle of the day—in hopes of getting him through a rough day. I’m not sure that it helps him, but I like to imagine his smiling face when he reads them. I press Send and lie back down on the grass. I hear a crunch in my back pocket and remember the letter. I sit back up and take it out. The envelope is unmarked. It looks as if it’s been through hell and back—and in a sense, it has. I hear my phone beep Cole’s reply:

I love you to the moon and back. Sitting in a meeting, scheming our epic engagement.

I laugh out loud at that before I put my phone beside me and take the letter out of the envelope. I raise my eyebrows at the sight of Cole’s messy handwriting. His penmanship has definitely gotten better over the years. I don’t know why my hands are shaking. It’s not as if this letter will change anything now. The thought doesn’t stop my heart from skipping a beat, though.

Baby,

I hope by the time you get this letter, it’s not too late. I hope that I never have to give this to you at all. I hope that tomorrow morning you come downstairs and have chocolate chip pancakes with me, as you do every morning, and tell me that breaking up with me was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. I hope you ask me to get back together with you, because I’d do it. I’d forget about the hole that you made in my heart when you said your goodbye. I know that won’t happen though. You’re stuck in your ways—as usual. You seem to think I would be missing out on some awesome college experience if we stayed together. I fucking love you. When will you understand that? I don’t wanna see other people. There is nobody out there that will ever be what you are to me. Nobody will ever be pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, or as big of a pain in my ass as you are. You’re the only one I want. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.

I hope by the time you get this you haven’t moved on—but if you have, know that I haven’t, because I’m not moving on. Ever. I don’t know how to be without you anymore. I don’t know how to wake up without your good mornings or go to sleep without your good nights. I don’t want to know what that’s like. I don’t want to not touch you when I see you during holidays. I don’t want to know what it’s like to share you with someone else. The thought of that makes me sick. I can’t share you, Blake. Please don’t make me. I hope that when you read this, you’ll be sitting next to me, rolling your beautiful big gray eyes at me. I hope that you lean over and call me out on how sappy I am for even writing this shit.

I hope you tell me that you know we can make it through four years of college, even if we are apart, because you know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I hope you ask me to give up my scholarship to Duke and go to UC with you and Aubry—I’d do it in a heartbeat.

These next four years without you are going to be fucking hell for me. Please don’t make me go through them without you. Please say you’ll take me back. I love you. I love you more than anything else in this world. It’ll always be you.