Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (28 page)

STEP 1: THINK OF SOMETHING YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR BODY.

One thing you love about your body—could be
anything
. I love my hair. My legs are strong. The freckle on my back is cute. My body gave birth to
my child. My skin regenerates. I love my rockin' tits. My toes are adorable. My ass is so spankable. I love the way there's that curve on my side. My legs let me dance. My arms can lift heavy things. My body heals itself. Whatever your version is, find one thing. If you can't find even one thing that you love about your body, that's okay. Head to the next step anyway.

STEP 2: NEXT, THINK OF AN AFFIRMATION.

An affirmation is
a declaration of something that is true and used to practice positive thinking.
This is the part where affirmations aren't weird and not just for people who love chanting; in fact they're pretty damn fun and for absolutely everyone.

Some examples of affirmations could be: My body is beautiful; my mind is brilliant. I LOVE me. I acknowledge my own self-worth. I am perfect and complete just the way I am. My body deserves love. Girl, you are KILLIN' it today! I release myself from outside expectations.

Others that I have heard and loved: My hair is gray and that's more than okay. I am worthy of love. It is okay to love myself just as I am. My body is a vessel of awesomeness. Goddamn, I'm hot shit. This is my life and I have decided that my body is good.

My personal choice?
I am okay.

For me, a simple “You are okay, Jes” is all I need. I challenge you to find one that speaks to you, whatever that may be.

STEP 3: WRITE DOWN YOUR AFFIRMATION AND THAT THING YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR BODY.

It's great that you've found your affirmation (and if someone is around, tell them what you've decided!), but make sure you write it on that Post-it Note (or piece of paper, or mirror). Place your affirmation wherever you tend to be when you have the most negative thoughts. It could be your bathroom mirror, your bedroom or the room where you get dressed every day, next to or under your pillow so it's there when you go to sleep and when you wake up. You know where those spiraling thoughts most often come; put your Post-it (or whatever) there.

STEP 4: EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT, I WANT YOU TO READ YOUR POST-IT OUT LOUD.

Don't skim it. Don't read it in your head. Read it
and
say it out loud. Here's why it's important that you do so: When you're having a negative thought and you say a positive thought out loud, it is impossible for the negative thought to remain. They simply can't coexist in the same place at the same time. So you're ridding your brain of the old way of thinking; you're ejecting the toxic shit and forcefully jump-starting it into a positive direction. And your brain never had a chance to say no.

You get to be totally in control, and you get to say the truth even when the lies seem so loud.

Try doing this for weeks, or maybe even months.

See what happens.

Affirmations are for everyone, because positive thinking is for everyone. Body love is for everyone. Self-esteem is for everyone.

And that includes you.

fat girls find love, too: yes, that includes you
fat girls find love, too: yes, that includes you

[ CHAPTER TWELVE ]
[ CHAPTER TWELVE ]

H
ere is the BIGGEST MYTH in all of Fat Girl mythdom: Fat girls never find love.

On this, I call
bullshit
, my dear friends. The bulliest shit there is.

Fat girls find ALL KINDS of love! They find community love. Instant love. Friend love. Kitten love. Family love. Work love. Puppy love. Partner love. Lover love. Coffee date love. Lifetime-forever love. And yes, most importantly, they find self-love.

Pfft.

Never find love, my ass.

Community and Friend Love

I'm learning so much about the power that having a circle of friends can hold in my life. Not just one friend, or a bunch of acquaintance friends, but rather a tight-knit circle of people who know you, love you, and support you. It's a fucking wonderful thing.

It's also a fucking
important
thing.

Obviously, who you surround yourself with matters, and when you're learning to love yourself (and your body), it's critical to be around those who are aligned with your values and supportive of your ultimate goals. Take inventory of those around you. Make sure they respect themselves
and
you. Make sure they are the kinds of people who are working toward happiness. Make sure the good they bring is good, and the bad they bring is far less than the good.

A favorite tweet of mine?

@VirgieTovar
: Envision the life you want. Find the people who will help you create that life. Love them unconditionally. Repeat.

That's from my gal Virgie Tovar, of course.

We are taught to be nice and polite humans, and that those who in any way disregard others
must
lack some sort of moral upbringing. We are also conditioned to believe that the more people like us, the better. As in, the closer your individual “feedback” rating is to 100 percent, the better a person you are. This is sometimes called the “Need-to-Please Disease,” and there are a number of causes. It's especially common with those of us who have super low self-esteem. When we don't believe in ourselves, we think we need a large number of other people to validate us. Unfortunately, while support systems are definitely necessary, accumulating copious amounts of devotees ain't the answer. We don't need a million friends; we need a few great ones. If you find yourself struggling with the Need-to-Please Disease, try spending less time trying to seduce lots of people to “like” you and instead focus on cultivating relationships with those who are also working toward a life full of love, happiness, and (most importantly) progress.

Now, I'm not saying you should ditch any of your friends who aren't wildly successful and spout affirmations every ten seconds with a shit-eating grin on their faces 24/7.

In fact, if you had friends like that, I would be completely weirded out and wonder what they're hiding, because Jesus, whatever it is, it must be BIG.

What I AM trying to say is probably better said by Jade Beall:

Find a community that can see YOU! Don't hang out with people who are obsessing about how they need to be different to be happy. Find people who are happy, or are at least practicing happiness as they are now so that they can infect you with their happiness and you can infect them with yours. I stopped hanging out with people who complain about themselves all the time, and it's a work in progress; a practice. But I want to be around those who work toward self-love instead of self-hatred. I have enough of that on my own.

Yes. That.

There are, of course, ways to find a middle ground if you're not sure what's best for you OR if you're not wanting to go out and find a whole slew of new relationships right now. If your friend says something degrading about you, try responding, “Jesus, that really hurt my feelings, and I would prefer that you stop commenting negatively about me, kthx.” Or, if your friends are endlessly “diet talking” about how they could
never
eat that or how they feel so
fat OMG
, try redirecting the conversation to another topic, or say something like, “I'd really prefer we talk about something else. So how about that last episode of ‘How to Get Away with Murder'?” or whatever neutral topic you like.

What if you don't have any body positive friends, and when you say, “Please don't make fun of my body,” they say, “Fuck you, loser!”? Well (obvs), ditch 'em, and find positive support elsewhere.

A word (or four hundred) on losing friends: Whether they leave you or you leave them, it can be an emotional and difficult experience. But let me remind you of something: Every friend and loved one in our lives holds a different role, and they each stay for a certain period
of time. Tyler Perry's character Madea (of ALL people) gave some incredible advice about this in the film
Madea Goes to Jail
. She talks about how some people come into our lives for a long time, maybe even our whole lives, and some people are “seasonal”—they only stay for a period of time, and it's imperative that we don't confuse these types of people and their roles. Along the same lines, she says some people are like leaves; they are easily blown around—they don't offer much, and are unreliable. I'm gonna be real with you right now: Most people are leaves. And just like Madea says, that's okay. Just acknowledge that they're a leaf and move on.

Then the Madea character goes on to say that some people are like branches, and branches are to be cautiously approached. They may look strong, but as soon as you try to lean on them for support, “they'll break and they'll leave you high and dry.” All you need, she says, is a few people to be your roots.
¹
THOSE people are the ones who will nourish you and be there for the long haul, and once you find 'em? Keep 'em.

The rest of them? Let 'em go.

Here's the beautiful thing: When you let these people go, whether you realize at the time that they're toxic or you don't see how they brought negativity until they're gone . . . you're making space for new things.
It's so important to make space for new things.

I know this may sound strange, but if you've made some space and need some emotional or body encouragement
now
. . . you can find it in books. Believe me when I tell you that books can be your best friend. Remember in
Chapter 8
where I talked about the five-legged stool? For me, one of those legs has always been uplifting literature and nonfiction. If you're looking for suggestions, there are many in the back of this book. There were three books that became my besties through thick and thin:
Hot and Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love & Fashion
, edited by Virgie Tovar (Seal Press, 2012),
Lessons From the Fat-o-sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body
, by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby (Perigee Books, 2009), and
Fat! So?:
Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size
, by Marilyn Wann (Ten Speed Press, 1998). These books inspired the shit out of me when I first read them, and continue to do so every time I pick them up. If you're all out of resources or people to turn to for support, try this. See if it doesn't help.

We only have so much space in our lives, in our homes, our hearts and our brain. If we fill that space with meaningless knickknacks, subpar friends, and negative thoughts . . . we don't have room for anything else.

So clear that unproductive clutter out. And open yourself up to bigger and better things. It won't happen until you make room, so get on it. And let in only the people and things that propel you toward a happier and more inspirational life, because that's what you deserve.

Let everything else go.

Partner Love

Over the last few years, I've received countless letters, read hundreds of comments, and listened to many, many, many women (and men) speak about their fear that they might never find love . . . all because of their bodies.

It's heartbreaking to hear, but god, how I get it. I've totally been there too.

I know that hopelessness. The resignation to a life without. I know the things you tell yourself to make it seem not so bad. The blind eye you turn to the happiness around you because it's too painful to watch. I know the promises you make to yourself—promises that you'll change your body so you can
become
lovable. I know the anger that then rises up because, WAIT A MINUTE!
I shouldn't have to change my body to be loved!
But that realization is quickly overshadowed by a lifetime of shame that comes sweeping back, and you once again buy the lie that you must change “for the better.” You believe, deep down, that to be desirable you must fix yourself. I know this exhausting tug-of-war
between wanting to be loved as you are but also just wanting to be loved by anyone at all. It fucking sucks.

But,
while on this body acceptance journey, I've learned many many
many
wonderful truths, and there is one in particular that has changed every facet of my life. It goes against everything we've been told (and I kind of already gave it away), but it's still as true as ever.
Fat girls find love too.

They find the whole-mother-fucking-package kind of love. The no-holds-barred, every-inch-of-you-is-perfect, kisses-on-what-you-thought-was-un-kissable, lifetime-of-yesses, lusting, loving, dedicated-for-life kind of love. It happens. Often, and everywhere.

You might wonder why this section of the “love chapter” is a million miles long. “HEY JES aren't community and self-love important too?” Well, hell yeah! Just as much, if not more so! But if there is one thing that I have really struggled with feeling unworthy of, been told I'll never find . . . it's partner love.

When all we want as humans is to feel loved, be seen, and have a partner (or five or ten) to spend our time with . . . and then we're told we'll never have it simply because of our bodies? Well, to set that bullshit straight is gonna take me more than a few pages to refute.

Now, I've been in terrible, horrible, no good, very bad relationships . . . just like everyone else. You know the kind. The relationships that end with you on the couch dangerously bargaining with yourself, trying to convince god-knows-who that you'll make it right.
It will be fine if I lose weight. If I make changes he/she/they will stay. Those changes are worth a relationship, right? I'll just get skinnier . . . they'll stay and everything will be better.
You sit on that couch thinking you can strike a deal with the Weight Loss Devil and that it will somehow save your relationship, even though there were countless other red flags along the way. These red flags ran much deeper than your looks (and you most likely knew a long time ago that it wouldn't work out with this person), but in this moment you have decided that the inevitable failure has everything to do with your body. Because, yes, a lot of us find ourselves with toxic individuals (OMG, especially me—the
doozies
I've stayed with FOR YEARS), believing that emotional abuse or detachment is just part of the package. That we are lucky to have someone at all. That this was as good as it could get. That we should be grateful for the companionship because who else could ever love our imperfect body? Have you been there? Fucking-A. Me too.