Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (12 page)

selfies aren't selfish: narcissism is good for you
selfies aren't selfish: narcissism is good for you

[ CHAPTER SIX ]
[ CHAPTER SIX ]

Y
ou heard me right. Selfies are not only
not
selfish, they're absolutely necessary. It's the truth, and I'm sticking by it.

At every lecture, I ask the audience who
hasn't
heard of Photoshop. I have yet to see someone raise their hand. We all know what it is, that it's prevalent (it's now a verb in the dictionary), and that the way it's used to “perfect” and alter bodies in photos is more or less (okay, it's more) bullshit. BUT STILL, our brain, as it walks by the magazines at the grocery store on the way to check out, doesn't always register this concept. Our conscious critique of realistic images isn't running at full speed, but the pictures and ads we see in passing do in fact affect us. Even if we don't know it.

Do me a favor. Google “celebrity photoshop.”

Did you find hundreds of images that show how distorted our concept of acceptable and realistic beauty truly is? Yeah, it's everywhere. If you didn't Google that just now, I'll go ahead and share
what you'll find: a “before” picture of Beyoncé, and an “after” one where her waist has been cinched, legs slimmed, and skin lightened. You'll find Madonna's “before” and then “after” with all her age lines removed, skin brightened, and cleavage increased. You can even find George Clooney (whom some consider the most handsome older gent in the land) with an “after” picture of him sans wrinkles, and with a thinner face. Even celebrity “street style” and performance photos are altered. Yet how often while in line at the grocery store do we take the time to think,
god, those cover models don't look anything like that in real life
, and if we do, do we understand the depth and breadth of the alterations? How often do we just subconsciously categorize the images as normal and representative of real life, when in actuality they don't exist anywhere? I think we all have some awareness of the visual lie, but I don't think we realize the extent and how much it affects our psyche. The cover models not only don't exist now; they never will.

I've watched countless smart and brilliant women buy into the digitally altered version of people and make matching that look their most important goal. The “inspiration” surrounding us goes far beyond ridiculous and unattainable. Tina Fey captures the absurdity of it:

Now every girl is expected to have:

       
•
  
Caucasian blue eyes

       
•
  
full Spanish lips

       
•
  
a classic button nose

       
•
  
hairless Asian skin with a California tan

       
•
  
a Jamaican dance hall ass

       
•
  
long Swedish legs

       
•
  
small Japanese feet

       
•
  
the abs of a lesbian gym owner

       
•
  
the hips of a nine-year-old boy

       
•
  
the arms of Michelle Obama

       
•
  
and doll tits.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
¹

This is why we are all struggling.

And just so you know, Kim Kardashian has cellulite, and though I haven't chatted with her lately, I'm sure she has her own insecurities just like everyone else. Because NO ONE is “perfect” in the eyes of society's standards. Not even her.

But fortunately, we have options. In order to address this outrageous issue, we can and must:
(1) Consciously (and repeatedly) acknowledge that photo editing software is heavily relied upon to alter the images we see in media
and
(2) counter the prevalence of digital alteration by taking authentic (read: unaltered) images of ourselves
. I'm totally talking about selfies, y'all.

Because the average American sees nearly three thousand advertisements and hundreds of images a day (that more than likely don't include what they see in the mirror), WE MUST counter this with our own alternatives; we must balance out the bullshit with reality.
²
We must create a safe space for ourselves and our bodies to exist.

Selfies and self-portraits have been a powerful tool for me since the beginning of my fat acceptance days. When I first started blogging about body image, I joined in on a challenge put forth by Rachele of
The Nearsighted Owl
called “I Am Proud of My Size.” The goal was for bloggers to take full-body pictures of themselves and post them unapologetically . . . with their sizes listed. At the time, this was the ultimate step outside my comfort zone.

Always enthralled with a challenge, I posted images weekly, bolstered by the support of other bloggers who participated. As time progressed, I started to learn a lot about my relationship with my body.
How it really looked to the world, how that felt, and the fact that I only felt comfortable presenting it in poses that I deemed “flattering.” It was a pretty limited repertoire, and mostly consisted of a hand on my hip with my stomach sucked in and my double chin hidden. Some called it a “teacup”; I called it flattering.

In the beginning, it felt reckless to post even these posed images . . . I was daring to document ALL of me, and that was radical. But as I shared these images more and more, I noticed that no one was blinded, traumatized, or offended. No one died. No one stabbed their eyes out, and in fact, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the feedback was occasionally positive and complimentary. It seems obvious, right? But it was new to me after being SO conditioned to hate myself. I honest to god didn't think that would be the outcome.

Emboldened, I wrote a post where I broke up with Flattering. The letter went like this:

Dear Flattering,

I'm so over you.

Because of you, I only take certain pictures with certain poses with certain outfits. You're (pretty much) kinda boring. So, it's over. Maybe we can get together again in the future . . .

if you're lucky.

Till then,

Jes

I then proceeded to take jumping pictures (because apparently that's what we bloggers do), the likes of which include some of the most “unflattering” faces I've ever made. It was motherfucking liberating, guys. And ever since then, I've continued to widen my pose options, much to my personal delight.

The
Oxford Dictionary
defines “selfie” as “a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and shared via social media.”
³

When I read this, I was highly entertained by the sample sentence that followed: “Occasional selfies are acceptable, but posting a new picture of yourself everyday isn't necessary.” This villainizing of self-portraits, my friends, is EXACTLY why taking selfies is so important.

I had the enormous pleasure of talking with Vivienne McMasters, who in real life is the Selfie Championess. She owns and runs “Be Your Own Beloved,” an empowerment technique and curriculum in which you learn to “[cultivate] self-love through self-portraiture.” In other words, you learn to love yourself through selfies.

During our chat (when I wasn't distracted by her amazing Vancouver accent), we talked about her mission to bring women closer to themselves through the act of capturing themselves on camera. She mentioned that one of the first questions she's asked when teaching selfie workshops is, “How are they NOT selfish?” It seems so vain to us, right? We're shamed into thinking that any exploration of our physical self is narcissistic and egocentric.

Oh, this is not the case at all.

Vivienne explained that she started taking self-portraits as a way of giving herself space and to reconnect with herself. What ended up happening was that the second she set the camera timer, the negative body voices were quieted, and she felt like for the first time she got to define how she saw herself. To her, it felt beautiful.

It's hard to explain to others, and hard for them to believe that if they try taking photos of themselves—which is totally scary for a lot of people—that they might find that feeling of self-empowerment because they get to define how they see themselves. You can definitely find proof that your body is beautiful and fabulous and that it's more incredible than you ever thought you could see in a photo. You'll have the chance to see yourself in a really authentic way reflected. I feel like it not only helps people visually see themselves in a different light, but it also helps reconnect us. And that is certainly not selfish.

Taking selfies, Vivienne explained, gives us the opportunity to create our own narratives, to tell our own stories. In her lectures, she talks about articles she often sees online saying selfies are “dangerous,” and that taking and posting selfies is an addiction. One article describes how to stop taking self-portraits, comparing it to weaning yourself off other harmful addictions like cocaine or alcohol.

I suppose there could be a bit of danger in taking unaltered selfies: the danger that it challenges everything you've ever been taught, like:
Loathe your body. Take up as little space as possible. Be self-effacing and humble.
A perfect combination of sexism and body hate is the real reason selfies are mocked by those who have their own insecurities and who give zero shits about us and a million shits about a market growing richer by the day by promoting self–loathing. I'm only gonna say this once: Fuck the system; take some selfies.

Okay, fine, I'll say it again.
Fuck the system; take some selfies.

I feel like that would make a great hashtag.

The list of “Things That Exist Everywhere in the Real World but Are Airbrushed Out of Every Magazine Spread” is a mile long, but I'll start with this short list of
five things that are often photoshopped out that I want to see more of: cellulite, diversity of races and shades, post-birth bodies, wrinkle lines, and non-hourglass plus-sized women.

It sounds like I'm shooting for the moon, right? That's because I am.

Cellulite
. Almost all women have it (close to 90 percent, in fact), but guess what? As normal as it is, in 2012 alone we spent nearly $8 million on clinical cellulite treatment.
⁴
The home-based anti-cellulite industry rakes in another estimated $62 million after convincing us that our “orange-peel,” “cottage-cheese,” and “hail-damaged” skin is not only a visual abomination but proof of our lack of self-control.

If only we exercised more and ate better!

Nope. Not it.

Although it's treated as a flaw, cellulite is simply a fat storage situation. The Mayo Clinic explains: “Cellulite is caused by fibrous
connective cords that tether the skin to the underlying muscle, with the fat lying between. As fat cells accumulate, they push up against the skin, while the long, tough cords pull down. This creates an uneven surface or dimpling.”
⁵

In short, fat women have cellulite, skinny women have cellulite, famous people have cellulite, ballerinas have cellulite, personal trainers have cellulite, models have cellulite, runners have cellulite, women who still live in indigenous, hunter-gatherer communities have cellulite, and women who have had plastic surgery (there's no “permanent cure”) have cellulite. If you were to fill a room with women of all shapes and sizes, most of those women would have cellulite. Because it's totally and completely normal.