Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (11 page)

Me:

I hate being fat.

I hate everything about it.

I hate how hard it makes daily living

and how many mental barriers I have to fight through just to

do what others do.

And I hate having to justify everything to myself because I feel

like I owe the world to lose weight

or at least try and lose weight or eat differently and lose weight

. . . or something.

It's just really hard and sounds crazy but it's so common for me.

THIS IS ALL OF THE HARDS.

Friend:

I get it.

I totally get it.

Body issues are all of the shit and IT IS ALL OF THE HARDS.

But do yourself a favor, okay? Don't do it for the weight loss.

Just
go for the orgasms.

So, “for the orgasms” I went. The night turned into a spiritual experience, one that really altered my perspective. Jade is incredible in person. Her infectious energy reminded me that it's important to love others, and even more important, to love yourself. And you should see her shake that incredible booty on the dance floor. God. Damn. And I would estimate that I doubled my friend's record of twelve orgasms in a night. It was. Amazing.

I had to force myself to put on my dance pants
while
I was talking to my friend so I wouldn't back out at the last second. I then turned
my brain off and focused solely on my promise to just show up for the warm-up, but I of course stayed for the entire thing. I allowed myself to make mistakes, friends, and a fool out of myself. I wasn't worried about the steps, for the most part, because I had triumphed over my biggest insecurity just by being there.

Now, today, I think back on those Facebook messages without any trace of that emotion. It's hard for me to understand how something as simple as going to a movement class could shake my world so much that I would lose my ability to function. But it did. And it was real. And that sort of freakout is so common.

So often, we fat ladies feel the social pressure to “better ourselves” by losing weight, but then feel ostracized in a workout setting. We feel obligated to join The Perfect Body Factory (okay, maybe you call it a gym), but once there, we feel out of place and pushed into a competition we've failed at before even setting foot inside. It's a mindfuck, and scares a lot of us shitless. The act of combining a fat body and exercise can resurrect a lifetime of shame. One of the most powerful kinds of shame in the world.

I was convinced I would fail that night. I would have bet everything I had in my bank account on it. But I DIDN'T FAIL! I finished the entire class and loved every single minute of it. There was one arm move that confused the shit out of me that I couldn't get down, but that wasn't because of my weight. It was because my brain was like, “WHATTHEFUCK, COUNTING ON OFF-BEATS IS HARD.” Sweat was never so rewarding, and I had a lot of it. Well, we all did. I am lucky to be able to see my “before” and “after” emotions and realize that none of this is about obligation, weight loss, or skill sets.

It's about feeling good.

And feeling good is
not
exclusive. Endorphins are not just for those who have perfectly toned bodies. I am allowed to move my body in any way I like and not apologize for the way it looks while doing so. I don't have to be perfect, and I don't have to go for the purpose of changing my body. I can go because I want to. Because I like to work the machine I live in. Because I want to feel amazing. Because I deserve to feel amazing.

My advice to every woman who wants to participate in a cycling, aerobics, yoga, Jazzercise, Pilates, swimming, dance, or Zumba class but is scared to try?

Don't go for the weight loss.

Go for the orgasms.

Another way to approach physical movement for fat bodies is with the idea that maybe we fatties need it even more than others. No, NOT because we need to become un-fat, or because we should exercise more than others as a form of repentance, but rather because of self-hatred, which can distance us from our bodies. When body hatred abounds, our relationship with our outside suffers. As Hanne Blank, in her amazing book,
The Unapologetic Fat Girl's Guide to Exercise and Other Incendiary Acts
, says, movement can be used as the tool that helps us connect with all of us again. Movement can rebuild our relationship with our wonderful fat bodies. I absolutely love this concept. We deserve to feel whole, connected, and at home within our skin as well.

When it comes to exercise and fitness, I want to make sure that I'm clear: There are some people out there who have found immense joy in these two things. It's their hobby, their love, and the center of their life. This is
good
. It makes them happy, and I'm happy that they're happy. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! But you do not need to make fitness and exercise the focal point of your life if you don't want to. It doesn't make you a failure. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't decrease your worth. It makes you a person who is awesome enough to choose what's important to you.

At the time of print, the HAES website was being updated to include a final concept
:

3. Critical Awareness

A. challenges scientific and cultural assumptions and B. values body knowledge and people's lived experiences.
I love the addition of these key ideas and can vouch for their importance as we covered both in this book previously. In order to fully connect with our bodies and treat them with compassion we
must
allow ourselves to question the status quo (however counterintuitive that may seem) and acknowledge that we are unique beings with personal histories and understandings that influence the way we exist within this world. FUCK YEAH, HAES!

“Okay, but Jeeeeees, you're avoiding the question everyone asks! Aren't there fat people who don't have a ‘clean bill of health'?” SURE! There are fat bodies with high blood pressure and cholesterol and diabetes (there are thin bodies who have all of those things too, but the world forgets that part). This is going to be shocking to some, but here's what I think about “unhealthy” bodies (of all shapes and sizes): They are just as wonderful, perfect and deserving of self-love as all other bodies.

You heard me.

We all deserve the same amount of opportunity, respect, health care, education, life, love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness regardless of our size, shade, shape, sex, gender, level of ability, and health records.

You can quote me on that.

So my point? Regardless of your health and body size, know that you are worthy of body love.

Yes, people love to ask if I'm glorifying obesity by promoting body love.

To that I say: It's so so SO much bigger than that question, but if you're
really
concerned about
health
, you'll ignore the largely irrelevant factor of weight and focus on more significant issues like making sure people can afford nutritious food and have access to education that allows them to provide for their families. You might also focus on providing unbiased health care, and helping to destigmatize mental illness so people can find resources and feel supported, which then allows for physically healthy lives. (Surprise! Mean people generally don't like that answer.)

But REGARDLESS (yes, regardless) of health: I believe in glorifying
all bodies
. All of them. Because every single person in the entire world deserves to feel good about and love themselves. It's that simple. Fat and thin, healthy and unhealthy.

So y'know what else I glorify?

I glorify HAPPINESS.

Simply put:
glorifying happiness = being invested in the belief that
everyone
deserves to love their bodies.

It seems like such an elementary concept, yet somehow it's one of the world's most controversial. So what about you? Do you believe that everyone deserves a chance to love their bodies? Do you believe that everyone deserves a chance to be happy no matter their size or shape?

You do?!?!? Well, I do, too. WE SHOULD PROBABLY BECOME FRIENDS.

And after we become friends, I'm going to point out that
I just tricked you into saying that YOU deserve to love YOUR body no matter what it looks like
. ZING. I gotcha. You're part of everyone, my love, and if I deserve to love my body, and she deserves to love her body, and he deserves to love his body, and they deserve to love their body . . . then that means you deserve to love your body, too. No matter your shape, size, shade, sex, or age, YOU deserve to be glorified. You deserve that happiness, too.

guest essay
guest essay

GOOD HEALTH CARE COMES WITH SELF-ADVOCACY

JEN MCLELLAN OF PLUS SIZE BIRTH

H
ealth care may not be the sexiest topic, but it sure is an important one.

Oftentimes care providers come with their own biases, but you might forget this . . . that is, until you're sitting half-dressed in your doctor's office being shamed because of your weight.

Studies show that when patients are shamed by their health care provider they are less likely to get routine medical care and more likely to gain weight.
¹
It's time we stop hoping our care providers will treat us with dignity and start expecting it! After all, these people work for us, and we pay them our hard-earned money for their medical expertise.

One of the best ways to advocate for your health care is to hire a size-friendly provider. This is a medical professional who practices evidence-based, compassionate care. He or she is a provider who doesn't just equate good health with a low number on the Body Mass Index (BMI) chart.

How do you find a size-friendly health care provider? The best place to start is by reaching out to your friends of all sizes, but especially your fat friends. Do they have a doctor they like? If the answer is yes, write down that provider's contact information. You can also ask your coworkers, because they usually have the same insurance provider you do. Aside from talking to people you know, there are a few
websites that have lists of size-friendly providers, including
haescommunity.org
,
plussizebirth.com
, and
fatfriendlydocs.com

The midwifery model of health care is often overlooked because people assume midwives only work with pregnant women, but this isn't the case! Midwives often practice woman-centered care and look at your whole health history, not just a particular diagnosis you've received. They also tend to be more size friendly, so consider hiring a midwife for your well-woman appointments.

Once you have a few referrals it's time to Google any prospective care providers. Yes, just like you'd scope out a potential date! Do a little research to see if any red flags pop up, like horrendous reviews. On the flip side, you might find a lot of positive information that could actually make you excited to set up a doctor's appointment.

Use the initial Google investigation to narrow down your list. Next, call care providers' offices and speak to the front office staff—the gatekeepers. You'll want to ask some questions to pare down your list even further. Does their office see people of all sizes? Do they have larger gowns? What about different-sized blood pressure cuffs? If they don't have large blood pressure cuffs, that should be a deal breaker. An inaccurate reading can label you as having high blood pressure and lead to an unnecessary and potentially harmful prescription. This happens more often than you'd believe.

It's unlikely you can get a phone or in-person interview with the care provider you are considering, but it doesn't hurt to ask. What you can do is drop by your selected doctor's office in person. That way you can make some observations and perhaps get a few minutes of their time.

Speaking of observations, that's your next task. Once you arrive at your new or current doctor's office, you'll want to take note of the waiting room. Do all of the chairs have arms or is there a place for you to sit comfortably? Review the brochures in the waiting room, posters, and other promotional materials. How body positive is the environment?

Once you're called back to see the nurse, it's time to start
advocating for yourself. Make sure they use that large blood pressure cuff if you need it. If you would prefer not to be weighed you will most likely be met with pushback, but stick up for yourself. You have the right to refuse any medical test you're uncomfortable with. Though if you're working with a size-friendly provider, weight is just one of many measurements they will look at. Speaking of weight, what does the scale go up to?

Going to the doctor can make some people incredibly anxious (talk about cause for a high blood-pressure reading). If you're one of those people, you don't need to do this alone. Bring along a partner, family member, or close friend.

Now it's time to see your care provider, ask questions, and make more observations. When it feels like the right time to ask questions, take a deep breath and try to relax the best you can (here's where some eye contact with a support person can be really beneficial). You want to open up an honest line of communication, so make an effort not to come across as defensive. Writing down your questions in advance can be really helpful.

Ask anything that's important to you. There are no silly questions when it comes to your health care! Here are a few suggestions: How importantly do you view weight? I'm concerned you may focus on my weight instead of my overall health. What other ways, aside from weight, can we measure improvement (for example, blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and other tests)? Do you know about Health at Every Size (HAES)? If not, I'd like to talk with you about it.

While you're asking questions do some more observations. Is your care provider watching the clock and making you feel rushed, or is he or she listening to and addressing your concerns? Did the provider relate all of your medical concerns to your weight, or look at the big picture of your overall health? Talking about diet and exercise isn't inherently stigmatizing, but you'll want to listen to the way they discuss them. Remember, it is okay to disagree with your doctor as long as you're both part of a team and can be honest with each other.

Finally, you'll want to trust your gut when deciding if your care provider is size friendly or not. After you leave the provider's office, how do you feel? Look over the answers to all of the questions you asked and review the observations you made. You should know fairly quickly whether this provider is a good fit for you. Please note that you have the right to refuse any medical intervention, get a second opinion, or fire your care provider at any time. You owe it to yourself to prioritize your health and connect with a care provider who treats you with compassion.