This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (15 page)

Q:
How do I talk to my child about safe sex?

I never learned how to have safe sex. I am sure that I had a few health classes that talked about condoms and rattled off a lot of facts about scary diseases I might get if I did the wrong thing with the wrong person—but no one ever mentioned what to do if I wasn’t having sex with a boy. I didn’t know if I was supposed to protect myself and, if I was, I had never heard of any ways in which I could do so. My parents
didn’t know that I was gay until after I was sexually active, and I don’t think they ever even considered talking to me about having safe “gay” sex. My mom didn’t want me to be gay in the first place, so she certainly wasn’t going to be a source of information. I was lucky enough to get through those before-I-knew years unscathed, but I would have definitely made different, more informed decisions had I known anything about protecting myself
.

—
Kristin

A:
Many parents are nervous about talking to their children about
any
kind of sex and also operate under the misconception that by avoiding the topic entirely, their child will simply not have sex with anyone. Kids have sex. Even when forbidden from doing so, kids have sex. When given the tools to understand sex, what it means, how it works, and how to practice it responsibly, they are much safer and more prepared to make important decisions than they would be if they were operating blindly.

The majority of middle and high schools are not equipped to handle the logistics or the precautions that are necessary for your child to become and remain informed and safe—especially when it comes to sex that isn’t heterosexual. What’s more, many teens name their parents as their resource for information on practicing safe sex. You are wise to inform yourself so
you
can be the one who discusses these issues with your kid. What you say, and how you say it, is endlessly important.

The way you approach talking about safe sex will depend entirely on your own comfort level and your relationship with your kid. If talking about sex comes easily to you, then your child may also be comfortable discussing such topics—in which case, you can skip on ahead to Safe Sex 101 on
page 122
and chat away! Perhaps, though, despite your own ease discussing sexual activity, your child is uncomfortable—or maybe you are both a little uneasy around the topic. If this is the case, it is entirely reasonable to rely on the old adage, “Know your audience.”

Oluremi, who is eighteen and out to both of her parents, said her mother took a different route than most when approaching safe sex. “Luckily, my mom understood that I wasn’t really one for talking, but knew I would read anything put in front of me,” she said. Oluremi’s mom communicated most of her thoughts on safe sex with her daughter through e-mail, which she knew would make the exchange of information easier. The “sex talk” doesn’t—and most likely shouldn’t—have to be one long conversation held at the dinner table. It can be something that evolves over time, perhaps in a letter or over the course of several smaller discussions. Prepare yourself with the information that you will need, and communicate in the way that you think will bring the highest level of comfort to both you and your child.

According to Dr. Justine Shuey, a globally recognized sex expert, the earlier you start talking to your kids, the easier things will be for you later in the game. “The most important thing you
can accomplish is to become an askable parent,” she says. This does not mean you have to have all of the answers, or that you need to be comfortable talking to your child about everything (or telling them what
you
do sexually), but that you are approachable and open to questions. If you don’t know an answer, research it together. Share reliable, medically and factually accurate sources with your child. Help them find the answers. “When I teach educators, I teach them to first say ‘Good question,’ ” Shuey explains. “That is your moment to think about your answer before you laugh or blurt out something silly or negative.” She urges parents to respond positively to their kid’s questions so they can continue to be approachable. If you don’t know the answer, aren’t comfortable, or are unsure if the answer is correct, she suggests saying, “I don’t know, but I can find out for you” or “I don’t know, but this is where you can find that answer.”

Some facts provided by Dr. Shuey are collected into Safe Sex 101 on the following pages. They won’t answer every question your child might have, but they will give you an excellent start to understanding more about addressing safe sex that is not just heterosexual.

Q:
Should I be concerned about sexually transmitted infections like AIDS?

A:
You should be concerned about STIs, including HIV and AIDS, just as you would be if your child were not gay. The main cause for elevated concern is the lack of proper safe-sex education many LGBTQ youth receive in schools. While heterosexual youth are sometimes afforded health education that includes extremely vital safe-sex practices, LGBTQ youth are often overlooked entirely in such lessons. However, since no two health education classes are the same, and some overlook safe-sex practices for
all
individuals, your concern about your child’s safety—regardless of their sexuality—is valid. But that doesn’t mean your gay kid is in grave danger of contracting an STI; it means you should help educate them so that they can remain safe and protected.

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, the world saw an outbreak of the AIDS virus for the very first time. As it was a new disease, people were uneducated about how it was transmitted, doctors were unsure of how to properly test for and treat patients, and thousands of people—many gay men among them—died within a very short span of time. The public was led to believe that the death and devastation happening within the gay community was linked to prevailing assumptions about promiscuity within this community. These were unfounded, and untrue, assumptions. As we discussed in a previous question, promiscuity is not something that is linked with a person’s sexuality. AIDS, just like any other STI, is an infection that can affect any person who does not know how to engage in safe-sex practices. It’s best to educate your child about STIs, no matter how they identify. As your kid becomes sexually active, it is critical that they understand the risks involved and the ways in which they can protect themselves. Because LGBTQ youth receive less instruction on these matters in school settings, it
falls much more to you, the parent, to provide them with the tools they need to make safe and informed decisions. Refer to Safe Sex 101 (
page 122
) to help you initiate this conversation, and also look to the Resources on
page 236
for further information.