This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (13 page)

If you are asking this question simply because you are confused about bisexuality and what, exactly, it means, be aware that it means different things to different people. Some of us like only one gender, some of us like many genders, and some of us fluctuate in our attractions over the course of our lives. Bisexuality, at its root, implies being attracted to men and women. As we will discuss in more detail in
chapter 7
, however, there are gender identities that fall outside of “man” and “woman.” The term
pansexual
, closely linked with bisexual, describes an individual who is attracted to men, women, and individuals of different gender identities—or those who choose not to identify with any gender at all. It is important to note that liking more than one gender doesn’t change based on the person or people we date—bisexuality (and pansexuality), for many, just means that gender isn’t an element that determines attraction.

You may have come to this question because you are hoping that your child has a higher chance of pairing with someone of a gender different from their own. The real question to pose to yourself, though, is
why
you are hoping for this in the first place, and how
this line of thinking may affect your kid. Perhaps you are worried about their safety, or are having a hard time envisioning their future in this light; maybe you have concerns that align with religious or political beliefs. These are all valid issues and are addressed in further detail in the following chapters. Your concerns, though, should be expressed and discussed with attention to specifics, and not simply delivered in a blanket statement of “I’d rather you were straight,” or “If you like boys and girls, why can’t you just make this easier on all of us?” Those kinds of statements can be very hurtful.

Just like any other person, your kid does not have control over their feelings or attractions. If they have come out to you as bisexual, this means that they are feeling those attractions toward more than just one gender. That cannot be swept under the rug. When feelings are hidden away from view, they grow stronger and stronger until they reappear. Asking your child to choose, or suggesting that they
should
choose, will likely only result in making them feel guilty, angry, and isolated.

Rather than trying to redirect their attractions in a way that will make
you
feel better, engage with them so that you can better understand what they have communicated with you. If your child enters into a “straight” relationship, do not ask them if that means they are no longer bisexual. Identity is a complicated thing, and making them feel that whom they date erases a part of that identity will make them feel self-conscious and misunderstood. Frame your questions around wanting to better understand your child, rather than asking them questions that you hope will be answered in a
particular way. You can say to your son, “I am working really hard to understand this part of you so that I can be the best parent possible. I think that the more I understand, the easier this will be on both of us, and I want you to know that even though this is a process for me, I love you every single step of the way.” Those words express your true feelings and confusions but also include the fact that you are both working together and that you share a common goal of wanting to better understand each other.

Q:
Will my child always be viewed differently? I worry that they will face discrimination.

My father never had any religious, political, or moral issues with my sexuality. He did, however, talk to me about wanting me to be happy, and his fear that I would perhaps walk a harder path. When we first had that conversation, I was only seventeen and I didn’t understand how discrimination would ever impact me, personally. I had surrounded myself with open-minded friends and planned to move to New York City, where, in my mind, this discrimination simply didn’t occur. As you might imagine, I was wrong. Holding my girlfriend’s hand would generally cause extended stares from passersby, I was catcalled more than once for kissing a girl in public, and I slowly became aware of the fact that, in a lot of places, I wouldn’t be afforded certain basic human rights such as the right to marry. Those experiences taught (and continue to teach) me two things. First, that my dad was right: when something sets you apart from what others expect, things can be harder. Second, that those experiences were shaping me in ways I could have never imagined. Yes,
I was upset by certain occurrences, and I still feel frustrated in moments when I know that I am being viewed as “different.” However, those experiences also brought to light things that made me question the world around me in very useful ways; I learned to challenge ideas and stereotypes and to get to know other people on much deeper, more nuanced levels. I feel like, though the path may be more difficult in certain ways, it is also much more enlightening
.

—
Kristin

A:
When it comes to being viewed as “different,” our brains tend to focus on the negative. You don’t want your child to feel that they are less important, less valued, or less
anything
than another person because of the way that others may treat them. You want to ensure that your kid has equal access to anything and everything they might seek, regardless of sexuality. We would love to be able to tell you not to worry, and that your child will be able to navigate the ins and outs of growing up gay without ever having to feel like an outsider, without ever having to fight for basic human rights, and without ever having to worry about speaking openly and honestly about their identity. However, those statements are likely untrue. As a planet, we are on a positive trajectory toward change that will allow your child to live in a more equal world than was once possible. Within a general population, though, there will always be others who treat us differently based on many factors. Most of us grow up in very monochromatic environments, and we are led to expect the rest of the world will look just the same.

You have likely had at least one experience that caused others to view you as “different,” regardless of your sexuality; many of us have these experiences in some form on a regular basis. If you are a woman, you will likely recall moments throughout your life when others (generally with nothing but good intentions!) offered to carry a heavy box for you or “helped” you parallel park. This is only one example of how our identities inform the opinions of others. It is possible that your kid has already faced some form of discrimination in their lifetime, even if it wasn’t directly applicable to being gay. As a parent, you want your children to be safe from hatred, and you also want them to live in a world where they will have equal rights. These are valid concerns.

Some of your worries won’t immediately resonate with your child. It can be exceptionally hard for them to imagine how tax or adoption laws will affect them when they are figuring out how to navigate the prom and study for a history exam. It won’t be helpful to barrage your child with a long list of items that you are thinking about when it comes to their future, or to attempt to get their concerns aligned with your own. Begin by addressing these concerns for yourself. Simply shrugging off your worries as something that you will deal with “later” or “when the time comes” doesn’t often work—and can lead to a lot of sleepless nights where you toss and turn thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead.

Try to look at your concerns regarding discrimination in two lights: social and legal. Social discrimination refers to those moments when your child is stared at or made to feel different or
inadequate in public settings. This is the kind of discrimination that targets them emotionally or physically—that might put them in danger or make them feel they have to hide a part of themselves to remain safe or not judged. Legal discrimination refers to instances when they might be denied a job, housing, or other basic human rights because of their sexuality.

With regard to social discrimination, having general conversations with your child about their experience is a great way to gauge how they are feeling and what they have faced in their own community. Those topics make a great bridge toward explaining that you sometimes worry that they will have a harder life, and that these worries are occasionally hard for you to manage. They should know that you have feelings surrounding their happiness and safety, and even if they aren’t able to understand them all at this point in time, they will understand that you support them and want them to be happy. Rather than telling them to be “safe,” suggest that they remain aware of the environment around them. Ask them when they feel safest and which places make them uncomfortable. Talk to them about how you might have handled a situation in which someone said something hurtful, or when your behavior or appearance resulted in long stares from others. There is no “right” way to respond to these moments, but talking about the possibilities will help your child feel more equipped if they are faced with those situations. The thing that is most important when it comes to experiencing hurtful words or stares is having strength and peace within ourselves. The more confident and secure your child is able to feel
with their own identity, the easier it becomes for them to handle these situations. Encourage them to talk to you, and make sure that they know you are always willing to listen and to help in any way you can if they are feeling unsafe or judged in the larger community.

When it comes to legal discrimination, knowledge is power. LGBTQ rights are changing at a pace that is often hard to keep up with, but there are newsfeeds, social media outlets, and other resources that exist solely to keep people up to date on the ever-changing landscape. Look into the laws in your own state regarding employment discrimination, marriage, adoption, and health care. Antidiscrimination policies are crucial in protecting our rights, and looking at the policies at your own place of employment is a great way to start learning about these intricacies. It is not enough for a school or workplace policy to issue protection from general discrimination. Using specific and inclusive language in the policies is vital. These policies should include words such as
sexuality, gender, religion, race, gender identity
, and
disability
. We have devoted an entire section of our Resources on
page 229
to combating legal discrimination and helping you remain informed on the changing laws in our world. Use these resources to inform yourself, and share specific facts with your kid as you begin to learn more about the LGBTQ legal landscape. Even if your child doesn’t take in all of the information, knowing some details about what is happening in the world around them will often spark their interest in learning more, and their knowledge on these issues is key in helping them as they grow up.