This Is Falling (36 page)

I nod to a few of the guys, then take the
cage at the end, flipping the switch and watching a few of the
pitches go by before I step in and swing.
Crack!
The first
one stings. I’m hitting like shit, not concentrating. I’m hitting
angrily. I step back and watch two more go by and take a deep
breath before stepping up to the plate again. I line the next four
balls, some of the hardest swings of my life, and then completely
miss the fifth. This isn’t working. I don’t know why I thought it
would. I shut the machine back to
off
, kick the balls to the
end of the cage, and flip my bat to the ground.

Pacing doesn’t get me anywhere either, and
after a few long breaths with my hands clasped behind my head, I
clean up my failed batting session and return to the locker room.
When my phone buzzes, I almost drop it in my rush to get it out of
my pocket; my heart goes from feeling high to the pit of my stomach
in a fraction of a second because the message is from Ty.

Ty:
Dinner. Sally’s. Cass is
buying.

Me:
OK. Be there in 20.

I slam the locker shut, and pushing my lock
back in, I nod to one of the guys walking in as I leave. I almost
wish I never met her. But that’s a lie…because even those few
weeks, months, were worth it all. I’m approaching Sally’s when my
phone buzzes again, and I pull it out to tell Ty I’m there, when I
stop cold. It’s her.
Yes.
That’s all she says.
Yes.
She’s taking her finals. She’s not fully gone. She isn’t
quitting—at least not completely. She will be here—in our
building—for at least one day. My girl isn’t gone. And she hasn’t
completely shut me out. Three letters, the three greatest letters
ever. That’s all I needed.

Chapter
30

Rowe

The hallway is empty. Most of the rooms are
locked up, the students already gone for the holidays. My mom
called my advisor and was able to get all of my finals pushed to
the last two days in my professors’ offices. It wasn’t going to be
easy, but I was pretty prepared before I decided to change my plans
mid-Thanksgiving break. For one, all I needed to do was turn in a
paper, so I wasn’t too stressed.

Cass is still here. I ended up calling her to
let her know I was coming, and she said she had a final at the very
last possible time slot, so she would be here too. I was glad—I
didn’t want to stay here alone.

Nate’s room looks dark though. I didn’t
message him again after the first time. I just didn’t know what to
say. The way I left his parents house…I was embarrassed. But I also
was still so angry about everything. Whenever I thought about the
times he and I were together, all the times he
knew,
I just
got madder.

“Yayyyyyyyyy!” Cass is jumping on her bed
when I unlock the door and pull my small bag in with me.

“Uh…yeah. Yay,” I say, tossing my keys on my
bed and dropping my bag to the floor.

“I saw you walking up out the window. I knew
you were coming. I haven’t really been jumping this whole time.
That would be weird,” she says, jumping down to the floor. The room
smells like nail polish, and she’s wearing cotton in between her
toes.

“Pedicure?” I ask, gesturing to her feet.

“Oh,” she pulls her toes up in a curl away
from the floor. “Yeah, I forgot. You like?”

She walks closer to me and wiggles them; I
realize she has them painted like snowflakes. It makes me
smile.

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

“I can do yours. You want?” She holds up a
bottle of dark blue polish, but I just shake my head
no,
and
she places the bottle on top of her dresser. “Hungry? I waited, in
case you wanted to eat.”

My stomach grumbles at the mere mention of
food, so I shrug and pull my purse from my bag. Cass locks the door
behind me, and we walk to the elevator bank, my eyes zeroing in on
Nate and Ty’s door the entire time.

“They left. Had to go home yesterday,” she
says, brushing her arm into mine. “But he wanted to stay. I…thought
you should know that. He wanted to stay.”

All I can do is smile and nod. I don’t want
to talk about him. Not with Cass. But I also want to know how he
is, what he’s said about me, and what he thinks about everything I
said and did. We take the elevator down to the main floor and walk
to the cafeteria. The entire school is like a ghost town, and there
are maybe four or five other students in here.

“Is everyone gone?” I ask, looking at all of
the empty tables and chairs—so different from the last time I ate
here.

“Yeah, pretty much. Most people were done two
days ago, and they didn’t waste any time. Paige left already.
Bitch.”

I laugh when she says that, and she smiles at
me as we grab our trays and slide them along the counter. I pick
out a sandwich and an apple and then fill a glass with milk.
Nothing sounds appetizing, but I know I need to eat. My stomach is
empty, and if I want to do remotely well on my exams, I need
food.

Cass’s tray is loaded with junk food, and it
makes me laugh at the contrast between our two dinners. “Hunkering
down for winter?” I ask, raising my eyebrows as we walk to the
table in the corner. Cass doesn’t even ask; she knows where I like
to sit.

“Hey, I have been good all year. But my
language final is stressful. I’m stress eating,” she says, dropping
her tray and pushing the straw into her chocolate milk before
tearing open the package of small donuts with her teeth.

“You took sign language,” I say, just
blinking at her, and she stares back for a few seconds before
finally huffing.

“Yeah, and guess what? Turns out, it’s hard.
Like
really
hard. Like my fingers
this way
means
something totally different from my fingers
this way
,” she
says, contorting her hands into signs I don’t know, before pushing
an entire mini-donut in her mouth, a few crumbs falling down her
chin.

“What does this mean?” I say, holding up my
middle finger and doing my best to hold my grin in. It slips out in
seconds though.

“Yeah, fuck you too,” she says, throwing a
donut on my plate. I pick it up and eat it; she laughs lightly.

We both finish our dinners quickly, eating
silently, and then we make it back up to our room. I take a fast
shower and change into my pajamas. I pause when I walk out of the
shower room, lingering in the hallway and remembering the first
time we met. I feel a small pang that I’m not wearing Nate’s shirt,
and not sleeping with him in his room. Cass is already watching MTV
when I come back, so I snuggle under my blankets and do my best to
get lost in the show we’re watching. Some girl is yelling at a guy
about dating someone else for most of the show, and it all seems
ridiculous after too long, so I pull out my phone and send my
parents a text
goodnight.
I also sweep down to the list of
messages from Nate, and I go through every one of them.

“Have you talked to him yet?” Cass’s voice
surprises me, and I flip my phone off quickly and hide it from her
view.

“No,” I say, letting my eyes fall to the
floor while I lay my head flatly along my hands. “I don’t know what
to say. Everything is all…I don’t know…messy?” I look back up and
stare at her, and we both just sit in our locked gaze, cheeks
against our hands and eyes tired.

“Yeah. But—” she starts, but then pauses,
pushing her lips tightly.

“But what?”

Cass rolls to her back and holds her arms and
legs up in the air, then bends her knees and draws them into her
body, hugging them tightly before rolling back to face me. “It’s
not like he was trying to hurt you. I mean, I know, you probably
feel a little betrayed.”

“
Very
betrayed,” I butt in.

“Right. I know,” she continues. “But he was
sort of put in a really crappy position. And he’s been a
wreck.”

I know I shouldn’t be happy about that. But I
am. Not that he’s suffering, but happy that he’s feeling. I dreamt
about him last night. I dreamt that he showed up in the middle of
my final exam and pulled me from some strange office and lifted me
into his arms. And when I woke up, I was sad that it wasn’t real. I
want to forgive him. But I also want to yell at him. And I still
see Josh’s face in the middle of it all, and it makes everything
confusing.

“Hey, guess what?” Cass asks, her cheerful
voice a change.

“I don’t know…what?” I respond, leaning more
over the edge of the bed and letting my arm swing back and forth so
my fingers graze the carpet.

“I’m going to tell Ty I love him,” she says.
I freeze, then let the smile stretch my entire face. Hearing Cass
say that, especially after going home with Ty and seeing new sides
of him, makes me feel hopeful for a lot of reasons.

“Yeah?” I say, looking up at her. She’s
biting her lip and soon she starts kicking her legs excitedly, and
hiding her face in her pillow.

“Yeah. Can you believe it?” She’s still
hiding, but peeking at me with her eyes barely above the
pillow.

My smile softens, and I roll onto my back and
look at the ceiling, then nod slowly. “Yeah, I can.” I remember
talking to Ty, telling him how disappointed Cass was that he didn’t
invite her home for Thanksgiving, and I remember the look on his
face when I told him. He loves her, too. I just hope he’s ready to
admit it.

“I’m happy for you,” I say, keeping my eyes
focused on the ceiling so Cass doesn’t see my smile fade. I am
happy for her. But I miss Nate. And I’m jealous that she’s in her
honeymoon phase. Mine was cut short, just like every major
milestone in my stupid life. Problem is, as much as I miss Nate, I
also miss my box of Josh memories. And I’m not so sure there’s room
to miss them both.

My exams take most of the next day and the
full next morning. By the time I get back to our room, Cass has her
luggage packed, and she’s almost ready to walk out the door to head
to the airport.

“So, this is it, huh?” I ask, looking at her
and almost wanting to kidnap her and put her in my suitcase so she
can come home with me.

“Stop it. Don’t you dare get mushy on me.
We’re not criers!” She pulls me into a hug, and I giggle lightly,
doing my best to mask the tears also threatening to come. Because
truth of the matter is Cass and I
are
criers. We just don’t
want anyone to know.

“Have a happy Christmas!” I say, sitting back
on my bed while she pulls the straps of her bags up on her
shoulders.

“You, too. And I’ll see you…in a month,
right? You’re coming back?” I nod
yes
and offer a tight
smile, but my stomach twists because I’m not so sure. When I fly
back, I’ll be staying with my grandparents, where my parents are
staying through the holidays until they settle in at San Diego.
I’ve thought about transferring, that way I can live at home with
them. But that’s not really home either.

“Oh, and I have something for you,” she says,
pulling a folded envelope from her pocket and tossing it on my bed
next to me. “I’m leaving now, so I won’t get to see you get pissed
at me for sitting on that for two days. But I had very specific
instructions. And…well…I love Nate’s brother, so I sort of felt
like I owed him one. You know, by extension? Anyhow, whatever. Read
it. I did. Again, get pissed when I leave. Okay, love you.
Bye!”

She’s out the door with a barrel of noise and
activity, her bags hitting every wall on her way out and down the
hall. I hear the elevator ding, and when I know she’s gone, I turn
my face to look at the envelope, my heart pounding so heavily I’m
convinced if I looked down I could see it beating through my
sweatshirt.

Swallowing hard, I pick up the envelope,
which has clearly been torn open, and I can’t help but shake my
head and smirk at Cass’s confession. The need to know is so strong
that I don’t hesitate long, and I pull the folded sheets of
notebook paper out. It’s written in pencil, and some of the lines
have smudged, probably from my nosey roommate, but his handwriting
is familiar, and just seeing it has me smiling.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I unfold
the pages and smooth them out in my lap, pulling my legs up crossed
in front of me, and begin to read.

33,

And begin. I’ve written the first line of
this letter about a dozen times. Ty says I’m wasting paper. Every
opening line sounds desperate and cheesy, so I’m opting for that
one. Now that I’m this far in, I think I can keep going.

I love you. I also wanted to make sure that
was said up high, should you stop reading. I hope you’ve read this
far. Have you read this far?

I pause and run my arm under my eyes while I
laugh. I can actually hear his voice while I’m reading, smooth and
deep, and I miss him more.

I’m sorry. That’s the other thing I needed
to make sure was said. I wasn’t sure what should come first—the ‘I
love you’ or the ‘I’m sorry.’
I took a gamble and went with
love, mostly because it’s happier.

Now, I also want to make sure you’re not
angry with Cass for not giving this to you right away. I wanted to
make sure you finished your exams first, and she had very specific
instructions. Did she cheat and give this to you early? I hadn’t
really thought about that until now. I guess there’s nothing I can
really do if that happened.

Right, so what’s the point of this letter?
Rowe, I’m so sorry I lied to you. Your dad was so concerned, and
when he told me what life was like for you, right after the
shooting, I didn’t want you to go back. But looking back on it, I
think I was maybe being selfish. I didn’t want you to drift back
into depression, because I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want
you to become so distraught that you couldn’t be here any more, and
the fear of that was strong enough to convince me that not telling
you was the right thing to do. But I lost you anyway, didn’t I?