This Is Gonna Hurt: Music, Photography and Life Through the Distorted Lens of Nikki Sixx (24 page)

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I like that “peeling the onion” analogy because I don’t believe we can get to the core of who we really are overnight. That’s especially true when we come from a damaged place. It has taken me years to understand my teenage years, my drug and alcohol addiction, and even my recovery. Behind my core pain, I have done horrible things. I put it all out there in
The Heroin Diaries
and found that honesty not only saved my life but other lives, too. I am grateful because I could help other people feel hope. All is not lost if you’re just willing to admit you are powerless.

All this brings me to an ending I never saw coming.

In the summer of 2010, as I was finishing this book, Kat came out on the road with me to Europe for a short Mötley Crüe tour. The band had a couple days off between shows. We had already booked our flight from Munich, Germany, to the next stop, Hamburg, meaning we were about to spend two days basically sitting around a hotel doing nothing, awaiting another massive rock festival.

Then it hit me. As I said before, Katherine’s dream city is Prague, though she’d never been there. So why not change course, like I’ve done so many times in my life, and fly (literally) by the seat of my pants? Without telling Katherine, I booked us two tickets to Prague. When we got to the Munich airport, I asked her to grab us some coffee while I checked in for our flight. Tickets in hand, I tweeted that I was taking her to Prague and asked my fans not to tell her. Like with all good pranks, then came the moment when I sat back and awaited my victory.

ADDICTION
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Staring at her from across the airport, I saw her check the tweets on her phone, and then watched her eyes light up as she burst into tears of joy.

We boarded the plane together, me feeling smug, her feeling loved, and we both fell into a deep sleep until the wheels hit the ground with a huge bang.

We had an amazing, romantic time in Prague, and then caught up with the tour in Germany as planned. Soon it was time to head home.

The night before we flew back to L.A., we lay in bed in Finland laughing till our bellies hurt, playing Scrabble on our phones, eating ice cream and cake till the wee hours, getting barely any sleep. By morning, when we boarded our flight, we were giddy with love and exhaustion.

But truth be told, we had been up and down, breaking up and making up, for the past two years. We were 110 percent in love one month and then crashing into the rocks the next. We both knew that, even though being together in Europe was beautiful, there was a huge pink elephant in the room, and we were trying to ignore it. Eventually, it had to be discussed.

As we flew toward L.A., we had the conversation we’d had before about how much we loved each other but something wasn’t working. And so again, we decided to take a break. Yes, we were breaking up, and yes, we were still in love, and yes, it’s all very confusing to us, too…

I refuse to dive into any of the murky bullshit and trash talk or to undermine what we had together, like the
tabloids
do. I’ve railed against them so often in this book. I will say this, and I probably don’t even need to tell you (but I will): I still love her and I know nobody will ever own her heart the way I do. She still loves me to death, too. We are bound at the hip like Siamese twins, maybe not physically, but eternally and most certainly spiritually. Maybe our timing is just off. Maybe in a few years, or maybe never, things will change, but nothing will erase what we have experienced together.

I have learned this in my life: everything happens for a reason and everything turns out the way it is meant to be. Living in the present and accepting life on life’s terms isn’t always easy.

I sometimes need to remind myself that “we are exactly where we’re supposed to be in the universe at this very moment.”
But even with that in mind, I knew it was gonna hurt.

NEW ORLEANS
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This too shall pass.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks felt something was different.

I learned this one a long time ago: if you don’t take control of your life, your life takes over you…or, if you don’t deal with your demons, your demons deal with you. Shit happens and it hurts, but you’re also able to change your life in the blink of an eye. Pain is a gift. It is an opportunity to make things better.

This is where I am now. I’ve had to look at all the heartbreaks in my life as good things—as chances to make things right, so I could forgive my mother, my father, and even my enemies. But mostly I’ve had to learn to forgive myself. I have to move forward and realign myself daily with a complete outpouring of positive energy. I intend to infect everybody around me with that positive energy and to push people to do more with their lives. I am so grateful that every day I get to focus on my family, on my creativity, and to manifest a wonderful future. Like all things wonderful, it will appear when I am ready—whatever “it” may be.

I don’t talk much about my kids in this book or in the press, because their lives are not on display. I bring them up now only because everything else I have written about here—good times and bad, touring, career, love life—all comes in second place to them. They are my foundation, and my responsibility to them guides every decision I make.

Naturally, that ties in to my issues with my own parents. I still live with the sorrow that my father wasn’t there for me as a child. But I feel I am able to go back and heal that wound by making my kids my number one priority. No woman or career or addiction will ever get in the way of that. I know that I also sometimes wallow in the fear of abandonment because of my mother and how she treated me. I am grateful that my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction happened when it did. I’m not going to do anything harmful ever again to kill the pain. Instead, unhappy experiences will push me to new levels in my music, photography, and life itself. How about you?

I am saying that if you think your life is in shambles, maybe it’s a gift. It could be just the thing to push you to a new, better level. Yes, this is gonna hurt, but doesn’t growing always involve some pain? I think it does.

I search for and usually find the positive in everything, and in the end I am able to turn my pain into pleasure. I know I can use it to create a better life for myself and everybody around me. What I choose to focus on will become my reality. In other words, your life is whatever you think about. So you cannot allow your thoughts to get dragged down into sadness and heartbreak for too long. When hard times knock on my door these days, I say to myself, “Oh, shit, this is gonna hurt.” And so it does. But from the hurt will come growth. I know that.

Over the years I have struggled to create an amazing and solid relationship with Tommy, Vince, and Mick. I love those guys even though it’s safe to say we have all hurt each other pretty bad at one time or another. (All you have to do is read the Mötley Crüe bio,
The Dirt,
to see just how bad it got before it got better.) I am proud that we’re still a band, and even prouder that we’ve all survived one another and are close friends.

My life feels challenging to me, but then I think of some of the people I have been lucky enough to photograph, and I feel humbled. Growing up being ridiculed for things that are beyond your control, suffering the cruelty of other people for being physically different—I can’t fathom it. Most of us will never have to endure their torments. But when I talk to them, they say they are blessed. That they wouldn’t exchange their lives for anyone else’s. They feel unique. I get high on their energy and how they have overcome difficulties that make mine, and probably yours, seem trivial. They inspire me to be a better person.

This book started off as a way to showcase my photography and give us a chance to talk about creativity. It’s ended up being one of the most exciting yet painful experiences of my life, making me dig into my past, discovering my deep connection to the loss of my sister, my family, and even my girlfriend. It feels as though it has all exploded onto the pages of this book. Jesus, all I wanted to do was show you some pictures. Such is my life.

Which brings me to one final story, something funny that happened at the Prague airport when Kat and I landed there. We both needed to make a pit stop. As I waited for her near the ladies’ room, out came a little boy with his mom in tow. He stopped in his tracks to inspect me closely. I was still wearing my stage pants and makeup from the Munich show, so I was a sight. No wonder he stared. I waved and his face exploded in a huge smile. At that very moment his mother saw me, grabbed his hand, and jerked him to her side, then stormed off toward the baggage claim.

SIXX DEATH MASK
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WELCOME TO FUNNY FARM
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