This Is Not That Dawn: Jhootha Sach (13 page)

Members of the Railway Labour Union and the Student Federation mostly stayed away from these demonstrations. The annual college examinations were drawing near. Tara spent as much time as possible in her studies. Still she would go to a study circle meeting if she heard one was being held. She would often see Asad there, but there was seldom an occasion for a talk just between the two of them.

Surendra had not come to the college for a week. Tara heard that she was not well. Tara had two periods off one day, and she went to Gwal Mandi to visit Surendra.

Tara met Surendra’s mother as she entered their house on the first floor. She chided Tara affectionately, ‘Daughter, some friend you are of Surendra! Didn’t care to ask about her. She’s had a fever for some time now. She’s always talking about you all. The fever lasted for three days. She got better only the day before yesterday.’ She took Tara into the next room where Surendra lay on her bed.

Surendra’s healthy pink complexion had paled because of the fever, and her large eyes looked even larger. Her eyes brightened when she saw Tara, but she turned around and buried her face in the pillow.

Tara sat on her bed, and tried to hug her to placate her. Surendra protested, ‘Go away! I don’t want to talk to you, or to anyone else! All you comrades who pose as close friends! Nobody would have bothered even if I’d died!’

‘Hai, I only found out yesterday,’ Tara apologized. ‘I saw Sneha at the college, but she said nothing about you. I only heard when I went to the Study Circle; I hadn’t been there for several days. With the exams looming large, I can’t afford to go out much.’

‘Who else was there?’

‘Narendra bhai, Pradyumna, Asad bhai; Gurtu was there too. Pradyumna bhai and Zuber got into an argument.’

‘Did anyone ask about me?’

‘Who?’

Surendra remained silent.

‘Who?’ Tara asked again.

Surendra again hid her face behind her pillow. Tara pulled her arm and said, ‘Tell me, my dear. Trust me.’

Surendra pressed Tara’s hand into hers, ‘No. First you swear to me that you won’t tell anyone!’

‘All right, I swear.’

‘Did Asad bhai leave with Gurtu after the meeting?’

‘No, I think he went with Narendra bhai to the Communist Party office.’

‘Is there something between Asad bhai and Gurtu?’

Tara hesitated, thought for a moment and said, ‘I don’t know… I haven’t noticed anything.’

‘You’re sure!’

‘How can I tell? But I don’t think so.’ Tara did not like being questioned. Surendra’s jealousy towards Gurtu was making her miserable. ‘

‘When you see him next, tell him that I’m ill’. Can’t he visit me once?’

‘I will,’ Tara agreed.

It became difficult for her to sit next to Surendra. She made an excuse, ‘My mother asked me to return home soon. She’s not well.’

On her way back, Tara’s head swam with suspicion. ‘Is that thing about Gurtu that Surendra suspected true? Why would Surendra complain? Why did he say all those things to me? You can’t trust men, they want every woman they can get. He just acts gentlemanly.’ She felt sad and empty.

She could not concentrate on her books. At night she lay wide awake next to her sister on the bed that they shared. Next day her thoughts kept returning to Asad. ‘Why did he say all those things to me? I won’t talk to him again.’ A sense of having lost something niggled at her heart.

She came across Asad twice at the college. The Student Federation was campaigning for the reopening of talks between the Congress and the League. Narendra Singh, Asad and Pradyumna came often to Dayal Singh College. She lowered her gaze whenever their eyes met. The next week, in spite of herself, she went to the Study Circle. Once when they were face-to-face, she spoke to him in a normal tone, passing without meeting his gaze.

‘Tara Singhji!’ Asad called. Since the day of the naming ceremony of Surendra’s nephew, he had sometimes called her that in jest. Tara turned around and saw that Surendra was with him.

‘Why are you leaving? We’re all going the same way.’

‘She’s the studious type. She’ll go home and learn all her history book by heart,’ added Surendra.

‘I thought you might all stay a bit longer,’ Tara said.

‘We’re leaving too.’ Asad and Surendra left with Tara. As they walked, Asad began telling of an argument between some friends at the Student Federation.

When they reached the square before Medical College, where the road branched off towards Gwal Mandi, Asad said to Tara, ‘If you’re not in a hurry, let’s first see Surendra home. I will drop you off at your gali and then go home.’

‘No. Let’s first drop Tara at Shahalami. You go back through Kele Wali Sarak,’ insisted Surendra.

‘I’ll walk alone, Shahalami is just across from here,’ said Tara.

‘No, let’s first see Surendra off. I also want to see Puri for a minute,’ Asad said decisively.

When they reached the stairs to Surendra’s house, she asked them both to come up. Asad made an excuse for both of them, ‘Not this time. We’ll both be late.’

Seeing that he wanted to be alone with her, half the anger and hurt in Tara’s heart melted away. Asad asked when they were alone, ‘What’s the matter? Have I been rude to you?’

‘Who said so?’ Tara said looking down, pretending to sulk.

‘I felt you were avoiding me. Is that true?’

‘You disappointed Surendra,’ Tara said, biting her lip. ‘She wanted to be with you, didn’t you notice?’

‘I thought so, but I didn’t want to lead her on.’ Asad said. ‘You haven’t answered my question?’

Tara said nothing.

Asad said in English, ‘I’m eager to hear your reply.’

He said that with a feeling that sent shivers through her body. There was no need for an answer, but what woman can pass up a chance to affect mock anger? ‘I didn’t want to stand in her way,’ she said, her head still lowered, and feeling nervous again.

‘In whose way? Speak up!’

‘I’ve made a promise not to tell.’

‘To whom?’

‘To Surendra.’

Asad thought for a moment, and asked, ‘Does this concern you or Surendra?’

Tara was nonplussed. Had she said too much? She tried to explain, ‘It’s one and the same thing.’ She realized she had made it worse. She felt more embarrassed.

They walked in silence for a few steps before Asad said, ‘If you don’t mind, let’s sit somewhere and talk.’

‘Where?’

‘In some restaurant.’

Tara had been to the Standard only twice; once with Gurtu, and another time for Amrita’s party. She had had tea several times in the company of men and women at her college cafeteria. To go to a restaurant with a young man seemed like taking a big step. What if somebody saw them? But in that state of feeling vulnerable, she said without thinking, ‘Achcha.’

As they walked towards Mall Road, Asad said, ‘Breaking a promise to deceive someone is one thing, but one should not feel they are facing a dilemma if one has to do it to clarify or to explain something.’

They sat in a booth on the mezzanine of the restaurant. Tara slowly divulged Surendra’s suspicions about Gurtu, and her message to Asad.

Asad watched in silence as she poured tea into cups. Tara felt awkward but elated that her doubts were proven wrong. Asad said, ‘Wouldn’t it be better if you trusted me rather than believing what others may tell you about me?’

Tara busied herself with making whirls in her cup with a spoon. ‘What do you mean, believe what?’ She shot him a glance.

Asad lifted the saucer with the cup as he replied, ‘I was very distressed to see you angry.’

Tara took a deep breath. She tried to find courage to look at him, but could not. She looked into her cup as she sipped the tea. She could feel Asad’s eyes on her face, and tiny spasms of sensation all over her body.

She heard him say, ‘I thought I’d never express my feelings for you out loud, but you made me confess.’

She looked at him, for several long moments, then closed her eyes; as if to let herself absorb what she saw.

‘Can I tell you something?’ she said in an unsteady voice. Her face was flushed. Neither of them said anything.

‘Of course,’ said Asad finally, placing his cup back on the table.

‘I don’t think I can.’ Her face flushed to crimson.

‘Tell me,’ he insisted.

As she poured tea for the second time, she told him slowly and haltingly, ‘That day when you were at doctor sahib’s, you know what he said after you left?’ She stopped.

‘What? Tell me!’ Asad asked with some trepidation.

She raised only her eyelashes, ‘He said to me…,’ she faltered.

‘Go on!’ Asad encouraged her.

‘That I liked you.’ Tara said with some effort.

Asad’s eyes twinkled. ‘What did you say?’ he asked.

‘What could I say? I almost died with embarrassment!’ she said, and asked, ‘But why would he say such a thing?’

‘Did you mind?’

‘No, but how could he know about that?’

They talked about Nath for some time. Asad changed the topic, ‘That day when I asked you, whether you or your parents would decide whom you should marry, you answered that you had something to tell me.’

Tara told him about her engagement to Somraj, and said, ‘My brother wants that engagement annulled.’

‘Sure, he would want that. What else could he say?’ After a few moments’ silence he said, ‘You didn’t say who would decide?’

Tara just stared into the empty cup.

‘Don’t want to tell me?’ His voice shook.

She bit her lips before answering, ‘What’s the use? What difference would my decision make?’

‘Then whose decision?’ he asked tensely, ‘Your parents’?’

She said nothing.

‘Answer me!’ Asad’s voice was heavy with emotion.

She looked into his eyes for a second. ‘Yours!’ she blurted out and lowered her head even more.

Asad’s breathing became shallow. After some thought, he said, ‘Do I have
to tell my decision? But there is a deep chasm of religion, community and families in between.’

‘That’s true.’

‘Can you cross it? Are you sure?’ His voice had deepened.

Tara said nothing for some time, then looking at her nails, said earnestly, ‘I’ll cross it if you hold my hand.’

Asad mentioned Puri, ‘He and Kanak seem quite serious about each other.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘I’ve seen them together several times. They sometimes come here in the afternoons. One can’t hide that look. Kanak is a nice girl.’

‘Yes, she’s quite sincere. But Gurtu said something else about her.’ Tara said in a secretive tone, ‘They are old friends.’

‘Must be about Samuel. He was a crook. We are the ones who exposed him. Kanak was quite sincere about him. She was really shocked. She’s impressed with Puri’s writing. Don’t you think Puri is a little short for her? They look about the same height.’

‘Yes, my brother’s height is on the short side. But that doesn’t matter. What impresses Kanak is that he’s a genius in his field.’

‘No doubt!’ Asad agreed, and said, ‘Does he get a chance to do original writing in the midst of all that newspaper work?’

‘On days he’s on afternoon or night shift, he works on his own writing.’

‘I was wondering if there would be any chance of practising law after I finish my course. There might be some possibility in Gurdaspur, but I don’t want to leave Lahore.’

‘Of course not!’ Tara asserted with a smile.

‘It’ll be good if I find a job at some college. There might be some chance at the Islamia College, but I don’t want to work there. Sometimes I get an urge to try journalism.’ He asked in the same breath, ‘You’ll enrol in the MA course, right?’

‘I do want to, but it might not happen.’ Tara told him about the problem in arranging fees for her admission to the BA programme, and how her parents wanted her to stop studying after her engagement. ‘It was possible because of my brother’s support, but I don’t know about the future.’

Asad held his thumb between his teeth as he pondered. ‘You should join the MA programme,’ he said. ‘That would be the best way to end your other problem. You did economics with honours. So why don’t you try for
a scholarship in that subject? I too got a scholarship for my MA studies.’

‘I don’t know if I’d qualify. One will also need books … and then one has to get a top position in the BA examination, and not only in one’s college. That won’t be possible without some tutoring,’ Tara expressed her difficulty.

‘You can do it. There’s a way. Doctor Nath sets the question paper for the BA honours examination. You know what I did? I would go to see him every week for his advice, and he would ask me to study what he thought was important. His guidance, you know, can be very valuable. He won’t refuse you. Go and see him on Sundays. I’ll help you too. I’m tutoring a BA student even now.’

‘That’s not possible either.’ Tara told him about the reason behind the termination of her tutoring job. ‘How can I visit him now?’

‘Never mind. If Puri or I ask the professor to help you, he might find time for you at his university office. I’m ready. You talk to Puri. Soon the college will close for the preparatory leave. If Puri agrees, I can come to your place.’

‘There’s not enough space even to sit at our place.’

‘Then come to your college library, that won’t be difficult for you.’

‘If I don’t get the scholarship, what would my brother say?’

‘Well, we’ll at least have an excuse to meet,’ Asad said smilingly.

‘Anything for that!’ Tara agreed. ‘Achcha, I’ll speak to my brother.’

When she reached home, Tara found her mother in a bad temper. Munni was unwell because she was teething, and did not want to let go of her mother. Usha was neither willing to look after the child, nor help in the kitchen. She was busy doing her homework. Masterji was due back from his tutoring job.

Tara told her mother, ‘You look after Munni, I’ll see to the kitchen.’ She changed her clothes and began cooking the evening meal. She was so distracted by the day’s events that while shelling peas for cooking, several times she discarded the shelled peas and put empty pods into the pot.

Tara cooked the meal. Masterji returned tired and hungry from his job. He changed his clothes, tied a lungi around his waist, washed his hands and face, and came to the kitchen, all the while mouthing, ‘God, you are our protector.’ Tara served him a hot meal. Munni had dozed off. Tara’s mother came and sat next to her husband, the child in her lap. A wife can
at leisure talk to her husband while he eats his dinner. She spoke about her sister-in-law’s visit, ‘Bharjai came again this afternoon. Tikaram’s wife also wanted an answer from us about her sister-in-law’s daughter. She’s the only child, owns a house and has some property to her name. Why don’t you speak with Jaidev? When I talk to him, he always asks why I am in such a hurry!’