This Isn't What It Looks Like (36 page)

^*
O
FFICIALLY, THE
N
UTS
T
ABLE WAS THE TABLE FOR KIDS WITH NUT ALLERGIES, AND FOR A LONG TIME
M
AX
-E
RNEST HAD WONDERED WHY IT WASN’T CALLED THE
N
O
-N
UTS
T
ABLE
. R
ECENTLY
, M
AX
-E
RNEST HAD FIGURED IT OUT: THE OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL THOUGHT THAT THE KIDS AT THE
N
UTS
T
ABLE WERE, YOU GUESSED IT, NUTS
.

^*
I
N
F
RENCH,
TÊTE-À-TÊTE
MEANS
HEAD-TO-HEAD
, AS IN A HEAD-TO-HEAD (OR HEART-TO-HEART) CONVERSATION
. I
N
E
NGLISH, IT MEANS YOU LIKE TO PEPPER YOUR SPEECH WITH PRETENTIOUS
F
RENCH PHRASES
.

^*
A
S A RULE
, M
AX
-E
RNEST DISLIKED FICTION
. H
E DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF READING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WASN’T TRUE
. B
UT HE MADE AN EXCEPTION FOR MYSTERIES, BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE PUZZLES OR RIDDLES, ONLY LONGER
. T
HE
H
ARDY
B
OYS BOOKS HAD BEEN HIS FAVORITE MYSTERIES WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER
. N
OW HE PREFERRED
E
DGAR
A
LLAN
P
OE AND
S
HERLOCK
H
OLMES
.

^**
I
F YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF SYNESTHESIA, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER CONSULTING THE FIRST BOOK IN THE
S
ECRET
S
ERIES
. B
UT
I
WARN YOU, IT WILL STILL MEAN CONFUSION—A CONFUSION OF THE SENSES, THAT IS
.

^*
I
COULD TELL YOU WHAT
INSOUCIANCE
MEANS IF
I
CHOSE TO, BUT
I
CAN’T BE TROUBLED AT THE MOMENT—IT’S FAR TOO SUNNY A DAY
. (H
INT: THE OPPOSITE OF INSOUCIANT IS ANXIOUS AND STRESSED OUT
.) A
S FOR
SAVOIR FAIRE
, IT MEANS
KNOW WHAT TO DO
IN FRENCH
. I
N
E
NGLISH, IT MEANS THE SAME THING
TÊTE-À-TÊTE
DOES, I.E., THAT YOU HAVE A PREDILECTION FOR PRETENTIOUS FRENCH PHRASES
.

^*
W
ITHOUT GIVING TOO MUCH AWAY ABOUT HIS LOCATION
, I
CAN TELL YOU THAT
M
AX
-E
RNEST WAS NOWHERE CLOSE TO
C
HICAGO
O’H
ARE
A
IRPORT, AND GETTING THERE ON HIS OWN WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR SOMEONE HIS AGE, TO SAY THE LEAST
.

^*
A
LSO, IT’S JUST POSSIBLE THAT
M
AX
-E
RNEST’S FEELINGS WERE A BIT HURT
. P
IETRO, OF COURSE, LOVED PRANKS, BUT THE
KICK ME
SIGN SEEMED UNNECESSARILY MEAN
. C
OULDN’T THE MAGICIAN HAVE LEFT THE MESSAGE IN SOME OTHER WAY
? I
THINK
M
AX
-E
RNEST MAY HAVE DELAYED DECODING THE MESSAGE AS A SILENT AND FRANKLY INEFFECTIVE MEANS OF RETALIATION
.

^*
I
FEEL DUTY-BOUND TO POINT OUT HERE THAT WHILE A TRUE GOURMAND, THE HOMUNCULUS IS NOT IN FACT A CANNIBAL, AT LEAST NOT IN ALL
SENSES OF THE WORD
. I
T IS TRUE THAT HE SOMETIMES EATS PEOPLE (ROASTED VILLAINS, MOSTLY), BUT SINCE HE IS NOT FULLY HUMAN HIMSELF, HE IS, ARGUABLY,
NOT FULLY CANNIBALISTIC
. I
N ORDER TO BE A CANNIBAL, PROPERLY SPEAKING, HE WOULD HAVE TO EAT OTHER HOMUNCULI (WHETHER ROASTED, JELLIED, OR RAW
). J
UST AS A CANNIBAL SQUIRREL EATS SQUIRREL STEW, NOT HUMAN RAGOUT
. U
NFORTUNATELY, HE IS THE ONLY HOMUNCULUS IN EXISTENCE THAT
I
KNOW OF
. E
RGO, HE COULD NOT BECOME A CANNIBAL NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED
. N
O
,
LET ME AMEND THAT: HE COULD EAT HIMSELF
. A
ND KNOWING HIM, IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, HE WOULD
.

^*
T
HE
P
RIME
D
IRECTIVE, A FAVORITE CONVERSATION TOPIC AT THE
N
UTS
T
ABLE, IS THE FIRST RULE GUIDING THE
S
TARFLEET ON
S
TAR
T
REK
. I
T HOLDS THAT A SPACE TRAVELER MUST NOT INTERFERE WITH THE NATURAL DEVELOPMENT OF A PLANET THAT HAS NOT YET GAINED THE CAPACITY
FOR INTERSTELLAR SPACE TRAVEL
. O
F COURSE, THIS IS A RULE THAT GETS BROKEN AGAIN AND AGAIN
.

^*
A
FINAL NOTE ON DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LEGEND AND REALITY
:

I
F YOU HAVE NOT READ
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE,” YOU MAY SKIP THIS FOOTNOTE
. I
F YOU
HAVE
READ IT, YOU WILL NO DOUBT NOTICE SEVERAL DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN THAT STORY AND THE CHAPTER ABOVE
. A
SIDE FROM THE DOGS/HOGS CONFUSION, WHICH
C
ASS HERSELF NOTED, THERE ARE TWO MAJOR DISCREPANCIES THAT
I
FEEL
I
SHOULD ADDRESS
. T
HE FIRST CONCERNS THE NAMING OF THE HOMUNCULUS
. I
N
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE,” THE HOMUNCULUS ADMITS TO THE
J
ESTER IN THEIR VERY FIRST CONVERSATION THAT
L
ORD
P
HARAOH’S HOUSEKEEPER OCCASIONALLY CALLS HIM “HER LITTLE CABBAGE FACE,” AND THE
J
ESTER SEIZES ON THAT AS THE HOMUNCULUS’S NAME
. A
S FAR AS
I
KNOW, NO SUCH EXCHANGE OCCURRED IN REALITY—AT LEAST NOT AT THE TIME DESCRIBED
. T
HE OTHER DISCREPANCY CONCERNS THE
S
OUND
P
RISM, THE MAGICAL BALL OF SOUND THAT THE
J
ESTER PLAYS LIKE AN INSTRUMENT IN
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE
”
AND THAT
C
ASS
, M
AX
-E
RNEST, AND
Y
O
-Y
OJI USE YEARS LATER TO SUMMON THE HOMUNCULUS
. W
HY DOES THE
J
ESTER NOT HAVE THE
S
OUND
P
RISM IN THE TIME OF THIS BOOK, WE CANNOT HELP ASKING
. I
HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING FOR CERTAIN, BUT
I
THINK THE EXPLANATION FOR BOTH DISCREPANCIES IS THE SAME
. T
HOSE THINGS SIMPLY HAPPENED LATER
. T
HAT IS TO SAY, THE HOMUNCULUS WAS NAMED LATER IN HIS LIFE, AND THE
J
ESTER ACQUIRED THE
S
OUND
P
RISM LATER IN
HIS
.
I
BELIEVE THE AUTHOR OF
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE
”
MUST HAVE COLLAPSED TIME FOR HIS OWN LITERARY PURPOSES
. M
ANY AUTHORS DO THIS
. T
HAT IS WHY MEMOIRS IN PARTICULAR ARE NOTORIOUSLY UNRELIABLE
.

^*
P
URLOINED
,
AS EVERY ASPIRING BOOK THIEF SHOULD KNOW, MEANS
STOLEN
. T
HERE IS A FAMOUS STORY BY
E
DGAR
A
LLAN
P
OE CALLED
“T
HE
P
URLOINED
L
ETTER
.” I
N THE STORY, NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PURLOINED LETTER HAS BEEN HIDDEN—UNTIL
P
OE’S HERO, THE DETECTIVE
D
UPIN, REALIZES IT’S BEEN SITTING ON THE MANTELPIECE RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY’S NOSE
.

^*
E
VEN TO GEOLOGISTS, A LODESTONE—ALSO KNOWN AS MAGNETITE—IS SOMEWHAT MYSTERIOUS
. M
OST NOW BELIEVE A LODESTONE GAINS ITS MAGNETIC FORCE WHEN IT IS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, BUT NOBODY KNOWS FOR CERTAIN
.

^*
T
HE BROTHERS WOULD BE
P
IETRO AND
D
R
. L (
THEN
L
UCIANO
),
OF COURSE
. W
HEN THEY WERE ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD, THEY USED THE
S
YMPHONY OF
S
MELLS TO COMMUNICATE IN SMELL-CODE AS PART OF THEIR CIRCUS ACT
.

^*
F
RUMENTY, IN CASE THEY DON’T HAVE IT WHERE
YOU
COME FROM, IS MADE FROM BOILED WHEAT
. S
OMETIMES CONSIDERED
E
NGLAND’S OLDEST DISH, IT WAS A MAINSTAY OF MEDIEVAL COOKERY, TRADITIONALLY SERVED WITH VENISON OR PORPOISE
. (Y
ES, VENISON, AS IN DEER, AND PORPOISE, AS IN
DOLPHIN
!)

^*
I
F YOU’RE CURIOUS, THE PARIETAL LOBE IS THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT INTEGRATES THE FIVE SENSES
.

^*
G
LOB HAD GIVEN
M
AX
-E
RNEST HIS LAST SAMPLE OF
T
HE
V
OLCANO GUM AFTER
B
ENJAMIN DID A LITTLE JUDICIOUS
G
LOBBY MIND READING AND GENTLY THREATENED TO TELL THE WORLD WHAT HE FOUND OUT
.O
UT OF RESPECT FOR THE DEAL THEY STRUCK
, I
WON’T REVEAL
G
LOB’S SHAMEFUL SECRETS HERE
. A
LL
I
WILL SAY IS THAT WHILE INSIGNIFICANT, THEY WERE PLENTIFUL
.

^*
F
OR THE CODE-CHALLENGED, A TRANSLATION OF THIS MESSAGE APPEARS IN THE APPENDIX ALONGSIDE
Y
O
-Y
OJI’S FIRST E-MAIL.

^*
P
LEASE DON’T ASK ME WHAT
JE NE SAIS QUOI
MEANS
; I’
LL JUST SAY IT MEANS
I
DON’T KNOW WHAT
.

^*
M
EAD, WHICH YOU HAVE PERHAPS HEARD OF WITHOUT QUITE KNOWING WHAT IT WAS, IS A SORT OF WINE MADE FROM HONEY
. I
TS ORIGINS DATE BACK TO THE EARLIEST CIVILIZATIONS; IT WAS VERY POPULAR, FOR EXAMPLE, AMONG THE ANCIENT
G
REEKS
. I
WOULD NOT TRY IT IF
I
WERE YOU, HOWEVER
. I
N THE LEGEND OF
B
EOWULF, THE
N
ORSEMEN WHO WERE ATTACKED BY THE MONSTER
G
RENDEL WERE FAMOUSLY DRUNK ON MEAD
. A
PPARENTLY, THE MEAD GREATLY HINDERED THEM IN BATTLE—ALTHOUGH IT MAY HAVE DULLED THE PAIN A LITTLE
.

^*
L
EST
I
BE ACCUSED OF ENCOURAGING BAD GRAMMAR
, I
FEEL
I
MUST POINT OUT THAT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, THOSE LAST TWO WORDS SHOULD NOT HAVE READ
E
VEN HIM
BUT RATHER
E
VEN HE
.
A
S IN
E
VEN HE
, M
AX
-E
RNEST, COULD BE A MIND READER
.
B
UT
E
VEN HE
SOUNDS TOO STILTED, TOO UNNATURAL
. E
VEN FOR A STILTED AND UNNATURAL PERSON SUCH AS ME
(I
MEAN
I
!)

^*
C
ASS’S GRANDFATHERS ALWAYS INSISTED ON THE
G
RANDPA
TITLE
. I
F
C
ASS WAS THEIR SUBSTITUTE GRANDCHILD, THEN
M
AX
-E
RNEST, THEY SAID, WAS THEIR
SUBSTITUTE
SUBSTITUTE GRANDCHILD
. O
BVIOUSLY, THEY DEFINED FAMILY A BIT DIFFERENTLY THAN THE HOSPITAL DID
.

^*
W
ARREN
H
ARDING WAS THE TWENTY-NINTH PRESIDENT OF THE
U
NITED
S
TATES AND IS WIDELY REGARDED AS THE WORST
. T
O THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, THERE IS NO NAVY SHIP NAMED AFTER HIM
. N
ONETHELESS
, I
THINK WE SHOULD GIVE
G
RANDPA
L
ARRY’S STORY THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
.P
ERHAPS, FOR EXAMPLE
,
T
HE
W
ARREN
H
ARDING
WAS A NICKNAME FOR A DIFFERENTLY NAMED SHIP THAT HAPPENED TO HAVE PARTICULARLY BAD LUCK AT SEA
.

^*
T
HESE ITEMS HAVE BEEN SELECTED BASED UPON YOUR CHOICE OF THE BOOK
T
HIS
I
SN’T
W
HAT
I
T
L
OOKS
L
IKE
BY
P
SEUDONYMOUS
B
OSCH
. I
F YOU FEEL THE ITEMS HAVE BEEN SELECTED IN ERROR, OR YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO HAVE YOUR PERSONAL TASTES PIGEONHOLED BY AN ANONYMOUS
CORPORATE MACHINE, WELL, FRANKLY, THERE IS LITTLE YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
.

^*
H
E KNEW FROM THE ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-SEVEN TIMES HE HAD CLIMBED THE STAIRS THAT THERE WERE TWENTY-FOUR, BUT HE ALMOST ALWAYS
COUNTED NONETHELESS
.

^*
I
HAPPEN TO KNOW THE OLDER
M
AX
-E
RNEST WASN’T RECOMMENDING ANY SUCH THING
. I
N FACT, HE WASN’T SPEAKING TO THE YOUNGER
M
AX
-E
RNEST AT ALL; HE WAS SPEAKING TO HIS CAT
.

^**
I
F YOU AREN’T FAMILIAR WITH SOCK MONSTERS, THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE: MONSTERS MADE OF OLD SOCKS (AND ASSORTED
SCRAPS)
. C
ASS HAD A HABIT OF MAKING THEM IN MOMENTS OF STRESS
.