This Matter Of Marriage (28 page)

“I'm so tired.”

So was he, Steve realized with a yawn. After spending a whole night in one huge tent with ten Cub Scouts, he was exhausted. The nine-year-olds had been up and down until well after two. Steve was convinced he didn't get more than a couple of hours' sleep, if that. His son had already crashed.

Mary Lynn sobbed quietly.

“Everything will work out,” he whispered again. “Everything does sooner or later.” He wouldn't have believed it a few months ago, but he did now. Mary Lynn's decision to file for divorce had drastically changed the course of his life. For a time, a long time, he felt it had all been a terrible mistake. His pride, his ego, his sense of who and what he was had suffered one hell of a beating. It'd taken damn near a year to fight his way back, to rise above the shock and the rejection.

A year, and things hadn't seemed to get any better. And then he'd learned Mary Lynn was dating Kip. That had hurt, and it'd hurt even more when she remarried. But her marriage, above anything else, had helped him face the truth. It was over for them.

He loved her, yes; a part of him always would. His being with her now was evidence of the depth of his feeling for her. She was the mother of his children, his first love—but their marriage was over. Dead and buried.

Accepting that had probably taken much longer than it should have, but he'd felt like he was fighting for his family, for the dream of what it could have been. He didn't blame Mary Lynn for the failure of their marriage, nor did he accept full responsibility himself. Despite his best efforts to keep his family intact, the divorce had happened and he couldn't turn back the clock.

Steve loved Hallie now. He wasn't sure about leaping into another marriage, but he knew her well enough to realize she wouldn't take anything less. The two of them could discuss that later.

Mary Lynn released a long wobbly sigh. Her shoulders trembled and her grip about him tightened, as though she feared he was about to leave her.

He would eventually, but only after she fell asleep. He battled back his own fatigue and decided to rest his eyes. But only for a minute. One minute.

The next thing he knew, Kenny was standing over him. “Dad?”

Steve's eyes flew open.

“What are you doing here?” Kenny whispered. “Where's Kip?”

Steve glanced to the other side of the bed to discover Mary Lynn curled up with a loose blanket tucked around her shoulders.

“I can't find my shoes,” Kenny said, again in a whisper. “Are you and Mom getting back together?”

“Your shoes?” Steve sat up and tried to focus on his wristwatch. “What time is it?”

“Six.”

“In the morning?”

Kenny nodded, and Steve cursed under his breath and bolted off the bed. He was going to have one hell of a time explaining this to Hallie.

H
allie didn't think she'd ever spent such a miserable night. Every hour or so she leapt out of bed, convinced she'd heard Steve's car. Not until after three did she finally acknowledge that he wasn't coming. That he'd spent the night with Mary Lynn.

His ex-wife had claimed she needed him and he'd rushed to her side, deserting Hallie. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize this wasn't going to change. If she and Steve were to become involved, she'd better accept his feelings for the other woman now. But it stuck like a fish bone in her throat. Hallie doubted she could ever swallow Mary Lynn's presence in her life.

After three o'clock she didn't get out of bed whenever she thought she heard a car, but she didn't sleep, either. She tried. Heaven knew, she tried, and as the clock ticked on and the minutes rolled by, she fumed. The remaining hours of the night were spent tossing and turning. And trembling. She trembled like someone who'd almost made one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

At five she gave up the effort, threw aside the sheets and got up. She showered, changed into her work clothes and brewed herself a pot of coffee. She was going to need it.

Sitting at her kitchen table, she wrote in her journal, spilling out her grief and anger, when a loud knock sounded at her front door. She didn't need anyone to tell her it was Steve.

It amazed her how calm she was. Whatever emotion was left in her had burned itself out during the endless night.

Steve's eyes widened with what appeared to be surprise when he saw her. “You're up. I wasn't sure if I'd get you out of bed or not.”

It was all too apparent that he'd recently come from one, Hallie noted.

“Hallie, I'm so sorry.” He held out his hand in a gesture of hope, a request for understanding. “You have every reason to be furious, but if you'll let me explain—”

“I'm not angry,” she said, interrupting him.

“You're not?” He paused and sniffed the air. “Is that coffee? Damn, I could use a cup.”

“Help yourself.” She motioned toward the kitchen.

He walked past her and took down a mug from her cupboard. After he'd finished pouring, he turned and leaned back against the counter. His eyes held hers. “I can imagine what you're thinking.”

“I doubt that.” She folded her arms and stood on the other side of the room, distancing herself from him physically and emotionally.

“Mary Lynn found out some distressing news about Kip,” Steve went on. “I've never seen her this distraught.”

“And so you spent the night with her.” Hallie could see no need for them to tiptoe around the obvious. “You slept with her.” He'd practically admitted as much.

“No!” He said it with such vehemence that for one tiny instant she almost believed him.

“Yes, I slept with her,” he corrected, “but I didn't
sleep
with her.” He stopped abruptly and shook his head in unmistakable anger. “All right, we were in the same bed, but—”

“Please, spare me the details.” Her stomach was already in knots, and she wasn't up to listening to a lengthy explanation, however plausible it might sound. He'd spent the night with his ex-wife. The reasons didn't matter. He'd been with Mary Lynn and not her, and damn it all, that hurt.

“It isn't as bad as it looks,” Steve said, his gaze holding hers and refusing to let go.

“Perhaps not,” she said, forcing a smile. She wasn't sure how well she'd succeeded. “But as far as I'm concerned, we were given a reprieve from making a major mistake.”

“Mistake?” His echo was a demand for an explanation.

She sipped her coffee and prayed she could pull this off. “Yeah. You've heard what they say about friends and lovers—how sex ruins friendship. It wouldn't work with us, Steve. You know me too well, and—”

“Why wouldn't it work?” His eyes narrowed. She saw that his hands tightened around the coffee mug until his knuckles paled with the strength of his grip.

“You love Mary Lynn. You've never tried to hide that from me—”

“I love
you.
”

It didn't slip her notice that he made no attempt to deny his feelings for his ex-wife. “I know,” she said with an air of frivolity. “I love you, too. That's the way it is between friends. Good friends.”

“We're more than friends,” he declared.

Maintaining her forced smile had become impossible. “Perhaps at one point we might have been, but not now.”

Steve slammed the mug down on the counter, and coffee sloshed over the rim, spilling onto the floor. “Are you telling me you don't want me?” His eyes dared her to contradict him.

Hallie had never been a good liar. “Don't misunderstand me, Steve. I'm grateful to Mary Lynn. She saved us from progressing into an area that would have been a disaster for us both.”

“The hell she did.”

“I can see the writing on the wall. You love her—”

“I was married to her for a long time. I can't turn feelings off like a faucet. She was frantic and frightened. All I did was hold her! If you want to crucify me for that, then be done with it.”

“I know how you feel about Mary Lynn.” Hallie countered his anger with a calm serenity. “She was your first love, your high-school sweetheart, your former wife. It's only natural that she'd continue to have a special place in your heart.”

His eyes pierced hers. “I love you.”

A lump formed in her throat. How convincing he sounded, how sincere and forthright. “But it's clear now that Mary Lynn comes first in your thoughts…and in your heart.”

“If you'd give me a chance—”

She spoke quickly, not allowing him to finish. “She'll
always
be first with you, Steve—no matter what's happening between us.”

“What was I supposed to do?” he shouted. “Meagan phoned, not knowing what to do. She's just a kid. She didn't know how to help her mother. Mary Lynn was hysterical.”

Hallie's point exactly. “And so you hurried to her side.” It was hard not to suspect Mary Lynn of manipulating him—and hard not to resent Steve for buying it. She bit the corner of her lip at the deep rush of anger. She loved Steve and Meagan and Kenny, and hated the emotion that surfaced whenever Mary Lynn's name was mentioned. Hallie had never seen herself as jealous and petty, but that was how she felt, how she acted.

It made her uncomfortable with herself. Hallie couldn't deal with the negative feelings his first marriage brought out in her. “It won't work, Steve,” she insisted. “I'm just as sorry as you are, but it isn't meant to be.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I want a husband, not—”

He interrupted her. “So that's what this is all about.”

She ignored his comment and finished, “—an ex-husband.”

That stopped him. His head reared back as if to assimilate what she'd said. “An ex-husband? What do you mean?”

“I only plan to marry once in my life—”

“You know that saying about the best-laid plans. I didn't even want that stupid divorce. It was Mary Lynn who was unhappy, Mary Lynn who claimed she'd missed out on life because she'd never lived on her own, never attended college, never made love with other men.” His words became more heated, more angry. When he stopped, the silence seemed louder than his outburst.

Hallie waited before she spoke again, letting the silence surround them both. “I saw the look in your eyes when I mentioned marriage, Steve. You've been badly burned. I understand that, and I know why the thought of marrying again isn't exactly appealing.”

He stood tight-lipped and Hallie was grateful he didn't deny his feelings.

“I guess what I'm trying to say, obviously not very well, is that I want a man who'll make a wholehearted commitment to me. A man—”

“Who'll come to you without a load of emotional garbage from his divorce and two emotionally needy kids.”

She hesitated, and then because this seemed the easiest way to put an end to it, she nodded.

“Fine.” He opened and closed his fist. “Be warned, this Mr. Perfect you're looking for may not exist. Let me know when you're ready for a real man and not some ideal.” Without a further glance, he marched past her and out the front door.

 

Hallie tried to pretend it didn't matter. That they could still be friends, still rely on each other. Her hope was that if they couldn't be lovers, at least they could salvage the friendship. She had to admit that, to their credit, they both tried. And yet…they didn't succeed.

She'd met Steve on her way to work the morning after their confrontation. When she'd recovered from the unexpected encounter, she'd smiled cheerfully. “Beautiful morning, isn't it?”

“Lovely,” he'd answered, making the one word sound anything but. Then he'd climbed in his truck and promptly driven away.

Hallie had sat in her car, hands gripping the steering wheel as she battled wave upon wave of sadness.

She didn't see Steve again until Thursday. Her week had been limping along as well as could be expected and then—wham, she ran into Steve at the local grocery. They chatted, but the camaraderie was gone. Their conversation was forced, their enthusiasm false. Afterward, it seemed to her that the hole in her heart had grown larger, more ragged. It would always be like this, she realized. Seeing him would always be a reminder of what might have been. And she was reasonably certain from Steve's reactions that he felt the same way.

Something had to be done.

Friday afternoon, Meagan and Kenny stopped by her place. Apparently Steve wasn't home from work yet. “Hi, Hallie,” the girl said, coming in and collapsing onto the sofa. Kenny helped himself to the television remote control.

“You two look like you're ready to go back to school,” Hallie remarked. Both seemed bored, uninterested, lacking in energy. Meagan was half on and half off the sofa, and Kenny flipped through television channels as if he were counting them, instead of watching them.

“Mom and Kip made up,” Meagan told her.

Hallie was pleased to hear it, particularly for the children's sake. She sat down on the sofa between them. “I have something to tell you both.”

“What?” The kids perked up immediately.

“I bet you're marrying Dad,” Kenny said, and stuck out his tongue at his sister.

“No.”

“Hasn't Dad asked you yet?” This came from Meagan, and she sounded disappointed. “Don't worry, he will.”

“No.” Hallie folded her hands together. “I listed my condo with a real-estate agent.” At their blank look she continued, “It's up for sale.”

“Are you moving in with Dad?”

“No—I'm moving.” It had been a difficult decision, one she'd debated all week. Then, when she'd almost made up her mind, she'd talked it over with a friend in real estate—the same one who'd found her this condo. Gabby convinced her the market was right to sell. That cinched it for Hallie.

This horrible tension between Steve and her wasn't going away. It would only get more awkward, and their friendship would become more and more forced. If she was ever going to find a man to marry, it wouldn't be while she lived next door to the man she already loved.

Nor was Hallie sure she could keep her feelings about his ex-wife to herself. It would hurt too damn much to watch him run to Mary Lynn every time the woman had a problem. Every time she felt like yanking the leash. It was useless to fight a losing battle.

“You're moving?” Meagan asked, her voice filled with shock.

“Eventually. Not right away. I have to sell my place first.”

“But why?” Kenny wailed.

She ruffled his hair.

This was the question she wasn't sure she could answer. Hallie could think of no way to explain that she was leaving in order to protect her heart. She was still struggling with a response when Kenny asked another question. “Does Dad know?”

“Not yet.” Hallie hadn't gathered the courage to tell Steve. Nor had she wanted a For Sale sign posted in her front yard.

“When are you moving?” This time the question was Meagan's.

“I don't know, but it probably won't be soon. It'll take several months to sell and a couple more to handle all the paperwork. I'll be around for a long time yet.” She would miss Steve's children, almost as much as she'd miss him. “It doesn't mean you won't see me again.” She could tell that neither one believed her, but she meant what she said. She'd come to care deeply for Meagan and Kenny and would make every effort to keep them in her life.

“It won't be the same around here with you gone,” Kenny said morosely.

They didn't get a chance to finish the conversation. Steve arrived home as she was trying to reassure the kids; with quick goodbyes, they rushed out the door to join their father. Just as she suspected, it didn't take them long to deliver her news. He was pounding at her front door a minute later.