This Regret (46 page)

Talk about mind blowing. I think a nuclear bomb just went off inside my head.
What the hell!
Reaching behind me to make sure I'm close to the bed, I sit down and grip the silk sheet between my fingers. Maybe there's a perfectly good reason for him being there. There has to be. He would never hurt Adric. I know this.

"Tell me what happened," I demand. "I need to know, Kellan."

I take a deep breath and when I look back up, Kellan is leaning over his dresser, gripping the top with his hands. The veins in his arms and neck throb angrily as a growl sounds in his chest. I've never seen him so upset and this worries me more. "I was supposed to spend the day with Adric," he starts, "But someone asked me to help them move." He grips the dresser tighter before swinging his arm across the top, grunting as he knocks everything off onto the floor. "I knew I should have listened to my gut, dammit. I should have gotten there in time to stop him. He wouldn't wait. I told him to hold on until I got there, but he wouldn't listen. By the time I got there it was too late . . ."

My heart is pounding so loud I can barely make out what he's saying.
Wait...what is he saying?
I take a deep breath through my nose, exhaling slowly from my mouth. I need to calm down and get the room to stop spinning around me before I pass out.
Breathe and repeat, Phoenix.

It takes a few seconds to regain control, but when I do, I get it. I get what he's saying. It wasn't an
accident. “So you're saying you knew Adric was going to overdose?" I grip the sheet tighter, not believing what I'm hearing. "He did it on purpose." It's more of a statement than a question and it scares the hell out of me. "Why! Why would he do that? Why didn't I know something was wrong? I don't understand. I need to understand! "

Pushing away from the dresser, Kellan stares at me with hurt eyes. He looks as if he wants to come to me, but stops before shoving the dresser over, smashing it into the wall. He drops down in a crouching position with his head in his hands, defeated. "I fucking hate myself
every day for not being there. It's my fault because I knew he had a problem and I'll never forgive myself. I should have told someone, but I promised him it was our secret. He didn't want you to have to deal with anything and that's what would happen if anyone knew. He said you were just a kid and needed to do the shit normal kids do. Don't you worry, though. It's buried so far into my brain, it's suffocating me."

Tears stream down his face as he grips his hair and spreads his knees apart, holding his arms bent at the elbow, between them. "It's my fucking fault! He depended on me to keep his sanity and I let him down. I failed him and in turn his family. My family." His shoulders slump as his body jerks with sobs. He's not just crying now, he's bawling and my heart aches to take away those tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I would take his place if I could. I would save you from all this hurt you've gone through over the last eight years. He was a better person that me. He deserves to be here. Not me."

I find myself crying with him. Not just for Adric but for him as well. I can't stand to see him beat himself up. I want answers, but not like this. Not if it causes him this much pain. I run over to him and grip his face in my hands, pulling him up to his feet. He grips my arms and looks at me through wet eyelashes. "Stop it, Kellan. I can't take seeing you this way. I love you too much. I love you. Please stop," I plead. "Please."

His eyes close and he tilts his head back as more tears fall down his face. His eyes are red and his skin splotchy. I watch him, not moving a muscle. When he opens his eyes, he reaches out and wipes away my tears. "I'll tell you what I can. You deserve to know the truth." He picks me up and carries me to the bed, setting me down on the edge beside him. "This is going to hurt, but it's the truth. Adric had a lot of demons. He hid them the best he knew how and I did my best to protect him. If you hate me after this, then I'll just have to live with it."

I place my hand on his knee and squeeze to show him I'm ready.

"I was helping a friend move when I got a call from Adric. He was hysterical. He was screaming and crying. I tried to calm him down." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "He said he couldn't take it anymore and the baggy full of pills in front of him was getting smaller by the minute. He said he couldn't stop. That they were taking away the pain. He kept repeating it over and over as if he didn't think I got the point. That's how I knew he was already high off the pills.”

“I jumped in my car and took off, driving a hell of a lot faster than I should have. I was a good fifteen minutes away, so I tried keeping him on the phone for as long as I could. He announced every pill as he popped another into his mouth. He just kept on going and going and I just kept on pleading with him to stop. He just ignored my pleas and kept rambling. Stuff about how everyone was better off without him and that he would never amount to anything. He said the pain finally consumed him and he couldn't house it anymore. That he just needed to be free, to be relieved from the pain. When I got just a few blocks away from your house, the last thing I heard was 'tell them I love them, I love you bro' and then I heard the phone drop to the ground. I panicked and I stomped on the gas losing control. My car hit a tree and I blacked out for a few minutes. As soon as I woke up, I jumped out of the car and ran to the house as fast as I could. That's how I got this scar." He touches his eyebrow and closes his eye. It's a line that begins at his forehead and runs through his eyebrow, stopping above his eye socket.

I reach out and trace my fingers over it, both of us gripping
onto each other. It hurts so much and I don't want to see him hurt, but I want to hear more. I need to hear more as much as it hurts. I squeeze his leg again and tell him to continue. "Go on," I choke out.

He leans his head back, running his hands down his face. "I burst through the door and ran up to the attic, but it was too late. He was on the ground with the phone lying on the ground beside him. I droppe
d down to my knees and placed my ear to his chest, only to realize it was silent. There was no heartbeat. His body was already starting to look . . . dead. He didn't look like the Adric I knew. I started balling like a fuckin' baby, shaking him, in denial. He couldn't be gone. I called 911 and held him in my arms, trying to wake him up. When I realized there wasn't a pulse returning to his lifeless body, I freaked out. I knew I had lost him and it killed me. He finally did it, went through with it. He finally took the permanent escape. The pills no longer satisfied and numbed the pain. Then the anger took over and I trashed his room. I was so mad. Mad at him. Mad at myself. Mad at the world. I was furious. I couldn't believe he could do that.”

“
He must have been working on those pills all day for them to take him that fast and I had no idea what he was even doing. I was fucking oblivious that he spent the whole damn night suffering. I wanted answers. Before I left, I grabbed the most important things to him to keep them safe. He told me if anything ever happened to him to keep his family, his drawings and his guitar safe. I didn't understand at the time what he meant by
if something happened to him,
but right then it all made sense. He had been thinking about it for a while. The Harley was already over at a friend’s house where we were working on it, so I took that when I left as well."

I place both of my hands to my face and sob. I can't imagine what Adric went through his last moments of life. He was alone. No one was there to hold him. I wish I would have stayed home. I should have refused to go without the boys. Especially knowing now that he did it knowingly. He wanted to die and I never saw the signs. He was so good at hiding them. I didn't realize his life was so hard. Sure, my dad was always gone and my mom emotionally checked out, leaving mine and Zoe's
well-being in his hands, but I thought he knew that one day he'd be free. He had dreams. Dreams bigger than anyone else I knew.

"Didn't he love us?" I ask softly.

Removing his hands from his face, Kellan leans in close, grabbing my hands and pulling them to his lips so he can look me in the eyes. "What?" he whispers. "Of course he fucking loved you guys. Don't ever question that again. Never, you got that?"

I nod my head and fall into his body. He holds me tight, both of us, quietly taking it all in. Somehow, as hurt as I am, I can't stop there though. I need more and Kellan is the only one with answers.

"Tell me why you left, Kellan."

His body stiffens and he lets go of me, backing away from my touch as if he's ashamed. "I can't do that, Phoenix. Please understand that," he says softly. "I will not put you through that. I will not put that on you. It's mine to bear."

This angers me. I don't understand why he can't just tell me the whole damn truth. Standing up, I search for my clothes, gather them up and walk to the bathroom to change.

When I walk back into the bedroom, Kellan is still sitting on the bed, shirtless with his head in his hands. He tilts his head to look at me when he notices me standing there fully clothed. "Stay," he whispers. "You don't have to leave. I want this to be your home. You deserve so much more than you have right now. Don't go."

I shake my head and back up as he stands, making his way toward me. "No. I'm not going to stay unless you can tell me the full truth. I want all of it. I need to know I can trust you. If you would keep this from me then what else would you keep from me? Why did you leave and why the fuck are you going to leave me again? You don't care about me or Kade do you?"

His jaw hardens and he looks as if I've just slapped him across the face. The look softens my anger, but not enough to give it up. "You don't think I care about you or Kade? You can't be serious. You know me better than that Phoenix. I deserve better than that. I care a lot more than you know." He reaches for my face, but I turn it away. He drop
s his hands. "I fucking love . . .”

"What Kellan?" I push his chest. "Don't stop there. Are you too much of a coward? Is that why you left? Was Kade right about you? You left us here to rot without you. I fucking needed you. Kade needed you. You're our family. All of us. You left. I loved you. Was that not a good enough reason to stay?" I cry. "You left and I wanted to die along with him because I didn't have either of you."

Before I can get away, his arms are wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly against his body. "You can believe that if you want," he says in defeat. "It's better than the truth. If you knew the truth, you'd never be able to look at me the same way."

I struggle in his arms, but my body is weak from crying. I'm emotionally spent. I feel as if I've just been stabbed in the back and he's slowly twisting the knife through my heart. I have gone too long without the truth and it's all I want. I want to know about the man I love. I want to know why he keeps hurting me. I want to know why he knew about Adric and his drugs, but no one else did. I want to know where Adric got the drugs. Why did this all have to happen?"

"Where did Adric get the drugs, Kellan? Can you at least tell me that?" I'm defeated, knowing I'll probably get nowhere with it, but try regardless. "Please, tell me. That's all I ask. I need to know."

I feel his heart beat quicken against my body and he pulls me even tighter. "I'm sorry. I can't do that to you. Fuck, I can't leave you here alone. You need people you care about to be here. I'm sorry. I would never leave you by choice. Just know that."

"So that's it!" I scream, squirming my way out of his firm grip. "You won't tell me? Fuck you, Kellan!" I look him in the eyes and almost regret what I have to do. "I'm leaving." I grab for my purse and make a run for the door. I don't even care that I might have to walk for a few blocks and then call for a ride. I just need to get out of here. I can't do it. I can't take him hurting me again. He has the power to drain my heart, soul and spirit and he has.

Just as I reach the front door, I feel his hand grip my waist. "Don't leave, dammit. I want you here with me." He pulls me against his chest, slamming his lips to mine. His lips desperately search mine as he tangles his hands through my hair, holding me as if he never wants to let go.

Pulling away from the kiss, I shove him away and reach for the door. “We don't always get what we want. Do we, Kellan?”

He stands there, nostrils flared as he looks me in the eyes. "Phoenix. Don't do this. I'm begging you to stay. I wouldn't do this if I didn't care."

I swallow hard and wipe a hand over my mouth, showing him just how disgusted I am with him at the moment. "You have one last chance. Tell me everything or I walk. Should you choose the latter, I never want to see you again." A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. "Once I'm out that door. I'm done with you. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I've already gone eight years without you, I'm pretty sure I can survive."

I must have hit a nerve with that statement because he looks as if he's about to break. Dammit, this hurts so bad. I can't stand to see him this way.
Please just tell me. Tell me so I can stay.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.
That's it?

“I guess I got m
y answer. I guess you don't care about me enough.” With that, I am gone. I'm done with anything that has to do with Kellan. I pull the door open and walk outside, slamming it behind me. I hear things breaking inside as I walk down the steps, but I don't stop. As much as I want to, I can't. He's made his choice and so have I. We're done. I can never look at him the same way knowing he's hiding the most important thing from me. I was so wrong to think he cared. He doesn't. He was right, the old Kellan did die.