This Regret (41 page)

Adric had an illness he couldn't control. His head was so fucked up from depression and dealing with his family life, that those pills were his only escape. They became his crutch, his coping mechanism. No one knew what were in the pills, they were a combination of meds and drugs, supposedly for the purpose of making you believe you were happy and everything in the world was fine and fucking dandy, but I think it did the opposite for Adric. I could tell when he was on a high from those pills, because he would get that distant look in his eyes and his hands would shake uncontrollably. He would keep on talking about how fucked up his life was and that he would never amount to anything. He would doubt his music, his art work, even doubt our friendship
and that is what hurt the most.

Eventually, I started hiding his stash from him or flushing them down the toilet because I couldn't handle seeing him that way. I even spent most of my time with him to be sure he couldn't set up any plans to meet up with any of Cape's men. Still, somehow he got past me and got more pills. The sad part was, that after he came off his high, he couldn't even remember what he did or said. In my opinion, I think him not being able to remember was enough for him. It took him away for a while. That night that he died was not an accident. He gave himself a choice and made the wrong decision.

"What's that delicious smell?" Phoenix sits up and stretches, while holding the sheet over her breasts with one arm. "Did you cook me breakfast?" She beams and my chest twinges.

I walk over to stand next to the bed and reach for her hand, kissing it. "I guess you can still call it that." I trail kisses up her arm, to her shoulder, then to her neck. I smile against her flushed skin and laugh. "It's pretty much lunch time. I guess I wore you out last night." At least, I hope I wore her out. We only had sex about four times during the middle of the night. She brought it on three out of those four.
Damn, she worked me in.
"Or should I say, you wore me out. You fucking animal."

Tilting her neck, she kisses my head and tangle
s her hands in my hair. "Well . . . you did say your body was mine for the night," she says in a whisper. "How am I supposed to control myself knowing that? Limitations were not mentioned."

I grab her face and softly press my lips against hers.
Holy hell, those lips are soft.
It's going to take every bit of my energy not to jump on top of her and slip between those sexy thighs. I'm trying to behave. She deserves to be treated with respect. I find myself wanting to be sweet, wanting to take care of her. It's a foreign feeling to me. For a woman that I've slept with, but she's not just any woman to me. She's Phoenix Winters, my best friend's little sister and the girl I grew up protecting. At first, I wanted to treat her like any other girl, having rough sex and then letting us both go our separate ways. Ninety nine percent of the time, I don't want more than one time with a girl. I knew when I touched her, I was in over my head. Instead of getting my fill, she fed my drive. Each time I take her I only want her more. Even me trying to be rough with her, didn't stop me from developing feelings for her. Looking into those big, gray eyes, I know now, just how impossible that was. I want more with her. I want this feeling every night.

I pull my lips away and smile against her mouth. "You should eat up and gain some of that energy back." I rub my hands over the back of her head before pressing my lips to her forehead. "You're so damn beautiful." I look into her eyes and she shyly bites her lip. "Do you know that? I don't want you to ever forget it."

Her eyes watch me as I walk over to the dresser, grab the tray of food and bring it over to set on her lap. She looks down at the tray and smiles. "Steak bagels and hash browns." She looks up at me. "How do you remember all of my favorite meals? That was so long ago, Kellan."

I grab Adric's old guitar and walk over to my side of the bed, tossing the strap around my neck. "Because I cooked them most of the time. I love to cook and I would never forget those days. They were important to me."

She takes a bite of hash browns and swallows hard. Her eyes get a bit glossy, but she quickly turns away and clears her throat. "Everything about you is important to me. Everything you did in the past left a huge impact on my life. That's why I could never forget you." She sets her plate down and leans over, rubbing her thumb under my eye. I grab it and kiss it. "I waited for you every day for over a year. I didn't want to give up on you. I couldn't. I needed you so bad. Why did . . . " Her words trail off as she turns her head away.

I look into her eyes and cup her face. "I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry for that.
I never meant to. But please . . . please don't ask me to explain right now. I wouldn't even know where to start and right now, I just want to be with you while I can. I would never lie to you, so please don't ask me, because I would just have to plead the fifth. I want to tell you someday and hope you understand, but not right now. If you end up hating me, I don't think I could handle it right now."

She grabs my wrists and squeezes. Her eyes are filled with pain and confusion and my heart aches just looking at them. I want to ease that pain, but I can't. I'm so fucked up, she deserves so much better. "I could never hate you, Kellan. I wish you could understand that. I just want you to stay with me. Tell me you'll stay. That you won't take off again. Please, I need to hear it." Her eyes search mine and when I don't answer, she shoves her tray away.

I grab her tray and push it back to her lap. "Please don't do this. I can't tell you I will because it would be a lie, dammit. Can you please just enjoy this moment with me?" I kiss her on the mouth to let her know I care. "Please. Just for right now. You can hate me after you leave."

She lets out a deep breath
before biting into her bagel. She looks torn, but answers anyways. "Yeah, I'll do my best."

Half satisfied with her answer, I lean back, close my eyes and play the guitar while she eats. When I open my eyes again, she's looking at me with admiration. She reaches out and runs her hand up the muscles in my arm and looks me in the eyes. I don't turn away, I just stare into her eyes as I play for her. We sit there for a while, both of us silent, just listening to the beautiful music. In this moment, we don't need to say anything. We can both see how much the other cares. At least, I hope she can.

After a few songs, she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "I need to take a quick shower. I made plans with Jen today and I'm supposed to be there by two." She looks at me, forehead crinkled up and nostrils flared as if she's trying not to cry. "Thanks for last night. I will never forget it."

I sit there, jaw ticking, as she stands up and walks away. I feel like a total dick. I don't know what to say. I hurt her and I know it. I can see it in her eyes.
Shit! I'm so stupid
. I pull the guitar strap over my head and set it on the bed.

The water from the shower starts and I pace across the bedroom, with my hands in my hair. I need to do something to let her know that even though I can't be here that I care abo
ut her. I want her to know she means something to me.

I need to make love to her the right way. No roughness. Just sweet, tender, love making.
Fuck! Do I love her? Nah, I can't love her.
Not in that way at least. I just care about her. So bad it fucking hurts to think about losing her or to think about hurting her. To think about my brother or any other man having her just pisses me off.

I walk down the hallway, unable to control myself any longer. I want to give her something sweet to keep with her for always. Something to set me apart from anyone else. I want to give her my heart, but I can't. There is nothing to gi
ve, so I'll give her my body, the right away.

The bathroom is filled wit
h steam when I walk in and it’shard to see anything around me. She has to have that water really fucking hot to cause the room to look and feel like this. I walk over and slowly open the glass door to the shower, to see her pulling one of my razors up her leg.

She stops when she notices me standing in front of her. "I'm sorry. I saw that you had some extra razors in the cabinet and I didn't think you'd mind. She looks a little worried as if I'm upset with her for using it. How can she think I can eve
r be upset with her? "Anything of mine is yours," I say without hesitation. Then I step into the shower, close the door and reach for the razor.

I kneel down in front of her and prop her leg against my shoulder, kissing the shaving cream free, section of her soft leg. Then I carefully run the razor over her skin, finishing what she started. I want to show her that if I could, that I'd take care of her. I would do anything for her if I had a choice.

She runs her fingers through my hair and pulls it a little for me to look up at her. "I've never had anyone else shave my legs for me. It's a good thing I trust you." She smiles.

I reach up and grab her hand with my free one, intertwining my fingers with hers. "Well, I've never shaven anyone's legs, so it's a first for both of us." I kiss her leg again. "How much do you trust me?"

She lets out a nervous laugh and watches as I start on her next leg. "Enough to let you shave my leg with that five blade razor." Her face takes on a serious look as I stand up, tossing the razor down beside me. Our eyes meet and my heart palpitates in my chest. "More than I'm afraid I should."

I wrap one arm around her waist and one around her neck, pulling her as close to me as I can. "Can you trust me when I say, I did what I did to protect you and Kade? I promise to tell you everything before I leave, but not now. Right now, I just want to make love to you."

She lets out a small gasp and nods her head. Our lips meet and I pick her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I position her so I can slide my way inside her, both of us moaning as I slide deep into her core. I back her against the wall for extra support. I squeeze her body tight as I rock my hips, slowly claiming her body as mine. She slowly moves up and down as I support her body, one arm under her ass and the other around her neck, holding her face to mine. It feels as if I can't get her close enough. I want to hold her tighter, but I'm afraid she won't be able to breathe.

"How does that feel, baby?" I whisper against her lips. "Am I hurting you?"

She shakes her head and the water drips from her lips down to mine. I stick my tongue out, catching it in my mouth before brushing my bottom lip with hers. "It feels good," she moans. "I've never felt this way with a man before. One more time will never be enough."

I kiss her desperately as I push deeper inside, stilling for a moment. "Not even with that Aiden guy?" I ask desperately hoping she says no. I know they have history. She didn't come out and say it, but I can tell. The thought angers me because I'm selfish.

Her arm snakes around my neck and her other hand digs into my back, squeezing me close. "No. Things were different with him. We only had sex three times. We were together for about a year, but every time we had sex, he treated me like a piece of glass and I hated it. You have shown me so much more in such a short time. You're special, Kellan. You always have been."

Holy shit!
They were together for that long and we've already had sex more. Somehow, that makes me fucking ecstatic. I smash into her lips and tug on her bottom lip. "You've just made me so fucking happy."

I press my body against hers, up against the back of the shower wall and run my hand up her throat, making love to her while the steaming water, massages our skins, mingling together. I push into her deep, but gentle, steadily thrusting, causing her to moan in my ear and grip onto me for dear life.

Somehow the thought of her needing me turns me on more than me fucking her hard and wild and it doesn't take long for me to lose control. I grab her face and press my forehead to hers, both of us fighting to catch our breath. "Look at me. Don't take your eyes away. Are you ready to come? I'm ready. I can't hold back with you."

She nods her head and smiles.

"Okay, baby." I grab her hips and squeeze while thrusting into her a little harder and faster than before. "I want to come inside of you again. Do you like the thought of me busting my load in you?"

She nods again and moans while squeezing her thighs around me. “I love when you talk dirt
y to me. It makes me want to come every time I hear it.”

"That's it, b
aby. Let it go. I'm going to release inside you now. I'm going to push it in deep and fill you. Remember no other man has been inside you this way. Think of that."

Her legs squeeze me tighter and she screams as her pussy clenches around my dick. Her squeezing around m
e causes me to lose it and I come along with her, squeezing her against me, my lips crushing hers at the pure bliss that consumes my body as I release a part of me inside her body.

I hold her in my arms for a few moments, not wanting to let go. Our hearts beat together, our breaths ragged against
each other’s faces as we both smile, satiated . . . for now. I can't believe how good it felt making love. I never thought I could handle making love. Sex has always been rough with me. It was my release. Fucking was it for me. Until now. Until . . . her.

Lifting her body, separating us, I let go of her thighs, one by one and she slides down the front of my body, still holding onto my neck. She looks up at me before bringing her eyes down to my arm. She traces her fingers over the eagle on my bicep and smiles weakly. "You got this for Adric didn't you?" She looks up at me expectantly.
“He loved eagles.”