Thomas & January (22 page)

“Christ,” I whispered to the tile below me. My eyes filled with unshed tears and I fought to keep them in. I needed to see her.

Jason helped me as I struggled to my feet.

“How is she?” I asked when I had control of myself.

“She’s in a room and resting comfortably. She was burned slightly on the hip and is awaiting a physician.”

“Can I see her?

              “Are you her spouse?”
              “No, her- boyfriend.”
              “I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait here until she’s released then.”
              “Fine,” I said, falling into a chair by the ER entrance.
Jason sat beside me.
              “Jesus,” Jason said simply beside me but the emotions of our ordeal were packed into the name.
              “I know,” I said, my body still trembling from the adrenaline.
We were silent for a few minutes, trying to recover from the worry.
              “I thought I was going to lose...” I began to say but couldn’t finish, choking on my words.
              “Tom, it’s cool now,” Jason offered when I didn’t continue.
              I breathed deeply and let it out slowly. “I almost had her in there, Jason. I had her fingers in my hands but wasn’t able to save her. I’ve failed her so miserably. I’m so ashamed of myself.

“If I had trusted her the way I should have from the beginning, I would have escorted her there instead of making her attend alone, making her search me out alone, making her save herself...alone.”

“You can’t beat yourself up, Tom. How would you have known the place was going to light up like the Fourth?”

“I can and I will. I let my past affect my future and I’d promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I feel like a coward.”

January

I was shivering cold in that hospital bed. The temperature coupled with the fact that I was burned and that my adrenaline was starting to wear off was making me shiver. When the nurse came in to tell me that Tom and Jason were out front and looking for me, I felt such extraordinary relief that they were okay that I started to cry, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see Tom or even Jason for that matter.

Everything culminating in that moment before the fire was overwhelming and everything after was just plain cumbersome. Tears were the only relief I was being afforded in that moment because the hospital was busy I’d discovered after I’d woken and I was at the bottom of the priority totem pole. I’d have to wait for pain relief.

The burn wasn’t that bad. I’d probably have a little bit of a scar there but not much else. My dress wasn’t stuck to my body or anything. I’d been pushed against a railing near the source of the fire and couldn’t pull myself away because the crowd was edging me against it. I was one of the first out and therefore sent to the hospital immediately after being checked for injuries.

About an hour after, I was aware that Tom was waiting for me, they moved my gurney out into the hall to treat some of the more pressing patients. It was another two hours before they saw and treated my minor burn. At four thirty in the morning, they discharged me right there in the hallway and not a moment too soon as I was getting ready to curse them out in French and walk out on my own.

I needed to decide what I was going to do about Tom. To be honest with you, I didn’t even want to see his face. I wanted to walk right past him, flip him the bird for being so screwy with me and then head to my uncle’s in Ireland. I knew I would quit that lousy job if I saw Jason within five feet of me but also knew that would be a bad idea. I needed the money. I needed the connections. One thing I could definitely not compromise though was working with Thomas Eriksson ever again.

Tom’s treating me with such distance was one thing, something I could forgive. His leaving me to fend for myself at the club was something he would have needed a damn good excuse for and probably something I would have been able to listen to, but my near-death experience blew that chance right out the door.

My heart stopped in my chest. The decision had come without any consideration as to what it would do to my well-being. My brain wanted nothing to do with Tom any longer, but my heart screamed for me to run to him.

No, you’ve listened to your heart so much, January. It’s time to be sensible. He’s repeatedly shown you that he doesn’t care for you the way you care for him. He’s obviously still in love with Kelly. He’s pulling away out of guilt.

I stood up and removed my hospital gown in the bathroom, replacing it with my sooty, torn couture masterpiece.
Oh well
. I walked with purpose out the double doors and into the lobby.

One foot in front of the other one, I deliberately avoided eye contact with the lobby and burst through the front doors of the ER. Just when my stomach was settling the worry Tom would find me, I heard his voice, making my heart jump into my throat.

“
January
?” he asked groggily.
Not a word from me, brother
.

I hailed a passing cab but he didn’t stop.
Jerk
.
              “January, are you okay?” he asked.
              I sighed. Loudly. “I’m fine. Thanks for asking,” I told him, an arm raised for an oncoming cab.
              “Where are you going?” he asked, confused.
              “As far away from you as I can get.”
              “Shit,” he said under his breath. “January, please just hear me out. I-I’m an idiot.”

I looked at him, a slight sarcastic smile on my face. “No, that’s okay. I’m done with this toxic shit, Tom. I don’t know what your problem is, frankly I don’t care, but it’s enough for me to realize that I better get out now, suffer the heartache and give myself a chance to find someone who won’t ditch me or treat me like crap without talking to me about whatever’s bothering him. I don’t trust you anymore.”

The cab pulled up beside me and I opened the door. Tom’s hand came crushing over the edge, shutting it tight.

“Drive on!” He told the driver and the cab sped away.

“What the hell!” I yelled in his face, not in the mood for his games.

“Listen to me,” he pleaded. “Just listen to me for a second.”

“No way in hell.” I used the classic women’s "don’t fuck with me" expression and he backed off a bit. I held up my hand for the next oncoming cab and it pulled up beside me. “You must mistake me for a sucker, Tom. I know exactly what’s going on. You want out. You regret your time with me...”

“No!” He began but I cut him off with my hand.

“Listen, I get it. You’re not over Kelly. You’re feeling guilty about lying. You don’t really love me and you don’t want to lead me on. I’ve experienced this exact thing before. God, how I’ve experienced this same phenomenon over and over.” I shook my head. “Whatever. I may not be the keepable type, but I will be okay without you, Tom.”

And with those parting words, I left Tom slack-mouthed on the walk, closing the door behind me and giving the cabbie the name of the hotel. Tom began yelling at the cab and slamming his hands on the trunk, but I told the cabbie to step on it. I was going to be gone before he’d even know what happened and not a moment too soon either. I needed a place to hunker down for a while and hopefully ease the trouble I felt already brewing in my chest. I needed a reprieve from the impending doom and there was no better place than Donovan’s.

The two-hour flight from Paris to Cork was excruciating. The more I tried to hold back the tears, the more they wanted to burn past my lids. My chest constricted with every breath I took.
So this is what real heartache is
. I finally understood why Tom became so bitter. There was nothing in the entire world like that feeling. Death would have been so much easier.

Donovan met me at the airport and I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my life. The second I came within reach, I grabbed for him.

              “Donny,” I said quietly, the tears already streaming down my face.
              “Ah, lass,” he breathed out harshly. “Come,” he said, hugging me tightly, “let’s get to Killarney. You can tell me everythin’ on the way.”
              The hourlong drive to Killarney provided barely enough time to let Donny in on the whole deal. He wasn’t aware of the fire because I hadn’t told anyone, not even my parents or siblings and he almost flipped out. What’s the point in worrying them? I reassured him that it was just a minor burn and that over-the-counter meds would alleviate the pain, that’s how minor it was.
              Donny’s street was a series of shops all connected into one seemingly long building with different facades peppering each shop. Donny lived above his own. The tears came down stronger at the sight of his little blue door.
              “Oh now, stop it, love. It’ll all be okay,” Donny tried to soothe me.
              I entered Donny’s shop and sprinted up the stairs to his tiny apartment, bursting through the door and toppling onto his sofa.
              “What the heavens!” I heard from the kitchen
              I turned onto my back but kept the accent pillow at my face. In a sobbing voice, I said, “Hi, Aunt Briann.”
              “Is that my January?” she said, her singsong voice making me lose it more.
              “Yes!” I wailed.
              “Oh, my pet.” She came to sit on the sofa arm and started rubbing my hair. “Donny told me a bit before he left. I’m sorry, love.” She lifted me up by the shoulders. “Come on, January, let’s get to your room. You can lie a bit and I’ll wake you for dinner. I’ll get the rest from your uncle while you rest.”
I nodded and she kissed my cheek because she couldn’t reach my forehead. Aunt Briann was exceedingly beautiful and kind as hell. I don’t know how surly Donny got her.
              “Thank you, Briann.”
Thomas
              That cheeky wench had stunned me silent in front of that hospital. I’d been forced to gather my wits, but apparently I wasn’t quick enough to catch her before she sped away. Jason informed me that night that January was on "vacation" in Killarney and that she’d return to New York City at the end of the week.
              “The hell!” I told Jason as I packed my shit for a one-way flight to Cork.
              “I thought Kelly’s wedding was tomorrow,” he said as I stuffed everything in my duffel.
              “It is.”
              “You’re going to miss it?”
              “No, I’m going to swing by Killarney for Miss Assumption first and pick her up.” Jason cleared his throat at my glaringly obvious contradiction. “Don’t even start. I’m going to apologize for that,” I told him.
I’d informed Jason of everything that had gone on between January and me, including the phone call. "You’re an idiot," he’d simply told me. "I know," I’d admitted. That was the end of that.
              “Then I’ll see you at the wedding?” he asked.
              “Yes, with January in tow.”
              “Good,” he’d said.
              I rented a car in Cork and drove straight through to Killarney, reaching January’s uncle’s door at two in the morning. I parked quickly and at a weird angle, hoping to God no one attempted to drive down the narrow street, and started pounding on Donovan’s door.
              “January!” I yelled. “January! Open up!”
              “Stop that poundin’!” A neighbor yelled from his window a few homes down.
              “January!” I yelled, ignoring him. I repeatedly pounded again and again, desperate to see her.
              The door whipped open just when I thought I couldn’t take another second. “What are you
doing
?” A disheveled January asked me. God, she was glorious to look at!

She pulled me inside and closed the door. Her eyes were red and made me want to kick my own ass.

              “January,” I began, but she cut me off with a finger to her lips.
              “Quiet, my aunt and uncle are asleep.”
              “Sorry.” I reached for her but thought better of it and reigned my hands back in. “Please, January.”
              “Why are you here, Tom?” she asked, folding her arms across her attractive chest.
              “I’m trying to explain to you what has been happening to me these past few days.”
              “I thought we already covered this,” she spit out.
              “No,” I said, growing peeved. “Listen to me. Just let me explain, damn it!”
              “Fine,” she gritted.
              I took a deep breath. “I’m in love with you, January.”
              “No, you’re-”
              “Stop! Just let me say this.” She didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I’m in love with you, but I need your forgiveness because I’m going to admit something I’m really ashamed of.”
              “Okay,” she answered in hesitation.

She took a step back, wounding me, but I continued. “I, uh, I listened in on a conversation you had on the phone a few nights ago and I made some assumptions. I thought you were working with Jonah, letting him know our exact location. I thought you were two-timing me.”

“I would never do that,” she said simply.

“I know that,” I confessed. “I should have come to you about it, but I was so angry and felt so betrayed, I-”

“Is that why you made me go to Reine alone?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

Tears sprang to her eyes and I reached for her.

“No,” she said, holding up her hands to stop me, breaking my heart. “Let me get this straight. You thought I was giving away our locations to that asshole and instead of coming to me and asking me about it, you assumed I was that untrustworthy, that my proclamation that I loved you was just bullshit?”

“It’s shitty, I know, January.”

“No,” she said, laughing sarcastically. “What’s shitty is that you thought I could fake all that. That every moment we’d ever shared on the road was not genuine.” She shook her head. “That makes me sick to my stomach, Tom.”

She ran her hands across her belly and stepped back. She wanted distance. I took hold of her, panicked she was about to say what I thought she was about to say.
              “Don’t,” I said.
              She brought her tear-filled eyes to mine. “But you already did. When you assumed I could be the type of person to do that, you admitted you didn’t know me at all. How can you claim to love someone you don’t know?”
              “No,” I told her, hugging her tighter, willing her to forgive me. “Don’t, January. Please, I’m sorry. So, so sorry. Please,” I begged, “I couldn’t survive if
you
broke my heart.”
              “Stop,” she said, openly bawling. “I’ve heard enough.”
Crying, she began to push me toward the door, but I refused to move. I just couldn’t accept that it was over. I refused to acknowledge it.