Three Cans of Soup (7 page)

Gerald looked away. It was Suzanne who spoke. “It was Benny. He called the police, telling us that it was necessary for any insurance claim. What we did not know is that he is friends with some important people and he called in some favors. He wanted Bill arrested—to embarrass him—and to make a point.”

“So you not thinking of filing charges, are you?” Sharon said, looking with growing anger at Gerald.

Gerald finally looked at her and said, “We decided as a board not to file charges but to see what our district minister recommends. It is obvious that Bill is having a kind of breakdown and needs counseling.”

His face took on a sad look as he added, “But it is not as simple as that. Benny has been calling a lot of people and has threatened to pull out of the church if Bill is not fired and some sort of justice happens. Anita went to the emergency room because she was so traumatized. Quite honestly, several board members want a meeting to fire Bill. When the story hits the newspaper and internet, well, I don’t think we will have any other choice.”

“No choice?” Sharon said, tears filling her eyes. “You all always have a choice. Bill needs help, but, you know, right now I am beginning to understand how frustrated he was. You obviously can’t stand up to Benny. Are you going to let him ruin our family and Bill’s whole life?”

Suzanne walked over and embraced Sharon. For a moment they held each other, both in tears. Suzanne looked up and said, “I am so sorry, for you both. I know Bill has been under a lot of stress and honestly, there is a part of me that wants to stand up and cheer!” She looked right at Gerald. “People don’t know the stress that we face in ministry. My counsel, for what it will be worth, is to help Bill through this time and not be vindictive. It is Christmas, after all. A little charity and love would be welcome.” But even as she said this, Suzanne knew that Benny, when angered, was unstoppable. The last minister had found that out. Why she had stayed on was the question she was now asking herself.

After the meeting, Sharon drove over to the jail to visit Bill. She hardly recognized the Bill that came into the room. The smile of the last few days was gone and he entered the room unable to look at her. She fought her own urge to just yell at him and instead just hugged him. She told him it would be all right. They would get through this time. Then looking at him through tears she told him that a part of her wanted was proud that he had finally stood up. She saw a little bit of the old Bill shining through, the Bill that had marched for peace and justice, the Bill she had fallen in love with so many years ago. They would get through this and, she had to admit, there was a part of her that felt relief—maybe they could put a life together without the church.

Bill was released the next day. The Church decided not to file any charges if Bill would resign, which he did the following week. The District Minister, Richard Pearl, arranged for Bill to undergo counseling.

It was Christmas Eve when it hit Bill. That evening as the family gathered and tried to make the best of the situation, Bill seemed more despondent than ever. Sharon had even offered to give up her teaching job if Bill needed to move farther away. “I can always find another teaching job,” she had offered. Lisa seemed angry at her father for what he had done.

Robby seemed overjoyed. “Way to go, Dad!” he had said before his mother hushed him.

That evening, Bill excused himself and took a long walk. It had rained and the streets had a slender coating of ice. The air was chilly. Bill walked for a long time and finally sat on a bench in the park. Around him he could hear the sounds of Christmas Eve services.

He sat for the longest time. He prayed. Where was God in all this? He had been so convinced that he was doing the right thing. In his mind he was like the great prophets, Jeremiah, who had created mayhem to make a statement of faith. Or was he just a fired minister who had embarrassed himself and his family? Where was God in all this? Why did people like Benny just seem to get one thing after another and here he was without a job, alone? Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe God had abandoned him. Where was God?

Bill had no answers that night. He only got cold and wet. He returned home and went to bed early. It was the worst Christmas ever. What he did not know was that it was going to get a lot worse.

As the New Year began, Bill followed through on Dr. Pearl’s suggestion for counseling. Central Church decided to drop all charges if Bill would agree to counseling. What Bill did not know is that Benny and his friends had also worked out an agreement with Dr. Pearl; he would do his best to make sure Bill would never serve a church again. In this regard, Benny sweetened the deal with a generous gift to the proposed new district offices.

For Bill’s part, he actually believed that after the counseling he would be able to seek another congregation. Dr. Pearl, however, informed Bill that since he had been arrested, any background check would note that arrest and would end any chance of serving a congregation. Furthermore, he would not give his recommendation. He suggested that Bill find another line of work.

By spring it became obvious that nothing was going to develop for Bill. This made him more depressed than ever. As the financial reality hit, Sharon and Bill realized they could not stay in their home. Bill found a job at a local grocery store but was laid off. His next job was at Bartlett’s Book Store.

The one positive note was that everyone seemed to have forgotten about him. Bill changed his appearance, allowing his graying hair to grow long and adding a beard. He put on some weight.

Sharon, for her part, was very supportive and loving but in time she grew tired of Bill’s lack of initiative. Even when they lost their home she told Bill that as long as they could be happy, that was what was important. She confided in Bill that she had never enjoyed the last years of ministry with the expectations members had placed on her and watching Bill become someone she did not particularly like. She hoped that Bill would rediscover himself and return to the Bill she had once known and loved.

As summer turned to fall, tension began between Bill and Sharon. Bill was growing ever more jealous of Sharon’s success and happiness. Sharon was growing tired of Bill always being down. Sharon also wondered about God. It seemed especially cruel that just as she had found herself, Bill seemed to lose himself. From her perspective, she felt they still had many blessings. They had two lovely children, a warm home (although a lot smaller than their other home), each other, and she was confident they could get through this time—if only Bill could find his center once again. As the months wore on, that hope appeared to be less and less a possibility.

Once again the seasons changed. The beautiful fall gave way to the cool of November. Thanksgiving was a few days away. Bill and Sharon were planning to go to Robby’s again. Bill, however, seemed more despondent than ever. It was a Tuesday when it happened.

Bill was home again. He said he was not feeling well. He seemed to not feel well at least one work day a week. Sharon was wrapping up her classes and getting ready for the Thanksgiving break. That morning she got up early, exercised, fixed a quick breakfast, and once again walked into the bedroom to find Bill still asleep. If he lost this job, she thought, they would be in real trouble.

“Bill. BILL!” she yelled, shaking him.

“Leave me alone! Just leave me the hell alone!”

“Bill, you have got to pull yourself together! I have class in thirty minutes. You should go into work today. You are in no way sick.”

Bill sat up. He glared. His beard and hair had turned a white-grey, which in another circumstance would make him appear a little like Saint Nicholas. But his expression was nothing like Saint Nick would wear.

“I told you I don’t feel well,” Bill blurted out, pushing Sharon away, flopping back into the bed and pulling the covers over his head.

Sharon’s voice turned stern as she looked at the lump in the bed. “Bill, I have just about had it with you. We’re going to Robby’s tomorrow and you look like shit!”

Bill pulled the covers tighter around his head.

Where was the Bill she had known? Where was the Bill of faith and love? Somewhere he had lost himself and she feared that he was also losing her. She gathered herself up and said, “Bill, I’m going to work now. I will be a little late. If you can manage it, I would really like you to get up, shower, shave, and look decent. Then if you can find the time in your BUSY SCHEDULE, you might clean out the closet and get the decorations out for Christmas.”

Bill ignored her and pulled the covers tighter around him.

Sharon stared at him, a tear forming in her eye and slowly making its way down her cheek. “Well, goodbye.” With that, she opened the door and let Jerry into the room. Before Bill could react, she slammed the door and then slammed the outside door and left.

Jerry bounded onto the bed, only to be harshly rebuked by Bill. Jerry wasn’t dumb and retreated to the corner of the bed. Bill, for a moment, seemed to regret what he had done, but only for a moment. He flopped back over, pulled the covers up and slept the morning away.

Bill finally got up around two in the afternoon. He dressed (sort of), decided not to shower or shave, and sat down to channel surf. By the time Sharon returned home, Bill had gone back to bed.

Sharon sat in the dark room for hours that night. Her hand was slowly petting Jerry’s head, caressing his ears, thinking—and praying—and crying. Something had to change. Her stomach seemed to knot up. Bill had dropped out of counseling months ago. He was distant. They had not made love for months. She was getting angrier and angrier. The children had noticed. Inside her there was that knowing, awful truth that she might have to leave Bill. The very thought caused her to silently sob. She prayed and prayed and cried some more. All the time Bill seemed to be asleep, but he wasn’t.

As Bill lay there that night he also wondered about everything. He never should have destroyed that wreath. He never should have come to Central Avenue. It was his ego, his pride. He had been happy at his last church. No; not really. He felt like everyone was passing him up, getting the larger churches. Is that what it is about? Is ministry nothing but a career like everything else? Where was God? Why had God abandoned him? He had served for decades, put up with crap, done a lot of good, and changed a lot of lives. Where were the rewards? He had lost his home, lost his ministry, lost his pride, and might lose his family. These were the thoughts cascading around Bill’s heart that evening until finally sleep took over.

The next morning when Bill awoke, he knew he had to make some changes. He would get up, get dressed, he thought. Where was Sharon? He turned onto his side and noted that her side of the bed had not been slept in. He got up and walked into the living room. Sharon was sitting in the chair in the living room.

“Hi honey,” Bill said. “I’m sorry for the way I have been acting for the last few days. I have been such a jerk,” he said and looked to Sharon for a response.

Sharon said nothing. It was then that Bill noticed a suitcase packed and sitting beside her. “Bill,” she said, “we have to talk.”

Those words hung in the air. Bill had feared this moment, knew it was coming. Sharon was leaving him. He deserved it. He had not been much of a husband lately. All he could do was slowly sit down in the chair opposite her.

“Bill, this is hard for me to say. I don’t know what is wrong with you. You just seem to not see anything clearly. I’m sorry you lost the church and I am just as angry as you that they have forgotten about you. You don’t realize how hard it has been for me all these years. All those parties I went to, all the services I attended. Now please understand me I do not regret for one moment being a support to you. But time and time again I have had to bite my tongue as I watched you attacked and watched you not getting the respect you deserved. This last church was a nightmare. Anyway, that’s not what I want to say.” She paused and drew in a breath. Bill slowly let a breath out. He knew what was coming next. He had counseled dozens of broken marriages and the knot in his stomach told him his was unraveling before his eyes. For some reason at that moment he began to feel anger, not pity. Strange!

Sharon continued. “Bill, I love you. The children love you. I’m not leaving you, if that is what you’re thinking. But I do need a break. I need some space. I think it is best that I go on to Robby’s without you. I think you need some time and space to sort things out. I don’t know any more if you want to stay in this marriage. I need time to think and so do you. So I called Robby and Lisa and we talked last night and we all think that you need to have some time to sort things out. What do you think?”

Bill could not believe the words. Did the kids not want him around? All he could manage was, “Honey, I said I was sorry. Why are you leaving me?”

“Bill, you didn’t hear me. I am not leaving you. I’m going to Robby’s for Thanksgiving. We will all miss you, but in your shape, you will not enjoy one moment. We think you need some space, and I most surely do. It isn’t going to be much of a Thanksgiving, but I think this is for the best. Please hear me: I am not leaving you and I love you.”

Bill sat. It was as though the world were crushing in on him. All he could say was, “I love you and I am sorry.” Then he added, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we both need some space.” Bill reached out for Sharon, but sensed this was not a time for hugs. Sharon got up, moved close to him, lightly kissed him, picked up her suitcase, said good-bye to Jerry and left. Bill did not see her tears nor did she see his. He thought last Christmas was the worst Christmas ever; he was wrong.

For Bill’s family, Thanksgiving was not a day of thanks. Sharon, Robby, and Lisa had little appetite. They spent the day talking about their father and husband, wondering if the old Bill would ever return. This was the Bill who had a deep laugh, a sarcastic wit, and a deep love. Robby recalled all the times that his father had helped people, leaving the family to respond to a death or a crisis. At the time he had resented the interruptions, but for the first time, he began to appreciate his father. He remembered how they were once walking the plaza in Kansas City when a homeless man had approached him. Robby’s first impulse was to tell the guy to get lost, but not his father. His father had struck up a conversation and given the guy a couple of bucks.