Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (14 page)

3
Let all this simmer together until the beans are almost tender. This should take about 1 hour, but it really depends on how old your beans are and how long you soaked them. Once they are almost done, add the apple. Simmer until the apple is tender and the beans are soft, about 30 minutes more. Take out that rosemary sprig and serve.

*
Yeah, the whole fucking branch and everything. The leaves will fall off as you cook, no big deal. Just pull the stick out when the beans are done
.

5-SPICE FRIED RICE
WITH SWEET POTATOES

The trick to good fried rice is to use cold, leftover cooked rice. Freshly cooked rice will get all mushy and that shit just won’t work. So don’t start bitching if you fuck this up—you’ve been warned. Add in some
Dry-Fried Tofu
to make this a meal.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 AS A SIDE OR YOUR LONELY ASS FOR A COUPLE OF NIGHTS

1 medium sweet potato (¾ to 1 pound)

2 teaspoons neutral-tasting oil*

2 tablespoons water, plus more if needed

½ small yellow onion, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

¼ teaspoon Chinese 5-spice powder**

1 to 2 cloves garlic, minced

1½ tablespoons soy sauce or tamari

1 tablespoon rice vinegar

1 teaspoon chili paste or an Asian-style hot sauce like Sriracha

4 cups cooked short-grain brown rice that’s been chilled for a couple hours

1 cup bitter greens,*** chopped up no bigger than a quarter

½ cup sliced green onions

1 cup frozen green peas, thawed

1
Peel the sweet potato and chop into dice-size cubes.

2
In a large wok or skillet, heat 1 teaspoon of the oil over medium heat. Add the sweet potato and the water and stir-fry the potato, stirring often. If the potato starts to stick, add a little more of the water as needed. Cook until the potato is close to tender and browning on some sides, 5 to 8 minutes. Add the onion and carrot and cook until the onions are translucent, about 3 more minutes. Add the 5-spice powder and garlic, mix well, then remove the vegetables from the pan. Scrape the pan clean cause we aren’t fucking done.

3
In a small glass, mix together the soy sauce, vinegar, and chili paste. Heat the wok back up over medium heat and add the remaining 1 teaspoon oil. Throw in the rice and stir-fry until it begins to warm, 3 to 5 minutes. Drizzle the sauce over the rice, mix well, then add the cooked vegetables. Stir-fry for a minute so everything is well mixed. Fold in the greens, green onions, and peas. Turn off the heat and serve immediately.

*
Grapeseed, peanut, or regular sesame oil would be cool
.

**
Most grocery stores carry this shit with the rest of the spices. It’s a blend of cloves, star anise, cinnamon, pepper, ginger, and fennel seeds. It’s tasty as hell and you should own some. If you can’t find it, you can make your own blend or just leave it out and tell your grocer to get their shit together
.

***
We used watercress, but mustard or arugula are fine if you can’t find that weedy looking bastard
.

CREAMY PEANUT SLAW

Mixing peanut butter with cabbage might sound kinda fucked, but it’s delicious. This side is dope with the
Cold Citrus Noodles
,
Grilled Eggplant with Soba Noodles
, and/or the
Ginger-Mushroom Summer Rolls
. Hell, you can just eat it solo.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 AS A SIDE

PEANUT DRESSING

3 tablespoons peanut butter

2 tablespoons warm water

3 tablespoons rice vinegar

2 tablespoons lime juice

1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger

1½ teaspoons Sriracha or your favorite Asian-style hot sauce

½ teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

SLAW

3 cups thinly sliced red cabbage

3 cups thinly sliced green cabbage

1 carrot, cut into thin matchsticks

1
⁄
3
cup thinly sliced green onions

1
Make the peanut dressing: Mix the peanut butter and warm water together in a medium glass until it’s creamy. Add the rest of the dressing ingredients to the sauce and mix that son of a bitch well.

2
In a large bowl, combine all the slaw veggies. Pour the dressing over them and toss it all around until everything is coated. Serve the day it’s made.

COCONUT-LIME
RICE
WITH RED BEANS AND
MANGO

This one-pot wonder makes other side dishes step up their game or be forgotten.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 AS A SIDE

2 cups short-grain brown rice

2 teaspoons neutral-tasting oil*

1 cup diced shallots or onion**

1½ tablespoons minced fresh ginger

1 cup canned coconut milk***

2½ cups vegetable broth

¼ teaspoon salt

1
⁄
8
teaspoon cayenne pepper****

1 mango

1½ cups cooked red beans*****

Grated zest and juice of 1 lime

Chopped cilantro or green onions, for serving

1
Rinse the rice under cool water. Heat up the oil over medium heat in a large soup pot. Add the shallots and sauté until they start to brown in some spots, about 3 minutes. Add the ginger and sauté for 30 seconds until everything smells choice. Add the rice and keep stirring until the rice starts to smell slightly toasted, about 2 minutes. Add the coconut milk, broth, salt, and cayenne pepper and bring to a simmer. Give the pot a quick stir, cover it, and reduce the heat to low. Keep it all at a very gentle simmer and leave it the fuck alone until the rice is tender and has absorbed nearly all the liquid, about 40 minutes. If your rice isn’t done by the time you run out of liquid, don’t stress that shit; just add a little more broth or water.

2
While the rice is cooking, chop up the mango into bite-size pieces. (Not sure how to chop that fucker up? Turn to
this page
for the how-to. You should get around 1½ cups of flesh from 1 mango.)

3
When the rice is tender, fold in the beans, lime zest, lime juice, and mango. Let this all cook together for another minute or two so that everything is warmed up. Serve warm topped with cilantro or green onions.

*
Grapeseed, peanut, or regular sesame oil work fucking great
.

**
That’s about 4 shallots or ½ small onion
.

***
See
Dropping Knowledge
.

****
Leave this shit out if you can’t stand the heat
.

*****
Or two 15-ounce cans. Also, you can use black or kidney beans here if you can’t find red beans
.

COLD CITRUS NOODLES
WITH CUCUMBERS AND CARROTS

These noodles always hit the fucking spot. They’re great served on a bed of greens like spinach and topped with the
Ginger-Sesame Baked Tofu
if you’re making it a meal.

MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 AS A SIDE

CITRUS SESAME SAUCE

¼ cup rice vinegar

2 tablespoons water