Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (15 page)
Read Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck Online
Authors: Thug Kitchen
2 tablespoons orange juice
2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
1½ tablespoons minced fresh ginger
1 tablespoon soy sauce or tamari
1 tablespoon lemon juice
NOODLES AND VEGGIES
8 ounces soba noodles*
2 small carrots, cut into matchsticks
2 small cucumbers, cut into matchsticks
2
⁄
3
cup thinly sliced green onions
1½ tablespoons toasted sesame seeds
1
Mix all the ingredients for the citrus sesame sauce together in a small glass.
2
Cook the noodles according to the package directions, because all that shit is different. When they are done, drain and rinse them with cold water so that they stop cooking and don’t get all mushy.
3
While the noodles are cooking, cut up the veggies and green onions.
4
Add the drained noodles, carrots, cucumbers, and sesame sauce to a large bowl and toss to combine. Fold in the green onions and sesame seeds. Serve cold or at room temp.
*
You can use udon, somen, whole wheat pasta, or whatever here, but soba (made from buckwheat) is the go-to if you can find it
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HOW TO BAKE TOFU
Why is everyone so fucking afraid of tofu? That shit is just misunderstood. Yeah, it can be bland and mushy, but that is because people don’t know how the fuck to cook it right and that gives tofu a bad name. It isn’t hard; most motherfuckers are just lazy with it. We got this shit figured out, though. Throw it in a flavorful marinade and bake at a high heat, and tofu turns into something worth eating and not just some health food dare. Try it out and see how much better you can be at this tofuckery than everybody else.
1
. Grab some extra-firm tofu, drain it, wrap it in some paper towels or a clean dish cloth, put it between two plates, and put some weight on it like a can of beans. This presses out all that water it’s packed in and makes room for flavor. This should take about 30 minutes to 1 hour. So you can go grab a nap or something.
2
. Next, mix together your marinade in a shallow, rimmed dish like a pie plate—you know, something where all the tofu can marinate in one layer.
3
. Cut the tofu into widthwise planks no thicker than ¼ inch. You should get about 12 pieces per brick of tofu. Throw that in the marinade, make sure all the pieces are covered, and let that sit in the fridge for at least 2 hours and up to 8. Stir it around every now and then if you can remember.
4
. When you’re ready, crank the oven to 450°F. Grease a rimmed baking sheet.
5
. Take the tofu out of the marinade (save the marinade) and arrange the planks on the baking sheet. Bake for 15 minutes, flip, and spoon a little more marinade on each piece. Bake for 10 more minutes, flip, and sauce again. Bake for a final 5. The edges should start looking a little burnt. That’s the right way to do it, so just calm the fuck down. Let it sit for a couple minutes to firm up and then cut it into whatever shaped pieces you need.
Marinated, baked tofu is great folded into salads, wraps, and pastas where you need some extra protein and regular beans won’t cut it.
Tofu Marinades
After choosing a marinade, mix all the ingredients together in a shallow, rimmed dish that will hold the tofu in one layer (see directions opposite).
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 1 BRICK OF TOFU
GINGER-SESAME MARINADE
¼ cup soy sauce or tamari
¼ cup rice vinegar
2 tablespoons lime juice
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
2 teaspoons Sriracha or similar hot sauce
2 cloves garlic, thickly sliced
SMOKY MAPLE MARINADE
¼ cup soy sauce or tamari
¼ cup vegetable broth or water
2 tablespoons maple syrup
1 tablespoon
liquid smoke
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 cloves garlic, thickly sliced
SWEET CITRUS MARINADE
½ cup orange juice
¼ cup soy sauce or tamari
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoons Sriracha or similar hot sauce
2 cloves garlic, thickly sliced
YELLOW
SPLIT PEA
AND GREEN ONION
LETTUCE WRAPS
Tired of boring ass lettuce wraps? us, too. Try these crunchy fuckers out and remember why it’s fun to eat with your hands.
MAKES 12 TO 14 LETTUCE WRAPS
1½ cups yellow split peas
3 cups water
Salt
DIPPING SAUCE
2 tablespoons soy sauce or tamari
2 tablespoons water
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 to 2 teaspoons of your favorite Asian-style hot sauce*
1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil
1 teaspoon of your favorite liquid sweetener**
WRAPS
2 teaspoons neutral-tasting oil
½ cup chopped shallots or yellow onion
2 teaspoons minced fresh ginger
1 cup minced green onions
2
⁄
3
cup shredded carrot***
3 tablespoons rice vinegar
1½ teaspoons soy sauce or tamari
1½ teaspoons toasted sesame oil
1 head of lettuce such as romaine or red leaf
1
Rinse the peas well and then throw them in a medium pot with the water and a pinch of salt and bring them to a boil. Reduce the heat and let those sons of bitches simmer until they are tender, 10 to 15 minutes. You can figure that shit out just by tasting them. When the peas are done, drain them and set aside.
2
While the peas are cooking, mix together all the ingredients for the dipping sauce in a small bowl.
3
Grab a big wok or skillet and heat the oil over medium heat. Add the shallots and sauté until they start to turn golden, about 3 minutes. Add the ginger and green onions and let it all cook together for another 30 seconds. Add the split peas and carrots, toss, then add the rice vinegar and soy sauce. Let that simmer together for another 30 seconds while you stir. Add the toasted sesame oil and then turn off the heat.
4
Serve the filling warm or at room temperature with a bunch of lettuce leaves to use as leafy tortillas. Keep the dipping sauce on the side. Looks like a good fucking time.
*
Optional but you really should try new shit
.
**
Agave or maple syrup would do if that’s what you’ve got
.
***
Use your box grater
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WILTED GREENS
Not sure how to cook greens properly? Let’s fix that shit. This is the stupid-simple how-to for the don’t-know crowd.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 2 AS A SIDE
1 bunch hearty, dark, leathery greens like kale or collards
½ teaspoon olive or grapeseed oil
1 tablespoon water
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari
1
Remove the tough stems and slice the greens into strips about 1 inch wide and 2 inches long. You should aim for around 6 cups. This might seem like way too many greens, but they’ll cook down to fucking nothing. Trust.
2
Grab a big wok or skillet and heat up the oil over medium heat. Add the greens and toss them around until everything has a little oil on it and cook for about 30 seconds.
3
Add the water, garlic, lemon juice, and soy sauce and then keep tossing those greens around so that it all cooks down. This shouldn’t take more than a minute and a half. Once all the greens are wilted, turn off the heat and serve.
BAKED SPANISH RICE
Toss this in the oven and forget about that shit until dinnertime.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 AS A SIDE OR 8 AS BURRITO FILLING
½ onion, chopped (about 1 cup)
2 tomatoes, chopped (about 1¼ cups)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 jalapeño, minced
1 tablespoon tomato paste
2½ cups vegetable broth
2 cups long-grain brown rice
1½ tablespoons olive or grapeseed oil
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup corn kernels*
1 cup green peas*
1 tablespoon lime juice (about ½ lime)
¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro
1
Crank your oven to 375°F. Grab a 9 x 13-inch glass or ceramic baking dish.
2
In a blender or food processor, combine the onion, tomatoes, garlic, jalapeño, and tomato paste and let that shit run until a smoothish-looking sauce is born, about 30 seconds. You should get about 2 cups of sauce. Pour that into a medium saucepan, mix in the broth, and let it come to a simmer over medium heat.
3
While that tomato mixture is heating up, spread the rice over the bottom of the baking dish and drizzle the oil and salt over the top.
4
When the broth mixture is at a gentle simmer, pour it over the rice, stir it up so everything is mixed, then cover tightly with foil and put in the oven. Let this bake for 1 hour. Try to not check on it because every time you do you’ll be letting out precious steam and your rice will be undercooked as a motherfucker. Just keep the oven at 375°F and you’re all good.
5
After 1 hour, pull out the baking dish and fluff the rice around with a fork so everything is mixed back in. If the rice isn’t all the way cooked, add another ¼ cup broth or water, cover, and bake it for another 10 minutes or so. Fold in the corn, peas, lime juice, and cilantro and mix well. Add a pinch more salt if you need it. Serve right away.
*
These can be fresh or thawed frozen stuff; not a fucking deal breaker here
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LEMONY RED LENTIL SOUP
This isn’t that boring brown lentil mush you find in places where food goes to die. We wouldn’t do you like that. The spices and lemon makes this some next-level shit that you will actually want to eat.
