Thug Kitchen: The Official Cookbook: Eat Like You Give a F*ck (4 page)

If you’re able to keep most of this shit at your place, you’ll always be able to make yourself something to eat even if your fridge is looking bare.

Every now and then you might want to know how to cook some basic shit without a long-ass recipe. We got you. Below we compiled all the info you need to whip up a basic batch of beans or grains without a ton of work. Flip back to this section any time you find a recipe that calls for cooked beans or suggests a side of grains. It’s good to cook big batches of this shit and store them in the fridge or freezer so that dinner comes together fast when you drag your ass home from work.

Basic Pot of Beans

Throwing together a pot of beans is some of the easiest shit you can do in the kitchen. You just need some patience. The steps are the same regardless of what bean you’re making, only the cooking time changes. Here are some guidelines, but trust your taste. The beans are done when at least five of them taste tender and are cooked through. One bean can be a fucking liar so taste a few. Keep simmering until you get there. Simple shit.

First, pick through the dried beans and throw out any that look fucked up, then rinse the winners. Put them in a big container and cover with a couple inches of water. They’re
going to swell up as they soak and you don’t want those bastards sticking up out the water. Soak them overnight or for at least 4 hours. This will help cut down on your cook time. Throw them in the water before you go to work and then they’re ready to cook when you get home.

When you’re ready to cook the beans, drain the soaking water and throw the beans in a pot. You can add some carrots, onions, celery, or bay leaves for flavor, but that shit is not required. Add a bunch of fresh water, about 3 times the height of the beans in the pot. Simmer this, uncovered, until the beans are tender. Add a couple pinches of salt in the last 10 minutes of cooking for flavor. Drain any extra liquid and toss out any sad-looking veggies in the pot and store the cooked beans in the fridge or freezer until you’re ready for them. No can opener required.

Here are some bean basics, but remember that shit really does change depending on how long you soaked your beans and how old they are. Math tip: Beans tend to triple in size when you cook them, so if you want to end up with 1½ cups of cooked beans (the standard can measurement), you want to start with ½ cup dried beans.

Cooking Basic Grains

Cooking grains tends to be a lot quicker than cooking beans, but these fuckers are a little more high maintenance. Just follow these grain guides for 2 to 4 servings and you should be set up. If you ever end up with extra water in the pot when your grains are done, just drain that shit off—don’t keep cooking until your grains are all mushy. Also, if you run out of water before your grains are done, just pour more in. You’re not going to fuck anything up. You got this.

Barley

This grain is nutty, chewy, and fucking delicious. Not only is it full fiber, but it’s packed tight with selenium, copper, and manganese so you know you are getting tons of nutritional bang for your buck.

There are 2 kinds of barley sold at most stores, hulled and pearled. Hulled takes longer to cook but has more good stuff than the pearled variety, which has had that shit polished off. Pearled barley is super creamy and easier to find in most places, so use whatever you got. For hulled barley, you want to add 1 cup of it to 3 cups of water on the stove with a pinch of salt. Bring it to a boil, cover, then simmer until that shit is tender, 40 to 50 minutes. For pearled barley, you keep the grain-to-water ratio the same but simmer it uncovered and start checking to see if it’s tender after 20 to 25 minutes.

Couscous

This cooks quick since technically it’s a pasta, not a grain. Look that shit up. Anyway, these tiny bastards will be ready in 10 minutes flat. Throw a cup of couscous in a pot with a lid and a pinch of salt. Add 1¼ cups boiling water, stir, and throw the lid on. No heat under the pot or anything. Let that sit for 8 minutes, then fluff the couscous with a fork and serve. Fucking done.

Millet

Millet might look like birdseed, but it deserves more love in the kitchen and is cheap as hell. It’s kinda like a mix between quinoa and brown rice and worthy of a test run on your plate. Throw 1 cup of millet in a medium pot over medium heat and sauté it around until it smells toasty, about 2 minutes. Add 2 cups of water and a pinch of salt and simmer that shit, covered, until the millet is tender, 25 to 35 minutes.

Quinoa

Some people cook this protein-packed seed like rice, but others treat it like pasta. Whatthefuckever you prefer, make sure to rinse these little
fuckers before you throw them in to cook, otherwise they can taste bitter. To cook, bring 2 cups water to boil in a medium stock pot with a pinch of salt, drop in the quinoa and simmer, uncovered, for 15 to 20 minutes or until the quinoa is tender. Drain away any water that’s left.

Brown Rice

You might think this is some hippie health food, but it brings way more nutrition and flavor to the table than white rice. We always have some in the fridge, and your ass should, too. If you’re still giving this motherfucker the side eye, try out the short grain variety (below). That nutty, delicious motherfucker will make you forget white rice altogether. You can cook the long grain variety in the same way, but know that shit will take about 15 minutes longer and an extra ½ cup of water.

BASIC BIG POT OF BROWN RICE

Serve alongside all kinds of good shit like the
Mango Curry
, or as a base in a bowl (see
How to Build a Bowl
).

MAKES 4 CUPS

1 teaspoon olive or coconut oil*

2 cups short-grain brown rice

Pinch of salt

3½ cups water

1
In a medium saucepan, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the rice and sauté that shit until it smells a little nutty, about 2 minutes. Add the salt and water and stir. Bring to a simmer, then reduce the heat, cover, and let this very softly simmer until all the water is absorbed and the rice is tender, about 35 minutes.

2
Did you fuck up the heat and the rice is tender but there’s still water? Just fucking drain it. Or rice not done but all the water is gone? Just stir in more a little more water, turn the heat down, and keep going. Don’t let some rice shake your game.

*
This step with the oil is optional, but it gives the rice a nuttier taste so it’s fucking delicious. Your call
.

If you’ve flipped through these pages or been on our site, you might have noticed that our recipes don’t use meat. Actually, our recipes don’t call for any animal products at all. We know this might be weird at first, but just fucking hear us out. According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations, Americans on average eat 270 pounds of meat a year. That is more than double the USDA recommended maximum protein consumption of 125 pounds per year. Basically, most of us are eating entirely too much meat and not mixing up our protein sources at all. So come the fuck on, the last thing anybody needs is another book coming out telling you how to cook meat. Clearly you got that shit on lock.

Eating all that meat and other animal products like cheese and eggs—while neglecting the fuck out of fruit, vegetables, and whole grains—does come with consequences. You saw that shit coming. You know about your cholesterol levels and all that, but you have a lot more to look out for. Researchers at the University of Southern California found that people with diets rich in animal proteins were four times more likely than those who ate less of it to die of cancer. They followed thousands of people for 20 years and also found that those same animal protein–loving motherfuckers were 74 percent more likely to die OF ANY CAUSE, not just cancer, during the course of the study than people with a diet low in shit like meat, cheese, and eggs. Yeah, for real. Maybe it is time to rethink what kinds of foods we eat on the regular.

You think you can’t live without meat every fucking day? Well guess what? You can’t live
with
that shit either, at least not for as long as you should. Eating more plant-based meals will not only safeguard your health, but it is a great way to get out of your dinner rut. We know you have been making the same five things for dinner for years. Time to drop some of that meat, cheese, and eggs and mix shit up. Eat like you give a fuck and your whole body will thank you. Now let’s get to it.