Tides of Hope (18 page)

It was ironic, she thought ruefully, withdrawing her key from her pocket and fitting it into the lock. The very event that had convinced her to move forward had apparently sent him into retreat.

“Will you be okay here by yourself?”

At his question, she turned. “Yes. Other than a few assorted bruises and a world-class shiner, the E.R. doc said I'm fine. And since Edith is going to give Maddie dinner, I don't even have to cook tonight. Plus, she's close by if I need anything.” She fiddled with the key. “Would you like to come in?”

He hesitated, and she thought he was going to refuse. But to her surprise, he acquiesced. “Just for a few minutes.”

Pushing the door open, she led the way inside. “Would you like something to drink?”

“No, thanks. Let's sit for a minute, okay?”

“Sure.”

She headed for the couch; he chose a chair to the right.

Not good.

She waited, but when he didn't speak she plunged in. “You're having second thoughts about us, aren't you? Because of what happened today.”

He sighed and wiped a hand down his face. “I was going to try to lead up to that a little more diplomatically.”

“Diplomacy, as you've discovered, isn't my strong suit.” Kate leaned forward intently, knowing the next few minutes were going to shape her future. “Here's the thing, Craig. I'm afraid of loss, too. But despite my grief after Mac died, I wouldn't have wanted to miss one minute of my years with him. So even though relationships don't come with guarantees, I'm willing to explore ours. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. And lonely. Do you?”

Raking his fingers through his hair, Craig rose and walked over to the French doors. She watched as he stared into her yard. The evening shadows had crept in, and the sunlight was no longer able to penetrate the tall, thick privet hedge that insulated her yard from the world. Anguish chiseled his profile, and he swallowed. Hard.

The predictable, steady tick of the antique clock on the mantel was the only sound in the tense silence as Kate prayed Craig would find the courage to let go of fear, as she had.

But when he turned and walked back, stopping behind the side chair, she knew from his bleak expression that her prayer had gone unanswered. A little piece of her heart shriveled even before he spoke.

“I wish I could get past the fear, Kate. But I watched the sea claim one family. It almost took you today. And it could happen again.” His voice choked, and he stopped. “You're out there every day. I don't know if I can live with that worry for the rest of my life.”

She folded her hands, gripping them so tightly her fingers ached. “Do you want me to promise never to set foot on a boat again? Is that what it would take to make this work?”

“I don't know what the answer is.” Distress tightened his features. “All I know is that just thinking about what might have happened today turns my blood to ice and twists my stomach into knots.”

“And calling things off between us will make you feel better?”

At her quiet question, a spasm of pain contorted his features. “Maybe not in the short term. But it might be better this way for both of us long term.”

“Better—or safer?”

“Maybe both.”

Kate looked at him for a long moment. She wished she could change his mind. But this decision had to come from within. For now, there was little she could do except give him space and time. And hope he saw the light.

Resigned, she stood. “I'll walk you to the door.”

She heard him following, and as she reached for the knob, his hand covered hers from behind.

“I'm sorry, Kate.”

The breath from his whispered words brushed her temple, and she closed her eyes.

Let him go,
a voice in her mind said.

Remind him what he's giving up,
her heart countered.

Kate listened to her heart.

Turning, she lifted her arms, put them around Craig's neck and rose on tiptoe. His hands dropped to her waist, and she moved in closer.

“Kate, I don't think this is a good idea.”

She ignored him.

Lifting her chin, she tugged on his neck until he bent his head and his lips brushed hers.

She half expected him to pull away. But to her surprise, after a brief hesitation, he drew her close and gave her exactly what she'd hoped for.

The kiss of a lifetime.

After a while, Craig eased back, breaking contact. His blue eyes had darkened to the color of the sea at sunset on a cloudless summer day, and longing simmered in their depths.

“You make it hard to walk away.” His words came out husky as his heart hammered against the fingers she'd splayed on his chest.

“I'd rather you didn't.”

The strong planes of his face flexed, as if his rigid self-control had been pushed to the breaking point. “I have too many issues, Kate. And I don't want to let this go any further unless I can resolve them.” Dropping his hands, he stepped back. “I'm sorry.”

“I am, too.” She could barely choke out the words.

For a brief second he hesitated. Then he turned, walked out the door and closed it behind him with a gentle click, leaving her alone.

Perhaps for the rest of her life.

Unless she could come up with some way to alleviate his fears without giving up the sea she loved.

T
he next ten days were the longest of Craig's life. He went through the motions at work. Paid special attention to Vicki. Conferred with Edith as his mother's wedding plans were finalized.

But his heart wasn't in any of it.

And much to his chagrin, Lillian picked up on that within an hour of her arrival, nailing him with an if-there's-anything-you'd-like-to-talk-about-I'm-available comment.

He'd declined, and much to his relief she'd been too caught up in last-minute arrangements to return to the subject—until the morning of her wedding.

Although the ceremony wasn't until one, Craig had gotten up early. Long before Vicki awakened. To his surprise, he found his mother at the kitchen table, eating an English muffin.

“Too nervous to sleep?” He grinned at her as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“I slept like a baby. You're the one who looks like he could use a good night's sleep.”

His mother might be seventy, but there was nothing wrong with her powers of perception, Craig acknowledged as he leaned back against the counter and sipped the strong brew. “I have a lot on my mind.”

“It can't have anything to do with Vicki. She's flourishing. You've done a good job with her, Craig. She seems happy and content.”

“Thanks. Having a friend her own age helped, I'm sure.”

“Yes. Edith told me all about Maddie. I met that little charmer and her mother yesterday when we settled Harold into the guest cottage behind Edith's house. Or Honeymoon Central, as Harold's calling it.” She gave him a saucy grin. “Anyway, I liked Kate. Edith said the two of you are friends.”

Pushing off from the counter, Craig stuck his head in the refrigerator on the pretext of searching for the orange juice. He'd been afraid his mother would get an earful from Edith. The two of them had become good friends during the past few weeks as they'd consulted on the wedding. “I see her a lot since Edith watches both girls.”

“Hmm.” She nibbled at her muffin. “Heather at The Devon Rose said she could accommodate one or two more people for the reception. She's used to serving high tea for much larger groups. Would you like to reconsider inviting Kate and her daughter?”

“No.”

She added some cream to her coffee, stirring it until the dark liquid was diluted to the color of rich mocha. “You know, guilt and fear can be very debilitating.”

They were approaching territory he didn't want to enter. “Isn't this kind of heavy subject matter for so early in the morning? And on such a special day? Let's talk about you.”

“I was talking about me. Who did you think I was talking about?” She gave him a shrewd look.

He'd walked right into that one, Craig thought in dismay as he took a seat at the table.

Ignoring her question, he asked one of his own. “What do you have to feel guilty or fearful about?”

“Your dad's death.”

Frowning, Craig shook his head. “I don't understand.”

She sighed and picked at her half-eaten muffin. “I never told you boys this, but I always believed it was my fault he died.”

Craig coughed on the sip of coffee he'd just taken. “That's ridiculous! He had a heart attack.”

“Shoveling snow. He was too old for that, son. But I was more worried about my bridge club ladies falling than I was about his heart. I should have paid the kid up the block to do it.”

She blinked and wiped a speck of jam off the table with a fingertip. “After I met Harold, I felt guilty about falling in love again. And I was afraid of loss. It about killed me when your dad died. So I finally took it to the Lord. And after a lot of prayer, I came to several conclusions. No one is perfect. No one can control everything. And fear not only locks us in the past, it denies us a future.”

Pushing aside her muffin, she took his hand between hers. “I don't know what regrets you harbor, or what fears are holding you back, Craig. But if I can learn to let mine go and move on at seventy, you can do it at thirty-nine.”

Patting his hand, she rose. “And now I have a wedding to get ready for.”

 

Six hours later, in a picture-perfect ceremony under a cloudless sky, Craig watched as Lillian Cole became Mrs. Harold Simmons in front of a small group of family and new friends.

His brother, Steve, stood beside Harold as best man, while Steve's wife, teenage son and preteen daughter clustered nearby. The groom's daughter, serving as matron of honor, flanked Lillian as her family—a husband, plus three boys ranging in age from about eight to fifteen—looked on. Vicki, in a white dress with a pink sash, stayed close to Lillian as the flower girl. Edith and Chester had linked arms.

Only Craig stood alone.

He was acutely conscious of his solitary status as Reverend
Kaizer commended Lillian and Harold for having the courage to begin a journey together at an age many considered too late for new beginnings and pointed out to those gathered that, as Mark wrote in scripture, all things are possible with God.

He was reminded of it again at The Devon Rose as he watched Edith and Chester share a private laugh in one corner, as Harold's daughter and son-in-law gathered their children together for a family photo and as his brother's family entertained Vicki, who was enjoying being the center of attention. Lillian and Harold had stepped into the garden for a few more pictures.

Catching sight of him, Vicki skipped over. Close on her heels was the eleven-year-old cousin she barely remembered from the whirlwind stop his brother's family had made in Washington last year on their way home from vacation in South Carolina.

“Daddy, can I go with Lauren to their beach house?”

“I'll take good care of her, Uncle Craig,” Lauren promised.

“We all will.” Steve joined the group. “It would be a nice chance for the cousins to get reacquainted. Why don't you come, too? I know we're all getting together for dinner tomorrow night, but we could extend the party for a while today. It's still early.”

The last thing Craig wanted to do was socialize. While he was happy for his mother, the wedding had left him feeling melancholy rather than upbeat.

Searching for an excuse that wouldn't sound contrived, he said the first thing that came to mind. “I need to stop by the station and see what's going on.”

“Maybe after that?”

“Depending on what I find, sure.”

“In the meantime, are you okay with us taking Vicki?” Steve bent down and tugged one of the little girl's pixie locks, making her giggle. “An uncle deserves some time with his only niece.”

Craig smiled. “That's fine with me. I'll stop by later to pick her up, if nothing else.”

“Goody!” Vicki declared.

As the party broke up and the newlyweds headed next door in a shower of birdseed to Edith's cottage—Honeymoon Central, Craig reminded himself, stifling a grin—he made the short, solitary drive home after a quick stop at the station. Ditching his uniform, he opted for jeans and a cotton shirt, rolling the sleeves to the elbows as he glanced at the photo of him and Kate and Vicki and Maddie.

They looked like a family.

Except that was an illusion.

But it could be real someday. If he could find the courage to put his fears to rest, as Kate had. And if he could make the leap of faith and put his trust in God, confident that whatever lay ahead the Lord would give him the strength to carry on.

And if he couldn't?

The shadows that had returned in the ten days since he'd broken things off with Kate would forever dim his world.

Pacing the small room, Craig felt as if the walls were closing in on him. He needed fresh air. Open space. Wide vistas.

Grabbing his keys off the dresser, he strode toward the garage. Only one place could give him what he craved. The place where his thoughts were always clearer. Where he most often felt the presence of God.

He needed the sea.

 

Ten minutes later, Craig stepped onto Dionis Beach and scanned the deserted expanse of sand.

No, not quite deserted, he amended, noting the lone figure in the distance, seated close to the water. The lone
red-haired
figure.

It was Kate.

Jolted, Craig stood motionless. What an odd coincidence
that she'd chosen this time, and this place, for contemplation, as he had.

Or perhaps it was more than coincidence, he conceded.

From the beginning, it seemed God had been pushing them together. Kate had made her peace with that. He was still fighting it.

Yet as he stood there in the ebbing daylight, watching the shadows lengthen, restraining the powerful urge to stride down the beach and take her in his arms, he had a difficult time remembering why.

Fear. That was it. He was afraid to give his heart, only to have it broken again.

As he traced her slim profile and watched the wind toss her flyaway hair, the words she'd said the night of the accident replayed in his mind.

Even though relationships don't come with guarantees, I'm willing to explore ours. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. And lonely. Do you?

No, he didn't. The last ten days had shown him how dim and dreary his life was without Kate to chase away the shadows. She'd flipped on the light for him, just as Harold had done for his mother.

And the simple truth was, he might think he could control how he felt about her. He might believe he could back off and not let himself love her. And perhaps, weeks ago, that would have been possible. But not anymore. Like it or not, she'd already staked a claim on his heart. Even if he walked away for good, Kate MacDonald would be part of him. And he'd feel her loss as keenly as if death, rather than fear, had robbed him of her presence.

His mother had been right, Craig acknowledged. If he let it, fear would deny him the future that beckoned. A future filled with joy and light and hope.

All at once, Craig felt as if a burden had been lifted from
his shoulders. Although his fears hadn't evaporated, they'd lost the power to control his life. The Lord had at last granted him what he'd been seeking for three long years, Craig realized: the gentle, sustaining peace of true rest. Plus a renewed belief that, as Reverend Kaizer had noted during today's ceremony, all things are possible with God.

His heart lighter than it had been in years, Craig strode across the sand toward the woman who was fast laying claim to his heart, the noise of the surf masking his approach.

“Hello, Kate.”

She swung around abruptly. “Craig! What are you doing here?”

He dropped down beside her, drawing up his legs and clasping his hands between his knees. She looked as weary as he felt, Craig thought. “Thinking about us. How about you?”

“The same. Where's Vicki?”

“With my brother. Where's Maddie?”

“With Edith. I heard the wedding was very nice.”

“It was perfect. Edith is quite the organizer.”

Kate's lips curved into a rueful smile. “Yeah.” Then her smile faded, and she gripped her arms around her knees. “I was going to call you after the wedding excitement died down. I've done a lot of thinking and praying over the past ten days, and I have a proposition for you. I can't promise never to set foot on a boat again, Craig. The sea is in my blood, and it will always be part of my life. But if my job is a deal breaker for us, I can sell the
Lucy Sue
and teach full-time. Because if I have to choose between making a living on the sea and giving our relationship a chance, I choose us.”

As he gazed into Kate's clear green eyes, Craig felt the pressure of tears building in his throat. Knowing how much she loved the sea, knowing how much the
Lucy Sue
meant to her, he couldn't imagine what that decision had cost her. But
it demonstrated the depth of her feelings better than any words she could have said.

Turning toward her, he took her hand in his. “I would never ask you to do that, Kate. I wouldn't want to change one aspect of who you are, and that—” he swept his hand over the expanse of sea “—is as much a part of you as it is a part of me.”

“You didn't ask. I offered.”

“I know. And I can't even put into words how much that means to me. But I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying, too. And I've come to accept that I can't secure the things that matter most. I can only thank God for the blessings in my life and enjoy them today. Because no one is promised tomorrow.

“I've also found the answer to that question you asked me the night of the accident. No, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and lonely. I'm not suggesting we rush things. Or make any assumptions. But I do think we need to move forward and see where God leads us. And maybe, if everything goes the way I hope it does, you might find yourself with a new first mate. In life, and on the
Lucy Sue
—after a certain Coast Guard lieutenant retires. What do you think?”