Tilt (65 page)

is completely up to me.

And if there’s

one thing

I want people to reflect

on when I’m gone, it’s that

I faced my fate squarely,

never tried to run.

Harley

I’m Running

With a fast crowd and I’m not

sure how I got here. Only something

like three months ago I was a total

loser nerd. I wanted to change

that, but I never expected to go

this far. In Carson, I’m getting a rep,

and it’s from hanging out with Chloe.

I like her. But I’m kind of scared

of her, too. She’s fearless, especially

when it comes to risky behaviors.

The kind they warn us about in health

class. Doesn’t stop her, and when

I’m with her, it doesn’t really stop

me. I feel like a different person.

What’s weird is nobody seems to

have noticed. Not Mom. Not Dad.

Not Cassie. Adults get so caught

up in their own problems, they lose

sight of their kids. Keep believing

we’re angels when we’re so not.

When I’m Busy Running

I think that’s good. When I have

time to consider the overall picture,

I still want someone to care enough

to slow me down. The only one who

seems to anymore is Bri. I can’t tell

her everything. She already lectures

me. If she knew about the weed

and stuff, she’d probably disown me.

She doesn’t really like Lucas,

so when we’re together, like now,

I try not to talk about him too

much. The problem is, I don’t have

a lot of other stuff
to
talk about.

“You’re coming to the wedding, aren’t

you? You’ll die when you see me

in my bridesmaid dress. It’s totally rad.”

What’s so rad about it? Is it tie-dye

or something weird like that?

“Not that weird. It’s scarlet. And short.

And pretty low-cut. Cassie had to buy me

a strapless bra, with major push-up power

to help me fill it out. I found cleavage!”

She laughs.
You’ve always had a lot

more of that than I do. Call me flat.

We are in her room, listening to

Pink sing about how she wants to be

somebody else. “Do you ever feel

like that? Like you have to change

everything about yourself to get

where you want to be, or think you do?”

Now she’s quiet. Finally, she answers,

“Think you do” says a lot, you know?

It Does, and So Does Her Response

And I’m really glad that, despite

everything else going on in my life,

she is still here. Still my best friend.

We talk about her—now obviously—

pregnant sister, who plans to stay in

school until the semester break.

Dylan broke up with her. Can

you believe it? And he’s going out

with his old girlfriend again. Jerk.

I can believe it. “Boys are dogs.”

But, sometimes, so are girls. Which

prompts, “What’s up with your mom?”

Bri shrugs.
I have no idea. She’s

here, but barely. I know she misses

your mom, though. She needs a friend.

Now I shrug. “My mom’s a prude.

She needs to learn not to judge . . .”

Shit . . . Shoot. “No one should be judged.”

I Don’t Know

If that’s true. I only know

I wouldn’t want to be judged.

Especially not by my best

friend. Mrs. Carlisle isn’t

perfect. But neither is Mom.

What’s weird is, Bri is

more like my mom and

I am more like hers. Except,

am I, really? Because when

I’m here, goofing off with

Bri, I feel more like the real

me. The Harley who runs

with Lucas and Kurt and

Chloe is a fake. But I’m not

sure how to get rid of her.

If I did, would I get bored

and restless and angry because

everyone would treat me like

a child again? I’m afraid

it’s too late to turn back now.

So, After Mom Picks Me Up

I’ll be going to my dad’s, who

allows me to go out on Saturday

night. Mom would probably croak

if she knew. But he and I made a pact

not to tell her.
As long as you stay

out of trouble, there’s no reason

for her to know,
is what he said.

But if you get in trouble, I do, too.

I promised to be good, and so far

have managed to avoid any sort of

trouble, although Halloween was close.

Some busybody saw us smashing

pumpkins and called the cops.

Luckily, Chloe knew a couple

of alley shortcuts and we got away.

I thought I’d pee my pants. Instead,

I heaved beer. Not attractive.

Even worse, Kurt took a pic.

When I asked him why, he said,

To commemorate the occasion.

I had no idea what he meant

by that, but the next day when

I signed on to my Facebook,

I saw he had tagged me in a picture.

I couldn’t believe he had posted

that one, with my name on it. You

couldn’t see my face, but you could

pretty much guess what I was doing.

I untagged myself and called Lucas.

“Why would he do that?” I demanded.

“Tell him to take it down! Please?”

Lucas’s first reaction was to laugh.

Ah, come on. It’s just a joke.

Where’s your sense of humor?

Kurt removed it eventually, and

no one I know has said anything

about it. But that was just so mean.

And Lucas thought it was funny.

It’s Late Afternoon

When Mom gets to Bri’s. She comes

into the kitchen, where Bri and I are

helping Mrs. Carlisle chop vegetables

for soup. My hands smell like celery

and onions. Weird, but I kind of like

it.
Looks like you’ve got some great

helpers,
Mom says.
Do you have a few

minutes to catch up? It’s been a while.

Bri’s mom looks pleased.
Of course.

It
has
been a while. Will you excuse us,

girls? The potatoes and carrots need

to be cut up. Something to drink, Andrea?

Mom declines and they go sit at the big

kitchen table in the dining area.

Bri and I keep busy with our knives,

but we both tune into the conversation

on the other side of the room. It is friend

to friend, unstrained, at least at first.

They Start with the Usual

How have you been stuff. Move

quickly to deeper sounding.

Mrs. C.:
How is Marissa doing?

Things still good with Chris and her?

Mom:
Stable, I guess. But she got

the wild idea to look into in-vitro.

She went through all kinds of tests.

Ultimately, the doctors told her

if she really wants another baby

to consider adoption. I’m not sure

how Chris feels about diapers and

formula and sleepless nights.