Time for Grace (12 page)

And because of that and Grace, Sarah knew she wouldn’t trade a second of their short time together. They would always be good memories and no amount of regret could make them anything but.

Scott hadn’t wasted a minute of his life. He’d reached out and squeezed every last moment out of it. She knew he’d died without regret because of that. That had been his final message to her relayed though a medic.

Kip was wrong.

He didn’t understand grief. A year—a week—a day together would be better than spending years depriving themselves of happiness and living with the futility of time wasted forever because of the fear of the eventual pain of loss.

He was determined to deny them years’ worth of precious moments. Moments that would never happen if he got his way.

He had no right to make a unilateral decision. No right at all.

Sarah slept late the next day. When she got up she called Kip but got his machine. She didn’t leave a message but did call Agape Air to see if he was around. Joy told her he’d flown a load of merchandise to Atlanta and wouldn’t be back till later in the night. His partner didn’t sound any happier about him taking the flight than Sarah was.

She revised her plan. Sunday. She’d see him Sunday at the Christmas Eve service and talk some sense into him. But Kip was a no-show there, too.

Monday was Christmas. She went to CHOP to spend the morning with Grace. She’d ordered some of the little T-shirts off the Internet site that Kip had found in the magazine. His thoughtfulness still touched her. There she learned that Kip had delivered a gift to the NICU for Grace. It was a baby doll the exact size, coloring and look of a micro preemie like Grace.

One of the nurses told her she’d seen the dolls on the Internet too, linked to the site where she’d bought the cute little tees. They were specially made by a company that produced handmade, hand-painted baby dolls their customers could have built and painted to look exactly the way they wanted. The little blond baby doll with the soft downy hair must have cost him a small fortune.

Sarah took it home with her and laid it in Grace’s crib to hold the place for her daughter till she could come home. Then she headed across the drive to Miriam’s where she’d been invited to spend the day.

Sarah couldn’t wait to see Kip now for yet another reason. She missed him and wanted to thank him for his thoughtfulness. And the longer she waited to try showing him the error of this thinking, the more nervous she got that he wouldn’t listen.

She arrived only to learn that at the last minute, Kip had changed his plans. Instead of spending the day with his sister and the rest of the family, he’d decided to fly to Florida to spend the holidays with his mother and her husband. He wasn’t to return till after New Year’s Day.

Miriam thought the idea of having all his sisters and nieces and nephews under one roof had scared him away. Sarah knew better.

She had.

After an early dinner, Sarah returned to the NICU to spend the evening with Grace. Her friend Mary Jane arrived late on Tuesday the twenty-sixth with Sarah’s car. For the rest of the week, they divided their time between visits with Grace and seeing historic sights in and around Philadelphia. There were more to see than Sarah had imagined so the week was thankfully a busy one without much time for thought.

Grace was once again swiftly gaining ground. Seeing her baby actually beginning to interact with her environment and caregivers gave Sarah great hope that Grace had a healthy, happy future ahead. For the first time there was talk of Grace going home. The entire NICU team were shooting for some time in early spring. Sarah celebrated the news with Mary Jane but couldn’t help wishing she were celebrating with Kip.

Mary Jane flew home to West Virginia on Saturday the thirtieth and Sarah watched Miriam and Gary’s brood on New Year’s Eve to give the couple a night on the town. Sarah tried to put Kip out of her mind as much as she could but it wasn’t easy because everywhere she looked in her apartment she could picture him from the day he helped move her things in. It was no different at the hospital or church.

School started up again on January second. It might be a new year but Sarah had been forced to carry old baggage into it. Blessedly, her nerves had disappeared and she was fighting mad again.

She checked the bulletin board as soon as she arrived at school that morning and learned much to her delight that there was basketball practice scheduled for three that afternoon. Just this once, Grace would have to forgive her for being late for their time together. Because Sarah had every intention of ambushing Kip after practice.

What was the old adage? All’s fair in love and war. Well, there was plenty of love and this was war. She intended to tell him he had no right to make the decision he had on his own. That it should be her choice, too.

Her parents had made decisions that had affected her for years and deprived her of their guidance and love.

Sarah Harris Bates was done suffering in silence, which Kip Webster would find out as soon as she ran him to ground!

K
ip watched the varsity basketball team horsing around as they headed for the showers. They’d done great in their first practice since before the holidays. One of the senior stars tossed a final ball toward the basket and turned away before it threaded neatly through the net, supremely confident of his aim.

This crew was a real handful. But they were good kids and he was glad the seniors would get their chance in front of the college scouts. He smiled and returned the wave of the last player to exit the gym into the locker room.

After racking the basketballs, Kip pivoted away and loped across the gym to grab his jacket out of the small coach’s office where he’d left it. He had a week-long charter scheduled in a little over two hours. Once he was sure the team had cleared out, he had to be on his way.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he strode into the closet-sized office and heard Sarah say, “How was your Christmas?”

He stopped just inside the door and drank in the sight of her. She’d scarcely been out of his thoughts since the last time he saw her. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t erase the sight of her crying over his destiny and the relationship they would never have. But no matter how much that sight haunted him and no matter how much he’d missed her, he had to save her from the grief his aunt, mother and grandmother had suffered. His own pain would be worth it if she eventually found happiness.

He tried to sound impersonal and detached when he answered her question. “My Christmas was fine. You shouldn’t be here, Sarah. I don’t want to have to give up this church or my coaching role with the team but I will if it’ll keep us apart. I thought you agreed with me.”

She nodded. “I did at first. But then I realized that it was cowardly of me. I never saw myself in that light before, and I have to admit I didn’t like it. What about you? Are you going to throw away what you admit we could build between us out of fear? I never thought of you as a coward either.”

Kip swallowed. He didn’t know how much more he could take. He walked around behind the desk and sank carefully into the chair. “I’m only afraid of hurting you. I’ll be in the throne room, basking in the glory of the Lord’s presence. You’ll be back here dealing with grief and money problems.”

“Let’s look at finances, shall we? Is your partnership in Agape Air written up in a way that says the partner who predeceases the other gives back the proceeds to the surviving member? Or have you named heirs who will benefit?”

He stared at her. The woman was smart. He’d give her that. She was also dangerous to his peace of mind. “Thirty percent of the Agape’s profits will go into an educational trust for my nieces and nephews. Twenty percent reverts to Joy since she’ll be the one running the company.”

He’d purposely said
will
and not
would
because he wanted her to understand there was no chance of anything else happening.

A little frown crinkled up her forehead. “My, you do think ahead. You have real control issues, you know.”

The sarcasm from Sarah took him by surprise. He hadn’t been ready for that. “These events aren’t that far ahead at all, Sarah.”

She shrugged. “My point is that any children we have will be cared for.”

He gritted his teeth at her use of the certainties he’d lived with for fourteen years and had tried to use in order to bring home to her the reality of his life—and death. She had her ducks in a row. He’d give her that, too.

Before he could think of any further rebuttal, she went on. “So then there is the grief you mentioned. You think it won’t be a comfort to me that I’ll know you’re happy? And that I’ll know I’ll see you again? You’d be very wrong. Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. It is a comfort to know Scott is in a better place even though he’s not here with Grace and me. But, you’re right. There
is
grief. There
will
be grief for the loss of you.”

“I’m trying to save you that,” he told her emphatically.

She shook her head. “Let me tell you something about grief. It’s lessened,
not
heightened, when you can look back on wonderful memories. Not for one second have I ever wished I hadn’t met Scott. Not for one second have I ever wished I hadn’t let him talk me into marrying him. He gave me Grace. Even if he hadn’t given me her, he gave me funny, lighthearted, spontaneous memories. I wouldn’t trade them for an absence of the grief I felt at his passing.

“Would you wish away your seven years’ worth of memories of your father? Do you think your grandmother would wish away the memories of her sons? Do you think your mother wishes she’d never met your father? Ask her, Kip. Ask her if she would have refused to share his life when he asked if he’d also told her about his family history.
Ask
her.”

She stood, apparently having said her piece. He should have been relieved. But once she left, he knew he’d be bereft of her presence. He’d no longer be able to watch the sun dancing in her silky hair. He wouldn’t have that pert nose to admire. When she left she’d take those beautifully shaped lips with her—the lips he yearned to kiss into silence.

“I have one more question, then I have to get to the hospital,” she added. “What makes you think I won’t walk in front of a car next year?”

Kip nearly smiled. Serious and heart-wrenching as this conversation was, it struck him that he’d found one more appealing and endearing quality about Sarah. He enjoyed matching wits with her as much as he enjoyed laughing with her. Then he thought of a way to combat the clever way she’d twisted his logic with a twist of his own. “All the more reason I’m not the man for you. If you’re that careless, our children will be completely orphaned in eight years. Who will raise them?”

Sarah stared at him gravely for a long moment. She was good at creating those still moments during which she thought about her answer without looking uncomfortable for not having a ready answer. She crossed her arms and those soft-as-velvet eyes pierced his heart. “I would imagine your sisters would step in, but think about this, Kip. If we aren’t married and something does happen to me, what would Grace’s life be like? How long do you think it will be before my parents stick her in a nice, tidy little boarding school where she’ll have to look to strangers for guidance and affection?”

With that last zinger delivered, she wheeled away and walked back out of his life.

The motel near the airport in Hollywood, Maryland was a combination of suites and short stay rooms. And not bad as far as comforts went for a tiny town an hour southeast of Washington, Kip decided as he perused the services brochure. He might just head on down to the health club and work off a little of his frustration.

His clients on this week-long trip were a group of four businessmen who were trying to sell the various branches of the armed forces some sort of computer training system. In typical government inefficiency the people responsible for those decisions weren’t all located at the Pentagon where he would have expected but were stationed at various bases around the county. The salesmen had too much expensive equipment to risk on clumsy airport baggage handlers, so they’d hired Agape.

Tomorrow they’d be off to San Diego, and after a one-day layover, they’d head to the San Francisco Bay Area for two days. Then it was on to Colorado Springs before returning them home. He’d be gone a full week by then.

Kip had managed to keep his mind focused on his flying but now, in the near silence of his motel room, it strayed back to the confrontation with Sarah earlier in the day. He couldn’t help wondering if she was right. Or if her analysis was wishful thinking? Then again maybe he’d been wrong all this time? Could he even ask his mother the question Sarah had challenged him to ask, knowing it might open a potentially hot topic?

He sighed. Sarah was right about his memories of his dad. He wouldn’t trade them. But would his mother?

There was really no way to find out but to ask.

Before he could chicken out, Kip picked up his cell phone and called his mom. He nearly hung up when it started to ring, but then she answered.

“Mom, it’s Kip,” he said when he heard her sunny voice.

“Hi, honey. How’s the pilot biz?”

“Fine, Mom. How’s Sam? Did he enjoy the golf tourney?”

“He loved it and did well. We’re so glad we bought a place on the edge of the course. He gets in so much more practice these days. Which leaves me more time for my hobbies.”

“Are you happy, Mom?” he asked, his tone serious.

“Happy? Son, you were just here. Couldn’t you tell?”

Kip relaxed against the pile of pillows on the bed and crossed his ankles. “I just wondered if you’re afraid all the time that something might happen to him. You know, the way it did with Dad.”

His mother chuckled. “Ever hear the old saying: The only sure things in this world are death and taxes. In case you’re wondering, it’s true. Much as I love Sam, I know he’ll die one day and that I may be the one left behind. I refuse to live in fear, especially since it could just as easily go the other way. Me first. He’d be the one grieving a second wife’s death, then.”

Kip struggled to voice the question Sarah had challenged him to ask. Finally he just blurted it out. “Mom, are you ever sorry about marrying Dad?”

“Kip! Of course not. I loved your father to distraction! Why would you think I’d be sorry?”

“Well, because he left you in such a financial mess with five kids to raise on your own. And you cried at night for months.”

“I loved him. I missed him terribly. But by wishing away my marriage I’d have wished away my children. And you know the financial mess wasn’t that bad. We had a house paid for with his insurance money. But five kids are a lot of expense. I loved all of you too much to ever wish for the easy way out.”

“Even the one just like him,” he added, waiting to see if she understood.

“Do you mean you because you’re a man or because you look so very much like your father? Why would you think I’d regret having a son who reminds me of Kevin?”

Full of nervous energy, Kip got to his feet and paced across the room to the windows. “Maybe because I’ll die the way he did,” he said and even he heard the tension in his voice.

His mother’s shock was evident in her one-word reply. “What?”

“I know, Mom. I know about his heart. And Uncle Galen’s. I know about my grandfather and my great-grandfather. I remember Grandmom at his funeral and at Uncle Galen’s and how she cried.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I know it all. I know that you’ll live to see me dead. I’ve known for years. Since I was eighteen.”

“Emily.” His mother’s voice was exasperated, then angry. “She just had to meddle!”

“I’m glad she did. I’ve always worried about leaving some poor woman grieving and burdened with my kids.”

“Stop right there, mister! How dare you?”

Her anger shocked Kip. His mother hadn’t shouted at him like that since he put the snake in his sister’s bed.

“Mom—”

“Don’t you
Mom
me. You children were your father’s
and
mine and you were never a burden. And I know Emily put that in your head. I heard her saying it enough.”

“But you had to work so hard.”

“No harder than I did as a housewife. And not harder than Emily, who I mean to have a serious talk with.”

“Mom, I didn’t call to cause trouble between you two. I only asked because Sarah said—”

His mother sounded way too interested when she said, “Sarah? Your sister’s new tenant?”

Thinking on his feet Kip replied, “We got into a philosophical discussion about my situation,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant and keeping strictly to the truth. It had been a discussion on his philosophy on his life. And his death.

“What situation?” she asked, then before he could answer his mother audibly sucked in a shocked breath.

“Oh, honey, please tell me this isn’t why you’re single. No. Don’t say a thing. You already more or less admitted it. This is why you’ve barely ever dated. Kip, you’re wasting your life.”

“I have a very full life, Mom,” he told her, trying to soothe her worry. But since meeting Sarah he felt as if the blinders had been ripped from his eyes. Occasional dissatisfaction and lonesomeness had turned into discontent and loneliness.

“Kip, you’re busy but that isn’t the rich full life you deserve. Oh, I just want to slap that meddlesome old woman upside the head!”

“Don’t kid me,” said Kip, trying to lighten her anger. “You don’t have a violent bone in your body. And may I remind you she’s three years younger than you are, Mom, so you really ought to watch calling her old,” he added, hoping to distract his mother.

“Oh, Emily was old the day she was born. And she’s as needy today as she was then, too,” his mother said, scorn rife in the tone. “Why do you think she moved in with us? Because she couldn’t survive on her own, let alone with those girls, that’s why. I couldn’t sit by and watch that happen.

“Now about this Sarah I’m hearing so many praises about, tell me all about her and don’t leave out a thing.”

How to describe Sarah? Should he tell her about her sweet disposition. Considering their last conversation and the way she’d gone to bat for her child, maybe sweet wasn’t the right word. But most of the time sweet was close.