Timeless (16 page)

I carried my tray, heading in the opposite
direction of my normal table. So far, no one seemed to notice. I
found the picnic tables and sat down, but I couldn’t eat. Opening
my bag, I took out my history book instead and started to read to
distract myself.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” I
heard.

Ben had found me.

“Oh, just studying for the history exam we
have coming up,” I answered, not looking up.

“But that isn’t for another week,” he
protested, laughing.

“I know. I thought I’d get a head start.”

He looked puzzled. I liked reading stories,
but I wasn’t exactly the studious type.

He took a seat beside me, straddling the
bench so that he faced me. Coward that I was, I still couldn’t look
at him. I could already feel the blush starting.

“What’s up with you lately, Em?” he asked
more gently.
Should I do it now? Later? I’d never broken up with anyone before.
Should I tell him I still loved him but that I loved someone else
more?

“Ben, I…” I began.

The bell rang. Lunch was over, and I was
never more relieved.

Ben started to gather my books to carry.

“No, I got it,” I said, trying to take the
books from him.

“Emily, I don’t know what’s wrong with you,
but I wish you’d snap out of it,” he said, irritated.

He placed my books on the table and walked
away.

I knew that I deserved much worse than that.
I slowly stacked my books and put them back into my bag. I really
wanted to leave, to get into the Saratoga and just go. But I’d have
to face Ben at some point, and he deserved better than this. I
wished I could tell him what was going on—we had shared everything
since childhood. But how? How could I tell him this?

****

The rest of the day passed quickly. Ben
didn’t walk with me to my classes, and we didn’t look at each other
in history class.

We both turned in our permission slips to Mr.
Dean, and I caught up with Ben after class by the lockers.

“Ben,” I called, adrenaline pumping through
my veins. “I’ll see you outside. Meet me by the Saratoga,” I said
nervously.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he
asked carefully. I could tell he was tense.

I nodded. What did it matter if it wasn’t the
entire truth?

The last class ended, and the final bell
rang. The time had come. I detoured into the bathroom before
heading out, biding my time. I didn’t want an audience for what I
was about to do.

I knew I’d stalled long enough—literally—and
made my way out to the parking lot. Ben leaned against Aunt Jo’s
car, a little perturbed, I could tell, that I was so late.

“Where were you? I thought you weren’t going
to show,” he said.

“Yeah, sorry,” I muttered, looking at my
feet. I noticed two holes in my shoes.

I didn’t know how to begin.

“Emily, you know I love you, but you have got
to start talking to me,” Ben began, taking my hand.

That hurt. How was I going to do this?

“Ben, I love you too,” I started, regretting
that I’d begun that way when I saw his face light up.

“But…” I continued.

“But?” he asked, surprised.

“But I want to break up,” I said abruptly,
dropping his hand.

There, it was out.

“What?” He sounded like he hadn’t heard
correctly.

All I could do was look at him
helplessly.

“Emily, why?” he asked. I heard the anguish
in his voice.

“I’m sorry, I can’t explain it,” I said,
turning away from the pain I saw reflected in his eyes.

“Well, you better start trying,” he answered,
starting to become really angry now.

I wanted to tell him, but it was much harder
than trying to tell Aunt Jo.

“I love somebody else,” I said, immediately
wishing I could take it back as soon as I said it. The look in his
eyes was enough to break my heart.

“Who is he?” he asked quietly.

“Nobody you know,” I said. That was true, at
least.

“I want to know,” he persisted.

I was silent.

“Emily,” he growled.

“His name is Damien,” I finally said.

“What kind of stupid name is that? Who is
this guy? Where did you meet him?” he fired off.

I couldn’t answer any of his questions. I
might not tell him everything, but I couldn’t lie to him.

I felt the tears on my face and could see
that Ben fought them as well.

“How did this happen?” he wondered, almost to
himself.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered to him, wanting
to offer some comfort without knowing how.

I reached out for him, but he flinched as
though my hand burned.

It had been a mistake to break up with him
like this. I couldn’t just drive off and leave him, but I needed to
get away. The Duchess was right; I was a coward.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this. It’s like
you just changed overnight. I know you’ve been acting strange
lately, but come on, Emily, what did I do?” he asked, starting to
cry for real now. I’d never seen Ben in tears before.

“You didn’t do anything,” I said, hoping to
reassure him.

I was about to add the old line, it’s me, not
you, but then remembered how cliché that sounded. But it was true.
He hadn’t changed. I’d just discovered a past life.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore,” he
said bitterly.

“I don’t know myself.”

“Is this about your mom?”

“What?”

Is this one of those stages of grief?”

Ben was thinking much as Aunt Jo had this
morning. It was such an easy out. I wanted to tell him, yes, I’m
messed up because Mom died. But I didn’t want to disrespect him or
her memory by lying.

“No. This has nothing to do with her. This is
all me. I’m sorry; I wish I could be different. But I can’t,” I
finished.

“Emily, have you been cheating on me?” he
asked in a low voice.

When Ben got angry, he twitched the fingers
of his right hand. I saw him doing that now.

Had I been cheating on him? Did dreaming
count? I decided that my past life didn’t because I couldn’t
control it—quite the opposite. It seemed to control me.

I needed to tell Ben something. His looked
furious.

“No, Ben, I do love you, but I love him
more,” I answered, taking off the ring he’d given me and handing it
back.

He looked at me and then the ring, not taking
it.

“You say you love me? You don’t even know
what love is,” he said, almost spitting the words out at me.

He turned and got into his pick-up, slamming
the door and driving off. I didn’t think he’d believed the part
about me not cheating on him. Maybe it was better that way. If he
thought the worst of me, maybe he could heal more quickly.

I hated hurting him, but the sense of loss I
felt for our broken relationship could not compare with the grief
I’d felt this morning when I realized I might never see Damien
again.

I stared after Ben’s disappearing truck,
alone with my thoughts.

My past life had just erased all the years I
had with Ben. Could a person survive losing two great loves in the
space of a week?

****

When I got home, I had twenty messages
waiting for me on the answering machine, ten of them from Annie. I
hit “delete all” and then unplugged the phone. There was absolutely
no one in this life I wanted to talk to just now.

Aunt Jo and I didn’t say much over dinner,
but she’d fixed pizza and macaroni and cheese, my two favorite
foods, and let me drink all the soda I wanted. Usually, I only got
one can when I got home, then it was milk at dinner, a tradition
Mom had started when I was a kid. I could’ve protested—I was
sixteen, after all—but it made me feel connected to her.

For dessert, we had chocolate cake, cookies,
and apple pie. Aunt Jo had followed the recipes for all my
favorites. She must have baked all day.

I gave a few hearty tries, but I couldn’t
eat. I felt too miserable.

Aunt Jo made no comment about Ben. She knows
how bad it is, I thought. The Duchess was extra kind too, rubbing
herself against my legs and parking herself on my feet while we
ate. She stayed with me all through dinner.

Aunt Jo offered to braid my hair and give me
a facial—something we had done together with Mom when I was a
little girl—but I wasn’t in the mood.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, clearing the table, “but
I think I’m going straight to bed,” I said, loading the dishwasher,
one of the only modern conveniences we had in the house.

For once, I actually wanted to have the
dream, even if it was a nightmare. I thought that at least I’d see
him then. I desperately needed to know that this was real, that I
hadn’t just destroyed everything good with Ben for nothing.

Sleep eluded me. The Duchess kept me company,
purring softly at moments when I couldn’t hold back the tears.

Oh Duchess, I thought, what will I do?

She got up and pranced over to the armoire,
which I’d left open before going to bed. Climbing inside, she
lifted one paw to point at the ivory dress hanging up.

I hope you’re right, I told her silently.

****

The next morning, everyone had gathered in
the parking lot before the bell rang for first period. I parked the
Saratoga beside Annie’s Honda, but I didn’t see her outside. I
looked around for Ben, but I didn’t see him either.

Angela Rossi stood with the rest of the
cheerleaders. They stared at me, a herd of dumb cows with large,
stupid eyes. I walked by, catching only part of the conversation.
It was not hard to guess who it was about.

“So then, I heard that Ben told her to get
lost. I mean, we all kind of expected it. She’s a total loser,”
Angela said loudly, hoping, I was sure, that I would hear. Word had
gotten round, and Angela had taken sides, concocting an entirely
new story.

I didn’t wait around to deny or defend
myself. Who cared what they thought?

I sat down beside Annie in first period,
grateful for once that it was math, not English. I wasn’t up to
seeing Ben just yet.

We had some time before class started.

“I heard about you and Ben,” she began.

“Yeah,” I answered, looking down to avoid
meeting her eyes.

“Why didn’t you call me?” she asked.

I could hear the hurt in her voice.

“I just didn’t feel like talking,” I said. It
was the truth.

“Zack told me that you told Ben that you
loved some other guy,” she said.

I looked up briefly and then down again to my
desk. I couldn’t meet Annie’s eyes. I felt too much guilt. I
should’ve stayed home today.

“Well? Who is he?” she prodded.

Annie was closer to the truth than anyone,
having gone with me initially to see Ramona. But I couldn’t talk
about it now.

“Listen, don’t take this the wrong way, but I
really don’t feel like talking about it. Maybe later,” I
finished.

“Okay, but I think you should know that
Angela is already spreading rumors that Ben dumped you,” she
warned.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yes. Tell everyone that.”

“But that isn’t what happened, is it?”

“No, but it’s the least I can do for
Ben.”

“Well, okay, if you say so…”

She gave me a questioning look.

We fell silent for a moment and then Annie
looked nervously at me and bit her lip, a clear indication that she
wanted to ask something risky.

“Have you been cheating on Ben?” she asked,
barely above a whisper. Ben must have told Zack about our
conversation.

In a way, I had been cheating on him. Every
kiss that Damien had given me, every look, sigh, or caress was a
betrayal of Ben. The fact that I couldn’t help it or that I hadn’t
experienced it in this life didn’t change my feelings. At least I’d
broken up with Ben once I’d realized how I felt.

I shot Annie a look.

“Okay, okay, I get it. You don’t want to
talk,” she said, exasperated.

“Thank you,” I said, glad for the reprieve.
Was the entire day going to be this way?

Our teacher, Mr. Winters walked in the door
and started class. For once, I was glad for the distraction that
math could provide, even if I had a hard time actually
concentrating. Normally the minutes ticked by slowly, but today
they seemed to fly. I dreaded second period, not wanting to see Ben
or have everyone watch our first encounter after the break up.

I didn’t know if he would show up for second
period, but he did. I knew it was going to be a tough class for
both of us.

I took my seat beside him and saw the dark
circles under his red-rimmed eyes. He looked as though he hated
me.

We didn’t speak throughout the entire class,
and Ben got up to leave first. I knew I’d see him again for
chemistry and then history, but at least the initial encounter was
over.

Chemistry was harder. We had a lab to do, and
Ben was usually my partner. Before taking my seat, I asked Mr.
Clayton if he’d let me change seats and partner with Annie. I knew
it might hurt Ben, who couldn’t help but overhear my request, but I
thought it might be easier for him than having to work with me. Mr.
Clayton looked surprised but easily traded my seat with Zack’s. I
guessed that perhaps even he’d heard about the break up as well. He
looked at me with sympathy. I sincerely hoped that Angela’s version
of the story was the one people believed. I owed Ben that, at
least.

I took my place by Annie three rows away from
Ben, but I could feel his eyes on me. I hoped that history class
would be easier. We didn’t have assigned seating, so it would be
easier to sit away from him.

When the bell rang to change classes, I
waited for the room to clear before I left. I didn’t want to risk
bumping into Ben on the way out.

I was the last to enter Mr. Dean’s class and
the only student to take a front row seat. I could feel everyone’s
eyes on me, but I didn’t look back. Fortunately, I didn’t get
called on. The bell rang, and I knew the next part would be tricky.
Everyone was bringing up their insurance forms for the trip, and I
wanted to be the last to turn mine in.