To Be a Family (Harlequin Superromance) (17 page)

Watching the warm, vibrant woman waste away during her long
battle with cancer had been almost as agonizing as if she were his own mother.
But she wasn’t. With the focus of sympathy on the Henning kids no one had
thought to help him through the grieving process.

“If I hadn’t been shipped off to Afghanistan when Katie got
sick I’d have helped you try to talk sense into her about her treatment,” Riley
went on.

“She’s so stubborn. I’m not sure she would have listened to
you, either.”

“I forgave you the first time you left my sister in the lurch,”
Riley continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “But if you were to hurt her a second
time— Let’s just say, in the SAS they taught us to kill a man with our bare
hands.” Riley met his gaze. He looked every inch the battle-hardened soldier who
could, and would, take him apart if justified.

John accepted the threat as his due. He didn’t blame Riley but
he’d never wanted to hurt Katie. “If I were lucky enough to have a second
chance, I wouldn’t leave her again.”

“I tend to believe you. But how do you know?”

He would die himself before he walked away from Katie again.
But he took Riley’s point.
He
knew. But actions, not
words, convinced men like him and Riley and, more importantly, Katie. Not that
he wanted to test his conviction by Katie getting sick.

Maybe asking her to go away with him was a mistake. Alone
together in the evenings after Tuti had gone to bed there would only be one
thing on his mind. If she wanted the same thing, if they made love—his body
tightened at the thought—and then their relationship fell apart for
any
reason, she could still get hurt. Hell, he could
get hurt, too, but that he could handle. What he couldn’t handle was being
responsible for Katie’s pain. Not again.

“I just know.”

“All I’m saying, mate, is be careful with my sister.”

“You can count on me.”

John sat staring at the wall for a long time after Riley left.
What if taking care of Katie meant leaving her alone? What if he couldn’t make
her happy?

No, he could. Deep down, he believed they were meant to be
together. This was his chance to step up. He would win her, no matter what it
took. He wanted to be able to offer her something bigger than a week at the
beach, although that would be a start. He wanted to give her a whole new life.
Not because her life at present wasn’t good. But for the two of them to be
together, maybe Summerside wasn’t the best place to live. Bad memories might be
holding them back. With a fresh start things could be different.

He fished out the newsletter and went over the requirements
again for the post on Tinman Island. Then he booted up his computer and began to
update his résumé.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

H
ER
BRAIN
WAS
paralyzed. It had
simply stopped functioning. Katie stared at the blank computer screen and tried
not to panic. But she was stuck, blocked by a knotty problem in the story. Her
fountain of creativity had dried up like a billabong in a ten-year drought.

On the desktop calendar her deadline was highlighted in
screaming yellow. That usually got the juices flowing. Not today. Not yesterday,
either. Or the day before. Had she burned out as a writer? Wasn’t it too soon
for that? She’d only written one book. Why on earth had she agreed to a
three-book contract, to be delivered in one year?

It didn’t help that she was having trouble sleeping. The past
few nights, ever since Tuti’s birthday party, she’d tossed and turned,
alternately reliving John’s kiss and going over in agonizing detail every word
of his flirty exchange with Candice. Her imagination might be on the blink but
her memory was working way too well. What if she hadn’t been at the party? Would
he have been even friendlier to Candice? Paula said he wasn’t dating but maybe
he’d simply been too busy with Tuti. The two kisses he’d shared with her
wouldn’t mean much to a man who dispensed them all over town.

Katie couldn’t think about the party without remembering those
awful, hateful words Alison had spewed at her. She understood the dynamic of a
mother’s defense of her offspring. She’d seen plenty of that with the parents of
her students. But she’d almost become a member of Alison’s family. She hated
that there were bad feelings between them. Tuti could have been the link that
drew them together, except that Alison was jealous of her relationship with her
granddaughter. Surely that would change if Alison learned not to crowd Tuti.

Katie indulged in a little fantasy of joining John and Tuti and
John’s parents at the beach cottage. She would be an intermediary between Alison
and Tuti, bringing grandmother and granddaughter closer, and as a result, bring
herself back in Alison’s good graces.

The fantasy became problematic when she mulled over the
sleeping arrangements. She could easily see herself and John sharing a bedroom
but not with Alison and Marty across the hall—

She shook her head back to reality. Alison and Marty weren’t
going.

Should she go? She wasn’t usually this indecisive, but this
simple getaway would throw her and John into intimate surroundings. Was that
what she wanted? Were they ready?

Katie rose from her computer and walked over to the window. Old
Mr. Neilson across the street was painting the trim on his redbrick house a
bright peach. The man must be color-blind.

Hmm, could she use that in her story somehow? What if Monkey
was color-blind? Except that she’d started thinking of Tuti as Monkey and from
her drawings at school she knew Tuti loved color.

Tuti would be at the beach cottage. After she went to bed it
would be just her and John… No TV. No internet. What would they do with their
time? Perhaps a romantic glass of wine on the porch watching the sun sink into
the ocean. Followed by cuddling on the couch in front of the wood-burning stove.
And after that…

Oh,
now
she had ideas.
Now
her imagination was working.

The doorbell rang.

Paula stood on her porch holding a pizza box in one hand and a
bottle of red wine in the other. As if on cue, Katie’s stomach rumbled.

“Did I dream you?” Katie stepped back to let her in.

“I know you only eat certified organic but we’ll sprinkle the
pizza with chia seeds and call it health food.” Paula bustled straight through
to the kitchen and set the food on the table. She gave Katie a critical
once-over. “You’ve lost weight. So don’t tell me you don’t have time to eat or
I’ll have to tie you down and force-feed you.”

“I’ll eat. And I’m not fussy tonight. I’m ready to gnaw my own
arm off.” Katie got wineglasses down from the cupboard and opened the bottle
while Paula got out plates. The smell of the pizza, Paula’s friendly banter…it
was such a welcome relief from her lonely desperation that all at once she
choked up, overwhelmed by a lack of sleep, anxiety and emotional overload.
“Thank you for coming. I’ve been s-so—”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Paula drew her into a hug, stroking her back.
“It’s going to be okay.”

Katie gulped and knuckled her wet eyes. “I know. Sorry—”

“Don’t apologize.” Paula pushed her into a chair and handed her
a glass of wine. “You’ve been working too hard. And spending too much time by
yourself. You lose perspective. I remember what that was like.”

Paula didn’t intend to be smug but her tone held an unconscious
complacency as she recalled her singleton days. Katie didn’t resent her
happiness—after all, she’d gained a friend who was like a sister to her. And she
was happy that her brother had found someone so perfect for him.

But she did envy Paula—the love she shared with Riley, the
companionship, the home life, the family. Katie shook her head.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself
. She had a job she
loved—two jobs she loved. Family, friends… She didn’t understand where her
discontent was coming from. For years she’d been fine on her own—until John had
reentered her life, bringing Tuti with him.

“Not alone. I spend all day with twenty six-year-olds.” She
caught Paula’s eye and grinned sheepishly.

“Case close.” Paula handed her a plate loaded with two big
slices of pepperoni pizza.

“Ah, my favorite guilty pleasure.” Katie took a bite and ate
hungrily, surprised at how quickly she downed the first slice. “Congrats on
arresting Nick Moresco, by the way.” She added cautiously, “How is Jamie taking
the news that his father is going to jail?”

Paula took a big sip of wine. “Riley and I took him to
counseling. He’s surprisingly calm and accepting. When Moresco snatched Jamie
from his grandmother’s birthday party, he lost some of his appeal,” Paula said
wryly. “Plus having Riley adopt Jamie helps a lot. As far as Jamie and I are
concerned, Riley’s his father now.”

“That’s great. You’re so lucky to have found each other.”

“What about you and John? I hope asking doesn’t bother
you.”

“No, I don’t mind.” Katie told her about John’s invitation to
the beach cottage. “I just wish I could decide whether to go or not.”

“Give me the pros and cons.” Paula grabbed a pad of paper Katie
had been making notes for her story on. She flipped to a clean page and looked
up expectantly. “Pro.”

“I need to meet my deadline and John promised to let me do
nothing but write with a bit of time for Tuti.”

“Good one. Con?”

“Being around John and Tuti would make me want to play, not
write.”

“Hmm, in my opinion that would be a pro.” Paula frowned at the
paper. “Next?”

“A change of scenery could free up my writer’s block.”

“Excellent. Con?”

“The beach cottage is where John and I first made love.”

“Again, that sounds like a good thing.”

“Except there’s so much unresolved between us. Bad memories
might get stirred up as well as good memories.”

“We’ll call it a con for the sake of argument. Pro?”

“I need to relax. I’ll have a better chance of doing that with
John taking care of the mundane stuff like cooking.” Before Paula could say
anything, she added, “But that’s also a con. Relaxing means I’ll let my guard
down. Anything might happen, if you know what I mean.”

Paula grinned. “Girl, all you’ve proved is that you don’t
understand the concept of con. What’s the bottom line here? What’s your gut
feeling?”

Katie shut her eyes and looked inward. What she saw she wanted
so badly it scared her. She and John and Tuti having a beach holiday, just like
a real family. With a week in a secluded setting, they might be able to figure
out whether they had something real and lasting.

“Katie?”

She opened her eyes. “I want to go.”

“That’s good.”

“Not necessarily. I want it too much.”

“Are you falling in love with him?”

Katie hesitated. She’d barely admitted it to herself. Saying it
aloud to Paula would mean her feelings were real. Worse, she might have to do
something about them. “I think so.”

“You think, or you know?” Paula pressed.

“You are such a cop.” Katie laughed and pushed a hand through
her bedraggled ponytail.

Paula reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Don’t be
afraid. Being in love is the best feeling.”

Katie smiled.
Oh, yeah.
Despite the
fact that John didn’t live up to her standards of love, she couldn’t help the
stomach flutter when he looked at her, the quickening of her pulse at his touch.
The hope that somehow he would overcome her doubts and fears and prove himself
worthy. The desire that she would be “enough” for him, that he would want her
and her alone. If all that was love, then yes, she’d taken that leap.

But. There was always a “but.”

“I’m not sure I want to love him. As I said, John and I have
issues we can’t seem to overcome.”

“Riley told me John regrets leaving you and that he thinks John
still loves you.”

“Really? John said he loves me?” Ridiculous, the way that made
her heart pound.

“Not exactly. Riley
thinks
he does.
John hasn’t come out and declared his feelings in so many words. Guys don’t,
though, do they?”

“I’m not sure I want him to be in love with me.” Her voice
dropped to a whisper. “Not if I can’t trust him to be there for me.”

Paula met her gaze soberly. “John is the only guy on the
Summerside police force besides Riley that I would trust with my life.”

“That’s in relation to your job.” Katie toyed with her second
slice of pizza. “What if I got cancer again? He thought he was doing the right
thing when he left but I honestly don’t know which was worse, the illness or
being abandoned.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Paula was
quiet a moment. “But if you think you love him, how can you not take a chance?
The alternative sucks. If you can’t have him and you don’t want anyone else,
then what are you? Alone.”

“There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely.”
She’d been alone for years. Oh, she’d gone out with different men, but never
anyone serious or for very long. Like John, but in her own way, she’d avoided
settling down. But seeing herself through Paula’s eyes the future stretched out
bleak and unchanging. That wasn’t alone. That was lonely.

When she’d had cancer everyone told her to take the safe
option, follow the conservative road. She’d taken a chance and come through.
There was no gain without risk.

“Maybe I will go away with him,” she said slowly. “Give him a
chance. Give myself another chance at love.”

This time she wouldn’t avoid discussing their problems, no
matter how upsetting or scary. If they were to have a meaningful relationship
they needed to hash things out, once and for all. If they decided in the end
that they weren’t right for each other, at least they’d given it one last good
shot. And having tried and failed, they would both be able to move on.

Paula picked up another piece of pizza and waved it at her. “If
nothing else, you’ll have made progress on your book.”

“There is that. Okay, I’ll do it.” She laughed, giddy with the
relief of deciding to do what her heart wanted.

Paula slid the phone across the table. “Go on, give him a call
right now, before you chicken out.”

Quickly Katie punched in John’s speed dial number. At the sound
of his rumbling voice saying hello her knees went weak. “Hi. I’ve decided to go
with you and Tuti. It’s time we talked things out.”

“When the phone rang, I was hoping it was you, calling to say
you would come,” John said warmly. “And it was. I have a good feeling about this
holiday.”

* * *

“W
E
’
RE
GOING
TO
surf and swim,” John said to Tuti in the rearview
mirror. The car was packed with food, books, games and beach equipment. His
surfboard was strapped to the roof and in the trunk was a brand-new boogie board
for Tuti. “I’ll take you to see the penguins and the koalas....”

“Will Katie be there?” Tuti asked for the fifth time.

“Yes, sweetie,” John said patiently. “She has things to do
first so she’s bringing her own car. She’ll arrive tonight.”

“Yay!” Tuti bounced in her seat.

John laughed, his spirits as high as Tuti’s. The sun was
shining, the air was warm and it was nearly Easter. The beach was a great place
to spend a week.

The two-hour drive passed quickly. Soon he was pulling into the
gravel driveway of the three-bedroom weatherboard cottage that had been his
family’s since he was a kid. Across a quiet service road lay the beach. Leah
usually came down over Christmas and Sonya and her family had been there toward
the end of the summer holidays.

John unloaded the car, handing Tuti small things and carrying
the heavy luggage himself. The cottage had all the basics but none of the
frills. Painted floorboards and rag rugs, ancient overstuffed furniture, a
wood-burning stove and a battered coffee table that had been the scene of many
epic Monopoly games.

He opened all the windows while Tuti ran around exploring,
claiming the girls’ bedroom with the shells lining the windowsill. When they
were settled in, he and Tuti went wading in the shallows to get her used to how
cold the ocean was compared to the water surrounding Bali. Mutton birds wheeled
above their rookery and waves crashed on the sand. They barbecued sausages for
dinner and ate them between slices of white bread with fried onions and tomato
sauce.

“When is Katie coming?” Tuti asked plaintively as he tucked her
into bed that night.

“She’ll be here when you wake up in the morning,” he promised.
At least he hoped so. He’d thought she would be here by now. He’d tried calling
her a couple of times but her mobile just went to voice mail.