To be Maria (9 page)

            "Have you ever had a girlfriend, Anya?"

            The beckoning tone in her voice takes Anya by surprise. She finds herself taking one step back, widening the space between them. "Maria, you're a great person, I really like you as a friend, but…I don't like you in that way."

            Maria throws her head back and laughs out loud. "Oh my God, Anya. You are so inexperienced. That's not what I meant."

            Anya can feel the red creep up her neck and over her face. "Yes, I've had friends in the past who were girls, but…they were…never close friends." The suspicious look on Maria's face suddenly makes her feel uncomfortable. "They all moved away within a year of our friendship," she says before Maria asks her the dreaded one-word question, 'why'.

            Maria's face now holds a grim expression. "Well, everyone told me that Patrick was your only friend. That's why I had to ask this."

            Anya cannot tell if that expression is of concern or of disdain, and that worries her greatly. What will Maria think of her if she tells her that Patrick is her only friend? Would she pass this test of friendship? All of a sudden, the promising friendship with this Spanish beauty does not seem so promising anymore. And if Shondra, Carly and all of their friends changed their mind about her, why would they tell Maria this fact about her, a fact that pains and humiliates Anya.

            Maria glances down at her silver wrist watch. "Gee, its already ten 'o' clock. We'd better go. Shondra and her family are probably wondering where I am." She shifts her unabashed brown eyes to Anya. "Are you okay? You look upset."

           
That's an understatement. I thought you were done with this stupid test
. "No, I'm just tired."

            "Look, Anya, I didn't mean anything by that comment," Maria says, the look on her face pleading innocence from any judgmental connotation that came from her remark. But it is enough to wash away Anya's doubts momentarily.

            "I know you didn't, Maria. We're friends now, right?" She says, searching for a trace of sincerity in the expression on Maria's face.

            "Yes. I'm going to have to drive you home now, it's getting late," Maria says, wiping a loose strand of hair away from her face.

            The drive home is painfully awkward. There were times in the past, Anya remembers, when she and Patrick rode together in silence. But his lack of words never made her stomach churn like it is now. Maria's presence makes Anya feel like she is standing on the edge of a tall cliff, the bedrock beneath her feet frail, threatening to give way at any moment. Four hours ago, Maria acted like she was Anya's best friend and now she is apathetic, clutching the steering wheel tightly, looking like she can’t wait to get Anya out of her car. Every time Anya opens her mouth to speak, the words get stuck in her throat.
Why aren't you speaking to me? Did I do something to make you upset?
She feels ready to speak these words after a few more minutes of riding in silence. But it is too late. Maria has already pulled over to the side of the dimly lit street, a half a block down from Anya's home.

            "This is where you live, isn't it?" she says. She reaches into her coat pocket for her lighter and package of cigarettes.

            "Yes. Thank you for the ride, Maria."

            "See you tomorrow," she says while lighting the cigarette.

            "Yes, I look forward to it."

In less than on minute, Maria speeds down the street in her car, quickly disappearing from Anya's sight.

            Anya walks down the sidewalk with her head bent low.
Maybe Maria had a fight with her parents. That would explain why she was so cool towards me.
This thought dispels some of her anxiety, but she is quite wary of Maria's attitude. Maybe Patrick is right: Maria is superficial and she is using Anya to get what she wants. But what? What does Anya have that Maria does not? She shakes her head vigorously.
Ugh, I think way too much and I'm so over sensitive. I should just forget about it and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good one. I'm sure of it. I can feel it in my bones.

            "First you convince us that Anya is cool, and now you're having second thoughts about her."   

            Maria gives Carly a sheepish look. She can see the fury in Carly's eyes; it makes her feel a little afraid. "Yes and…no.”

            Carly takes two steps closer to her. "What the hell are you thinking, Maria? I blow two- hundred-and-fifty dollars on this bitch only to find out now that you've changed your mind about her.”
            Maria narrows her eyes. "Well, I spent one-hundred-and fifty dollars on Anya's clothes, and Kirsten chipped in as well."

            "Well, I paid for most of her clothes."

            Maria narrows her eyes.
God, that bitchy tone in her voice is almost worse than being grounded for two weeks in the middle of July
. "Look, Carly, I didn't say I changed my mind about Anya. I just think she's inexperienced, that's all."

            "Okay, then you teach her, Maria."

            The smirk on Carly’s face and the mocking tone in her voice infuriates Maria. She longs to give Carly a bloody nose. It wouldn’t be her first time to strike someone. She got into fights with other girls when she was younger, so the feel of Carly's face reverberating off her fist would not make her recoil. In fact, it would give her a rush of adrenaline. Yet, a small voice inside her head screams 'no'.
If you punch Carly, it will go around the school in a matter of minutes and you will be more hated than Anya and Patrick. Shondra will kick you out of her parents' home and then where will you go? You can't go back to your parents’ place, not after the fight you had with them
. "That's a good idea. Are you going to help me?" Maria realizes how pathetic that question is the second after she finishes speaking it.
God, I feel like an idiot.

            "Maybe," Carly says very slowly, ending her one word response with an upward inflection.

            Maria's jaw stiffens. "Maybe doesn't cut it! You are with me, or we write off this test."

            "Oh no, we're too far into this test to walk away from it."     

            Maria narrows her eyes. "I thought Anya passed your stupid test."

            Carly shoots her a sardonic smile. "Oh no, she hasn't yet. I've just decided to add another part: Jose's party will be part two of the popularity test, and it'll be the most important part because this is what popularity is all about. If Anya fails this part, then you owe me one-hundred-and-fifty dollars."

            "Deal," Maria says through gritted teeth.
Like hell I'm gonna give you one-hundred- and-fifty dollars when your dad owns a multi-million dollar architecture firm. What do you take me for? Stupid? I don't frickin' think so
.

****

            Anya, physically and emotionally drained, closes her locker door. It has been a long day and not a good one, much to her disappointment. She has skipped English and History and spent the entire morning in the student lounge in order to avoid Maria. And so far, she has succeeded. She really wants to talk to her, but is afraid that if she does, she will be rejected. Ever since Maria dropped her off at home, that question, 'have you ever had a girlfriend' has plagued Anya's mind. She could not replace it with positive thoughts no matter how hard she tried. She tossed and turned all night long trying to convince herself that Maria meant no harm by that question; that it just came up at random; that Maria wanted to know more about her so she could better understand her. The more Anya tries to convince herself of these things, the more skeptical of Maria she becomes.

            While she managed to avoid Maria, she could not avoid Carly. It sure didn't take long for people to forget about her stellar performance. Carly and Matt said little to her and, to make matters worse, Patrick avoided her completely. He would not even look at her.

            Anya is beginning to wonder if she has just made the biggest mistake of her life. But the feeling of someone tapping their fingers on her right shoulder causes her to snap out of her depression. When she turns around, she is surprised and dismayed to see Maria.

            "Ah…hi," she says in a small voice.
I think I would feel a whole lot better if you were Patrick
. The hard look on Maria's face makes her feel even more uneasy.

            "Anya, we need to talk."

            "Uh…okay. What do you want to talk about?" Anya says, casting her a quizzical look. Before she has a chance to think, Maria grabs her by the wrist and half drags her down the hallway.

            "Where are we going?" Anya says. She tries to free her wrist from Maria's tight hold, but fails.

            Maria does not respond, so Anya reluctantly lets herself be half-carried out of the school building. She shakes all over and a cold sweat breaks out under her armpits. She also cannot help but feel as vulnerable as a three-year-old child.

            "Get inside," Maria says after unlocking the doors to her car.

            Reluctantly, Anya does as she is told.
I'd like to know what the heck you're up to and why you're being so demanding
.

            "Anya, I like you," Maria says the second after she slams her door shut.

            Anya snaps her head in Maria's direction. She begins to feel a little less afraid of her. "Really? Do you really mean what you say, Maria?"

            "Yes I do," Maria says, keeping her intense gaze fixed on Anya. "I think you're a great person, but..."

            Anya's heart begins to pound hard against her chest.
Oh great, here it comes: I'm a loser, an underdog; I'm no good; I should give up because I will never measure up to you
.

            "You are inexperienced," Maria says, putting heavy emphasize on the word 'inexperienced'.

            Anya's jaw drops. If that's all then maybe -- just maybe -- there is some hope for her after all. Is…that all, Maria?" she says, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

            "Yes. But it is a big deal, and you're not out of the forest yet."

            Anya can feel her heart sink to the bottom of her toes. "What do you mean by forest?" She shrinks away at the withering look on Maria's face.

            "See, that's what I mean! Anya, if you're going to make it in this life, you have to learn new terms. And most importantly, you have to be confidant. You're a nice person and you're drop dead gorgeous, but you are so insecure and naive that it hurts. I don't know how the heck you pulled off that skit in your acting class yesterday, but ever since our shopping trip, you haven't given me or anyone else a reason to think highly of you."

            "Maria," Anya says. Her heart is now racing and she can feel the sweat soak through the armpits of her new green, cashmere sweater. "I know I can be shy and ignorant at times, but I do have confidence in myself. If I didn't, I wouldn't have been given a huge part in the upcoming community play. I wouldn't even be in Mr. Hawthorne's advanced acting class. If you were in Mr. Hawthorne's acting class, you would know that I'm telling you the truth and you would get to know me better."

            Maria shoots her a sharp look. "I'm not talking about acting, Anya. Everyone in this school knows you're a good actress; it's your lack of social skills that makes you so inexperienced."

            Anya's face becomes inflamed. "That's not true!"
How dare you make that judgment when you hardly even know me. Who the hell do you think you are?

           
"Oh yeah," Maria says, leaning closer to her, "then tell me off like you did in the washroom a couple of days ago. Call me a bitch; tell me that I'm a horrible person; drop the f-bomb. Come on, do it!"

            Anya gives her a horrified look. How could Maria want to be treated like this?
That is just wrong
. "I can't do that."

            "Yes you can, and you will do it!"

            Anya gulps. "You're not being…very nice, Maria."

            "That's not good enough," Maria yells.

            Anger rises within Anya, taking hold of her emotions. "You're such a bitch, Maria!"

            "That's it!"

            "You dragged me here for this? What the hell's your problem? You know what? I hate you! Yet, I admire you. You're an outrageously gorgeous, strong willed and unstoppable person. You don't let anyone push you around. I really want to be the same way. Maria, I want to be just like you, but I don't know how or where to start." All of the anger drains from Anya's body, but it leaves the void inside her heart even larger than it was before. She fears that if she doesn't find a remedy soon, it will swallow her whole.

            The harsh look on Maria's face softens a little. "You are strong, Anya, but you just don't realize it because you never give yourself credit. You have proven to me once again that you can stand up for yourself, but you also have to stand up to others when they put you down."

            Anya’s gaze sinks to her lap. "You're right. I've never stood up to Carly or Matt because I've always been afraid of what they’d do to me if I did. And I'm still afraid. Frankly, Carly scares the crap out of me."