To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys) (18 page)

“If you hadn’t come, the Indians might have got us.”

The idea that he might be a hero in Ben’s eyes caused the bottom to fall out of Colby’s stomach. He didn’t want anybody looking up to him or thinking they owed him anything. “You’d have held them off. They just caught you by surprise.”

“It was you and your rifle that made the difference. Otherwise, we’d all be dead.”

Colby hadn’t realized Naomi had been listening.

“I’ve never understood why you would endanger your own life by coming to the aid of strangers,” she said.

“Survival is hard. We help other people so that when we need help, they’ll help us.”

“Go to sleep,” Ethan called from under the neighboring wagon. “Some of us have to work in the morning.”

From inside the wagon, Naomi called, “Good night.”

“Yeah, night,” Ben echoed.

Troubling thoughts kept Colby from falling asleep until sometime later.

***

Two days of steady travel had brought them to a campsite at McNees Creek, about fifteen days and more than two hundred miles from Santa Fe. Colby proposed that they camp early so they could celebrate the 4th of July. The Hill brothers had killed a young buffalo cow, which meant fresh meat for the celebration. Wilma had invited Cassie and her baby to join them while Pearl Oliver insisted on sharing their meal with Colby. Only the Drummond wagon separated the Hills and the Olivers so they ended up all together. The children gathered fresh berries for pies, a welcome treat.

As twilight approached, most of the adults were content to relax around their wagons while the younger children roamed about climbing over pieces of equipment left by Armijo’s army thirteen years earlier. Ted Drummond flirted harmlessly with Amber Sumner while Polly tried to convince Cato Johnson to challenge Ted for Amber’s affections. Laurie and Sibyl Spencer sat talking quietly while their husbands smoked expensive cigars.

Colby had talked Naomi into taking a walk with him. They found a break in the brush along the river where rocks formed a bank about a foot above the water. At this point, the Cimarron had widened into a shallow stream moving lazily around a gentle bend in the river. A crane waded through the shallow water looking for frogs hiding among the reeds that choked the far bank.

“This is a lovely, peaceful spot,” Naomi said. “It’s hard to believe we could be attacked by Indians at any moment.”

“There’s not as much danger here as on the open plains.”

“I can believe people will live here one day. I can see a snug, little house built on the rise behind us, and children playing on the bank of the river. Large trees would shade the house with a fruit orchard and a large garden.”

“You’re imagining a home like you had back in Kentucky.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“This is a different land.”

“So I’ve found out.” Naomi moved out onto the rock at the edge of the river.

“Do you want to go for a swim?”

“No,” she said with a laugh, “but I do want to dip my feet in the water. Are there any vicious fish that will try to bite my toes?”

“I think your toes are safe. Let me take off your boots.”

He knew he was asking for trouble, but he did it anyway. Her boots were high-topped, heavy, clunky, not at all feminine but necessary for walking through high grass and uneven land. He wondered what kind of shoes she had worn back in Kentucky. Elizabeth had worn a flimsy shoe that wouldn’t have lasted more than a week outside her house. But Elizabeth never left the house. He couldn’t imagine Naomi being so confined. There was too much spirit in her, too much energy, too much will to meet any challenge that came her way.

He wondered what she would think of him if she knew he’d given up facing his challenges. No, that wasn’t quite right. He’d backed away from his challenges because he’d decided the reward wasn’t worth the effort.

“Are you going to take off my boot, or are you going to keep on daydreaming?”

Colby came to himself with a start. Getting caught up in thoughts of another woman and forgetting Naomi was no way to deal with his fascination for her. But then he hadn’t forgotten her. She had been the impetus behind most of his thoughts for the last week.

“I was thinking of how your foot would look in the dainty slippers worn by ladies in Santa Fe.”

Naomi looked at her boots with disgust. “Don’t tease me with thoughts of pretty slippers. Anyway, it’s improper for you to be thinking about my feet or my shoes.”

“It’s hard not to when I’m about to remove your boot.”

“Then close your eyes and pretend it’s your own foot and your own boot.”

Colby laughed. “That’s probably the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said.”

“If you knew me better, you wouldn’t say that. Now are you going to remove my boots, or shall I? I’d hate for it to become so dark the snakes couldn’t see my toes.”

“We don’t have water moccasins out here, and rattlesnakes don’t like water. Hold still, and I’ll unlace your boots.”

By making a concerted effort, he was able to focus his gaze on her boot rather than her leg, but he couldn’t do anything about his thoughts. What was so erotic about a foot?

The laces were thick, grown stiff with ground-in dirt. The boot itself was coated with dust and plant fibers. Ugly and bulky, it was an insult to the limb it enclosed. Removing both was a form of liberation. Her socks were thick cotton pressed flat from hours inside the boots.

Naomi sighed and wiggled her toes once he had removed the last sock. “If I ever get to Santa Fe, I’ll never wear a boot again.”

“What will you wear?”

“Slippers like the ones Norman buys for Sibyl. You should see them.”

Colby couldn’t force himself to pay attention to her description of Sibyl’s shoes—not just because he had no interest in what Sibyl chose to put on her feet, but also because he was fascinated by the sight of Naomi’s feet splashing in the water. They weren’t the tiny, feminine feet one might expect, but long and slender with delicate bones and skin that was nearly translucent. He tried to keep his gaze from her ankle, but to no avail. He’d never paid particular attention to the ankles of any of the women he’d been with, but he was certain he’d have done so if they’d been as beautifully formed. He couldn’t say what made Naomi’s ankle beautiful, only that it was.

It connected the foot to the leg, and there Colby’s imagination ran rampant. Once the leg was breached, the whole body lay open to speculation. A tightened feeling in his pants was proof that Colby’s mind had gone in a direction that wasn’t conducive to his comfort or his peace of mind.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Naomi said.

“I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“You.”

Had he intended to say that, or had the word just slipped out? He didn’t know, and that bothered him. He’d always known what he intended to say before he said it.

Naomi’s gaze followed a cottonwood leaf as it floated down the river. “What were you thinking?”

“Lots of things.”

“Like what?”

“How much I’d like to kiss you.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it rather than just thinking about it?”

Naomi had turned to face him, leaned in slightly. It was an invitation he had no desire to refuse.

Colby had believed that their kisses during the storm held everything he could possibly hope to find. They had been angry, their emotions at fever pitch, the weather adding to the atmosphere of heightened sensibilities. Could a kiss shared on a quiet summer evening by a placid river hope to reach the same level of intensity?

Their lips had barely touched, and he knew he hadn’t been mistaken. The intensity, the excitement, the magnetism that was so strong it threatened to pull him under. It was more than a meeting of lips, more than physical closeness, more than rampaging lust. Whatever it was—he didn’t have the mental energy to explore that question—it was something completely beyond his experience, beyond his expectations, something that reached all the way to the slagheap of his abandoned hopes.

He pulled Naomi into his arms. She was neither small nor fragile, but the way she melted into his embrace made him feel strong enough to battle the world in her defense. She didn’t resist when his arms tightened around her or when his kiss deepened. She seemed to encourage his embrace, even to welcome it. Every part of his body was on the alert, every sense heightened, a whole world of possibilities speeding through his mind.

A soft groan distracted his thoughts.

“I would never have guessed you could kiss like this.”

“Like what?”

“Gentle yet strong. Possessive yet giving.”

He meant to ask what she meant, but he got distracted by another kiss. When he came up for air, he asked, “How did you think I would kiss?”

She leaned against his chest, tucked her head under his chin. “I never thought you’d kiss at all. I figured you’d growl a command, then go out and kill a bear or something.”

He’d have laughed if he hadn’t been so bewildered.

“I wasn’t sure I believed you when you said you’d fallen in love.” She raised up long enough to give him a quick kiss on the lips before resting her head against him once more. “I wondered if you were using it as an excuse to avoid women altogether.”

The excitement, the desire for another kiss began to fade. Reality was such a bitch. Still, he didn’t pull away. The trip wouldn’t last much longer. It would be good to have some pleasant memories to look back on. Winters could be a long, lonely time.

“What was she like?” Naomi asked suddenly.

“Who?”

“The woman you fell in love with.”

Why were women always so curious about other women? Even when they weren’t in competition with each other, they wanted to know every detail.

“She wasn’t the woman I thought she was,” he said. “I
thought
I was in love because I couldn’t stop thinking about Elizabeth. I wanted to be with her all the time, to look at her and see nothing else, to touch her hand or cheek, to hold her and never let go. I couldn’t stop telling her how happy she made me or talking about our future together. I got a new job and picked out a place for us to live. I even chose a church and date for the wedding.”

“What did Elizabeth say to all of this?”

“She said any plans I made were fine with her.”

“What did her parents say?”

“We didn’t tell her parents. She said they wouldn’t understand, and she was right. As soon as they knew about us, they told me never to come to the house again. We decided to ignore them. I took a job out of town that promised to give me enough money for us to marry. When I got back to Santa Fe, I was told she’d married someone else. Her father had me escorted from the meeting by armed guards.”

That had been the worst day of his life. Thinking about it now almost five years later had the power to bring the hurt back as though it had never left.

“What happened? Were you able to see her alone?”

“I climbed through her window to convince her to run away with me. She was shocked, didn’t want to see me, and tried to make me leave immediately. At first I thought she was worried about my safety, but she didn’t care about me, only that her husband would be upset when he learned I’d broken into their house. I tried to tell her I could support her, that I’d work two jobs, even three, but she said she couldn’t run away with me, that she was married and nothing could change that. Then she insisted I leave.” He had started to tell Naomi that Elizabeth had been pregnant with his child, but it was too painful.

“What did you do?”

He’d felt like killing someone, would probably have tried if her father had been there. “I said a lot of other things I don’t remember. It was enough to bring the servants in, several of them holding guns. They forced me to leave.”

“You said you won’t go to Santa Fe. Why?”

“Her father convinced the army commander to throw me into jail. Elizabeth sent me a letter begging me to leave Santa Fe and never come back.”

“Is that when you went into the army?”

“As soon as I got out of jail, I headed straight for Elizabeth’s house. I was pounding on the door when a mounted guard rode up. I was escorted to the gates and told not to come back. That’s when I joined the army.”

It had been a way to work off his rage without being hanged for it. It also gave him time to accept that Elizabeth had never been in love with him, that to her it had probably been nothing more than an exciting adventure. “Does that answer your question?” He hadn’t realized he’d pulled away from Naomi until she took his left hand between both of hers.

“I think she must be a heartless, unfeeling woman. She must be very beautiful to have blinded you to her character.”

He had thought it would be easy to forget a child he’d never seen, but it had proved impossible to put it out of his mind. It was a dull ache that never let up. At times the loneliness, the feeling of isolation, hurt as much as a physical pain. It had been so bad on occasion he’d even entertained thoughts of going to see his parents. They didn’t love him, but they were family.

“What did I miss?” he asked. “What should I have looked for?”

“That’s hard to say.”

He brought his right hand up and gripped her hands. “Don’t back out on me now.”

“I think you were right about what you felt for Elizabeth. That you never stopped thinking about her, that you were never happier than when you were with her, that you wanted to stare at her for hours, touch her, hold her, protect her. You didn’t use these words, but you didn’t feel complete without her. A part of you was missing, and you thought you’d found that part in her. But she was never in love with you, or she’d never have left you for another man.”

“Would you marry a poor man when you had the chance to marry a rich one?”

“If I loved him, it wouldn’t care if he was poor. Two people who love each other can build a good life together without being rich.”

“Even a man as poor as I am?”

“You’re not poor. You have a magnificent stallion, a fancy saddle, and an amazing rifle. You just don’t have any clothes.”

Colby tried to stifle a laugh, but it escaped anyway. “You have a funny way of looking at things.”

“You’re rich in all the things money can’t buy. That’s what a woman looks for first. Everything else can come later.”

Colby leaned forward and gave Naomi a quick kiss. “Not every woman. Just a woman like you.”

“There are lots of women like me.”

He kissed her again. “I haven’t found them. Where are they hiding?”

“I told Papa you were probably in the bushes smooching.” The sound of Ben’s voice was so unexpected, so much a shock, they sprang apart.

“We weren’t
smooching
in
the
bushes
,” Colby told Ben. “Your sister said something very nice about me, and I was just showing my appreciation.”

“Then give her a flower,” Ben suggested. “You keep kissing Naomi, and people are going to think you want to marry her.”

“What do you want?” Naomi asked. “I know Papa didn’t ask you to spy on me.”

“I wanted to ask if I could ride the horse tomorrow. I’m tired of driving the wagon.”

“I’ll make you a deal,” Naomi offered. “You do all the cooking and cleaning up, and I’ll drive the wagon.”

“I knew you’d pull a dirty trick like that,” Ben complained. “No one would eat anything I tried to cook.”

“How about this? You ride in the morning and I’ll ride in the afternoon.”

Ben’s face lit up. “Do you mean it?”

“Of course I do. If I didn’t, you’d never let me forget it.”

Ben pushed Colby aside to give his sister a hug. “You can smooch all you want. I won’t tell anybody.”

Colby thought Naomi blushed.

“I gotta tell Ethan. He said you wouldn’t let me ride because you liked being with Colby. He said you two were sweet on each other.”

“You can tell Ethan for me—no, it’s time for us to go back. I’ll tell him myself—that in the future he’s to keep his opinions to himself.”

“Nobody listens to Ethan. He thinks Cassie is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. That’s dumb because everybody knows Sibyl and Laurie are prettier. I think you are, too.”

“Thanks for the compliment,” Naomi said, “but Ethan is right. Now before you say anything else you shouldn’t, take yourself off to bed. It takes more energy to ride than it does to drive the wagon.”

“I’ll be asleep before you get back to the wagon.” With that, Ben turned and ran off.

Naomi pulled on her socks. Colby helped her with her boots. “There are times I wish I’d been an only child.”

Colby took her by the hand and helped her to her feet. “The whole time I was growing up I wanted brothers. I would have been happy to take Ben.”

“I love him dearly, but he can be a trial.”

“Is that part of love, loving somebody even though you want to hit them?”

Naomi chuckled. “I guess so.”

***

Naomi woke to the sound of raised voices, jingling harnesses, and squeaking wagon wheels. She sat up too quickly and bumped her head on the underside of the wagon. She looked around, but her father’s and Ben’s pallets were empty. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she scrambled to her feet and crawled from under the wagon.

“I was about to wake you.” Her father sat near the remains of a small fire enjoying a cup of coffee.

“Why did you let me sleep so long?”

“You looked so comfortable, and there was no need to wake you.”

“What about breakfast?”

“Colby made it. He’s quite handy with a campfire.”

“Where is he?”

“He and Ben have gone to the
ciboleros
camp.”

“Who or what are
ciboleros
?”

“As near as I can gather, they’re Mexican buffalo hunters.”

“What are they doing here?”

“I have no idea.”

“Why didn’t you go with Colby and Ben?” she asked.

“My desire for coffee was greater than my curiosity.” He took a swallow and sighed contentedly. “Colby makes the best coffee I’ve ever tasted. If he were a woman, I’d marry him.”

Naomi walked over to the Dutch oven nestled in the dying embers and lifted the lid.

“Bacon and beans,” her father informed her.

Naomi found a plate and filled it. “Did you leave me any coffee?”

“It was a struggle, but my love for you is greater than my love for coffee. But just barely,” he added with a grin.

Naomi poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down to eat. The beans and bacon were good. The coffee was even better.

“You might want to join them,” her father said.

“Why?”

“According to Colby, they sometime have things to sell.”

“We don’t need anything. I’d rather save our money for later.”

“Then go out of curiosity. Colby says they’re colorful fellas.”

“How does he know so much about everything?” She wouldn’t have let her irritation show if she hadn’t felt so off balance. She’d lain awake half the night thinking about what Colby had said two nights earlier. Possibilities had battled with improbabilities until her head ached.

“He hasn’t spent his whole life in a tiny village like the rest of us. Still, I get the feeling he’s paid a heavy price for all that knowledge.”

“And now we’re paying a heavy price for the lack of it.”

“That’s not why we’re paying it, but that’s no longer worth worrying about. What we need is a man like Colby to join us. He has the skills and knowledge we need. I think we could give him the family he’s missing.”

“How?”

“You could marry him.”

Naomi slowly lowered the spoon she’d been about to bring to her mouth. She was relieved to know her hand didn’t shake because her insides did. She put her plate down and forced herself to take a swallow of coffee before meeting her father’s gaze. “What makes you think that’s possible?”

His gaze seemed to intensify “Why do you think it isn’t?”

“I don’t love him.”

“But you do. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him. If I didn’t believe you loved him, I’d be very disappointed to know you were kissing him down by the river.”

“If Ben told you—”

“Not Ben. I could see it in your eyes when you came back. You had that vacant stare, the one that comes from being in a world all your own. I’m forty-nine years old. I’ve seen that look too many times not to know what it means.”

Naomi didn’t know what to say. She didn’t believe she was in love with Colby, but neither could she say she wasn’t. It was hard to be in love with a man who stayed at a distance, who swore love didn’t exist, who didn’t
want
to believe in it.

“Colby isn’t in love with me.”

“He could be.”

“He fell in love with a woman who swore she loved him. Yet she married another man. When he tried to see her, he was driven out of town and told he would be shot if he returned. That and abuse by his parents have turned him against any emotional relationship. He’s determined to isolate himself.”

“All the more reason for you to convince him he’s wrong. He’s much too fine a man to lose.”

“What makes you think I have him to lose?” She had never expected this conversation. She wasn’t prepared for it. She got to her feet. “I think I’d like to see these
ciboleros
. Where is their camp?”