To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys) (21 page)

“Don’t be silly,” Ethan said. “Give Cassie the baby. He’s hungry and needs to be fed. Besides, I’m sure Colby doesn’t want us hearing what he has to say to you.”

She
didn’t want to hear it, but it looked like what she wanted didn’t matter. She waited until Cassie was back in the wagon before she reluctantly handed over the baby. Then she allowed Colby to help her down from the wagon. Without a word, he led her toward a maple tree where Shadow waited saddled and ready. Unable to wait any longer for him to speak—fearful of what he might say when he did—Naomi decided to go first. Though when she tried to speak, her throat choked off the words.

“I’m sorry I have to leave.”

“Then why don’t you stay?” The words exploded from her before she could stop them. Before she could mortify herself further by begging him to stay, pride came to her rescue. “You don’t have to answer that.” She was relieved her voice sounded steadier than she felt. “You’ve told me over and over.”

Colby put his hand under her chin and raised her head until she was looking into his eyes.

“You have so much to give. Warmth, kindness, caring, even love. You deserve that and more in return. I know you think I can give it to you, but I can’t.”

She was tempted to argue, but she knew nothing she could say would make him stay. Silence would allow her to keep what was left of her pride.

“You’re a very special person.”

But not special enough for him to love, not special enough for him to give up spending the rest of his life as some kind of hermit.

“You’ll thrive out here. You’ve got the courage and the intelligence to meet all kinds of challenges.”

She’d failed in the challenge of getting him to admit he loved her. Not a very auspicious beginning.

“I’ve given your father the names of a few men to look up when you get to Santa Fe. You can trust any one of them to help you find a place for your town and make sure you get there.”

That was more than she could endure in silence. “Why do you care where we go or what happens to us? You’ll be hundreds of miles away. You’ll never see us again.”

“During these past weeks, I’ve gotten to know and like nearly everyone in the train. Why wouldn’t I care what happened to them?” He paused before adding, “You know I care what happens to you.”

She was
not
going to cry. This leaving-taking couldn’t last much longer. The traders had already hitched up their teams. The call to start would come at any moment.

“I’m sorry you’re leaving, too.” It was difficult, but she forced herself to look him in the eye. “You’re mistaken about love and your inability to give it. You’re crazy to plant yourself in some godforsaken corner of this wilderness and waste your life. Most important of all, you’re a coward not to face whatever it is that has driven you to isolate yourself. You’re a wonderful man who could make some woman a marvelous husband and some children an incredible father. No matter what happened to you in the past, it’s stupid to waste all of that. Now I’ve said too much, and the traders are ready to leave. I wish you the best on your journey, and hope you find what you’re looking for. Good-bye.”

She stood on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. Without waiting for him to speak or return her kiss, she turned and walked away praying he wouldn’t say anything more.

He didn’t, and that broke her heart.

***

It had been two days since Colby left the train, and Naomi hadn’t been able to think of anything else. Where was he? What was he doing? Why had he left? Would he have stayed if she’d tried harder? She was so desperate to get her mind off Colby she’d begged Noah to let Laurie travel with her. He hadn’t wanted to, but Norman had said Naomi needed some diversion so she’d stop moping over a man who didn’t want her. Not content with insulting Naomi, he added that they were well rid of a man who was too much like an Indian. Naomi was sorry Frank Oliver had failed in his attempt to murder Norman. She considered shooting him herself, but decided against it only because of the distress it would cause her family.

“Ignore him,” Laurie had said.

“I’ve been ignoring him for years, but it hasn’t gotten any easier.”

It had taken two days, but Laurie had relaxed enough that they could talk like they had before her marriage. Naomi had forgotten how much she missed those talks. And it did help to take her mind off Colby.

“Have you noticed that man who keeps looking at you?” Naomi asked Laurie. They had finished their midday and were back on the trail.

“No one’s been looking at me,” Laurie insisted.

They were riding in the wagon, Naomi driving and Laurie sitting next to her

“I’ve seen him,” Naomi insisted. “He looks at you like he’d like to swallow you whole.”

Laurie colored. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“No, I’m not. His name’s Jared Smith. He was in the army.”

“How do you know?”

“I asked. You can’t think I could fail to find out anything I could about such a handsome man, especially when he was staring at my cousin?”

“If you think he’s so handsome, why don’t you go after him?” Laurie was immediately penitent. “Sorry. I know you can’t think of anybody but Colby.”

“Well, Colby’s gone so we might as well concentrate on Mr. Smith. I might consider giving him a smile or two, but he’s clearly not interested in anyone but you.”

“I hope that’s not true. Do you think Noah would let me stay here another minute if he thought another man was looking at me?” Laurie looked as though it was all she could do to keep from crying. “I really want to stay with you all the way to Santa Fe. It’s practically the first time in a year I’ve been able to take a deep breath.”

Naomi was sorry she’d teased Laurie about Mr. Smith. She adored her cousin and knew how miserable she had been since her marriage. She did everything she could—including wearing tent-like dresses—to insure Noah didn’t believe other men were looking at her, or that she was trying to attract attention.

“Do you want me to say something to him? He really has been quite obvious.”

“No. I don’t believe he’s been staring at me. But if he has, asking him to stop would only make it worse. We’ll be in Santa Fe in about three days. I’m sure we’ll never see him again after that. I can’t imagine that he’ll be going to some remote corner of the Arizona Territory.” Laurie sighed. “I wish Colby were still here. I’m sure your father and the rest of the committee will do their best to find us a good guide, but doubt he’ll be half as good as Colby.”

Everyone in the train had told her how much they missed Colby and how difficult it was going to be to find anyone they trusted as much. Naomi appreciated how they felt, but she wished they’d express their discontent to someone else.
Anyone
else. Their unhappiness was nothing when compared to hers. It was hard on her when they insisted on reminding her of his good qualities and the thoughtful things he’d done. She knew better than anyone the extent of the loss they’d suffered.

But Colby was gone, and it was time everyone accepted that.

Even if she couldn’t.

***

“This is the weirdest town I’ve ever seen,” Ben said. “All the houses look like they’re made of mud.”

“It’s called adobe,” their father said.

“It looks like mud to me.”

Naomi agreed, but she had little thought to spare for the city. It had been three full days since Colby had left. Three days during which—rather than think of him—she’d tried to fill her mind with thoughts of reaching a town, even a small one, that had streets, businesses, churches, homes, and people. She had envisioned a place not very different from Spencer’s Clearing. Santa Fe wasn’t like that.

Adobe homes were scattered along the trail coming into town. Some were modest dwellings of one story high. Others possessed courtyards enclosed by adobe walls. Still, others had large fields behind. Timbers used to support the roofs protruded from the walls like fingers, some casting shadows on the walls like the bars of a jail cell. A church built of the same brown material towered above the town. She wondered if its two stumpy, square towers contained bells. The open fields beyond the houses were populated mainly by sheep and goats.

They followed the traders’ wagons across a small river to a plaza that appeared to be the center of town. A busy flow of traffic had churned the streets to dust. Traders’ carts lined the streets in front of businesses, one of which advertised stoves for sale. A long building with a spacious portal flanked another side. From Colby’s description, she knew it had to be the Palace of the Governors. Burros carrying wood and what looked like cornstalks were everywhere, some standing, others lying down under the weight of their load. Men who appeared to be local citizens drove open carts with solid wood wheels pulled by spotted oxen.

The inhabitants appeared to be friendly. Some were obviously wealthy, but most appeared to be wretchedly poor. Yet, they seemed quite happy and content. Roy Greene had said it was a city mired in vice and degradation, but it looked peaceful, even slumbering, to Naomi.

“Now that we’re here, what are we going to do?” she asked her father.

“Once we find a place to camp, we’ll meet and decide what to do next.”

Ben pointed to the square. “I want to say here.”

“I doubt they’ll let us camp in the middle of town,” their father said. “We have nothing to sell and little money to spend.”

The plaza was surrounded by a white picket fence. Several trees inside offered shade from the relentless sun. From its empty state Naomi supposed it was primarily used on festival days.

“We’ll probably park the wagons outside of town,” her father said. “The main thing we have to do is decide on a location for our new town and hire a guide to take us there.”

“Will that take long?”

“I hope not. Arizona is a long way from here.”

“What are we going to do now? It’s nearly dark.”

“After we eat, I’m going to find a hotel. I want one night when I don’t have to sleep on the ground or sandwiched in between the two of you.”

Naomi hoped a real bed would make a difference. She hadn’t been able to sleep since Colby left.

***

Colby had been calling himself a fool for the last six days, but that hadn’t made any difference. He had still followed the trail into Santa Fe, though he kept his distance. At least twice a day he’d ridden close enough to be able to catch a glimpse of Naomi’s wagon. He knew they would have no difficulty getting to Santa Fe, but he had to
know
she was safe. Now he was camping on the slopes of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains close enough to see the lights of the town. He was locked in place, unable to go forward or backward.

Forward would have been to a remote valley where he could spend the rest of his life in a mostly solitary existence. Yet what had once seemed so necessary to his peace of mind had lost its appeal. Going backward meant going down to Santa Fe and finding Naomi.

If his parents couldn’t love him—what was more natural than that parents would love their children regardless of their differences—maybe it wasn’t possible for
anybody
to love him. That would explain why Elizabeth’s love didn’t last.

Naomi’s love wouldn’t last either.

He poured his coffee over the dying embers of his fire. It was cold and tasteless, pretty much how his life felt just now. He ought to saddle up and ride north. He’d already accepted that cold and tasteless was how things were going to be. Naomi said she loved him, but so had Elizabeth. How could he be sure now when he thought he’d been so sure before?

Enough! It was time to leave. He scooped a bucket of water from a nearby stream and doused his campfire. Five minutes later Shadow was saddled and he was ready to ride. He mounted up. With a gentle nudge in Shadow’s flanks, he was on his way.

Headed down the mountain toward Santa Fe.

***

“I feel selfish having a hotel room all to myself,” Naomi said to her father.

“It’s not your fault that neither Norman nor Noah would let your cousins share your room. I don’t know what trouble they think the three of you might cause.”

Naomi knew that wasn’t the reason. Norman didn’t trust her influence on his wife. Noah was too jealous of Laurie to let her out of his sight.

“It seems only fair that you have a room when I do,” her father said as they climbed the stairs to the second floor.

Ethan said he had to stay with Cassie, and Ben had jumped at the chance to be on his own for the night.

“Can we really afford it?”

“I’m using part of the money Paul Hill paid me for giving him two healthy babies.”

Naomi smirked at her father. “I thought his wife did that.”

Her father grinned back. “She did the preliminary work. I was responsible for the part that counted.”

They had reached the second floor landing. Her father was staying on the first floor, but he’d insisted upon seeing her safely to her room.

“Sleep well,” her father said. “We can’t afford to stay in a hotel every night.”

Naomi unlocked and opened the door to her room. “After sleeping in the wagon or under it, I might not be able to sleep in a real bed.”

“Give it a try.” Her father kissed her cheek and handed her the lantern. “See you in the morning.”

“Night.”

Naomi closed and locked the door before placing the lantern on the table beside the bed. It didn’t take long to wash her face and change into her nightgown. Too keyed up to lie down just yet, she walked to the window and looked out.

The cloudless sky provided enough moonlight to illuminate the street below. It seemed there was almost as much activity as during the day. Several boys were playing a game in the square that involved kicking a ball, but it seemed too random to have an objective. An occasional cart moved through the street while two couples strolled through the park. People filled the boardwalks conducting business they’d put off during the heat of the day. Others were just starting to look for a place to eat. Naomi couldn’t imagine waiting until after nine o’clock to eat supper. She wondered if Colby would eat so late. He never seemed to have any trouble eating his meals on their schedule while he was with them.