To Honor and To Protect (12 page)

Whatever had happened to him after the army thought he’d been killed clearly had changed him. She was only sure of one thing right now. She wouldn’t risk Andy’s heart before she knew Drew’s intentions.

“When the summer adventure is over, I’ll take you to a ball game. A professional game.”

“That would be the best!” Andy turned to her. “Can I go?” He spun back to Drew. “Can Mom come with us?”

“Possibly,” she replied with a calm she didn’t feel. She didn’t need Andy siding with Drew, though the hero worship had obviously set in. “Right now you need to go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

Andy’s shoulders slumped, but he rallied quickly, knowing that sulking wouldn’t help his case. “Okay. We’re going exploring tomorrow, right?”

“Count on it,” Drew said. “And you’ll need a good night’s sleep if you want to keep up with me.”

Andy looked up at her, his eyes brimming with excitement that wasn’t entirely fueled by sugar. “Can I—I mean, may I?”

“Of course you may sleep,” she said, deliberately misunderstanding. Grinning, she added, “And yes. You may go exploring with Drew tomorrow.”

Giving in was worth it for the sheer delight shining in Andy’s eyes. They walked back into the cabin and she listened as he chattered on and on about riding in the boat with Drew.

“I like him, Mom.”

“Mmm-hmm. I can tell.”

“Do you like him?”

She couldn’t lie to his earnest face. “Yes. He’s a good friend.”

“Will you come along when we go to the baseball game?”

Would she? Her heart and mind leaped to opposite conclusions. Of course she’d go, she thought, as would any protective mother with an ounce of sense. But her heart imagined how it would be, her son and his dad coming home and telling her all about their guy adventure.

“Mom?”

“We’ll see how things go.” It could be weeks or even months before she felt it was safe for Andy to be out in public. “First this adventure, then the next one.”

“Okay. But I really want to go to a ball game with Drew.” Andy wriggled into his sleeping bag on top of the bed. “He knows everything.”

“He’s had lots of experiences.”

“Like this adventure is our experience?”

“Pretty much. You need to get some rest now. Which comic should we read?”

“Can Drew read it?”

The innocent request prickled along her skin like a poison ivy rash. She didn’t want to share this precious time. She had, in fact, long since given up on the idea of sharing her son. Marriage to Craig would’ve been a partnership, but they’d had an understanding that she’d have the final say about issues involving Andy. Craig hadn’t protested. Drew would make his opinions known even when she didn’t want to hear them. “Maybe Drew can read tomorrow night.”

“Okay.”

Addison ignored the heavy dose of disappointment and picked up another issue of Captain America.

“I could read it,” Andy said.

“Sure.” She nudged him over to the other side of the bed, her back propped against the wall and her son tucked against her side.

“I meant by myself.”

She checked her first reaction and forced herself to smile. “How about you read it to me? Then I’ll be here to turn out the light when you’re done.”

Andy considered, his small fingers tracing the vibrant design on the cover. “Okay.”

She listened and turned pages as needed until Andy’s eyelids drooped and his voice faded. Satisfied he’d sleep through until morning, she walked back out to the fire to confront Drew.

He was leaning back in one of the ratty chairs they’d found, his long legs stretched out toward the fire and his fingers laced behind his head. For a moment with the firelight flickering across his features, the years fell away and she was walking toward the man of her dreams. But life hadn’t been so kind. To either of them.

“You have to stop that,” she said, halting before she got too close to him.

His eyebrows snapped together as if he’d forgotten where he was, who she was. “Stop what?”

“Stop promising my son things you can’t deliver.”

“
Our
son.”

She
knew
it. Knew it would come down to that. It didn’t matter that his claim was valid. “It’s not my fault you haven’t been involved,” she said. He’d left her once in the name of duty, and when he’d had a chance to set things right he’d left her again.

“Cut me some slack,” Drew said, pushing a hand through his hair. “Leaving that day wasn’t my choice, Addi. Mad or not, you have to concede that much.”

She didn’t feel inclined to concede anything at all. “Let’s keep the focus on the here and now, Drew. You can’t get his hopes up.”

“Why not?” He spread his hands wide. “It’s clear he wants a dad. Good news all around. I
am
his dad. I want to make his every hope come true.”

“And how will you explain where you’ve been all his life?”

He sat up and shook his head. “We will find a way. Both of us. Together we can tell him so he understands.”

“And so he accepts you.” Why did that scare her so much?

“Is that such a bad thing? I intend to be a part of his life.”

She hated the way her heart skipped at the image that popped into her mind. She could see it so easily, the three of them gathered around a dinner table or chowing down on hot dogs at a baseball game.

“From Detroit? You’ll just pop in whenever it’s convenient?”

“You know me better than that.”

“I know the old you.”

“I’m the same man.” He sighed. “You could move closer to me. We could...”

She waited, but he didn’t finish. “Are you in a good school district?”

“Probably not, but this swamp is hardly the pinnacle of academic power.”

“This isn’t a permanent relocation,” she insisted. “Once Craig is back in custody, I’ll find the right place to raise our son.”

“If what little I’ve heard is any indication, you’ll need protection. I can give you that.”

She wanted to demand what he’d heard, what he thought he knew about Craig, but the day’s events, the entire situation had caught up with her. Pasting a smile on her face, she searched for kind words. “Thank you for letting us stay out here.” Weary, she sat down on the other side of the fading fire. It wasn’t far enough away. “I know you want to take us in, that you think Casey can help, but I’m not ready to risk speaking with anyone connected to the government right now.”

“What didn’t you tell them?”

She shook her head, thinking of the package she’d sent to Professor Hastings. “It’s better if you don’t know.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“You’ll have to trust me, then.”

He snorted. “That’s a bit easier if you trust me, too.”

“I did trust you.” Then and now, it seemed, but she had no intention of admitting as much. In her opinion, trust didn’t have to mean giving up control of the situation. She wasn’t sure Drew shared that opinion.

He came around to sit in the chair beside her. As he leaned close, his scent and heat crowded her. “Is that so?”

She nodded, unable to speak as her gaze drifted to his mouth. She remembered his taste, the way his lips had felt on hers. It was his taste, his expert touch that haunted her dreams and the recurring nightmare that she’d never find anyone else who could spark her passion. Had he changed, had his kiss changed? Or would it be a reprise of the way it had been: an explosion of heat and desire at first contact?

She wasn’t sure which outcome scared her more, but she didn’t get the chance to find out. Drew leaned back abruptly and tipped his face to the night sky.

“Do you remember the wedding rehearsal?” As soon as the question was out, she wanted to snatch it back, but it was too late. The lid was blown off the proverbial box where she’d locked away her memories of that precious time.

“Of course I do,” he replied, still watching the sky.

“We practiced the kiss.” She couldn’t believe how much she wanted to practice it again. Had she lost her mind on some belated sugar overdose?

“The minister looked surprised when I dipped you back.”

“Your dad was worried we’d make it a Hollywood production.” She saw his lips tip in a faint impression of a smile.

“He knew better. He loved you.”

And she’d loved him. Even through her grief-stricken anger that his heart had given up before he’d met his grandson. She remembered feeling as though the army had snatched Drew away and stolen his father as collateral damage.

She and Andy hadn’t been enough to carry Mr. Bryant through the oppressive grief and loss. It wasn’t fair to even think it—then or now. She’d known better even then, but it had required many expensive hours of therapy purging those destructive feelings so she could be a better mom. Based on the grim emotions churning inside her now, she might have to book some more time on a psychiatrist’s couch when this was over.

“I kissed you on our wedding day,” Drew said.

“What?”

“And every day since.”

“Are you hallucinating?”

He met her gaze once more. “Did you know the stars are brighter on the other side of the world?” He picked up her hand, ran his thumb unerringly over the place where her wedding band should have been.

He’d lost it. Something inside him had snapped. What was she supposed to do with a little boy and a mentally broken bodyguard?

“Every night, whether I could see the stars or not, I imagined kissing you at the front of that church.”

She yanked her hand away. It was too painful to hear, to think about. Her emotions were a jumble in her belly. She feared what his words might mean, feared this desperate need to give in to her body’s persistent desire for him.

She—they—had a son to consider. Andy’s physical and emotional safety came first; it had to. “I’m going inside.”

“You’re running away.”

“Don’t you dare judge me for doing what I must to survive.”

“Are we talking about the present or the past?”

“Push me, Drew! Go ahead and push me further and I’ll prove how well I can hide. Even from you.”

It was a struggle, but she held her ground when he came to his feet in a move as graceful and quiet as a predatory cat. “Push you? Addi, I know a little something about being pushed. I understand limits and the dark places beyond them more than any other man you know.”

She’d only ever known him. Had never wanted to know another man. “We should’ve been married.” Again, the words that came out were different than the words she’d meant to say. What was wrong with her? She needed space, time. And a different bodyguard. This was too much to tolerate.

“You have to tell Andy about me.”

Oh, but she had. Without any facts, she’d told Andy about Drew as a hero, a patriot, a strong, vibrant man who loved him no matter how much time or distance separated them. When she’d learned Drew had been killed in action, her connection with their baby buoyed her through the darkest days of her grief. She’d named their son after his father. Wasn’t that enough for him?

“I won’t let him down. Trust me, Addi. Give me a chance and I won’t let either of you down again.”

She wanted to believe him. Her heart already did. His earnest expression cracked the wall she’d built up as protection from loss and pain. From the first moment they’d met, Drew had been able to breach those barriers, but she’d built them up again—thicker and stronger—when she’d lost her husband before she’d said her vows.

Mired in that grim place, she’d been so jealous of people who had family. Simple survival meant she’d had to build some sort of defense against the world or wallow in self-pity for being denied the priceless gift other people took for granted. Her parents both dead before she’d finished her bachelor’s degree, she had no living relatives on either side of her family tree. No heritage beyond stories to pass to her son.

“I plotted ways to get even with you for leaving me at the altar. They were funny and silly at first. Romantic challenges, you might say. They turned darker as the anger set in when weeks passed and I didn’t hear anything more from you.” Why was she telling him this? It wouldn’t change anything. “I kept the note you sent.”

“Thank you.”

“I named Andy after you, hoping the killed-in-action reports were wrong and you’d be happy when you finally came back.” She reached for her necklace, slid the two charms across the chain. “But you didn’t.”

Standing face-to-face with him, she knew there would never be a wall or any defense measure capable of keeping him out of her heart and soul. She dropped the necklace back under her shirt and pushed her hands into her pockets. With Craig on the loose, she couldn’t bear the thought of putting Drew in any more danger. Bad enough Craig knew her weak spot was Andy. If he thought for a moment she cared for Drew, he’d be a target, too. She suspected Drew would blow off her concerns, but that didn’t lessen them. “It’s too late for us,” she whispered. “We’ll tell Andy the truth about you. We’ll figure out a custody arrangement.”

“It can’t be too late for us, Addi.” He paused, clearing his throat. “What we have is—”

“Was.” She cut him off. “Past tense. What we had is over. Our wedding and every day leading up to it are no more than lovely, idyllic memories for both of us.” She turned for the cabin before the tears filling her eyes spilled down her cheeks. “Too much has changed.”

“Not for me.”

She didn’t reply. Couldn’t. Oh, she heard the words. They landed softly on her heart, following her to the cabin and into restless, impossible dreams.

Chapter Ten

The next afternoon, under a hot summer sun, Drew glanced across the picnic blanket, watching Andy help his mother unload their lunch. He was a good kid, and Drew couldn’t fault how Addi had raised him. They needed to tell him the truth, let him adjust to the idea of having a real dad. It wouldn’t be easy—for any of them—but that wasn’t Drew’s biggest problem.

No, Drew understood the biggest struggle of his life was with Addi. Whoever said love at first sight didn’t exist didn’t know squat about it. Seeing her, he’d felt something inside him opening like a key in a lock. Curious, he hadn’t fought it, just followed, and soon he’d experienced a love beyond measure. A love that hadn’t shriveled under the long-distance pressure of her law school or his busy military career.