To Kill the Duke (14 page)

When he got to the bathroom, the captain of the guards was standing at the door.

“Where are you going?” the captain asked Ivan.

“Isn’t this the projection room?” Ivan said with a smile.

The captain broke out laughing. “You’re killing me comrade. You’re killing me,” he said between guffaws. “By the way,” he suddenly said in a very serious tone “if you screw up in the bathroom, Russia will be short one very funny film projectionist.”

Ivan was befuddled by that comment and walked in. All he wanted to do was wash his hands and take some towels back with him.
How could that cost him his life?
As he walked into the men’s room he instantly saw what the captain was warning him about.

There was a short man with big shoulders wearing a soldier’s uniform that was of a lighter color than Ivan had seen the rest of the men and women wearing. His fingers were interlocked and resting on the back of his head. Normally this wouldn’t be unusual, but this man was standing in front of a urinal and there was someone on his knees to the right of the short man, and Ivan could hear the sound of urine hitting the bottom of the urinal.

This is a real toughski shitski moment,
he thought as he spied the sink basin. “
That’s not normal
,” he said to himself as he began to curse under his breath, his sweaty hands forcing him into this situation. He also cursed Alex and anybody else who had contributed to his being in this room at this time. After all, Ivan had enough of bad experiences in bathrooms, going way back to Stalingrad. He didn’t want to look, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. He tried to walk to the sink to wash his hands; his legs felt like they were made out of lead.

The man at the urinal turned to his left and Ivan saw the very familiar profile of the most powerful man in the Communist world — Joe Stalin — looking at him with one eye.

I hope his other eye is trained on the guy at his feet
Ivan thought… still frozen in his tracks.

“Who are you?” the head of the Communist world asked? “And what time do you have?”

Ivan tried to talk but only started to stutter and babble.

“Oh, you’re the village idiot,” Stalin said as he put his hands on his waist and turned his head back to watch what he was doing or what the person at his feet was doing.

“Honorable leader…,” Ivan began.

Stalin turned his head to his left again. “I’ve been called a lot of things —
honorable
I have never heard. But you speak, so answer my first question comrade.”

Ivan cleared his throat, hoping that something intelligent would come out, because he suddenly realized that the man in the bathroom (not the one kneeling, if it indeed was a man), could have him killed quickly.

“Can I get a glass of water… dear, fearless leader?” Ivan asked Stalin.

Stalin laughed. It was more of a loud cackle, and he nodded yes.

This accomplished two items for Ivan. He could wet his whistle, because he noticed that his mouth was dry on both the inside and the outside. Also, he could wash his hands and put some of the paper towels in his pocket so his hands would stay dry while he ran the projector.

He drank two glasses of water, washed and dried his hands. He felt a lot better, but also now knew his sphincter was tighter than a drum, and if Uncle Joe ordered him to take a shit, Ivan wouldn’t have been able to.

“You always wash your hands after you drink water?” Stalin asked in his coarse voice. “By the way, you drank two glasses of water. I only allowed you to drink one.”

Ivan gulped very loudly.

“Just kidding, comrade. Just kidding. But if you wanted two glasses, why didn’t you ask for two?”

Ivan nodded as he noticed that the head of state was no longer in front of the urinal, but sitting on a stool that Ivan hadn’t noticed when he came in. The person who was kneeling at Uncle Joe’s feet was now standing to the side in the shadows of the bathroom.

“I don’t wash my hands after I piss. Do you want to know why?” Stalin asked Ivan.

Ivan now knew what it was like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he answered ‘yes,’ he would probably have to hear a rather smutty answer from the leader who had long dominated every aspect of his life. And Ivan Viznapu was the epitome of the common man, who liked to believe in his leaders, even though he and others suffered under their guidance. By answering ‘no,’ he might hear what he didn’t want to regardless, and fall out of favor with Uncle Joe as quickly as he had struck up this casual conversation. Furthermore, there was always the threat of torture, exile, or execution. He knew this was the ultimate toughski shitski moment. He nodded his head yes, what else was a good member of the proletariat supposed to do?

“Because I always have some man hold my dick for me. The person you saw at my feet when you entered this bathroom pulls my fly down, pulls out my dick, holds it steady until my bladder is emptied, shakes it dry, puts it back in my pants and zips up my fly… very carefully,” Stalin said as he broke out into a huge grin. “That’s why I don’t have to wash my hands!”

My leader is a faggot?
Ivan thought as he held back a gasp. For gasping at what he had just heard would mean certain death. Ivan suddenly thought that
he should say something witty like ‘I never wash my hands after I piss, because I don’t piss on my hands.’ “
I guess that’s why you’re in charge of our country,” Ivan managed to say. Once a member of the lower proletariat, always a member.

“I am in charge because I recognized the Jewish problem way before that asshole Hitler did,” a boorish Stalin added.

I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ‘Jewish problem’ in Russia,
Ivan thought. Since he had no clue what the head of his country was talking about — Ivan asked him. “What Jewish problem? I thought we all were brother and sister Communists in the Union for Soviet Socialist Republics.”

“Everyone in Russia is a Communist… or I’ll make sure that they don’t stay above ground too long. The Jews have been trying to run the world for years. I discovered that they were trying to circumvent our glorious revolution and make Russia a homeland for all the Jews. That’s why I had to have all those purges and eliminate you know who,” Stalin rudely announced.

What is this guy talking about? What purges… who is ‘you know who?’
Ivan thought to himself… extremely happy that Uncle Joe couldn’t read minds. And then, just as he was about to speak to the most powerful man in the Communist world, Ivan Viznapu remembered what the Commissar who had filmed him way back when had told him about Stalin. The Commissar filmed, fed and indoctrinated young Ivan into the world according to the Communist Party. It helped that Ivan was hungry, a good listener and wanted a uniform like the Commissar was wearing.

This is what Ivan Viznapu was taught:

“Lenin was Jewish. Trotsky was Jewish. So were most of the men and women who had worked so hard to topple the Czar. Stalin was always believed to be anti-Semitic, as are most in Russia. But Stalin’s strength is his pragmatism. Even at a young age, he knew that Lenin was his key to moving up the ladder of power in the new Russia. Stalin was a good guesser. He correctly predicted that the intellectuals and the Jewish activists would clash once the civil war was over with the Czar’s loyalists. Stalin had worked with them for years and knew that a civil war of their own about ideology would give him his chance to fill the void and be
the peacemaker. He knew he had a great chance at being the man most likely seen by both sides as the ‘one who could hold it all together,’” the Commissar had lectured Ivan.

Ivan also learned from this man that Lenin had suffered a stroke, and when it was learned by the leadership that he was ill, the civil war of ideas broke out. Stalin was then in a great position. Stalin feared Trotsky the most, so he tilted his support away from Trotsky to Trotsky’s rivals Zinoviev and Kamenev. However, Ivan also learned that Trotsky thought he held a trump card of sorts over Stalin. Trotsky knew about a letter that Lenin’s wife had in her possession, which was a detailed account of Stalin being rude and disrespectful to the Lenins. Trotsky knew that if this letter leaked out he would be ruined, because the rank and file still adored Lenin. Ivan learned that Trotsky did everything in his power to make that letter public.

“But Stalin was smarter,” the Commissar lectured Ivan Viznapu. “He always was the smarter of the two. Stalin opened up two fronts on Trotsky, and Leon never recovered. Not only was Trotsky feeling the heat from his main rivals — he was pushing for a worldwide revolution; this led many non-Jews in the revolution to start fearing that a ‘Jewish Conspiracy’ was afoot. They thought that this conspiracy would weaken worldwide support for their own revolution, and so they quickly got behind the resurging anti-Semitic movement that was creeping back into vogue inside of Russia.

Being a radical Jew and preaching worldwide revolution was making many in the Communist Party nervous,” the Commissar added. “By using his office as political secretary to pick and choose party members to fill empty positions, Stalin strengthened his hold on the voting bloc and went for Trotsky’s throat. Stalin told everyone that the revolution must be completed in Russia before it could be taken worldwide. A vast majority of the Communist Party didn’t want to meddle in other countries’ affairs. Stalin promoted a ‘USSR first’ policy, which was very popular with the party members who were sick of fighting wars, each other, and answering complaints from their constituents. To the party faithful, Stalin looked fair and balanced. The others were ‘far too radical.’”

When Lenin died Stalin was made his successor. Now, Stalin could practice his own brand of anti-Semitism. This was also known as the
first purge. Stalin went all out. He even went after Lenin’s wife (who was Jewish) when it leaked out that she had simply
thought
about giving Trotsky the letters that her husband had written. This would have cast serious doubts on Stalin’s character. This implied threat made Stalin hate Jews that much more.

The Commissar went on. “Stalin reached out to Lenin’s older supporters as a sign of unity. He met with Lenin’s sister and asked her how much ‘Jewish blood’ was really in the Lenin family? She left the room and returned with a birth certificate that showed that the Lenins were 100% Jewish. Allegedly Stalin responded to her by telling her to burn the certificates over a candle ‘very slowly.’ When the certificate had finished burning, Stalin supposedly told Lenin’s sister that ‘if one word gets out about this incident, you will burn like the paper did.’ Stalin moved even quicker to consolidate his power than he did to eliminate any traces of Lenin’s Jewish heritage.

Stalin took a great interest in what was going on in Germany. Stalin hated the fact that Hitler was right about the Russian Revolution being led by Jews. And worse… Hitler’s rants were not only selling in Germany, but worldwide. It was also rumored that Stalin once told one of Hitler’s chief diplomats that the Nazis should outlaw the speaking of Yiddish, since it was a language that only Jews understood, because they would speak Yiddish to plot and scheme.

Well, the Nazis had a different idea about how to deal with the Jews. When not interested in what was going on in other countries and seeing Trotsky-led conspiracies, Stalin started other purges. It was very easy for Stalin to choose his victims. He led the secret police, and the secret police had orders to be brutal.” The Commissar then took a deep breath and went on. “Always remember that, young Ivan. It’s about eliminating all your rivals and then being in charge of the police that set larger-than-life leaders aside from people like you and me.”

With all this clicking in the back of Ivan’s mind he announced to Stalin: “I’m your projectionist — Ivan Viznapu,” Ivan found himself saying as he offered his bathroom companion a hand to shake.

Stalin looked at Ivan’s hand as if he had never seen an outstretched hand before.

“Trotsky Number Seven… check out his hand,” Stalin said to the man who had formerly been on his knees and amongst other things holding Uncle Joe’s penis as Stalin pissed. “By the way young man, you can’t tell me the time, because you don’t wear a wrist watch.”

Ivan didn’t care about not having a wrist watch or a pocket watch for that matter. His watch had been confiscated when he got the bath at the beginning of this night.
It probably was broken anyway
he thought as he incredibly found himself yelling out “He’s not going to pull out my penis is he?!”

Trotsky Number Seven recoiled and Joe Stalin broke out into a laugh that was louder than what Ivan had just yelled; the captain of the guards quickly opened up the door to see what was happening.