To Kill the Duke (17 page)

“Don’t worry, comrade Ivan,” the man with two wooden spoons told him. “There was no poison involved, just two men who couldn’t hold their intake.”

Toughski shitski for them
, Ivan thought.

The second movie was also a documentary, but done by foreign Communists.

This made it a lot more entertaining. Add the fact that it was totally anti-capitalism; Ivan thought that the flick would play all over Russia.

What made the film extremely enjoyable to Ivan was that it showed that suffering in a Western capitalist country was worse than the suffering he (and others) endured under Communism. The movie showed how violent, moody, racist, and apathetic the people seemed to be in countries who worship money.

“Sure, we wait in long lines for toilet paper,” Ivan later told Alex “but we don’t kill each other for any apparent reason, other than for the sake of killing.”

“It’s easier to get a gun in American than it is to get chocolate in Russia,” Alex replied. “It seems even violence takes a back seat to greed.”

“They really love their guns,” Ivan said.

“The only reason that America isn’t a fascist country is because the majority of people own guns and it scares the crap out of the people in charge,” Alex said.

“But the people with guns don’t kill their leaders, they kill each other,” Ivan said.

“They’ve got to kill someone,” Alex pointed out.

“They also have a lot of very poor people who live a lot worse than we do,” Ivan said.

“And not all of them are black,” Alex said.

“Have you seen that movie?” Ivan asked his friend, because it seemed like Alex knew what Ivan was talking about as soon as the last word left Ivan’s lips.

“Not the one you showed, but many others that hammer home the same theme, comrade Viznapu,” Alex said with a deep sigh.

“What’s that, comrade?” Ivan asked back.

“Capitalism is a very good thing for those who can afford it,” Alex said. “Too bad not many in capitalist countries can afford it.”

“Those images will haunt me,” Ivan said.

“And what you experienced after the film festival
won’t
?” Alex replied very sarcastically.

“Differently comrade. Very differently,” a somber Ivan replied.

The one image that stayed with Ivan as the screening room was cleaned up after the main course and readied for the dessert portion of the party, was how on one hand America (and the West) was so prosperous, and on the other hand how all that money never seemed to find its way to help the less fortunate.

“There seems to be enough money in America alone to solve all the world’s social ills,” Ivan remarked to Alex.

“Yes comrade, but it never does,” said Alex.

“Why is that, comrade?” Ivan asked his knowledgeable friend.

“Sticky fingers. Don’t feel so bad. It’s a disease in Russia, too,” Alex added. “And when I say ‘sticky fingers,’ I don’t mean that people have forgotten to wash their hands after eating bread with honey on it. I mean that people who are in charge of giving money to the poor and less fortunate tend to siphon off most of the funds for their own personal gain. It’s a terrible disease in America.”

“Good, old-fashioned greed,” Ivan said.

“Greed isn’t good,” Alex replied.

“Toughski shitski,” said Ivan.

Ivan loaded the next movie. He was happy at how he had been handling his job. Thus far, the night had not gone as he expected after his lesson from Alex… it was worse.

But being a good Russian, Ivan Viznapu was used to coping with bad situations.

“After all, it could be worse,” was a popular saying muttered under every Russian’s breath, especially when waiting in line for toilet paper, bread, or a pair of shoes. Of course, Ivan thought his own ‘toughski shitski’ was a better saying.

Ivan expected the dessert part of the program to be nothing less than the other courses had been for the viewers who sat below him in the screening room. The workers had finished cleaning up after the main course and the business of bringing in the desserts was about to begin. Of course, this meant more toasting, but with less vodka and more brandy.

Ivan looked at the film he was supposed to show. It starred Marlene Dietrich and was titled:
Der Blaue Engel
.
Wonder what happened to
The Big Trail
?

It was a German film, which didn’t surprise Ivan Viznapu at all. After all, Dietrich was German, not to mention Stalin’s fantasy woman according to Alex. Furthermore, German was a popular cuisine with the leaders of his country. What started to perplex Ivan was the irony of Stalin and the leaders fighting the Germans to the death on one hand and liking their culture on the other hand. “I guess I’m not that deep of a thinker after all,” Ivan muttered to himself.

Ivan had seen the film when he was learning the trade of becoming a projectionist. It was a different sort of class that he had been made to take, and he didn’t regret it. It was a class on the history of films from the silent pictures to World War II. His instructor was an excellent teacher of film as art. The instructor got away with showing movies to his students like
Der Blaue Engel
, because he argued that if his students were to become excellent projectionists, they must learn to love films. The instructor’s superiors bought into the logic, and except for seven or eight shows that the instructor wanted to show — they approved. Those not allowed by the censors were
Ninotchka, Guilty of Treason: I Married a Communist, The Whip Hand, Diplomatic Courier, The Fountainhead
, and
Conspirator.

Der Blaue Engel
showed Marlene Dietrich at her vamping best. She starred as Lola Lola and drove the main male character in the film mad with desire. So mad, that he left his stuffy job as a school teacher, married her, and then slipped into madness as she drifted back into the life of enjoyment as a shared woman.

Later, Ivan learned that Stalin loved it for two main reasons: it featured the glamorous and exotic Dietrich, and the entire movie background is that of the Weimar Republic in all its pre-Nazi decadence.

Half-way through the movie, Stalin stood up and screamed out to everyone left in the screening room “This movie is why the Nazi’s came to power. Too many people were drinking and whoring around to pay attention to a bunch of thugs who wanted political power!”

When Stalin shouted out his message, Ivan noticed that a good many fellow movie watchers had passed out between desserts and downing
large glasses of brandy. As a matter of fact, Ivan counted that there were only nine men left when
Der Blaue Engel
ended and the lights came on for the clean-up.

As bodies came in to clean and remove the passed out party-goers, Ivan looked at the remaining film canisters and saw that he still had four films to show.

These drunks will never stay awake for the rest,
Ivan thought to himself as he looked at the names on the films. The films he would be showing were
Fort Apache, Destry Rides Again, Red River
, and
Sands of Iwo Jima. Destry
starred Dietrich and the other three were John Wayne films.

Ivan loaded in
Fort Apache
and took a look into the screening room, which was cleared of all people and looked as clean as when he was first shown it.

Suddenly, a bugle call sounded that was as loud as the other music had been.

Ivan peered out his peep holes and couldn’t believe what was going on.

Stalin and the others were dressed in cowboy outfits! As they ran around the screening room firing six-guns that Ivan later found out only contained blanks, a group of American Indians appeared from behind the movie screen. The Russian leaders, now cowboys, chased the Indians around, all the time firing their guns while the Indians raised their weapons, which were comprised of knives and tomahawks. It was a stirring scene for Ivan Viznapu to witness — the leader of the Communist world and his confidents dressed as American cowboys chasing real live Indians around (or, at the very least, persons dressed up like Indians). Because he had never met an American Indian, Ivan wasn’t sure if they were real or imposters from his vantage point in the projection room. He had seen their dress before in many a movie.

Alex was right about the costumes
Ivan thought.

But upon further eye inspection, Ivan realized that the scene that was stirring to him would have found its way to the cutting-room floor by any self-respecting director.

No, it wasn’t the cowboys. It was the Indians. At his first glance they had looked like real American Indians. Now, upon closer inspection, they were not only
not
real American Indians, they were women!

Russian women to be exact. Women hired for dual roles — Indians and sex-toys.

Later, Ivan remarked to Alex how flimsy the costumes were for the girls playing the Indians.

“That’s because they weren’t supposed to stay in their costumes for too long,” Alex told Ivan with a chuckle.

“Toughski shitski. And all that time while I was watching them, I thought it was the cheap Russian material that had been used to make the costumes,” Ivan said with a grin.

After running around, shooting off guns and whooping it up for a while, everyone retired to the seats around Stalin’s favorite seat (thanks to Trotsky Number Seven) and started drinking… again.

Ivan couldn’t believe that Stalin and any of the originals were still standing with all the alcohol that they had already consumed. As a matter of fact, to Ivan it appeared that Stalin was as sober as he himself was.

“Tolerance,” Alex later said to him.

“He isn’t tolerant of anything,” Ivan replied to his friend.

“Only alcohol,” Alex said softly.

After a few more shots of vodka for the cowboys and the Russian women Indians, Stalin stood up and yelled for Ivan to begin the show.

Ivan clicked on
Fort Apache
, and the remaining crowd cheered when the credits started rolling. Ivan checked on his audience and it appeared that a few more of the original festival goers had slumped over. He watched the film for a while, but found his thoughts starting to drift as to how he was going to keep himself going through three more films when there was a knock on the door and both the captain and the man with two wooden spoons entered.

“Hungry?” asked the captain.

“Need some coffee?” asked the man with two wooden spoons.

Ivan nodded.

“How long before you have to change to the next reel?” the captain asked.

“About 45 minutes,” Ivan said.

“Come with us then,” the man with two wooden spoons said, as he led them out of the projection room, down the corridor and into the main kitchen, where Ivan had first met him.

Ivan noticed that the kitchen was spotless and empty of others.

“The others have left,” the man with two wooden spoons said, as if he could read Ivan’s mind.

“Except for my guards,” added the captain.

“Eat up, comrade,” the man with two wooden spoons robustly told Ivan as he pointed to a small table in the corner.

Ivan walked over and saw that a smorgasbord of all the foods that had been devoured by the men in the screening room had been laid out for him. There was also a carafe of coffee. He poured himself a mug and let the mug’s heat warm his hands.

“Don’t you just love it when the mug warms your hands?” the captain said.

“Don’t you just love the smell of fresh coffee in the mug?” the man with two wooden spoons asked.

“I just need the caffeine,” Ivan said and the others burst out laughing.

“Comrade, you are too funny,” the captain said.

“And a damn good projectionist. Alex is going to have a tough time getting his job back,” the man with two wooden spoons said.

“Uncle Joe will use them both. He doesn’t like burning out good men,” the captain said, as he, too, poured himself a mug of coffee.

“You’re not eating, comrade,” the man with two wooden spoons pointed out.

“I’m not hungry right now. The coffee will hold me over. I think I might take some of the sweets back into the room for the later shows,” Ivan said.