To Love a Soldier (20 page)

“What the fuck is with you guys? The suck!”

“Oh, I just know that term from video game
s. It’s kind of cool.” He said, immediately regretting it. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“
It’s fine, Brady,” I said, cutting him off mid-sentence. “Boys will be boys.”

“Yeah, true.” He pulled me into
his strong arms, and I started breaking down again.

“Until they become men and go off to die in some stupid war!”

“No, he’s going to be fine,” he said, trying to comfort me. “This is John we’re talking about.”

Brady cradled me like a baby for another few minutes. I didn’t want to leave the safety and comfort of his arms. It reminded me of being little and my father hugging me, wrapping his giant arms around my entire body.
He was really turning into the knight I always dreamed of.

“After my mom leaves, we have to go to Mandy’s to give her the news.”

His eyes widened. “Holy shit, she doesn’t know yet?”

“Not yet. She knows something is wrong, but John wants to tell her himself and wants me to be there for her.”

“I understand. Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to take you? Do you want me to drive your mom to work?”

“My mom is strong. She’ll get past this. You don’t have to come, but I’d be glad if you were there for me after.”

“You’re my girl. Anything you need, I’m here for you always.”

We waited on the couch for my mom to finish and come down for work. I stared out the window in quiet. My thoughts raced, even though I tried to control them. Eventually, they were disrupted by my mom putting her hand on my shoulder. “Liz, I’m sorry. You’re right. He’s fine now and he’ll get through it. He has to.”

“I know, Mom.” I didn’t know what else to say. “I love you.”

She hugged me and kissed my forehead and then placed her hand on Brady’s shoulder and squeezed, giving him a look. He knew she was silently telling him to watch over me.

“I love you too. I’ll see you tonight then,” she said, as she walked out and shut the door behind her.

Grabbing my cell phone and jacket, I
opened the door. “Let’s get this over with,” I said to Brady as I tossed him his keys. He just nodded as we walked to his truck. We set out to Mandy’s house. It seemed like the longest drive ever.

Bad News

Mandy

I had been waiting for a while to hear back from Liz, and I was growing increasingly concerned about her. She never sounded like that in her texts. I hoped she’d get back to me soon because I had to go to work in a few hours.

Finishing
my makeup, I figured I’d grab some fruit for breakfast. I had started cutting into a grapefruit when my phone beeped.

It was Liz.
On our way. Be there soon.

My brain starting spinning.
Okay, now I’m really worried. This has to be real bad if she’s coming over just to tell me in person. Is it her? Did something happen to John?

Trying not to let my thoughts wander, I kept slicing into my grapefruit and sprinkled a little sugar on it. I went and unlocked my front door before taking a seat at my kitchen table.
Taking a bite, I let the wonderful taste take my mind off everything else. I hadn’t actually had a grapefruit since I was a child. I started to wonder why that was, helping me keep my mind occupied when there was a knock on the door and Liz opened and yelled hello.

“I’m in the kitchen,” I yelled back. “Come in.”

Peeking through the entranceway, I watched Liz and Brady come inside. Brady took a seat in the living room, and Liz headed towards me. She looked like holy hell. Brady staying in the living room was a red flag for me, and it told me this wasn’t going to be a happy visit. She pulled the other chair out and sat down, placing her phone on the table.

“You look like shit, chick.”

“I’ve been crying a little,” she said, laughing about it.

I placed my hand in hers.
“What’s wrong?”

“Before I say anything, I need you to know that everyone is
fine. Happy and healthy, okay?”

Taking a deep breath, I blew it out and did my best to stay composed. “All right. Good to know.”

“John needs to talk to you. He’s going to be a little delayed coming home to you.”

“Fuck.” I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but this feeling I’d had was coming to light.

“He wants me to call him when you’re ready,” she said, holding her phone up.

“Why couldn’t he just call me?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” she answered, too quickly.

“Sure you do.” I shook my head. “Because whatever he’s about to tell me is going to hurt, and he wants you to be there for me, doesn’t he?”

“Well, I guess it’s sort of like that. He loves you, Mandy. He just wants me to make sure you’re okay. That both of you are okay.”

“That’s sweet of him, I guess.” I smiled at Liz. “Go ahead, make the call.”

She swiped her finger a few times across the screen of her phone then held it to her ear.

“Yeah, I’m here,” she said into the phone. “Yup, she’s ready and wants to talk to you.”

Liz handed me the phone. I took a deep breath and let the air fill my lungs before releasing it. I put the phone to my ear. “Hey handsome, please just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m okay. Let’s start with that,” he said.

“Liz already told me that. I need more.”

“Okay, okay. Basically, I’m going to be like a month or so late coming home,” he said.

“That’s it? John, that’s not the end of the world. I can live with that. I don’t like it, but I can deal.”

“That’s good to hear.” He let out a sigh. “But there’s more.”

“Dammit, I had a feeling. Liz wouldn’t be crying if that was it!”

“She’s sitting there crying?” he asked.

“No, she’s not crying now, but she clearly spent all morning crying by the look of her. She looks like a troll’s ass with hemorrhoids.”

“Gee, thanks,” Liz said.

I didn’t even get a laugh from John, so I knew this was worse than I thought.

“So,” he continued. “They’re sending the unit back to the front.”

“The front?” I asked. “As in those WWII movies where the front is where everyone died?”

“Not exactly like that, Mandy.”

“It’s the suck now!” Brady yelled from the other room.

“Shut up, Brady!” Liz yelled back. “Sorry,” she mouthed.

“Tell that idiot to stop playing his Xbox,” John said. “We’re going back to Afghanistan for another tour.”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right? Isn’t a tour like years?”

“Yeah, but my unit will be there longer than me. I’m only getting pushed a little over a month past when I planned to come home, so it’s not that bad.”

“Really, not that bad? You’re going back to one of the most dangerous areas in the world right now.”

“Yeah, listen, I’m not going to lie to you. We’re all trained for this. Most of us have been there before and we know what’s going on.”

“Oh, that’s a relief,” I said, a bit sarcastically.

“I know it’s not the best news, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t just say no.”

I knew I needed to be strong for him. He needed me just as much as I needed him, if not more. He needed to know that we were okay here, so that he could put his full effort and concentration into getting back to us in one piece.

“I get it, John, I do. I just want you to think of only you. Okay? Don’t think of any of us. Worry about you and getting home. I’ve got peanut and myself covered and I’ll make sure Liz and Lisa are okay. You got it?”

“Wow, um, yeah.” He sounded confused. “I didn’t think you’d handle it that well. That’s why I sent Liz over in case you…”

“Stop there,” I interrupted him. “I’m a strong woman. I’m going to be a mother, so I need to be even stronger, and I need for you to concentrate on you, so you make it back to us. Our new family.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “I love you, Mandy. So fucking much. More than I thought was possible.”

“I love you too, John Kane. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Just make it back to me and our baby.”

“I will, but I have to go now. We are training in ten.”

“Then go train, anything to help you. Keep in touch as much as you can.”

“I’ll try, babe. I love you, and give my love to Liz.
Screw it, I guess Brady, too. Wait, no, just tell Brady I said ‘what’s up, bro.’”

“I will, handsome
.”

“Bye, beautiful.” He ended the call.

“Goodbye, John.” I put the phone on the table and looked up at Liz. She looked surprised, yet she was trying to hold back her tears.

“You’re sweet, Liz,” I smiled at her. “He’s your brother, flesh and blood, and yet you’ll come here, putting
aside your emotions to console me.”

“I’m trying,” she said, breaking into tears.

I couldn’t help but let a few tears slip myself. Brady came running into the room and grabbed Liz and hugged her.

“Brady,” I said, sniffling. “John says ‘what’s up, bro.’”

Brady looked up at me and his entire face lit up. “Wait, did he say what’s up or what’s up, bro?” he asked.

“Bro, what’s up bro,” I said.

“That’s awesome! I think I’m in.”

Liz wiped her face clear of tears and started laughing. “You’re such a dork face.” She poked him in the rib.

“Ouch, fuck!” Brady jumped and grimaced.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, babe. I forgot about the stitches!”

“He’s a pussy, Liz,” I said. “That’s why I’m marrying a marine.”

“Hey, that’s not cool,” Brady said.

“Liz, in all seriousness, did he tell you anything else? Anything he didn’t want me to know?”

“Not really. Basically, the same thing he told you. He reassured me he’d be okay. He reminded me about his cool sergeant who’ll be looking after all of them.”

“Oh, well that’s reassuring, knowing his sergeant is cool.”

“No, I just said that because I talked to him for two hours one night when I
Skyped John, and he wasn’t there. The sergeant answered. He didn’t want whoever cared for John to be worried, so he answered and explained where John was and stuff. He’s been in the Marines for like 15 or something years.”

“So, that’s supposed to make John safe?” I asked.

“Sort of. He really takes care of his men. He does his best to keep them out of harm’s way. At least that’s what John tells me.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be bitchy with you.
This is all still really new to me. There’s got to be a learning curve or something.”

“Totally understand,” Liz said. “It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks with a lot of worrying.”

“Did he tell Lisa yet?”

“Yes, right after me.”

“How did she handle it? I can’t imagine she was happy.”

“Well… Mom was pretty upset at first. Fear, hurt, anger. I think she had a range of emotions.”

“Yeah, I was in the other room and it was freaking me out,” Brady chimed in. “I’m surrounded by entirely too much estrogen! I’m definitely going to start getting meriods.”

“Right,” Liz continued. “But she ended up dealing with it fairly well before she left for work.”

“That’s good. We should probably come up with some things to keep her, hell, all of us, occupied.”

A smile broke on her face.
“That’s a good idea.”

“How about like I can take you guys shopping, or to shoot pool?” Brady
recommended.

“Or how about things like planning a wedding, a baby shower, some interior design for your house and baby’s new room?” Liz said.

“That’s more along the lines of what I was thinking, too. A lot of this belonged to my grandparents.”

“Oh, that sounds cool, too,” Brady said.
Though, I think shopping was low on his fun scale.

“Didn’t really plan on including you there, buddy, but I guess if you
really want in. Can you operate a drill?”

“
Ahh, let him join. It’ll help him deal with his feminine side,” Liz cracked.

“I hate to kick you out, but I’m going to be leaving for work soon, so I need to finish getting ready.”

“Of course,” Liz said, standing up from her chair. “Are you sure you’re okay? You know we’re here if you need anything, right?”

“I’m sure, but thanks for checking. I know I can come to you if I need to.”

“All right, later, Mandy,” Brady said as he walked towards the front door. He grabbed Liz’s jacket and helped her put it on.

“See
ya, Brady. Bye, Liz.”

“I’ll call you later, bitch,” Liz said. “Come on, sexy. I need you how you thought before.”

I don’t even want to know…

They closed the door behind them and I sat back down, staring at my half eaten grapefruit.
I can do this. I can make it through.
He’ll be fine.
Picking at the grapefruit, I attempted to distract myself, but it was harder this time, knowing what was going on. I picked up the grapefruit and gently squeezed it, so the juices flowed into my mouth. I had accidentally triggered a memory.

John and I were fooling around one night and he was being goofy. He was grabbing my boobs and kept referring to them as juicy grapefruit. It hit me hard. I quickly swallowed the juice, so I didn’t choke on it and have a coughing fit. I put the grapefruit down and ran to the kitchen sink to wash my hands. The water flowed between
my fingers, and I took a deep breath. I could feel a meltdown pushing up, but I did my best to contain it.

Grabbing a paper towel, I ripped it off the roll and dried my hands. Opening the junk drawer, I dug around until I found a pad and pen. I sat back down at the table and pushed the grapefruit aside. I began to write John a letter. It immediately reminded me of those Dear John letters I had seen in movies and TV about the
letters to soldiers in other wars, probably because I started it, “Dear John.”

We just got off the phone a little while ago. I stayed strong. I stayed brave. I’m not, but I wanted you to think I was. I will never mail this to you, for fear it would affect your judgment
, and that’s the last thing I want. John, I’m scared. I’m so scared. I worry for you and you only. I can’t imagine my life without you now that you’ve entered it. I can’t imagine having the strength to bear what your mother has had to bear all these years. She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known. I shake at the thought of having to raise our child alone. I can’t bear to even think of a day he or she is old enough to ask where Daddy is. I need to get this out to help me deal with this. I feel for your sister who loves you so much. Her bond with you is so strong, and most people would be envious of what you have. I feel for your mother who had to deal with the loss of her husband, your father, to a war. I admire him, even not knowing him. He was you, and you are him.

You’re kind, caring, and clearly brave. You are a loving, selfless soul that I am so honored to know, and can’t handle the thought of losing. I will do my best to stay strong for you, John. It’s going to be hard, knowing where you are and not knowing how you are. You were hurting. Hurting from the things you’ve seen, and even had to do. That tears me apart inside and I wish I could
take that burden for you. I truly do. You will come back to me, John. You have to! And when you do, I’m going to be waiting, arms open, and I will do everything I can to help you heal. We’re going to raise our child together, and hopefully, you’ll want more because I’ll definitely be onboard for that. I want to grow old with you. I want nothing more than you by my side.