To Mend a Broken Heart (15 page)

* * *

“Merry Christmas, Munchkin!” Ryan greets me when I arrive at their house on Christmas eve.

“Merry Christmas, Giant!” I laugh.

“Did Santa bring presents?” he asks looking at my hands.

“He did. But with strict instructions not to open them till tomorrow.” I give him my most serious stare.

“Right.” he nods.

I walk into the kitchen to find Ginny up to her elbows making sausage rolls as was her Christmas eve tradition. She has Christmas songs playing and is singing and making faces at Aidan who is sitting in his highchair playing with some building blocks.

“Merry Christmas, beautiful!” I call over the music.

“You’re here!” Ginny says excitedly, wiping her hands on her apron, “Merry Christmas!”

Ryan takes the presents from me and takes them into the lounge while I wrap my best friend in my arms and jump up and down a little excitedly. Aidan claps his hands and gurgles at us like he wants in on the action too.

“Are you all set for tomorrow?” I ask Ginny.

“Pretty much yes, I just need to get these done then I can relax. Have a glass of mulled wine and enjoy this little man’s first Christmas.”

“How is Daniel?” Ryan asks, coming back into the kitchen.

“He’s okay as far as I know. I haven’t heard from him this afternoon.”

“So, tomorrow is the anniversary?”

“Yes. Can you imagine a worst day… I mean any day would be horrendous, but Christmas day?”

“It’s heartbreaking.” Ginny says.

“I’m going straight round after this, we’re having dinner and I’ll stay until he’s ready for me to leave.”

“He is so lucky to have you sweetheart.” Ginny smiles, squeezing my hand.

“I’m lucky to have him too. Tomorrow won’t be easy for me, but I’ll have something else to focus on.”

“You’ll help each other, just like you have been doing since you met.”

We spend an hour chatting, I have one small glass of mulled wine and two sausage rolls before I have to leave. Ginny loads me down with sausage rolls, mince pies and chocolate log insisting it wasn’t any trouble at all. Ryan helps me out to the car with the bags of presents I have and the food. When everything is inside the car, I stand there and say goodnight to my friend.

“I’m thinking of you tomorrow, Munchkin.” he whispers as he hugs me.

“Thank you. I’m thinking of you too.”

“Wherever he is, Kate, he’s happy, safe. And he’s happy for you.” Ryan tells me.

“I hope so, Ryan, I really, really hope so.”

“I know so. Now go make that Blonde Giant of yours smile when he needs to smile the most.”

“He isn’t mine.” I scowl as I get into the car and open the window to wave. Ryan leans down and sticks his head into the car, grinning from ear to ear.

“I think he is. Merry Christmas, both of you.”

I pull onto Daniel’s drive and stop the car. I sit there for a minute, just trying to calm my racing heart a little. This is a huge thing for me. Not only is this my first Christmas without Richard, but it’s Daniel’s first Christmas without Poppy. Tomorrow is the anniversary and I don’t know just how I am supposed to be there for him, if he wants me to be with him or just in the house. I guess we’ll work it out when I get inside. When Richard died, I never imagined I would be spending this Christmas with another man. Regardless of the fact he is a friend, it’s another man and I am so confused right now. How I am supposed to feel? What I am supposed to do? I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Sad I’m without Richard, but relieved I’m not completely alone.

I take one last deep breath before I step out into the cold, dark Christmas eve night. Lights are glowing from inside the house and I know Daniel is in there. I can picture him sitting in his reading room, book in hand, waiting for me to arrive, to help him keep his mind off of what tomorrow is, unsure of what it will bring. I reach into the boot and lift out my overnight bag, the bags of presents I’ve brought for us to open tomorrow and the ones Ginny has given me for both of us along with her food packages. I head to the door and use the huge brass knocker to let Daniel know I’m here. I see him walk towards the door and when he opens it, I’m immediately pulled into an embrace and squeezed so tightly all the air leaves my body.

“I’m so glad you’re here, I’ve been going crazy waiting, I’ve spent the last hour in Poppy’s room.” he pulls back and I see his eyes are red rimmed and puffy.

“You should have called me, I would have come straight over. I’m so sorry.” I reach up and cup his face in my hand.

“You’re here now.” he pulls me to him again and breathes in deeply.

* * *

As we get closer to midnight, the atmosphere changes. Daniel changes. He stops smiling, he stops talking, he just stops. His eyes are glazed and focused on the wall in front of him, the wall that has the handprints on. I shuffle closer to him and he leans so he is resting his head on my shoulder.

“There is this God awful pain in my chest, Katie. I walk around with it every single day. I try to pretend I don’t feel it, but I do. I’ve just become so used to it.” he whispers.

I don’t say anything, I just listen. He needs me to listen without interrupting, he needs me to listen without telling him everything will be okay, because I don’t know if it will be. No one does.

“I wake up in the night and I think I hear her call to me. I’m sure I can some times, so I have to get up and check, I have to go into her bedroom and turn on the light to see she isn’t there because,” he takes a shuddery breath, “because I hope I’m dreaming and when I wake up, she’ll still be here. Only, you’ll be here too.”

He reaches down and holds my hand in his, lacing our fingers together before bringing them up to his lips and pressing a kiss to my fingers. The lines of our friendship have become more and more blurred of late. Our relationship changing, still a friendship but with feelings I don’t know what to do with or even what to think of it. Daniel and I hug, we hold hands. He will place kisses on my forehead and pull me into his arms. It’s confusing me and causing me to question if we need to stop spending so much time together. But he gives me so much comfort and I know I give him comfort too. I don’t want to stop it and I don't see why I should.

“I’ll always be here, Daniel.” I tell him, running my thumb over his hand.

We sit together not talking for a few minutes. When Daniel gets to his feet, I follow him with my eyes. He walks over to his bookcase and pulls out a photo album. He comes to sit back down and opens it, resting it on both of our thighs. The first page is of Poppy and Daniel when Poppy was a baby. Each photo is stunningly beautiful. One of my favourites is of a very tiny Poppy resting on Daniel’s chest, he is pressing a kiss to the top of her tiny head. Being a father came as naturally as breathing to Daniel, I can tell.

As we flick through the album, Poppy ages before me. Another is of Poppy in the smartest little winter coat and hat, she is surrounded by orange and yellow leaves. Clutched in her little hands are a pile of leaves too and her face has the most beautiful cheeky smile. She is incredibly beautiful and so much like her Daddy. I laugh when I see the next photo, Poppy dressed in the most beautiful white fluffy tutu and on her tiny little feet, reaching right up to the top of her legs, are a pair of Daniel’s boots. She is looking down at her feet, her smile just visible.

“Do you know how many times I found her wearing my boots?”

“She liked your boots? They are so big she could have sat in them!” I smile, brushing my hand over the photograph.

“She loved to put her prettiest dress on and slip her feet into my oldest, scruffiest pair of boots,” he half smiles, “I didn’t understand it then, I don’t understand it now.”

“She loves you, I get it.” I take his hand in mine and bring it to my lips.

“I miss her, Katie. Not just today, not just tomorrow, all the time, every single day.”

“I know you do,” I rest my head on his shoulder, “I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t need you to say anything, I just need you.” he rests his head on mine and we just sit there, looking down at the photo of the most beautiful little girl in her pretty dress and her Daddy’s scruffy boots.

Chapter Fourteen

After the long night, I don’t wake up until ten on Christmas morning. I look over and see Daniel is still fast asleep on the mountain of pillows on the floor. He looks peaceful and warm and I don’t want to wake him. I get up and head upstairs into the spare room, I want to brush my teeth and text Ginny. She will already be awake and getting everything ready for her day ahead. Twenty minutes later I head back downstairs and into the lounge, creeping over to the Christmas tree, I switch on the lights then head into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. Daniel comes into the kitchen ten minutes later looking sleepy and warm, his face still a little creased and soft with sleep. He walks right over to me and wraps me in a hug, pulling me to his warm delicious smelling chest.

“Happy Christmas, Katie.” he whispers, his voice thick with sleep.

“Happy Christmas, Daniel. How are you feeling?” I press a little kiss to his chest and inhale him.

“I feel…
delicate
, but not from drinking, it’s odd. Thank you for being here, for staying up with me last night, for listening.”

“I wanted to be here. Did it help? Me being here?”

“It always helps you being here, Katie. Are you making coffee? Using Bruce? Even though you’re scared of him?” he jokes.

“Yes… Well I was going to, but since you're awake. You make the coffee and I’ll make the bacon sandwiches!” I laugh.

“Bruce isn’t so big and tough when you know how to use him.” Daniel tells me, kissing the top of my head and walking over to the coffee machine that intimidates me.

“He still scares me, it’s all the nozzles and settings and stuff,” I shake me head, “You know a kettle only has an on switch.”

“Yes, but I’ve never tasted a coffee that comes from a kettle that is a patch on what Bruce makes.”

“Not even mine?” I gasp in mock surprise.

“Not even yours, Katie,” he laughs while he gets to work making our coffee, “Why do you think I bought you the coffee machine?”

I move about Daniel’s kitchen making bacon sandwiches for us both. When everything is ready, we take our coffee and breakfast into the lounge and sit on the floor on the pillows and blankets that acted as our bed last night. We tuck into breakfast, the fact Daniel has his back to the fireplace and therefore avoiding looking at the handprints on the wall is painfully obvious.

“When can I give you your presents?” he asks finishing his sandwich.

“Well, right after I give you yours.”

“Well can that happen soon?” he grins cheekily at me, “I really want to give you your presents.”

“You’re very impatient.”

“I’m excited, I want to give you your presents, please, can I just go first?” he bounces a little where he sits.

“Oh, go on then.” I smile, rolling my eyes jokingly. Daniel is happy right now and I want to do everything in my power to keep him that way.

Daniel crawls over to the Christmas tree and picks up a box. It is beautifully wrapped in gold paper with red baubles on, the finishing touch being a big perfectly tied, red bow. He crawls back over and sits down, looking at me, he holds his hand out, palm up with the box resting in his hand.

“Happy Christmas, Katie.”

“Thank you.” I grin. I untie the bow carefully and slip the lid off, nestled inside the box is an envelope. On the front of the envelope are nine little words, written in elegant script;

You can now cross one thing off your list

“My list?” I ask, looking up at him.

He just nods. I pick up the envelope and slide my finger along it to open it. When it's open, I reach inside and pull out a gift voucher for two people to go on the Orient Express.

“
Daniel..
” My voice is so thick with emotion it's barely a whisper.

“Take whoever you like, I want you to go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it more than most, Katie.”

“Daniel, it's.. It's too much. I know how much these cost.”

“I don't care how much they cost, I don’t care about anything other than knowing you like your gift.”

“I love it, it's the most thoughtful, special, amazing gift I've ever had. I can't believe you remembered.” I wipe the tears and smile at the beautiful man in front of me.

“I remember everything you've ever told me, Katie.” He smiles,

“Somehow I think my gift can never compare to yours.”

“It doesn't need to, no one is comparing. You chose it, I will love it.”

I lean over and pick up the box that houses Daniel's present. I hand it to him and wait, and while I wait I try to work out exactly why this incredible man has done this. Why he has spent so much money on me? A person he has only known for six months. I know in the six months we've been in each other lives he has come to mean more to me than anyone, besides Ginny, Ryan and Aidan, but they are my family. I guess Daniel is my family now too.

“Oh, Katie.” Daniels choked voice brings me back to the present. I look up and into two blue eyes that are swimming with tears, “It’s perfect.”

I struggled to think of a present that would be fitting for Daniel this year. I didn’t want to make it any sadder than I knew it would be, but I didn’t want to ignore the significance of today, and this year especially. I knew it would be perfect. I’d named a star after Poppy and his present explained that.

“She is with you always, even in the darkest times, especially then, she will shine brightly, she will guide you and she will always help you find your way.”

Daniel crawls over and wraps me in his arms, pulling me into his lap. Burying his face in the crook of my neck, he lets all the emotion he feels come flooding out. Today was always going to be difficult. It was always going to be emotional and traumatic, but I hope being here with him makes it a little easier. As difficult as this day is for me, I can’t even imagine how awful it is for Daniel, the fact he has even got up today amazes me.

“It is the best present I’ve ever received. The only one that could top it was the day Poppy was born. Thank you, Katie. Thank you so much.”

Present giving isn’t over, I reach over for another gift I have for Daniel. I found this quote weeks ago and asked Ginny to help me get it stylised. It’s just writing with a pile of books underneath, a pile of books containing all of Daniel’s favourites. The quote reads;
a reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.
When Daniel unwraps it, he smiles from ear to ear then gets up and goes into his reading room to hang it up. When he comes back, we unwrap the gifts Ginny gave to me yesterday.

“I gave them your presents yesterday, right along with mine.” I tell Daniel as I watch him unwrap his present from them.

“Thank you, they really didn’t need to buy me anything. I just wanted to say thank you.” he tells me, lifting the photo frame out of the box.

The frame contains a series of photos. The photos Ginny took the first time they met Daniel are in there, as are others from the summer. Every photo brings back happy memories for both of us. Daniel gives the frame pride of place at the bottom of the fireplace, smiling at me as he places it there. When I think all the presents are finished, Daniel surprises me with one last one. The most beautiful photo of me I’ve ever seen. It’s one from our trip to the beach. I’m looking into the camera and laughing, the light is a golden glow behind me and I look happy and carefree.

“Thank you, so much. It’s beautiful.”

“Of course it is, it’s a photograph of you.” he smiles.

Christmas day ends with Daniel and I watching
Harry Potter
on the TV. I’m curled up on the sofa, with my feet in Daniel’s lap watching Harry take his place on the stool as the sorting hat is placed on his head. The hat yells
Gryffindor
and everyone cheers. I don’t remember falling asleep, I don’t remember coming up to bed, but I wake up surrounded by darkness and a sleeping Daniel next to me. I roll back over and curl into his back, the comfort and peace I need washing over me when he sighs sweetly in his sleep and covers my hand with his. I drift off to sleep safe and warm with a smile on my face.

* * *

The Christmas week passes quickly. Daniel has moments of being utterly consumed by grief, in those moments, I hold him and try to soothe him with my words. I’m not sure if it helps. Tonight is New Years Eve and Daniel and I are going to a party that Ginny and Ryan are having. I am looking forward to it and I am pretty sure Daniel is too. I’m in the spare room getting dressed while Daniel gets ready in his room. Ginny said it’s a smart do, dresses for the ladies and suits for the men. I’ve been shopping especially to get a new dress, I haven’t dressed up in months and I want to make an effort.

I’ve fallen in love with a black dress; it’s halter neck and the top and back is lace, I love lace. I’ve decided to team it with my simple black pumps.
Simple?
They are
Louboutin’s
and were a gift from Richard. They go with every outfit and I adore them. I’ve pinned my curls up loosely, with hair framing my face and decided on heavy eyes and natural lips. Simple diamond stud earrings finish off the outfit and I’m pleased with how I look seeing as I’m out of practise. I’m just slipping on my stockings when there’s a knock on the door.

“Katie? Can I come in?”

“Can you just give me five minutes?” I huff, trying to attach my suspender to the lace top..

“I’ll be downstairs.”

I finally manage to attach it and look at myself in the mirror. The strapless basque is giving me a shape and it looks pretty sexy, not that anyone is going to see it, but I know it’s there. I slip into my dress and heels and spritz myself with some perfume. I throw my lipgloss and phone into my bag and head downstairs. Daniel has his back to me so I can enjoy looking at him without him knowing. He’s wearing a black jacket and trousers and going by the white at his neck, a white shirt finishes the look. His broad shoulders look incredible and I know when he turns around, he’ll look perfect. As my heels hit the tiles in the kitchen, he turns his head and his eyes go wide. I guess he likes my outfit too.
I’m right, he is wearing a white shirt and a thin black tie, the look is perfect for his tall, lean frame.

“You look, sensational, Katie.” he smiles at me.

“You look pretty dashing yourself, Mr Lambert.” I grin.

“Are you ready?”

“I am. Let’s go celebrate a new year.”

Daniel drives us to Ginny and Ryan’s and parks his car over the road. We both walk over to their house, Ginny throws the door open and squeals in delight at our arrival. She wraps her arms around me so tight I squeak.

“Ease up!” I cough, “I can’t breathe!”

“Sorry, I just missed you this past week!” she smiles.

“That would be my fault.” Daniel says from behind me. Ginny steps up to Daniel and wraps him in a hug too.

“How is the Blonde Giant?” she teases him.

“I’m good, how are you?” he smiles.

“Good, let’s get inside shall we? Ryan is just taking Aidan to his parents.”

“Oh no, I don’t get a hug!”

“Not tonight. You’ll get plenty tomorrow though if you come round for lunch?”

We walk through to the kitchen and I smile, Ginny has a gorgeous silver and purple colour scheme this Christmas. The house is covered in twinkly lights and there are balloons and streamers everywhere. It looks perfect and I’m not at all surprised. Ginny knows how to throw a party.

“Wow, it looks amazing, Ginny.” I tell her.

“I know,” she grins, “It took me ages!”

“Where can I put this?” Daniel holds up the bottle of champagne he brought with him.

“Oh,” Ginny grins, “The good stuff! I’ll put it in the fridge for later.”

Ryan appears then saying hello and the boys go into the lounge, Ginny and I stand and arrange little mini quiches on trays and then place them on the table. Everything looks delicious and my mouth waters.

“You look so happy, Kate.” Ginny whispers.

“I feel happy right now.” I whisper back.

“How was your week together?”

“Christmas day was tricky, it was sad for both of us but we worked through it. We’ve had a few wobbles this week, but overall, it’s been good.”

“You’re amazing and I love you.” she says simply.

“And I love you.”

“Enough with the flirting you two, come and help me choose the music!” Ryan calls from behind us, “Unless you’re going to let me join in?”

“No chance!” Ginny tells him, slapping his bottom.

“Always worth a try.”

Ginny and I compile a playlist of songs for the evening and press play. The first song to come on is one of Ginny’s favourites and she pulls me to the big cleared out lounge to dance with her. I forgot how much I enjoy dancing and being carefree. It feels good to be smiling. When the doorbell rings, Ginny goes to answer it while I go in search of a drink. I find Daniel helping Ryan arrange drinks in the kitchen which is doubling up as bar tonight. He’s smiling and chatting, he looks relaxed and happy. I help myself to a glass of red wine and head back to the lounge where the guests are now standing around chatting. I say hello to everyone, knowing almost everyone and get chatting to a couple I remember from last year. An hour and three glasses of wine later, Ginny and I are back dancing with the other ladies while the guys stand around chatting. I look up and catch Daniel’s eyes on me. I bring my hand up and crook my finger at him. He puts his glass down and comes over to me.