To See You Again (37 page)

I take a deep breath and knock on Tim's door. In
my hand I'm clutching my formal resignation letter. He glances up at me and
then motions with two fingers for me to enter. Here goes nothing and
everything.

"Tim, may I have a moment of your time?" My voice
cracks just the tiniest bit, but I'm determined to get through this with my
integrity intact. There will be no crying.

"You have it," he says curtly, not bothering to
look up at me.

I push the letter across the desk to him and watch
as he reads it, his eyes move side to side as he takes in my carefully-worded
memo. He sets the letter down and looks up at me.

"Are you sure?" His face is blank, unreadable.

"I am, and I would just like to say—". Before I
can finish, Tim cuts me off, holding his hand up.

"If this is what you want, then two weeks' notice
is unnecessary. Security will supply you with a box for your things and will
help you to your car. You can be finished this morning." Practically ten years
of my life working for this man and he can't even bother to look up at me for
more than a few seconds. If I wasn't sure about my decision to change jobs
before, I sure am now. I sit quietly while Tim calls security.

When he hangs up he sorts papers on his desk and
refuses to look at me. "All the arrangements have been made," he says sternly.
"You no longer have a working access code, so don't touch your computer or your
files when you collect your things."

"No problem," I mutter. We're clearly done here.

*** *** ***

I ring Vanessa's doorbell a little before five
armed with a pizza and Candyland.

"Hey, girl!" Vanessa swings the door open, giving
me a look that is both happy to see me and confused. "What are you doing here
and what's all this?" She asks, taking the boxes from me as I kick off my
shoes.

"We're celebrating me quitting my job." Amazingly,
uttering these words doesn't make me nauseous. In fact, I feel more
self-assured than I have for years.

"Get out!" she shouts. "What on earth are you
talking about?" Just then, her girls, Maddie and Lindy, come roaring around the
corner.

"Mommy, did you just tell Aunt Rachel to get out?"
Maddie's bambi eyes look back forth between us nervously.

We both laugh. Vanessa bends down to her
daughter's eye level. "No, honey. It's just an expression."

"Oh, it was an espreshun, Lindy," Maddie says,
swirling her skirt around. "Aunt, Rachel?"

"Yes, dear," I bend toward her. She looks just
like her mother, with her beautiful curls and big brown eyes.

"Will you come see the Play-Doh man I made? He has
green ears!"

"I'd love to! And actually, if it's OK with your
mommy and daddy, I'm going to watch you two tonight so they can have a date."
Maddie immediately cheers, but Lindy looks a little concerned. I smile into her
worried face. "I brought pizza and Candyland!"

"Pizza!" the girls cheer in unison, and go running
off into the next room.

"What's this?" Vanessa asks, looking shocked.

"It's my way of saying thank you for being an
endlessly amazing friend," I say. "You've helped me through so much and I feel
like I'm finally coming out on the other side. I know I should've given you
notice, but the idea came to me and I just didn't want to wait."

Ryan emerges in the foyer. I was hoping he'd be
home, too. "Hey Rachel! It's nice to see you in the light of day. Did you take
the day off?" He scratches his head, giving me a once over.

"No, she quit her job!" Vanessa says, still
looking shocked. She hands him the pizza box.

"It's OK guys, I accepted another offer already. I
haven't gone off the deep end. In fact, this is me getting my life together,
finally. I wanted to thank you for all the support you've given me, by offering
you two a night out. I'll feed the girls and get them to bed. You guys have a
nice date."

"Wow, Rachel. That's very kind. Come on in," he
waves me into the living room. "We don't have to stand out here talking."

I sit down on the couch opposite of them, and
watch as the girls tear into the Candyland box, inventing their own play with
the pieces inside. I tell Vanessa and Ryan about the new job, and how excited I
am. I relay the story of my resignation, Tim's coldness, and getting escorted
out by security in front of everyone.

"When do you start the new job?" Ryan asks.

"Not until the start of next month, so I'll have
almost three weeks off. I won't know what to do with myself!" I laugh and they
do too.

"I'm proud of you, girl." Vanessa says. "So, what
made you arrive at this decision?"

"I had this moment when I realized almost nothing
in my life was how I wanted it to be. I didn't feel like I could take a leap
into a relationship, especially one bound to be serious, if I felt like the
rest of me was just in chaos." I bite my lower lip as thoughts of Collin flood
my mind.

Vanessa raises her eyebrows and mouths, "Collin?"
I nod and an enormous grin spreads across her face.

The girls shriek with delight, chasing each other
around with the little Candyland figures. I smile at them, thinking how glad I
am that they gave me the flu. "When I got sick and missed that meeting, things
really fell apart. Then the break-up with Beckett—it was like everything in my
life just hit the fan at once. It was the worst and the best thing to have happened
to me. What I've learned is when everything in your life falls apart, it really
makes you realize what's worth putting back together."

I inhale a deep breath and level them both with my
eyes. "There's something else too, that I want to tell both of you." Ryan and
Vanessa stare at me earnestly. "Collin is back in my life and I think things
are going to be pretty serious between us for what I hope to be a long time." I
turn toward Ryan. "Ryan, I know you were friends with both Spencer and Beckett,
and from your point of view this probably seems like an irresponsible repeat of
history. I'm not going to try to tell you what to think, and I guess I get it
if you don't like Collin." I take a deep breath and then almost chuckle at how completely
uncomfortable he looks. "The thing is, I think he and I are really good for
each other, and I want to make it work with him. It would mean a lot to have
your support." Ryan raises his eyebrows at me, making sure I've finished talking
before he begins to speak. We've never been independently close friends, but
through Vanessa we've spent a lot of time together, and have become an
important part of each other's lives. I felt like I owed him this conversation.

"Look Rach, this is your life, and if Collin makes
you happy, I say, go for it. I never knew the guy all that well to begin with,
so I shouldn't be judging anyway. Besides, I'd like to think that I'm different
than I was in college. I'm sure he's changed for the better, too." Vanessa pats
Ryan's knee. She's clearly pleased with his response. He smiles tensely at us
both. He wants out of this conversation, like now.

"Thanks, Ryan. That means a lot." He nods,
smiling.

"We love you, Rachel, and from what I've seen, so
does Collin. I really hope you two find happiness in each other," Vanessa
chimes in.

"I love you guys!" I leap up and reach to hug them
both.

Maddie turns to see me embracing her parents and
screams: "Group hug!" She and Lindy climb on top of us and we all become a pile
of hugs and laughter.

I begin extracting myself from the giggling tangle
of arms and legs. "Alright, you two, get out of here and enjoy your night!" I
command.

"You don't have to ask me twice," Vanessa
declares. "Ryan, I'm going to run up and change. I'll meet you in the car in
fifteen minutes."

I don't give a flying shit that today is my
birthday. Usually the only people who even acknowledge it are my mom and Reba.
Last year that short list included Leighton, too. The only meaning today holds
for me is that is finally the day I get to see Rachel. Every single day this
week has dragged on endlessly with each hour seemingly passing slower than the
last. Thank God work was busy or I might've completely lost it. How the hell I
managed to go a decade without her seems incomprehensible to me now. I almost broke
down and called her twice, but Reba insisted I give her the space she asked for,
and has repeatedly reassured me all will be well. She's no relationship expert,
but she's basically all of I've got, so I've chosen to believe her.

I did text Rachel this morning to confirm details
and to make sure she wasn't backing out. She returned the text saying she could
come by any time. It took more willpower than I'd like to admit, not to drop
everything at work and tell her I'd see her in five minutes. She and Reba are
both supposed to show up around 5:30. I left work early and went for a long-ass
run hoping I could literally exhaust my nerves. It only worked a little.

*** *** ***

"You look nice," Reba coos, giving me a
mischievous smile. She must've arrived while I was in the shower. She's perched
on a stool facing the kitchen island and snacking on pita chips from my pantry.
A food that undoubtedly is banned from whatever fad diet she's on now. I guess
it only counts if she buys it herself. "Are you excited?"

I scoff. "Excited?" She nods enthusiastically.
This is about as giddy as Reba's ever been about anything concerning me.  "Not
exactly. I mean, what if she took this week and decided she needs us to stay
just friends? She said she didn't want me to ‘fix her', which I wasn't trying
to do. I have no idea where that came from. She's perfect the way she is." I
run my fingers through my hair. I can't decide if I'm shocked or horrified at
how I just spewed all my worries all over the place right in front of my
ridiculous stepsister. I also can't decide if saying out loud exactly what I'm
feeling means I've made progress or officially fucking lost it. Reba's smile
grows. She's freaking loving this. I can't believe I'm reduced to this ‘girl
talk' with my stepsister. What has this woman done to me?

"Settle down, Collin. It's going to be fine. I
think it's great you see her that way, but what matters is how she sees herself.
I think that's what she was getting at."

Reba might be ridiculous, but she's also
definitely had my back. If she thought this whole thing was about to blow up in
my face, she'd let me know. I feel sure of that. Besides, if there's one talent
Reba has always had it has been to get a quick and accurate read on other
girls. She didn't always use her girly intuition for good when she was younger,
but most of that bullshit has washed away as she's grown up. I kick her with
the tip of my shoe. "How did you get to be so smart?"

"I learned it from watching you," she quips.

I laugh at her reference to an unfortunately
comical just-say-no-to-drugs ad from our childhood.

Her phone chimes and she extracts it from her
jeans and studies her message. "I'll be back in a few. Why don't you pour yourself
some wine and try to chill out a bit?"

"Well, since I've been listening to all the rest
of your advice, I might as well not stop now, right?" She smiles as I pull a
wine glass down from the cabinet.

"Pour one for me too, K?"

"You got it," I call after her.

Rachel

I wave to Reba as she comes bounding down the
sidewalk to my car. When she reaches me I can't hide my excitement. I'm
babbling away before she can get a word out.  "Reba, thank you so much for
helping me. I think it turned out really well. Do you want to see it?"

"Yes! Yes! Hurry up before he sees us out here!" She
bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.

"Look at you," I say touching her arm, "it's so
nice to see you this excited and joyful.  I remember when I first met you there
wasn't much that put a smile on your face. I never dreamed we'd be friends
someday, but I'm so thankful we are." I smile at her. I owe her these words and
possibly much more for all she's done for Collin, but I'm
not
going to
cry in the middle of the sidewalk, so this is all I can say for now.

"Oh, you're the sweetest, Rachel." She sweeps me
into hug so tight it nearly knocks the wind out of me. "I see why my brother is
losing his mind in there."

"He is?"

"Oh yeah. I think there might be gel in his hair."

I can't help but laugh out loud.

"What?" I exclaim. A smile expands across my face
so wide that it nearly hurts.

"I know, right?" She nudges me. "Anyway, enough of
the chit-chat— show me what you made!"

I grab the gift bag from where it sits on my passenger
seat and gently move the tissue paper aside, extracting a large, black canvas
book. She flips to the front page and inscribed on the interior of the cover
are the words Collin's dad wrote to him.

"Don't create because you're trying to make something
great. Create because the act of doing it will be great." – Gage Jackson.

Below that I included a personal note. I see Reba
reading it and decide that as intimate as my words to Collin are, I don't mind
sharing them with her.

Collin,

This is an artist's book that I've started for
you. It begins with how you became the artist you are today and it ends however
you decide. I'm thankful for every moment in here I shared with you and am
already dreaming about all the new memories we will make together.

Love always,

Raven

Reba closes the book and runs her hand along the
binding.

"Collin is going to love this.
Hell,
I
love this. It's really great, Rachel." She shakes her head, beaming.

"Thanks. I'm glad you think he'll like it."

 Reba raises her eyebrows and inquires in a
hopeful tone, "Can I see the part that I helped with?"

"Oh, sure! Of course you can."

She hands it back to me and I open it up to the
page containing the childhood photos Reba supplied. I'd asked her to find
snapshots of happy memories, especially ones that involved him engaging in art.
I was a little worried she'd have trouble finding anything, but it turned out
that she knew about a box of his mother's things, which she later referred to
as a "gold mine". My favorite one is of Collin, when he's probably no older
than four, teetering on a stool in the kitchen next to his dad.

"I scanned them all to create a solid page," I
explain.

"It's incredible, Rachel! So, he can add things to
this, right?"

"Yeah. I just started it for him with the stuff
you found and some things I saved from back in the day. I'm hoping it might
help him to find some closure and process things?" I shrug nervously. "I'm
excited to give it to him, but also a little anxious. What should I do? Should
I just hand it to him?"

"Oh, I got that covered. Collin dragged out all
the deck furniture this afternoon." She giggles. "He basically can't sit still.
Anyway, we can sneak up the back steps and put it on the table there. Then,
when you're ready, you can take him outside for the big reveal." She waves her
hands in the illustrative way game show models do, and we both giggle like
little girls.

 "I like your style, Reba. Let's do this!"

After we successfully pull off our hide-the-birthday-gift
mission, we sprint to the front of his house. Reba opens the door for me.

"I believe you're the guest of honor. After you."

Collin

Just the sight of Rachel sends relief flooding
through my veins. My first thought is about how hot she looks. It's inarticulate,
possibly even immature, and definitely sexist, to have such a basic caveman
thought about her, but damn, there it is. I inhale and get my shit together.
Whatever may or may not happen between us tonight is about a hell of a lot more
than my carnal thoughts. Her hair is in soft waves, framing her face, and she's
wearing a light blue sundress, which perfectly matches her eyes. There's a
different energy about her, too. She looks relaxed and happy. Really happy. I
have the urge to run to her and scoop her up in my arms, and make good on at
least one of the fantasies I dreamed up in my head this week, but I hold back.
I have to. Just her arrival here tonight is not an answer to the question I
left suspended between us almost a week ago. Not really. There's a voice inside
me, though, one that is growing louder by the second and it's telling me that
she's here for me. Her hair, that dress, those eyes—for the first time ever, it
really feels like it could all be for me.

"Look who came dressed up for my birthday party,"
I say, guiding her into my house. "You look beautiful, Rachel." She gives me a
shy smile, and when we reach my kitchen I pull her into my arms. She allows the
hug and I can feel her holding me in return. She wants this…I feel hope and possibility
filling in all the tiny spaces in our tight embrace. "Am I'm allowed to say
I've missed you?"

"It's allowed." She pulls back and looks up at me.
I can see in her face that she's sincere and search as I might, I can't find
any trace of the worry and panic that seemed to consume her before. My heart
rate has accelerated again, but this time the cause is joy and excitement and
there isn't an ounce of the paralyzing fear I felt when I laid everything I had
at her feet.

I brush her chin with my knuckles gently. "Something
is different about you." I eye Reba who is standing off to the side, looking
like the cat that ate the canary. These two have been up to something. I have
to grin at the thought of the two of them being in cahoots on a regular basis.
I'm screwed.

"There are a lot of things different about me, and
I can't wait to tell you all about my week, and the plans I have for my career
and everything else…but right now, it's your birthday and I have something for
you."

I feel a stupid grin spread across my face, but I
can't control it, not today. Rachel grabs my hand and pulls me toward the
sliding glass door that leads to my deck. When we reach the threshold, she
pauses.

"Close your eyes." I hesitate and she commands, "Do
it, Collin!"

"Alright, alright, geez…" I do as she says and feel
her tug me through the doorway. Once we're outside she squeezes my hand.

Still hanging on tight to me she says, "OK, open
them."

Sitting on the table is a large, black gift bag
with white tissue sticking out. Not wanting to let go of her, I cover my mouth
with my free hand, trying to suppress my smile. I turn toward her. "Rachel,
just having you here on my birthday is gift enough. You didn't have to buy me
anything."

"Good. ‘Cuz I didn't. Now, open it." She releases
my hand and gently pushes me toward the table where the gift sits.

I toss the tissue aside and extract a
cloth-covered book. I glance at her and she nods for me to open it. The first
thing I notice is the quote from the letter I shared with her. I turn a page
and find a collage of childhood photos in black and white. She's collected so
many pieces of my life, and tied them all together with my father's words. I
flip back to the first page and see that she's included an inscription. I read
it and then turn to her, my eyes filled with tears. "I love it. How did you?"

"Reba helped a lot." Rachel says, gesturing toward
her.

I whirl around and give Reba a hug. "Thank you.
Thank you for everything." She embraces me back, and I realize more than ever
before how real my connection to my stepsister is. We are family and the death
of our parents isn't going to change that.

Wanting to see it all at once, I open the book
back up and turn to a page that features an old photo of Raven and me at the
center. Surrounding it are cutouts of stationary in my handwriting.

"Those were from old letters you wrote to me," she
says, answering my unvoiced inquiry. I'm floored she kept anything I wrote to
her. "I hope it was OK I used your dad's letter," Rachel says, in an
uncharacteristically meek voice.

"It's perfect. You're perfect." I can't wait any
longer. I tip my head down and kiss her. Somewhere in the background Reba lets
out a whoop.

My lips reluctantly release hers. "Happy birthday,
Collin," she murmurs. "I hope you'll add to the book."

I nod my head. "Absolutely."

"Good." She looks relieved. I reach out and touch
her face delicately with one hand. "You signed it ‘Raven'?"

"I never stopped being her. I just forgot, but you
helped me remember," she whispers.

I can't help myself. I take her face with both my
hands and kiss her deeply. She gasps and kisses me back. I could go on and on,
never stopping, but Reba's here, and there's only so much of my love for my
girlfriend that I really want my sister to witness. I pull back and smile at
her.