To the Moon and Back (15 page)

Tony slowly massaged his aching temples; this was definitely a side effect of growing older he could do without. Back in the day, half a dozen large Scotches would barely have affected him. They definitely wouldn't have given him a hangover of this magnitude.

But his headache was the least of his worries this morning.

What was that invention thingy he'd heard about? Some kind of dexterity test connected to your computer that you had to pass before it would allow you to access the Internet. So that if you just happened to down, say, half a dozen large Scotches during the course of the evening then be seized by a burning compulsion to send the kind of email you wouldn't dream of sending if you were sober, you wouldn't be able to send it.

Except you always could, of course, because this was Beverly Hills. You'd just call someone up, a member of staff or some employee from Geek Squad and arrange for them to come over to the house and for a small fee perform the necessary dexterous task in order to allow you onto your email account.

But since he hadn't had that particular invention thingy installed, he hadn't even needed to do that. Instead he'd opened his laptop, entered Martha's email address, typed out his message, and pressed Send.

There, done. As easy as that.

Stupidly easy.

And he hadn't been so trolleyed that he couldn't remember what he'd written, either. Lacking in literary excellence his words may have been, but they'd come straight from the heart. His wounded, lonely, desperate, and inebriated heart.

Oh Martha,

I know I shouldn't be doing this but I just have to. I miss you. I miss you so much, Martha, all the time. I know I shouldn't, but that only makes it worse. I'm doing my best to get over you. Guess what? It's not going so well.

I hope all is well with you. Have you sold lots of paintings? Not given any more away, I hope. And how is Henry? And are you doing OK? I won't ask if you miss me too.

Right, I'm off to bed now. Will you even read this? Maybe you just delete my mails without looking at them. But don't worry, either way I won't expect a reply.

Sorry. Just needed to say it.

I love and miss you, beautiful Martha, more than you'll ever know. But I do understand.

Be happy.

All love,

T x

Tony watched the computer screen shimmer into life. Had he gone over the top this time? Might there be a letter waiting in his inbox from Martha's solicitors, warning him that his messages constituted harassment and any more would result in his immediate arrest?

Then his heart did a flip, because there among the list of emails that had come in overnight was one from Martha. For the first time in weeks, she'd sent a reply. Tony concentrated on keeping his breathing under control. For several seconds he couldn't bring himself to open it, in case her reaction was too cruel to bear. If she announced that she was blocking his address he would have to accept that he must never attempt to contact her again.

How could he bear that?

His hand shook as he moved the mouse.

Click.

And there was Martha's email up on the screen.

Very short and to the point, she'd written:

I miss you too.

***

‘Ooh, I've missed you
so much
!'

‘I can't breathe.' Niall was grinning at her, his hair slick with rain. ‘You're choking me.'

Roo loosened her grip on him; when he'd come through the front door she'd launched herself at him like a monkey. ‘I can't help it. I'm excited. Did you have a miserable weekend too?'

‘What do you think?' He'd been forced to spend it at a business conference in Southampton. ‘I've had sales targets and expansion strategies up to here. God, let's not talk about it now.
You
'—his fingers deftly unfastened her navy satin bra—‘are looking spectacular.'

‘Not so bad yourself.' Roo retaliated by sliding off his suit jacket and removing his tie. She wasn't going to ask him how Yasmin and Ben were. She wouldn't even think about them. It was Monday lunchtime, Niall had rushed over from work, and they only had forty minutes before he had to race back. They had no time to waste. Hence the fact that she was wearing scarcely any clothes in preparation…

Thirty minutes had passed in the most glorious way imaginable. Her skin sheeny with perspiration, Roo lay on her back in the bed and stretched pleasurably, like a cat. In the bathroom across the landing, Niall had already jumped into the shower. In ten minutes he would be on his way back to work but she wasn't going to whine about it. He'd be over again tomorrow evening. She would be cheerful and understanding, the kind of reaction that would
make
him want to see her again, then maybe in a few months when—

De-dee-doo-ding.

Roo stopped breathing and turned her head. It was a muffled sound, quiet but instantly recognizable, signaling that Niall's mobile had received a text.

Which wasn't unusual in itself. But in all the months she'd known him, it was the first time Niall had left his phone unattended. Normally it went everywhere with him, even into the bathroom. The two of them were never parted. Now, like a child glimpsing Father Christmas and finding herself unable to resist investigating further, Roo slithered out of bed and followed the direction the noise had come from.

And there it was, in the pocket of the trousers he'd so hastily discarded earlier. She held the phone in her hand and saw that the text had come from a contact listed only as V.

V… V… Offhand, all she could think of was Vivica, one of his former co-workers. She had left the company a couple of months back; Niall had gone along to her leaving party. He'd also mentioned in passing that she was a bloody good saleswoman, single, and hardworking.

Roo stood there, naked and clutching his mobile, her mind in a tizz. Partly because it was the first time she'd been able to clutch his mobile. But also partly because some sixth sense was telling her she really should be opening this text.

Her thumb hovered over the button. If she pressed it, the message would appear.

If she pressed it, Niall would know she'd pressed it.

The next moment, in the bathroom, the shower was turned off. A jolt of adrenaline coursed through her, because now she had less than a minute left. If she was going to press the button, she had to press it now.

On the one hand, Niall might hate her for spying on him. He might be furious.

On the other hand, she had to know what the message said.

Had
to.

Oh please don't let it be bad…

She pressed it.

OMG, best weekend ever!!! When can we do it again? (And again and again!!!!!) Call me asap.

Lots of love, V xxxxx

No, please no. Roo whimpered with fear, her brain struggling to take in the significance of the words. She felt sick… as if she might actually
be
sick. Across the landing she could hear Niall opening the shower door, stepping out onto the tiled floor. She couldn't confront him; her head wasn't ready yet. There was a loud buzzing in her ears, he'd be out of the bathroom in less than forty seconds, there wasn't time for anything now, he had to be back at work…

OK, get rid of the message. Breathless and fumbling, her fingers suddenly as huge as sausages, Roo pressed and pressed the necessary buttons. She clutched the phone to her chest to mute the tinkly notes it emitted with each new action. Finally the message was deleted, vanished, gone forever.
Almost as if she'd imagined it, except she knew she hadn't.
Clumsily and in the nick of time she slipped the phone back into Niall's trouser pocket. Then the bathroom door opened and he reappeared, vigorously toweling himself dry with her favorite lilac towel.

Roo blurted out, ‘I need the loo,' and hurried past him.

By the time she re-emerged, he was fully dressed and ready to rush off.

‘I don't want to go.' He planted a perfunctory kiss on her mouth, at the same time patting his jacket pockets. ‘But I have to. Shit, where's my phone?'

She stood there and let him find it, saw the momentary look of anxiety change to one of relief as he pulled the mobile out of his trouser pocket and instinctively checked the screen. No new messages. Cool. He shot her a confident smile and said, ‘Right, I'm off. I'll see you tomorrow, OK?'

‘Yes.' Her voice sounded high and strange, but Niall didn't notice. He ruffled her hair then raced downstairs, let himself out of the house, and—
woop, click, clunk—
jumped into his car.

Frozen to the spot, Roo listened to the sound of it disappearing off up the road. Her brain was still fizzing over, making rational thought impossible. Less than ten minutes ago, she'd had a boyfriend that she adored. OK, so he had a wife and baby, but other than that he'd been close to perfect.

And now, thanks to one little text, her whole world had been turned upside down. Because try as she might, she was having trouble coming up with a convincing explanation as to how it might not mean what it appeared to mean.

Five minutes later, still perspiring but no longer in a good way, she'd managed to track down Vivica on Google. Yet another example of the miracle of technology doing something incredibly clever, yet you couldn't help wishing sometimes that it wouldn't. Life had surely been simpler, easier, and less wracked with pain before the advent of the Internet.

Vivica + ‘Broughton and Wingfield Associates' on Google Images had brought up three photos of Vivica Mellon being presented with a trophy for achieving outstanding sales figures last year. She
looked
like a saleswoman too. Her shiny dark hair was cut in an efficient bob, she used red lipstick and lipliner, and she was wearing a navy crimplene trouser suit.

OK, the crimplene bit probably wasn't true but it made Roo feel better to think it. The look of stop-at-nothing triumph on Vivica's heart-shaped face told her all she needed to know about her character. If she worked in a shop and you wanted a pint of milk, she wouldn't let you out again until you'd bought the fridge.

Was it her?

Was she sleeping with Niall?

Was it all happening again?

Shaking, Roo switched off the laptop. She couldn't bear it. All her life she'd fallen for men who started off perfect and morphed into bastards. Time after time, one way or another, they'd let her down and broken her heart.
Trampled on it.

Meeting Niall, she'd really thought she'd hit the jackpot. This time, at last, it would be different.

Then, once he'd captured her, he'd told her he was married.

Which wasn't great, admittedly, but there were excellent reasons why he was being unfaithful to his wife.

Or were there?

And now this.

She didn't know it for sure, but it was looking as if Yasmin wasn't the only one Niall was cheating on.

Roo felt panicky and nauseous and horribly alone. One way or another, she was going to have to find out.

Niall's name came up on the screen and Roo braced herself. This was it. She picked up the phone and pressed Answer. ‘Hello?'

‘Hi, it's me.' His voice was cautious. Which, on its own, pretty much confirmed her worst fears.

‘Oh, hi.' Roo kept her own tone cheery. Last night she'd barely slept. Today her stomach was still churning and she hadn't been able to eat a thing. But it was important to sound normal, normal, normal…

‘Everything OK?'

‘Everything's fine! Why wouldn't it be?'

‘No reason.' Pause. ‘Um, did you look at my phone yesterday?'

‘Your phone?'

‘It's just that someone says they sent me a text as a joke, but I didn't get it.'

He'd worked out the timings, hadn't he, found out exactly when it had been sent. Roo waited, then said evenly, ‘Would that be someone beginning with V ? And ending in kiss kiss kiss?'

His silence told her everything she needed to know. That was it, then.

‘It was just a joke,' said Niall. ‘One of the guys at the office was messing about, winding me up—'

‘Niall, it wasn't a joke. Why don't you just be a man and admit it? You've been sleeping with Vivica Mellon.'

More silence. The final confirmation.

‘I suppose some people are just greedy,' Roo went on. ‘Why settle for one mistress when you can have two?'

‘Look, it's not the same thing. I swear to God, she's just someone I used to work with.'

‘And now you're sleeping with her.'

‘Once. One weekend, that's all it was. She made all the running. She
chased
me.'

He was still lying. All of a sudden she could tell. It was like a one-way mirror suddenly, magically, becoming two-way, revealing everything. ‘Oh my God,' said Roo, ‘you are unbelievable.'

Another pause.

‘Well, fine then.' Niall abruptly switched gear. ‘So that's it, is it? You don't want to see me again. All over.'

Fear and panic engulfed her. Fear and panic and… a strong sense of déjà vu. Of course, that was it, the good old double bluff. It was a ploy she'd encountered before, designed to frighten you into backing down. And she
had
backed down, because it was the equivalent of seeing a rather nice handbag in a shop and idly trying to decide whether or not to buy it, then hearing someone else exclaim, ‘Oh, wow, look at that amazing bag, I have to have it!' The threat of losing something instilled terror and desperation into your very soul…

But not today. She wasn't going to fall for those tactics again. This time she was going to do the right thing.

‘Yes, it's all over.'

‘Roo.' His voice softened instantly. ‘Babe, you know you don't mean that.'

‘Oh, I do.' She was shaking but determined. ‘I really do.'

‘You want to give up what we have together, all for the sake of a silly… blip? That's crazy. I told you, Vivica means nothing to me. Look, I'm stuck here at work but I'll come over this evening. I'll be there at eight, then we can talk properly, sort everything out.'

‘Don't come over. I don't want to see you again. Or speak to you again. I can't believe I ever trusted you. But that's me, I'm just stupid.'

‘Roo, we need to—'

‘And I won't be changing my mind either.' She had to get off the phone now, before she lost all control. ‘Goodbye, Niall. Tell Vivica her lipliner really doesn't suit her. And tonight, just for a change, why don't you try going home to your wife?'

***

‘How does it look?' Ellie emerged from the bedroom and did a twirl, showing off her new red dress with the spaghetti straps and floaty hem. She'd bought it from Wallis, especially for tomorrow night. ‘Good enough to meet your family?'

‘Perfect.' Todd held out his arms and came towards her.
Oh God, here we go again, he's gearing up for another kiss
. She got out of it by puckering her lips and turning it into a jokey one instead.

‘Mwah! And if it gets a bit cold I can wear it with my purple silky jackety thing. Right, let me just change out of it now, then we'll be off.'

Escaping his grasp, she headed back to the bedroom. Tonight a whole group of girls from Brace House were going out to a show. Paula, who had arranged the evening, had insisted she went along with them and stayed the night on her sofa to avoid a late journey back across town. ‘Oh, Ellie, you
must
come, it's ages since we saw you! How are you coping over there? How
are
things with you?'

Paula, bless her, was like a young mother hen. But she meant well and she had a good heart. Anyway, it would be lovely to see everyone again and catch up with all their news. Ellie was looking forward to it. And Todd, who had come over to show off his new car, was giving her a lift into the West End.

Ellie stepped out of the dress and changed into white jeans and a khaki tank top. As she was looping the spaghetti straps onto a hanger, the doorbell went and she called out, ‘Can you see who that is?'

Moments later Todd called back, ‘It's Roo. She's on her way up.'

‘I'll be out in a sec. Did she say if she wants something?'

‘Not really. I think she's crying.'

Ellie put down the coat hanger. ‘
What?
'

Roo was crying. But trying hard not to. Her bleached white hair looked as fraught as she did and her eyelids were puffy. When she saw that Ellie was made up and dressed up for her night out with the girls, she said, ‘Oh, you're going out…'

‘Here, come and sit down. What's happened?'

‘It's Niall.' Roo was clutching a balled-up tissue. ‘It's all over.'

Todd raised an eyebrow. ‘He finished with you?'

Honestly, men. Ellie shook her head at his lack of tact.

But Roo said, ‘No, I finished with him. I can't believe I did it. You know what? He was seeing someone else.'

Ellie gaped. ‘
Besides
you and Yasmin?'

‘Oh yes. Some girl he used to work with. They spent the weekend together.' She wiped her eyes as a couple more tears seeped out. ‘He's such a bastard.'

‘But you already knew that,' Todd announced. ‘Good riddance, that's what I say. You're better off without him.'

‘I know.'

‘So I don't get why you're crying.' He looked genuinely baffled.

‘Because I loved him. Because I thought he loved me.' Roo sniffed and said miserably, ‘Because it's the story of my stupid, pathetic, useless life.'

‘Oh, Roo…' Torn, Ellie checked her watch; they really should be leaving now.

‘And he might come over,' Roo went on, ‘to try and make me change my mind. I don't want to be there in case he turns up. But you're going out.' She gazed beseechingly at Ellie. ‘Could I stay here, just for a couple of hours? Would that be all right?'

Ellie made up her mind. ‘Look, I'll cancel. Let me just call Paula and explain, then I can stay here with you.'

‘No, no.' Roo shook her head vehemently. ‘No way, that's not fair. You're not giving up your night out because of me. That'd just make me feel worse.'

‘Well, I'm not leaving you here on your own.' Equally adamant, Ellie folded her arms. ‘I
can't
.'

‘Look, I'll stay with her.' Todd picked up the keys to his precious new Toyota and turned to Roo. ‘OK?'

She blinked, taken aback. ‘
You?
'

Ellie had always been aware of the slightly tricky atmosphere between them. Todd had made no secret of the fact that he disapproved of Roo's relationship with Niall. Roo, in turn, had reacted by becoming flippant and defensive.

‘I don't know if that's a good idea,' said Ellie.

‘Come on, it's the only way. I'll drop you on Shaftesbury Avenue then come back and keep her company.'

Roo said warily, ‘And give me hassle all night? Because I'm telling you now, I'm not in the mood to be lectured to by Mr Morality.'

‘He won't. He'll be nice.
Won't you?
' Ellie pointed a warning finger at Todd. He was right, though; she was the main reason Paula had organized tonight's get-together. It wouldn't be fair to let her down now.

Todd said evenly, ‘Of course I'll be nice.'

Fresh tears leaked out of Roo's eyes as she picked at a loose thread on the frayed knee of her jeans. Clearly not trusting him for one minute, she mumbled, ‘And you're not allowed to say you told me so, either.'

Todd didn't reply.

‘Oh
God
.' Roo let out a wail of despair. ‘What the hell, I deserve to be miserable. Just go ahead and say it.' She shook her head in defeat. ‘It's all my own fault.'

***

It was eleven o'clock and the most bizarre and powerful thing was happening. In her whole life, Roo had never known an experience like it. For the last three hours, she and Todd had talked nonstop. He had told her all about growing up with Jamie, their deep friendship, his past girlfriends, his family, and his career. In return she had told him about her music, her childhood, and her lamentable history with the opposite sex. And somehow, over the course of the evening, her perception of Todd Howard had undergone a complete sea change.

Or… or…
his
perception of her had altered and the fact that he was now viewing her differently meant she was able to relax and stop being so prickly and defensive.

Or something. Either way, it had been the most unbelievable transformation. Out of nowhere, a kind of electricity had sprung up. Each time she looked at Todd she could feel it. And from the way he was looking back at her, gazing unwaveringly into her eyes, he was feeling it too.

Not that either of them had said as much. But it was right there, hovering in the air between them like smog.

And, also like smog, it was breathtaking. She was finding it harder and harder to breathe…

‘OK.' Todd abruptly broke the silence that had fallen. ‘Are you waiting for me to go first?'

‘What?' Roo's glass was empty but she picked it up and took a nervous pretend sip anyway. Her teeth clanked against the rim.

‘Hey. You know what.' He took the glass and placed it on the coffee table. Then he reached for her, cupped her face in his cool hands, and said, ‘I never thought I'd be doing this, not in a million years. But I have to.'

Their mouths were just inches apart; any closer and she'd go cross-eyed. On his way back to the flat, Todd had stopped at the liquor store and bought a single bottle of wine; that was all they'd had between them. Roo knew she wasn't drunk but she'd never felt so powerless.

‘What about Ellie?' Her voice caught in her throat, came out as a croak.

‘Oh God, I know. I don't want to hurt her. But… it's not right.'

‘I know it's not right! We can't do this! I have to leave… that's it, I'm going home.' Roo struggled to pull away, scrambling clumsily to her feet. But Todd was shaking his head, standing up too, not releasing his grip.

‘I didn't mean it like that. It's me and Ellie… our relationship's not right. I've tried and tried, but it just isn't working. It's not even a proper…
thing
.'

‘We still shouldn't be
doing
this.'

‘I know.' He pulled her close to him, wrapped his arms around her, and just held her tightly. Without moving. For twenty, thirty seconds they stayed like that. The longer Todd didn't kiss her, the more desperately she wanted him to. Her skin was buzzing, her whole body had never felt so alive. Finally, he released her and gazed deep into her eyes. ‘Well? Shall we stop now?'

Roo couldn't speak. Was this how it felt to be on death row and hear that your final appeal had been turned down? All she could do was gaze back in wonder and drink in the details of his face, of those features that had seemed so ordinary before yet had become, in the space of just a few hours,
extra
ordinary… the broad forehead, those curly eyelashes, and the gray eyes that, close up, were flecked with sparks of amber. His face was just the right shape for his features, his mouth was irresistible… oh God, she had to back away but she couldn't do it, she just
couldn't…

‘No.' Todd smiled slightly, reading her mind. ‘Me neither.' He reached for her hand again—
electricity, more electricity than she knew what to do with—
and led her to the doorway. ‘Come on, we can't stay here.'

Together they left the flat and made their way across the road. The tingling skin was still happening. Roo felt as if she were in a dream… she was no longer responsible for her actions…

Oh, for crying out loud, how utterly pathetic, of course she was responsible. Who else was she hoping to blame it on? She stopped dead on the pavement outside her own house and dug her heels in. ‘This is wrong. It's not going to happen.'

‘Roo.' Todd took a deep breath. ‘Just so you know the truth. I need to explain about me and Ellie.'

She clapped her hands over her face; it was Niall and Yasmin all over again. ‘I don't want to hear it.'

‘You must. What did I tell you before? Listen to me. It's not a proper relationship. There's no sex,' said Todd. ‘There's no intimacy. It's not real, it's not working. I thought it would, but it hasn't. And now I'm trapped. I've got myself into a situation that I can't get out of.'

‘So you're telling me you don't want to be with Ellie.' Roo gripped the black wrought-iron railings. ‘But she wants to be with you.'

‘I don't know. I think so. But I can't honestly tell.' There was genuine pain in his eyes. ‘And I was the one who started it, so what can I do? On paper we're perfect for each other. We had Jamie in common. I knew how much she was missing him and I wanted to make her feel better. And I've tried, I really have tried my best, but it's just not happening.' Todd shrugged helplessly. ‘If it was anyone else, I'd finish with them, but how can I do that to Ellie? She's been through so much. I'm not going to be the one who hurts her again.'