To the Moon and Back (16 page)

Talk about a close call. Thank goodness she'd come to her senses in time. Filled with self-loathing, Roo said, ‘Of course you can't. Oh God, and look what we almost did to her tonight. I can't bear it.'

‘But you did it to Niall's wife.'

Was that how Todd thought of her? As the lowest of the low? Her fingers ached now from gripping the railings. ‘That's different.' Even if it was still despicable. ‘Ellie's my friend.'

‘It's not just sex, though. You and me.' He gazed at her with genuine emotion. ‘This… thing between us. I know it's come out of nowhere… but it feels
real
.'

‘Forget it. None of it's real and nothing's going to happen. You're leaving now, and I'm going to bed.' Awash with shame, Roo said, ‘Will you tell Ellie about any of this?'

Which was like asking Prince Charles if he enjoyed eating boiled kittens. In disbelief, Todd said, ‘Of course not.'

‘Right. Bye, then.' Roo watched him turn away. The guilt almost more than she could bear, she didn't tell him that she might.

‘What are you doing?' said Todd.

Ellie carried on texting. They were on their way to his mum's barbecue in Wimbledon. ‘I've been trying to get through to Roo all day. She's still not answering her phone. I hope she's all right.'

‘She'll be fine. You look nice.'

‘Hmm?' Her fingers flying over the keys, Ellie finished her message:

Roo, call me back. Are you OK? Worried about you!

Love, Ellie xxx.

She pressed Send, then glanced up and said absently, ‘Oh, this dress? Thanks.' Now why was he looking at her like that? Had she done something wrong? Quick, think… right, she was his girlfriend, maybe he was waiting for her to come up with a compliment in return. She smiled brightly, touched Todd's crisp cotton sleeve, and said, ‘Your shirt's very nice too!'

***

‘Here they are! Oh, will you just look at this?' Maria Howard's excitement knew no bounds as she turned and saw them coming through the French doors that opened on to her back garden. Her arms flinging wide like an angel's wings, she sent a mini wave of Pimm's cascading into the herbaceous border. ‘My wonderful son and his beautiful girlfriend! Come here, come here… oh, Ellie, it's so lovely to see you again! And don't you look perfect together!'

‘Sorry,' Todd murmured in her ear. ‘I did warn you.'

He had, but there was still no escape. Ellie found herself smothered in Maria's Lauder-scented, flowery-bloused embrace. She was touched by the welcome, even if it did mean she felt a bit of a fraud. Everyone was going to think she and Todd were a proper couple in a normal relationship. Whereas in reality she was feeling more and more like an alien doing her best to pass herself off as a human being.

‘You don't know how happy it makes me.' Maria was now holding her at arm's length, surveying her with pride. ‘Seeing the two of you like this. Poor Jamie, we all loved him so much. But he'd want you to move on with your life.'

Ellie nodded and said, ‘I know,' a lump springing to her throat. The last time she'd seen Todd's mum had been at Jamie's funeral and her memories of that day were hazy. Before that, they'd met a few times. It was slightly intimidating, though, that Maria was gazing at her as rapturously as a future mother-in-law. Hastily, she handed over the card and present she'd brought along and changed the subject. ‘Anyway, happy birthday! You're looking fantastic!'

‘Am I? Oh, you're so sweet!' Maria gave her another hug. ‘We're going to have such fun… we can go shopping together! Now, come over and let me introduce you to everyone. They've all been longing to meet you. Todd, get Ellie a drink and something to eat… Sue, Sue, where's Tanya? Look who's here!'

The next hour was a whirl of new faces, struggling to remember everyone's names, and being told over and over again what a lovely couple she and Todd made. People also gave her sympathetic looks, told her she'd been through so much, and murmured encouragingly how brave she was, before brightening and moving the conversation on to the much happier future. Maria's sisters, cousins, friends, and neighbors meant well and they were nice people. There was much jolly talk about her and Todd, and jokey speculation about whether it was time to start looking out for a new hat. When Ellie ate a chicken drumstick and asked Maria what had been in the marinade, Tanya had exclaimed, ‘Ooh, bit of a cook, are you? Lucky old Todd!'

When she'd admired Sue's necklace, Sue had clutched her arm excitedly and said, ‘I got it in Venice. Have you ever been there? Oh, you and Todd must go, it's the most romantic place in the world.' Prompting Dave and Hazel from over the road to chime in that Venice was where they'd spent their honeymoon, whereupon bouffant-blonde Rita from next door beamed at Ellie and said, ‘Now
that's
an idea, isn't it?'

Ellie smiled and did her best to dismiss it as harmless fun, but it was too unsubtle, too often, too much. It was like being trapped in a 1970s sitcom. Maybe if she and Todd had been a proper couple she'd love all the saucy double entendres and wedding talk, and it would be giving her a nice warm glow of belonging. But this was just making her feel claustrophobic. They couldn't carry on like this; she was going to have to do something about it.

But not now, during Maria's birthday party. That would just ruin everyone's night.

Instead, she concentrated on being cheerful, enjoying the food, dancing along with everyone else to the music, and having fun.

At midnight, Ellie shared a minicab home with Brendan and Judy, friends of Maria's who lived in Hampstead. Before leaving the party Maria hugged her and said squiffily, ‘You know what? I love the bracelet you gave me, but you're the best birthday present I could have wished for. You and Todd getting together has made my year!'

Ellie had refused Todd's earlier offer of a lift home, to enable him to relax and have a drink. When they said their goodbyes he kissed her and whispered, ‘Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.'

In the minicab on the way back to Primrose Hill, Judy insisted on getting her phone out and showing off a seemingly endless selection of blurry, postage-stamp sized photos of their three grandchildren. ‘Oh yes, they're the light of our lives, aren't they, love?' She gave Brendan a dreamy smile. ‘Wouldn't be without them for the world, would we? Bless her, Maria's always asking after them; she's been desperate to become a granny for years.'

Oh good grief.

‘When Todd moved to Boston she was petrified he'd meet someone out there and settle down in the States for good,' Brendan chimed in. ‘She was so relieved when he decided to come home.'

‘And now he's got you,' said Judy. ‘Is it any wonder she's over the moon? I tell you what, love, you'd never want for a baby-sitter with Maria around.'

Help…

***

It was past midnight and Roo's stomach was in knots. Guilt wasn't an emotion that had ever featured largely in her life.

Until today, this morning, when it had seized her in its viselike grip and changed everything. Oh yes, it was making up for lost time now.

And she, Roo Taylor, was going to change as well.

Moreover, this wasn't a whim. It wasn't like waking up one morning and deciding to have a bit of a spring clean or go on a diet. It was so much more than that. Because to date she'd led a charmed, stress-free,
selfish
life. And let's face it, she hadn't always been a nice person. Worst of all, she hadn't even realized it, had simply carried on regardless, pleasure-seeking and doing things that had the potential to hurt others. She had drunk too much, taken too many drugs, slept with men she should never have slept with. And if they'd happened to have wives or girlfriends at home… well, she'd still gone ahead and done it anyway, because why the hell shouldn't she? God, looking back on it now, she'd been a disgusting, despicable human being. Her behavior had been abysmal and she should have been thoroughly ashamed of herself.

Gazing out of the window at the empty darkened street, Roo dug her nails into her palms. Well, now she was. And she was determined to make amends. Her old life was behind her and the new one had begun.

She hadn't even drunk any coffee today. Just tap water. That was how serious she was.

No more alcohol either.
Ever
.

Just lots and lots of visits to… church. Oh yes. If that was what it was going to take, she'd even keep doing that. She'd paid one a visit this afternoon, in the desperate hope that God would speak to her. It had been cool and musty smelling inside, with overtones of wood polish. The wooden pews had been slippery and uncomfortable. Dust particles had danced in the colored beams of sunlight shining through the stained-glass windows. A fly had buzzed around like a mini fighter jet. God hadn't spoken to her, as it turned out, but that didn't matter. Instead, her conscience had. In fact, actually hearing God's voice might have freaked her out completely, so she was glad it hadn't happened.

This way was better. She was going to do it herself.

Roo stiffened as headlights rounded the corner, lighting up the street. The minicab pulled up opposite and she held her breath.

Ellie was back.

Please let her be on her own. Yes, she was. Throwing open the window, Roo stuck her head out and called, ‘Ellie?'

Ellie swung round and looked up as the cab moved off down the road. ‘Oh, sweetie, I've been so worried about you! Are you all right?'

Was she about to lose her friendship for ever? Was she even right to be doing this?

Yes. She had to be honest. It was the only way.

Her chest tightening with fear, Roo said, ‘I'm OK. Look, I'm sorry, I know it's late.' Her voice cracked. ‘But can you come over?'

‘…So that's it. Todd didn't want me to tell you, but I had to. And you mustn't blame him. It was all my fault. But I promise on my life it'll never happen again. And I'm going to make it up to you, if you'll let me. I know you must hate me. I hate myself. But I've changed. I'm a different person. I'm going to make up for every bad thing I've ever done. But I just want you to know I'm so, so sorry.'

Ellie shook her head. She'd listened in silence while the whole confession had come tumbling out. She could have said something sooner, but Roo was so desperate to get everything off her chest it would have been wrong to jump in and stop her in her tracks.

Now she said, ‘I can't believe it.'

Roo hung her head. ‘I'm sorry.'

‘Thank God.'

‘What?'

‘This is the best news I've heard in months.'

Wrong-footed, Roo said, ‘How can it be good news?'

‘Because it wasn't working for us. It felt all wrong and I kept pretending it didn't, but it
did
. And I couldn't hurt Todd's feelings. I couldn't tell anyone, not even you. I started off thinking it was just because I was out of practice, but it wasn't. Todd and I were never meant to be anything but friends. And now he knows that too. Oh thank God, this is fantastic, you have no idea!'

Roo's face was a picture. ‘Are you just saying that?'

‘No.'

‘You really aren't angry with me?'

‘No!'

‘But I did a terrible thing.'

‘Hello? Did I miss something?' said Ellie. ‘Did you have sex with him?'

‘No!'

‘Did you even kiss him?'

‘No, but I wanted to! I
nearly
did.'

‘Well, now you can. You can do anything you like with him. As often as you want.'

‘No.' Roo vehemently shook her head.

‘No what?' Honestly, how many more times could they say the word?

‘I'm not going to do anything with him.'

‘But I
want
you to.'

‘Ellie, I told you. I've changed. I made a pact with myself today. First, no more lies. I had to tell you the truth, even if it meant losing you as a friend. Second, if I didn't lose you, I'd make it up to you somehow. And third'—Roo was counting on her fingers—‘either way, nothing's going to happen between me and Todd.'

‘But that's stupid. You like him. And he likes you.'

‘All the more reason. It's my punishment. If I promised that nothing would happen between me and Woody Allen, it wouldn't be much of a punishment, would it?'

‘You don't have to punish yourself.' Ellie frowned; was she not making herself clear here? ‘I'm
glad
it happened.'

‘Maybe, but that's irrelevant. The point is, I didn't know you'd be glad, did I? I just went ahead and did it.'

‘But you didn't do anything!'

‘I let him put his arms around me.'

‘Big deal.'

‘OK, what if it hadn't been Todd? If it had been your Jamie,' Roo stated bluntly, ‘you wouldn't be saying that.'

Ellie looked at her. She had a point. Then again, hopefully Jamie wouldn't have put his arms around Roo in the first place.

Would you?

Are you kidding? No way, not in a million years, not even if we were in Antarctica.

OK, don't overdo it.

Anyway, speaking of husbands…

‘What about Niall? Please tell me you aren't planning to break it to Yasmin that you've been doing a lot more than just putting your arms around her husband.'

‘You know, I was wondering about that.'

‘Don't even think it!'

Roo looked torn. ‘Not a good idea?'

‘Hideous,
terrible
idea. You can't do that, no way.' Ellie shuddered at the thought. ‘She has a baby and a husband who cheats on her. Isn't that bad enough? You mustn't tell her.'

‘Oh. OK.'

‘Promise.'

‘I promise.'

‘Right. Good. Now come here.' Ellie stood up and gave her a hug. ‘Everything's going to be fine.'

Roo promptly burst into tears. ‘Oh God, you're being so nice and I don't deserve it. I'm such a horrible person.'

‘You aren't, you aren't.' Her spiky gelled hair felt like Astroturf. ‘You made a mistake and now you've learned your lesson. I'm happy you're not going to see Niall anymore. I'm even happier that Todd and I don't have to pretend to be a couple anymore. We can just go back to being friends. Look at me.' Pulling back, Ellie regarded Roo's wet, miserable face. ‘Don't cry. I'd love it if you two got together.'

But Roo was already shaking her head, clearly dead set on punishing herself. ‘No way. That's not going to happen. I won't let it.'

***

‘How was the party last night?' Zack, between appointments, came into the office eating a slice of toast.

Well, he was bound to ask. Ellie said, ‘It was great! No rain, everyone was lovely, food was fantastic. I ate seven chicken samosas. How did your posh do at the Dorchester go?'

‘Probably a lot more boring than your barbecue. And sadly lacking in samosas.' He finished his toast. ‘There's another event on Monday evening at Claridge's. Could you make that, do you think?'

Claridge's? Wheeeee!

‘Monday? No problem, that's fine.' As Ellie nodded enthusiastically, the doorbell went, signaling the arrival of his next appointment.

‘Good. Excellent. I'll get that.' Looking pleased, Zack swung out of the office to let the client in and take him upstairs.

Ellie went back to her typing. She hadn't been able to bring herself to tell him about Todd. It was only last week that she'd mentioned him for the first time, boasting to Zack about how happy they were. What kind of an idiot would she look like if she were to announce, just days later, that it was all over? If she tried to explain that she was delighted, Zack wouldn't believe her. He'd think she'd been heartlessly dumped. Worse, he'd feel sorry for her. She'd be back at square one all over again, the poor widow to be pitied and handled with kid gloves.

No, far easier for now to not mention it. There was no reason at all to tell him the truth.

Speaking of the truth, there were still things to sort out with Todd. Oh dear, his poor old mum. Maria was going to be devastated when she heard her son was single again.

All the more reason to persuade Roo to change her mind and abandon her pledge.

***

Todd came over straight after work. He couldn't have been more penitent. ‘I'm so sorry.'

‘Oh, don't you start. I told you, this is good news! It wasn't working out. We both knew it. We were just too polite to say so. Now we can relax and stop trying to make it work. We don't have to do any more of that yucky kissing stuff !'

Todd visibly relaxed. ‘Oh God, wasn't that weird? I had no idea it could be like that. I couldn't figure out why it felt so… so…'

‘Gross,' Ellie supplied helpfully. ‘No offense. It wasn't you.'

‘It wasn't you either.'

‘It was just wrong. Like a Marmite and strawberry sandwich. We're both nice, we just don't go together.'

‘Piccalilli and chocolate.' Todd nodded in agreement.

‘Liquorice and bacon. OK'—she waved her hands—‘we have to stop now. I'm starting to feel sick.'

‘We'll go back to being friends.'

‘You know what? I'm feeling so much better already.' She pulled a face. ‘Will your mum be upset?'

‘Well, yes, but she'll get over it.'

‘Wait till she meets Roo.'

Todd raked his fingers through his hair. ‘I swear to God, I had no idea that was going to happen. I've gone over and over it in my head and there was no hint of it before.'

‘I know. Isn't it incredible how it can happen like that? I didn't think you even liked her that much.'

‘That's just it.' He gestured in disbelief. ‘I
really
didn't like her. Because she was sleeping with a married man. But then on Tuesday… I don't know… she was just being so hard on herself and somehow everything changed. These feelings came up out of nowhere. And it was the same for her too. We both just knew it. I didn't want her to say anything, because I couldn't bear the thought of you getting hurt.'

‘You're so sweet! Thank goodness Roo told me. We could have carried on being all wrong for each other for months.' Ellie fanned herself with relief. ‘In fact, you need to get yourself over there now.'

Todd hesitated. ‘She said we couldn't see each other.'

‘Oh, that was then. She'll be over it by now. Come on, I'll come with you so she knows it's OK.'

He looked uncomfortable. ‘Couldn't you call her and say it? Then I'll go over on my own.'

‘No way! I want to see this thing with my own eyes. All this amazing chemistry that's sprung up. Don't spoil my fun,' Ellie begged. ‘This is going to be so romantic. I can't wait!'

***

‘No.'

Ellie tried again. ‘Roo, come on, just open the door.'

From the upstairs window, Roo shook her head. ‘I will not.' Her hair was standing on end; she resembled an electrocuted white cat and there were smudges on her face. She was focusing all her attention on Ellie, refusing to even glance at Todd. ‘He isn't coming in.'

‘But everything's OK. If you want to make me happy, you'll get together.'

‘Not going to happen. In fact, I'm quite hurt that you think you can get me to give in. This isn't a whim, you know. It's a whole new me. With morals. And scruples.'

‘And a messy T-shirt,' said Ellie, because there were gray smudges across her front as well. ‘What have you been
doing
up there?'

‘Clearing out. Decluttering. Detoxing my life. Actually, has he got his car here?'

‘I can hear you,' Todd pointed out. ‘And yes, I do have my car.'

‘Right. Wait there.' Roo disappeared from view.

‘See?' Ellie said encouragingly. ‘I told you it'd be OK. She's on her way down.'

‘No I'm not.' Roo's head popped out again. ‘Stand back, my aim isn't that great.'

‘What are you going to do?' said Ellie. ‘Shoot us?'

Ffflump. Ffflump. Fffflumppp. Three fully loaded bin bags landed on the pavement. One of them, not properly tied, had a pair of leopard-print jeans poking out of the top. ‘If you want to make yourself useful,' Roo called down, ‘drop these off at the charity shop.'

Ellie bent down and checked the label on the jeans. ‘What's going on? These are your favorites!' Plus they were Vivienne Westwood.

‘I know. Now they can be someone else's favorites.'

Her beloved purple suede jacket, the black lacy top with the red velvet trim, the white skirt, the silver leather belt… scrabbling through the contents of the bag, Ellie said, ‘Oh, Roo, this is everything you love best. You can't do this.'

Ffflump, ffffflump-flump. Ellie darted out of the way as the next lot of bags came sailing through the air. It was like being dive-bombed by giant seagulls.

‘I can,' Roo retaliated. ‘I have to.'

‘Oh my God,' Todd muttered. ‘Two days ago I fell in love with the girl of my dreams. Tonight I find out she's insane.'

‘You fell in
love
with her?' Ellie turned and gaped as Todd realized what he'd just blurted out.

His ears went bright red and he began to furiously backpedal. ‘Look, I didn't mean that, I meant fell
for
, don't read things into—'

‘Your subconscious said it. That means your brain knows how you feel.' She clutched his arm. ‘Don't be embarrassed, just go with it.'

‘Like I said, that was before I found out about the insanity.'

‘Roo? Let Todd in now. He's in love with you!'

‘He's not coming in. I want him to go.'

Ellie carried on arguing his case but Roo refused to budge. Her mind was evidently made up. Since there was nothing else he could do, Todd loaded the many bin bags into the car and drove off. When he'd gone, Roo unlocked the front door and said, ‘Don't try and make me change my mind, because it's not going to happen. Here, try this.' She aimed the nozzle of the atomizer skywards and squished perfume into the air.

The mist fell like fine snow around Ellie's face. The scent was divine, Mediterranean lemons in a bottle. ‘It's your Annick Goutal.'

‘If you want it, it's yours. Come on up, I've got loads more stuff upstairs.'

She wasn't kidding. The place was full of boxes and half-filled bags. ‘You can have all my makeup,' Roo gestured carelessly. ‘I won't be needing it anymore.'

She was bare-faced, wearing just the dusty old T-shirt and a battered pair of jeans. Ellie said, ‘OK, this is getting too much now. You can't give away your makeup.'

‘If you don't want it, I'll find someone else who does. And I've given up drinking too. There's a couple of bottles of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc in the fridge, if you'd like them.'

‘Roo, you don't have to do this.'

‘I want to. It makes me feel better. And I've got a job.' She beamed. ‘I start tomorrow.'

Oh good grief. ‘What kind of a job?'

‘I'm volunteering at the charity shop on Ormond Road. The hospice place next to the travel agents.'

‘That means you'll be standing up all day. It'll make your feet hurt.'

‘If little old ladies can do it, I'm sure I can too.'

This was debatable; little old ladies who volunteered in charity shops tended to be made of sterner stuff than Roo. She was something of a hothouse flower.

‘Have you heard from Niall?'

‘No. I've blocked his number.'

‘You could be a nicer person and still see Todd, you know.'