Together We Heal (20 page)

“You’re all assholes,” Trish said, but it was definitely her way of saying that she loved them all.

Then, because there was always food, we all had dinner.

“Um, are we trying to feed a small country?” Trish asked, looking at the spread. There was pasta and salad and nachos and cheesy bread and fried rice and stir fry.

“We were all stressed, so this was how we managed it,” Lottie said. I had the feeling she was responsible for a lot of the food and that she’d roped in help.

Trish just shook her head and grabbed a plate.

DINNER WAS THE
same as usual, which was absolutely the best. Trish wasn’t totally back to herself, but she smiled a few times and laughed and made snarky comments.

“You okay?” I asked, nudging her as everyone took their dishes to the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, Max,” she said and her eyes were getting a little red. Like she was going to cry.

“It’s okay, hun. It’s okay.” I brushed my fingers along her cheek and I realized how much I missed the feel of her skin.

“It’s going to take time. We made so much progress and now we’ve taken about a million steps backward,” she said, frowning.

“It doesn’t matter. We’re on the same path and going in the same direction. Stepping forward or back is okay. As long as we’re together.” I just wanted to crush her in my arms. She’d been a thousand miles away from me for days and it had almost broken my damn heart.

She gave me a soft smile.

“I like the sound of that.”

THEY WERE GOOD,
I’d give them that. Normally I would have put up a fight, but fight for what? To be miserable and live in darkness and have Max slowly start resenting me? Hell fucking no. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted a life. I wanted freedom from this prison. Now Ray was in his and I was going to get out of mine. We were switching places and it actually felt good.

We stayed late at Stryker’s. I didn’t want to go back to Max’s room and just end up pushing him away again. I hated doing that.

“IF YOU WANT,
I can sleep in the other bed tonight,” Max said when we got back to his room. It was like he’d read my thoughts, and I realized that I didn’t want to sleep without him. Even if we didn’t touch, just having him there made me feel protected and safer than if he stayed in the other bed.

“No. I want you with me,” I said and his eyebrows went up. He was surprised.

“I just mean that I want you sleeping next to me. I can’t imagine going back from that. No more steps back tonight,” I said. He exhaled an audible sigh of relief.

“Okay then.”

We stayed in the same bed and I let him touch me here and there, but I stalled out again when I thought about doing anything else.

The next day I found the counselor on campus and skipped one of my classes to go and make an appointment.

“Are you nervous?” Max said that morning. I’d thought about not telling him I was going, but I knew he’d find out anyway. Plus, I wanted him on this journey with me. Like he said, we were on the same path and I wanted it to stay that way.

“I don’t even know. I think it won’t hit me until I’m actually sitting in front of her on the couch. Is it a couch? I feel like that’s just in movies,” I said. Max shrugged. He’d never been to a therapist so he didn’t know.

“Well, you’re useless,” I said, giving him a smile so he would know I was joking.

“You wound me,” he said, putting his hand over his heart and pouting so adorably that I seriously considered kissing him. We hadn’t done that in a few days and I missed the taste of his lips.

“I think you’ll live,” I said. This was good. Getting back to flirting. It was sweet and nice and easy. Guess that part of me wasn’t damaged. Still, it was going to take a lot more work to get the rest of me where I needed to be. That was probably what therapy would help me out with. I’d just have to wait and see.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I almost turned my head so he met my lips, but didn’t.

MY KNEES JIGGLED
up and down as I waited for the therapist to come out. I didn’t know if we were going to click, but I hoped we would. I didn’t want to have to go through this exact process again until I found the right person to deal with me. At least I didn’t have to pay for it. Health insurance was a wonderful thing.

“Trish?” A youngish woman with slicked back black hair and pretty green eyes walked out on a set of beautiful high heels. She looked like she belonged on a runway and not in the campus counseling office. She also didn’t look that much older than I was.

Her smile revealed teeth that were so perfect, I wondered if they were veneers. I bet she didn’t have a lick of cellulite and could eat whatever she wanted. Basically, she was a goddess.

“Yeah?” I said, figuring that this had to be Beth Young, my new therapist.

Awesome.

“I’m Beth,” she said, sticking her immaculately manicured hand out for me to shake. I felt grubby and gross, but I returned her handshake while noticing the difference in the polish on our nails. Needless to say, mine was a bit chipped.

“Nice to meet you,” I said, trying to give her a smile and only succeeding halfway. She didn’t seem to mind and motioned for me to follow her.

“It’s nice to meet you too. Why don’t you come down here to my office and we can talk?” Well, I didn’t have much choice, did I? I probably could have run out the door, but then I’d have to explain to everyone why I hadn’t gone and that would be a pain in my ass. It was much easier to get this shit over with.

Beth’s office was very Zen and there wasn’t a couch. Just a couple of chairs, a desk with a computer and some neatly stacked papers, a filing cabinet, a bamboo plant and a picture of a serene beach setting.

Beth motioned to the chair and I sat down, still feeling nervous and jumpy.

“So,” she said, “what brings you in to see me today?” She grabbed a clipboard with a few sheets of plain cream paper and a pen. Ugh, she was going to write shit down. Fun.

I took a breath and seriously thought about bolting. Just going for the door and then leaving.

But then I opened my mouth and said, “Where do you want me to start? It’s a pretty long list.”

She smiled, nodded and started scribbling.

“How about we start with getting to know you? Have you picked a major?” Balls. She couldn’t have started with something easier?

“Uh, no. I can’t seem to figure out what I want. But I’m only a freshman, so I still have time.” I’d said this what felt like a billion times already.

“Okay, is there anything you are interested in? A class you like? Maybe sports or art or something?” I chewed in my bottom lip and put my hand on my knee to stop it from moving. I was sure she was writing notes about how nervous I was. At least I couldn’t see what she was writing. She’d angled the clipboard in just the right way. They’d probably had an entire class on it at whatever fancy college she went to. It was obvious she hadn’t gone to DU.

“I mean… nothing I’m good at, I guess. I dance sometimes, but that’s just for me. And I dye hair. And get too many tattoos. And I say what I’m thinking and that doesn’t always go over well. If there was a job doing all of that stuff, that would be perfect,” I said, looking up from my knee to her face. She still had a serene smile on her lips. They probably taught that too.

“Well, if I hear of something, I’ll let you know. Let’s talk about people in your life. Family? Friends? Other relationships?” And now we were getting into the harder stuff.

“I have a brother, Stryker. He’s older than me and he’s pretty much the only family I have. The rest… well, they’re not really worth talking about. I have a best friend, Lottie. We all hang out in a big group and then there’s Max. My boyfriend.” It felt weird calling him that out loud. Almost grown up.

Beth nodded and scribbled some more. I could tell her handwriting was messy, which was interesting, given her put-together appearance.

“How long have you and your boyfriend been together?” I had to think about it.

“Almost four months.” Wow. That was no time at all, but so much had happened in that short period. Like I’d lived an entire life while being with him. It definitely kicked the shit out of my pre-Max life.

“And is it serious?” Why were we talking about this? Why had I agreed to do this at all? This woman was going to probe all into my life and then make assumptions about it. Like she knew me.

I looked around and found her diploma on the wall. Huh. DU. I guess I was wrong about that. Perhaps there was more to her than met the eye.

We talked some more about Max, and before I knew it, I was spilling my guts. I didn’t intend to, but it happened anyway.

I told her about my parents and then my uncle and now how it was impossible to have sex with Max now. I also told her some other stuff that no one knew. Not even Stryker or Lottie and definitely not Max.

“It must be hard to carry all those secrets around,” she said. It was hard. Secrets were heavy and mine were weighing me down. Sometimes I felt like I walked with a hunch as they sat on my shoulders and whispered in my ears.

“It is,” I said, grabbing another tissue. Somewhere along the line I’d started crying and had been going through the tissues like crazy. Fortunately there were plenty of them to be had and there was a little wastebasket next to me to drop them in when I was done.