Too Good to Be True (7 page)

Tonight was one of the most annoying nights ever.

I went to the diner with my family to celebrate my parent's fifteenth anniversary. (I personally find it hard to imagine how they've put up with each other for fifteen years. I've only been putting up with them for thirteen, and it has definitely been a challenge.)

Dad closed early and planned a surprise celebration for Mom. He invited everyone we know and love (his words, not mine)—Gaga; all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins on my mom's side; my dad's brother, Uncle Martin; his son Sam; some of our neighbors; and Billy and Brynn and their families.

Dad went all out. He blew up giant pictures of himself and mom from their wedding and hung them up everywhere. The pictures were old and grainy, and their clothes and hair looked so ridiculous.

Dad cooked all the same foods he and Mom served at their wedding, and he even made a special vanilla cream pie that he said resembled their wedding cake. I didn't think so from the pictures, but Mom seemed touched by his gesture.

After Dad served dinner, he made a toast to Mom, and then he sang a song he wrote for her. He has a horrible voice. Mom actually cried. I don't know why. Maybe her ears hurt.

I honestly thought the whole thing was ridiculous and embarrassing.

When Dad was done singing, Gaga walked over to me and said, “April, why the sour look?”

I thought the answer to that question was pretty obvious.

This morning at dance, after we finished practicing our dances for the pep rally and the halftime show, Ms. Baumann gave out the T-shirts we're going to be wearing for homecoming. They're supercute red fitted shirts with the school logo on them, and she said we should all wear them with denim shorts.

“You can wear a padded bra with this one,” Mady whispered in my ear.

I smiled at her. I'm definitely going to.

When I got home from dance, I invited Billy over. I haven't seen him for a while because I've been so busy with dance, but Mom was making homemade pizzas for lunch, and I know he loves
pizza. When he walked into the kitchen, May and June were putting toppings on their pizzas. When they saw Billy, they got super excited.

“You can be my pizza decorator,” said May.

“Yeah, you can be mine too,” said June.

My sisters love Billy. Anyway, there were three small pizzas, and Billy spelled out May with pepperoni on one and June with black olives on another. Then he looked at me. “Can I be your pizza decorator too?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said. I would've rather just put toppings on like a normal pizza, but Billy seemed like he was enjoying playing it up for May and June.

He spelled out my name in mushrooms and basil, and then he made me hold it up while he took a picture of me with his phone. He actually made it his new phone wallpaper, which kind of annoyed me. It wasn't even a good picture of me.

After we all ate our pizzas, Mom and Dad went outside to work in the yard and May and June went with them. Billy and I sat down on the couch to watch TV. I turned it on and sat there without saying anything. I don't even know what
we were watching.

“You're really quiet,” Billy said after a few minutes.

I knew I was being grumpy, but I couldn't help it. Decorating pizzas with Billy seemed so childish and stupid. I felt the same way about it that I did about Brynn wanting to wear matching Halloween costumes or my dad singing an off-key love song to my mom in front of everyone we know. I feel so different when I'm around the girls on the dance team and Emily than when I'm around Billy or Brynn or my family.

I was thinking about that when Billy poked me in the ribs. “Earth to April,” he said like he was waiting for an answer.

I don't know why I said what I did next, but I told Billy about thigh gaps and that I don't have one.

He started laughing. “I like you the way you are,” he said.

For some reason, that annoyed me even more.

—Carrie Bradshaw

How can life be just fine one minute and a disaster the next? I don't know if anyone else's life is like that, but mine is. I can't believe what happened tonight. I almost don't want to write about it.

After dinner, I took Gilligan on a walk and I saw Matt. He wasn't walking his dog. He was just outside. When he saw me, he started walking with me.

“How's dance team going?” he asked. He was being really friendly, asking me about the team and what we're doing.

I wasn't feeling weird around him like I usually do. I was just in a good mood. I was actually feeling kind of cute and chatty. “I think there's a
girl on the team who likes you,” I said.

Matt smiled. “Really? Who?”

But I wouldn't tell him. He kept asking, but I just kept shaking my head like I wasn't going to say anything. “C'mon, April,” he said like he really wanted to coax it out of me.

I ran my fingers across my lips like they were zipped shut.

Matt laughed. “Well, it just so happens that there's a girl on the team that I like. Can you guess who it is?” he asked.

I kind of had a feeling we were talking about the same person. “Chloe?” I said.

Matt frowned. “Why would you think I like Chloe?” he asked.

I wasn't completely sure what to say at that point, but I told him what Chloe said about how he flirts with her in bio and how he made her laugh so hard she got sent to the office.

Matt shook his head. “I don't like Chloe,” he said.

“It seems like you do,” I said back.

Matt looked at me in a weird way, like he thought I was challenging him. “I don't like
Chloe.” His voice was lower this time. He stopped walking, so I stopped too. We were standing next to a tree in Dr. Black's yard. It was dark outside, but I could feel Matt looking down at me. Then he whispered in my ear, “I like you, California.”

He stood there for what felt like a long time, his eyes looking into mine. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. Then Matt pulled me in next to him and kissed me.

I wasn't expecting him to do that. Everything in my brain started to swirl together. It wasn't just that he kissed me. It was the way he kissed me.

Matt's fingers dug into my waist. His mouth was pressed hard against mine. Then I could feel his hands moving down my back. His fingers were grazing the top of my butt, pulling me in even closer to him. I arched my back and pulled in my stomach.

He pulled his lips away from mine. “You have an amazing body,” he whispered.

I couldn't believe he'd said that. I'm not sure I believed it, but I wanted to. I silently thanked
Emily for all her diet advice.

Matt's lips were back on mine. I leaned into him. It was like my body was my body, but my brain belonged to someone else. No one had ever taught me to do what I was doing, but somehow instinctively, I seemed to know.

I felt the tip of Matt's tongue against my lips, daring me to open them. Gilligan pulled on his leash. Part of me knew I should break away, but I didn't. It was like my brain was telling me to stop, but the rest of me wanted to know what his tongue would feel like.

I parted my lips, just a little. When I did, Matt's tongue slipped into my mouth. The warmth and the pressure of it against mine scared me and I pulled back.

The magical spell was broken. What was I doing? I ran the back of my hand along my mouth. I wanted to wipe away what just happened. “You shouldn't have done that,” I said.

Matt looked at me. “Really? Why?”

My good mood from earlier evaporated. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be standing next to a tree in Dr. Black's yard with
Matt Parker looking down at me waiting for a response. Thoughts of Billy flooded my brain. “I have a boyfriend,” I whispered.

Matt looked at me in his confident I-have-an-answer-for-everything way. “Then this will be our secret,” was the last thing he said before I turned and walked home with Gilligan.

I'll never be able to fall asleep. I feel so awful. I can't believe what happened tonight. How could I kiss Matt?

I keep thinking about Billy. So what that I was annoyed with him this afternoon or that I thought the wrist kiss on our date was a little weird. Billy is sweet and smart and adorable. Why in the world would I kiss Matt when I have such an amazing boyfriend? And why would I let him kiss me the way I did? I feel sick.

Matt's words keep rattling around inside my head.
“This will be our secret.”

I don't want to have a secret with Matt Parker.

I know Matt said he likes me, but . . . does he really like me? And do I like Matt? I hardly
know him, but I like the way he kisses me. Is that terrible to say? I like Billy, but it doesn't feel the same when he kisses me.

My mind keeps going back over every millisecond of my kiss with Matt.

How can I wish I hadn't kissed Matt when I can't stop thinking about it? What's wrong with me? I'm so confused. How could I do this to Billy? Why am I even still thinking about Matt? I don't want to be thinking about him. Does it make me a bad person that I am?

All I know for sure is that Matt messes up my life. That's the problem with him. It's what happened when he kissed me at the end of seventh grade, and now, it's happening all over again. He's like a curse. I just want to go to sleep and stop thinking about any of this. Hopefully, when I wake up, I'll find out this whole thing was just a bad dream.

But it feels more like a real-life nightmare.

—The Lockhorns

Last night was definitely not a dream. I wish there was a way I could make it unhappen. I'd like to go back in time and do things differently. There were so many things I could have done instead of taking Gilligan for a walk. I could have washed my hair or painted my nails or watched
SpongeBob
with May and June. It wasn't like anyone even asked me to walk Gilligan—I just did it, and I really wish I hadn't. My brain was so clear before I kissed Matt, and now it's all cloudy.

I need to take a deep breath and relax. I can't go back in time and change anything, but maybe I can pretend like it never happened, and it will be almost like it didn't.

When I went into the kitchen, Mom asked me if I'd like pancakes. “No thanks,” I told her. I picked up a banana, hoping that she'd leave me alone, but she didn't.

“April, are you eating properly? Are you not eating pancakes because of dance?” She asked the second question before I could even answer the first.

We'd already had one talk about my new eating habits, and Mom didn't like that I wasn't eating some of the foods I used to eat all the time.

“I'm just not in the mood for pancakes,” I told Mom. I wish it was only because of dance.

Trying to pretend like last night never happened isn't working. My brain is stuck on kissing Matt. Why am I still thinking about this? I need to stop. I'm glad I have homework to do. Hopefully, if I think about rational numbers, I'll
stop thinking about kissing Matt. That sounds rational, doesn't it?

I can't think about anything but last night. I've even tried using the Mosquito Technique. I learned it at camp. If you think about the mosquitoes, they drive you crazy. But if you relax and pretend like you don't even know they're there, it's almost like they're not.

Apparently, this technique only works with mosquitoes.

Life at Faraway Middle School is going on around me. Kids are changing classes, taking tests, playing sports, and eating bad cafeteria food. I'm doing all those thing too, but I'm also trying to avoid Billy (which I've managed to do so far today, but only because I purposely picked
a scab off my knee and went to the nurses' office during lunch to get a Band-Aid).

I'm also living with a secret, and I can't stand it. I could hardly concentrate in my classes. I really, really wish I could talk to Brynn. She's my oldest friend, and I need her advice. I thought about talking to her this morning during break, but I decided not to. As much as I'd like to, I know she wouldn't understand.

I can just hear what she'd say.
“April, you shouldn't have kissed Matt the first time, and I can't imagine why you did a second time!”
Then she'd say that she kept it from Billy the last time I kissed Matt, but she doesn't want to do it again. She'd give me her speech about how we're all friends, and if he was going out with any other girl who kissed someone else and she found out, she'd tell him.

But the main reason I can't tell her is that I think she might be happy, because it would mean Billy and I are over and he'd be free for other girls. Like her.

I can't believe I just wrote that.

Not all of me thinks it, but part of me keeps going back over the day at Brynn's house when
she called Billy to come over and watch us dance. She was so excited to dance in front of him. Then she went behind my back and talked to him about how I wasn't being a good friend. As much as I want to talk to somebody about this and figure out what to do, I know Brynn isn't that somebody.

I hardly saw Billy at school today, luckily, and he couldn't talk long on the phone tonight because he has a big math test tomorrow. I was worried I would see Matt when I went to the gym for dance practice. But I didn't.