Too Hot to Handle (26 page)

Merry collapsed into her chair and took a deep breath. And then she sobbed. Her head dropped into her hands and she cried so hard her chest hurt.

He had made her feel special. He’d made her feel beautiful. And sexy. And wanted.

And it had all been a lie.

The one time in her life that she’d felt honestly sexual and desirable, and it hadn’t been real.

She’d told Grace she could handle it. She’d told her it was just sex and she could enjoy it for what it was. But apparently that wasn’t true, because Shane’s lies didn’t make the sex any worse. It didn’t change the fact that she’d enjoyed his body and come harder than she ever had before. But it was all ruined now. It all felt sordid and shameful.

Had he been laughing at her? Or had it just been triumph inside him as he’d talked her into touching herself for him? Putting on a show?

She couldn’t believe she’d done that. It had seemed fun and scandalously good at the time, and now it all just felt awful.

“Bastard,” she choked out past her tears. She was good at trusting people, but not that way. Not with her body. She’d been shy that way her whole life, and her teen years had felt like a world populated by predators. Teenage boys who didn’t want to date her, but felt like they had the right to comment on her body any time they wanted. Male friends who liked the pretty, confident girls but occasionally noticed her enough to honor her with a crude offer. As if she should feel lucky they’d bother to get a hard-on and toss it her way.

She’d finally managed to lose her virginity in her senior year of college. Not because she’d really wanted the boy she’d slept with, but because it had felt as if she wouldn’t ever want anyone that way, and she might as well get it over with.

It hadn’t been bad. They’d dated for a few months. It had gotten better. Then she’d successfully avoided sex for a few years, only to stumble back into it with Kenneth. Another dud, but he’d been sweet, at least. And so pleased with her naked body that she’d tried to lose a little of her modesty. But she’d never let go of her self-consciousness. Not until Shane, when she’d managed it, if only for a few stolen, heated moments.

She wanted to think that meant there was hope for her. That she was maturing and starting to find her way through the complicated world of sex. But she was worried that it really meant she’d never be able to do it again. Because now she wouldn’t just be thinking about her body and her heart and her sexual performance, she’d be thinking that it was all an out-and-out lie. A tool used for her humiliation.

God. Maybe she’d just give it up.

But maybe she couldn’t. Because the worst thing he’d done was give her a taste of what was possible.

“I hate him,” she groaned, scrubbing her face with her shirt, and vowing not to cry anymore. She hadn’t even finished the thought when more tears fell. They’d been friends, damn him. They’d been more than that.

Tears still streaming down her face, Merry gathered up her pitiful pile of belongings and walked out of Providence. She turned around and gave it one last look, defying all the standard advice about not looking back.

This place had been important to her. It could have been the one big triumph she’d needed to start her real life. That life that was waiting for her somewhere. A life where she wasn’t just a visitor wandering through.

Providence hadn’t ended up being that, but she still loved it. And the grief she felt as she got into her car and drove away was far bigger than anything she’d let herself feel for Shane. And so much easier to bear.

* * *

S
HANE
HAD
KNOWN
that sleeping with a neighbor was a bad idea, but he hadn’t realized just how bad an idea it was. He hadn’t imagined that just getting out of his truck and walking to his apartment would be a gauntlet of shame. A few torturous seconds of hoping he didn’t see Grace or Cole or even Rayleen. And all the while, half hoping he would see the one person who made him feel the worst.

Jesus.

He made himself walk slowly up the stairs, fighting the instinct to drop his head and hide his face.

He’d known what he was doing was wrong. He’d known he was deceiving her in more ways than one. But then, after a while, it hadn’t felt so bad anymore, because he hadn’t
meant
it anymore. In his own head, he’d known that he would go back and change it if he could, so it had seemed almost like an innocuous mistake. He wasn’t going to betray her. He wouldn’t say anything to the board. Nothing at all.

But he realized now that he’d jeopardized everything for her. She’d be fired just for having hired him. If anyone else found out, it would be a scandal. At the very least, she’d look foolish.

God. The regret was a physical pain inside him. An actual ache that burned through his gut, as if it were slowly devouring him.

What the hell had he been trying to accomplish, anyway? It had been underhanded and unnecessary, and if he’d planned it beforehand, he would have tossed the idea out. But she’d handed it to him, like a present with a bow on it, this opportunity to figure out what they were doing and why, and he’d told himself it was fine because he was doing the work she’d hired him for. Hell, he’d even done the work for free.

He wished he could take it back now. He’d give anything to take it back after he’d seen her face today. So terrible and wild as she’d cut him from her life without an ounce of regret.
Now you know who I am,
she’d raged.

And she was right. He had thought of her as harmless and sweet. Even after last night, he hadn’t been that scared. She was a kind and forgiving soul and he could win her back. He could convince her he was sorry and he wouldn’t do it again. She’d forgive him because… Well, she had to. What other option was there? That he’d never get to touch her again?

But that was exactly the other option, because her face had been a picture of resolve. He’d glimpsed a strength he’d never seen in her before. A bravery.

In fact, that was the only option, because what else could he want from her? Love? Commitment? He couldn’t do that. Had he expected her to forgive him and then go back to no-strings-attached sex?

As if to remind him of exactly who he was and what he had to offer a woman, Shane’s home phone rang. He didn’t bother ignoring it. As bad as his mood was, he might as well get it over with.

“Mom,” he said simply.

“Oh, Shane, you’re home! I just had a feeling. I don’t know why. You know I get these instincts sometimes.”

Yes. She’d claimed instinct a lot in her wild-goose chases.
Honey, I just know your dad is in California. I can feel it. Something is telling me to get in the car and drive.

“I’ve got to get to work, actually. What’s up?”

“I found someone on Facebook who looks exactly like your dad. Now, he’s way too young to be him, but he doesn’t say anything on his page about his father. What he does say is that he was raised in an unconventional way in a remote area of the Cascades.”

“Mom.” He sighed. Facebook had become her new obsession. He only hoped no one he knew ever read her updates. If she weren’t still holding down a job at the feed store, he’d be worried she was truly losing it.

“I know it would be painful for us to find out he’d started a new family somewhere, but we have to accept that possibility. Once he left, he may have just been too ashamed to come back. And this boy looks exactly like Alex did at eighteen. It’s eerie.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. His mother couldn’t face the truth. She couldn’t even consider the possibility of the truth.

“Mom, I can’t do this anymore. I swear to God I can’t. He didn’t love us. Not enough to stay and not enough to come back. Why can’t you accept that? He wasn’t even a good husband to you. He was sleeping with that woman for months! He wanted
out,
don’t you get it? He didn’t want you! You have to let him go!”

Shane heard his own ragged breath in the phone, but his mom was silent on the other end. There’d been an unspoken agreement for a long time. No one mentioned the other woman. No one brought her into the discussion. Hell, the blank was so complete that for the first five years his mother had rarely even investigated reports that people had seen Dorothy Heyer. The woman had existed only as a shadow. She was just some random person who’d happened to leave Jackson around the same time as their father. Sure, she’d been spotted at the dealership when he’d picked up the camper. But even if she’d left with him, he wouldn’t have stayed with her. He hadn’t loved that floozy. No way.

Now Shane had crossed the line. He’d thrown Dorothy in his mother’s face. And hell, he wasn’t even sorry.

“The next time you call,” he said softly, “it can’t be about Dad. It can’t be. Or you and I won’t have a relationship anymore. We can talk about my life or your life. We can even talk about Alex. But not Dad. Understand?”

“Shane,” she scolded, her voice thick with tears. “How can you even ask me to let it go? Am I supposed to just move on with my life? Just forget all that pain and, and…” She began to weep, choking her words so he couldn’t understand them anymore.

“Yes,” he said. “That’s exactly what I expect. Bad things happen. You have to move on. Like other people do every damn day. Goodbye, Mom.”

He hung up and stared down at the phone in his hand, a little stunned at what he’d just done.

He’d been edging back for years. Pushing her farther away. Keeping more distance. This year, especially, he’d tried to avoid her jabs about Gideon Bishop, about what that family owed Shane and his brother, about how Gideon should go to hell for trying to force Shane into bowing to his will. All that despite the fact that she’d despaired over Shane’s name change far more than the Bishop family ever had.

He’d tried to keep her out of his head, but in that moment, staring down at the phone in his shaking hand, he realized he hadn’t succeeded. He’d let her in. She’d snuck deep into his mind, beneath all his conscious thoughts, and she’d lived there. Her thoughts and obsessions and resentments pushing at his mind, shaping his ideas.

And now it was so obvious to him. Her infection was so obvious, because she was in such stark contrast to Merry’s moment of beautiful strength.

Merry had seen terrible things. She’d lived with heartache and abandonment, and she still walked through life with a hopeful smile and eyes wide enough to take everything in.

“Jesus,” he breathed. What the hell had he done? What the hell was he still
doing?

Shane grabbed his cell phone and texted the contractor he was currently working for to let him know he wouldn’t be in. Despite his work for Merry, Shane was ahead of schedule, so he could take a day off. Then he sent one more text. A very important one. His phone rang almost as soon as he hit Send. He answered with a humorless smile.

“Yes, I mean it,” he said without waiting for a greeting. “I’ll be there in a few minutes. Write up whatever you need to write up.”

The way he’d been living for the past year—hell, for his whole life…this wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t who he wanted to be. He’d tried to change his identity by changing his name, but the truth was that he’d been resigned to it. To being his father’s son. To being a Bishop and everything that meant. The name change had been his one rebellion. His big fuck you to the crippling legacy they’d left him.

A damn pitiful rebellion, he realized now. He’d given in to everything else without even a semblance of a fight.

But this moment… This was his real chance to be someone better than his father. Better than his grandfather. Better than his mom.

Shane grabbed his hat and his keys and walked out the door to change his life.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

“
I
HAVE
TO
RESIGN
,
” Merry said, staring at the email she’d started.

“I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying give it a day. You’re too screwed up to do this right now.” Grace looked over Merry’s shoulder. “I see you’ve made it all the way through ‘Dear Members of the Board.’ You don’t even know what to say. Close the window. Try again tomorrow.”

Merry shook her head.

Grace reached past and hit the cancel button. “Done. Let’s get drunk.”

“It’s not even five.”

“So?”

“So, it’s too early to drink. And shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I’m hourly. I do what I want.”

Merry rolled her eyes. “Funny, my hourly positions have never been that way.”

“All right, Eve let me take the afternoon off. She’s pretty awesome.”

“Obviously,” Merry muttered.

“Come on,” Grace pressed. “Let’s do something fun.”

“I can’t.” Merry slumped and let her face fall into the despair she was feeling. “I have to go to Crystal’s tonight. She’s having some stupid party.”

“Fuck Crystal! Are you kidding me?”

“I’m not kidding. And the worst part is that I told her I was bringing a date. Now I have to show up alone.”

“Well, don’t go!”

“I have to. I already said yes. Plus, this will be my last chance to face her with a respectable job. The next time I see her, I’ll probably be working at the state fair corn dog booth. I need to savor this.”

“No, you don’t.”

But Merry just sighed. She did need to savor this. “Can I take Cole?”

“I’d be happy to lend you Cole. You know that. But he’s out late tonight moving cattle from some valley to some other valley. I think. I was half asleep when he told me.”

“Shit. I don’t want to cancel, Grace. When she finds out I’ve been fired in disgrace, she’ll know that’s why I didn’t show up. I want her to know I didn’t care. That I just kept going. That I…”

Her words dried up, but Grace nodded. “Okay. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but take me.”

“You hate Crystal.”

“I know.”

“You’ll hate her friends.”

“I’m sure. But take me. I’ll be on my best behavior. And I’ll be your designated driver. You can drink as much of her expensive wine as you can pour down your throat. You’re about to be unemployed with no prospects. This might be your last chance to live like those people.”