Too Many Cooks (17 page)

The silence lasted all of a minute. Finally Liggett said, in a level tone with no exasperation at all, 'I'll give you twenty thousand cash to get Berin for me.'

'It doesn't tempt me, Mr. Liggett.'

'I'll& I'll make it thirty thousand. I can give it to you in currency to-morrow morning.'

Wolfe stirred a little, without unfocusing his eyes. 'No. It wouldn't be worth it to you. Mr. Berin is a master chef, but not the only one alive. See here. This childish pretense is ridiculous. You were ill-advised to come to me like this. You, are probably a man of some natural sense, and with only your own interests to consult, and left to your own counsel and devices, I am sure you would never have done such a thing. You were sent here, Mr. Liggett. I know that. It was a mistake that might have been expected, considering who did it. Pfui! You might, I suppose, go back and report your failure, but if you are moved to consult further it would be vastly better to consult only yourself.'

'I don't know what you're talking about. I'm making you a straight proposal.'

Wolfe shrugged. 'If I am incoherent, that ends communication. Report failure, then, to yourself.'

'I'm not reporting failure to anyone.' Liggett's eyes were hard and so was his tone. 'I came to you only because it seemed practical. To save annoyance. I can do-whatever I want done-without you.'

'Then by all means do it.'

'But I would still like to save annoyance. I'll pay you fifty thousand dollars.'

Wolfe slowly, barely perceptibly, shook his head. 'You'll have to report failure, Mr. Liggett. If it is true, as the cynic said, that every man has his price, you couldn't hand me mine in currency.'

The phone rang. When a man turns cold and still I like to keep my eye on him in case, so I sidled around beyond Liggett's chair without turning my back on him. The first voice I heard in the receiver sounded like the blue-eyed belle, and she said she had a New York call. Then I heard gruff tones demanding Nero Wolfe, and was informed that Inspector Cramer wanted him. I turned:

'For you, sir. Mr. Purdy.'

With a grunt, he labored to lift it from the chair. He stood and looked down at our caller:

'This is a confidential affair, Mr. Liggett. And since our business is concluded& if you don't mind?& '

Liggett took it as it was given. Without a word, without either haste or hesitation, he arose and departed. I strolled behind him to the foyer, and when he was out and the door closed I turned the key.

Wolfe's conversation with Cramer lasted more than ten minutes, and this time, as I sat and listened, I got something out of it besides grunts, but not enough to make a good picture. It seemed to me that he had distrusted my powers of dissimulation as far as was necessary, so when he hung up I was all set to put in a requisition for light and lucidity, but he had barely got back in his chair when the phone rang again. This time she told me it was a call from Charleston, and after some clicking and crackling I heard a voice in my ears that was as familiar as the Ventura Skin Preserver theme song.

'Hello, Mr. Wolfe?'

'No, you little shrimp, this is the Supreme Court speaking.'

'Oh, Archie! How goes it?'

'Marvelous. Having a fine rest. Hold it, here's Mr. Wolfe.' I handed him the receiver. 'Saul Panzer from Charleston.'

That was another ten minute talk, and it afforded me a few more hints.and scraps of the alternative that Wolfe had apparently settled on, though it still seemed fairly incredible in spots. When it was finished Wolfe ambled back to his seat again, leaned back with careful caution, and got his fingers joined at the dome of his rotunda.

He demanded, 'What time is it?'

I glanced at my wrist. 'Quarter to seven.'

He grunted. 'Only a little over an hour till dinner. Don't let me forget to have that speech in my pocket when we go over there. Can you remember a few things without putting them down?'

'Sure. Any quantity.'

'They are all important. First I must talk with Mr. Tolman; I suppose he is at the hotel as arranged. Then I must telephone Mr. Servan; that may be difficult; I believe it is not customary to have guests the last evening. In this case the tradition must be violated. While I am telephoning you will lay out everything we shall need, pack the bags, and arrange for their delivery at the train. We may be pressed for time around midnight. Also send to the hotel for our bill, and pay it. Did I hear you say you have your pistol along?-Good. I trust it won't be needed, but carry it. And confound it, send for a barber, I can't shave myself. Then get Mr. Tolman, and start on the bags. I'll discuss the evening program while we're dressing& '

THE TRADITION WAS VIOLATED, and I overheard a few grumbles about it, in the big parlor before the door to the dining room was thrown open and Louis Servan appeared on the threshold to invite us in. Chiefly, though, as they sipped sherry or vermouth in scattered groups, the grumbles were on another subject: the decree that had been issued that none of them was to leave the jurisdiction of West Virginia until permission had been given by the authorities. Domenico Rossi orated about it, making it plenty loud enough to be heard by Barry Tolman, who stood by the radio looking worried but handsome; Ramsey Keith bellowed his opinion of the outrage; while Jerome Berin said God above, it was barbarous, but they would be fools to let it interfere with digestion. Albert Malfi, looking a little subdued but with darts still in his eyes, seemed to have decided that courting Mamma Mondor was a sensible first step in his campaign for election in 1942; Raymond Liggett sat on the couch conversing quietly with Marko Vukcic. My friend Tolman got it right in the neck, or rather he didn't get it at all, when Constanza Berin came in and he went up to her looking determined, and spoke. She failed to see or hear him so completely that for a second I thought he wasn't there at all, I had just imagined it.

A couple of minutes before we started for the dining room Dina Laszio entered. The noise died down. Rossi, her father, hurried over to her, and not far behind him was Vukcic; then several others went up to pay their respects to the widow. She resembled a grieving widow about as much as I resemble a whirling dervish, but of course it can't be expected that every time a woman packs for a little trip with her husband she will take weeds along in case he happens to get bumped off. And I couldn't very well disapprove of her showing up at the feast, since I knew that Nero Wolfe had requested Servan to see her personally and insist on it.

At the table I was next to Constanza again, which was tolerable. Wolfe was at Servan's right. Vukcic was on the other side of Dina Laszio, down a 'ways. Liggett and Malfi were directly across from me, next to each other. Berin was across from Wolfe, on Servan's left, which seemed to me quite an honor for a guy just out of jail, and next to him was Clay Ashley, not making much of a success of attempts to appear affable. The others were here and there, with the meager supply of ladies spotted at intervals. On each plate when we sat down was an engraved menu:

LES QUINZE MAITRES

Kanawha Spa, West Virginia,

Thursday, April 8th, 1937.

AMERICAN DINNER

Oysters Baked in the Shell

Terrapin Maryland Beaten Biscuits

Pan Broiled Young Turkey

Rice Croquettes with Quince Jelly

Lima Beans in Cream Sally Lunn

Avocado Todhunter

Pineapple Sherbet Sponge Cake

Wisconsin Dairy Cheese Black Coffee

As the waiters, supervised by Moulton, smoothly brought and took, Louis Servan surveyed the scene with solemn and anxious dignity. The first course should have helped to allay the anxiety, for the oysters were so plump and savory, not to mention aromatic, that it seemed likely they had been hand-fed on peanuts and blueberries. They were served with ceremony and a dash of pomp. As the waiters finished distributing the enormous tins, each holding a dozen oysters, they stood back in a line against one of the screens-the one which forty-eight hours previously had concealed the body of Phillip Laszio-and the door to the pantry hall opened to admit a brown-skinned cook in immaculate white cap and apron. He came forward a few paces, looking embarrassed enough to back right out again, but Servan stood up and beckoned to him and then turned to the table and announced to the gathering, 'I wish to present to you Mr. Hyacinth Brown, the fish chef of Kanawha Spa. The baked oysters we are about to eat is his. You will judge whether it is worthy of the honor of being served to Les Quinze Maitres. Mr. Brown wishes me to tell you that he appreciates that honor.-Isn't that so, Brown?'

'Yes, sir. You said it.'

There was a ripple of applause. Brown looked. more embarrassed than ever, bowed, and turned and went. The masters lifted forks and waded in, and the rest of us followed suit. There were grunts and murmurs of appreciation. Rossi called something across the length of the table. Pierre Mondor stated with quiet authority, 'Superb. Extreme oven?' Servan nodded gravely, and the forks played on.

With the terrapin the performance was repeated, this time the introduction being accorded to Crabtree; and when the course was finished there was a near riot of enthusiasm and it was demanded that Crabtree reappear. Most of them got up to shake his hand, and he wasn't embarrassed at all, though he was certainly pleased. Two of them came in with the turkey. One was Grant, with wrinkled face and gray kinky hair, and the other was a tall black one that I didn't know, since he hadn't been at the party Wednesday night. I never tasted better turkey, but the other servings had been generous and my capacity limited me to one portion. Those guys eating were like a woman packing a trunk-it's not a question of capacity but of how much she has to put in. Not to mention the claret they washed it down with. They were getting merrier as they went along, and even old Servan was sending happy smiles around.

Unquestionably it was first class fodder. I went slow on the wine. My head was fuzzy anyhow, and if I was going to be called on to save Wolfe's life again I might need what wits I had left.

There was nothing strained about the atmosphere, it was just a nice party with everyone well filled and the smell of good coffee and brandy in front of us, when finally, a little after ten o'clock, Wolfe arose to start his speech. He looked more like the plaintiff in a suit for damages than an after-dinner speaker, and he was certainly aware of it, but it didn't seem to bother him. We all got our chairs moved around to face him more comfortably and got settled into silence. He began in an easy informal tone:

'Mr. Servan, Ladies, Masters, Fellow Guests. I feel a little silly. Under different circumstances it might be both instructive and amusing for you, at least some of you, to listen to a discussion of American contributions to la haute cuisine, and it might be desirable to use what persuasiveness I can command to convince you that those contributions are neither negligible nor meager. But when I accepted an invitation to offer you such a discussion, which greatly pleased and flattered me, I didn't realize how unnecessary it would be at the moment scheduled for its delivery. It is delightful to talk about food, but infinitely more delightful to eat it; and we have eaten. A man once declared to me that one of the keenest pleasures in life was to close his eyes and dream of beautiful women, and when I suggested that it would be still more agreeable to open his eyes and look at them, he said not at all, for the ones he dreamed about were all beautiful, far more beautiful than any his eye ever encountered. Similarly it might be argued that if I am eloquent the food I talk to you about may be better than the food you have eaten; but even that specious excuse is denied me. I can describe, and pay tribute to, some superlative American dishes, but I can't surpass the oysters and terrapin and turkey which were so recently there'-he indicated the table-'and are now here.' With a gentle palm he delicately patted the appropriate spot.

They applauded. Mondor cried, 'Bien dit!' Servan beamed.

Properly speaking, he hadn't started the speech yet, for that wasn't in it. Now he started. For the first ten minutes or so I was uneasy. There was nothing in the world I would enjoy more than watching Nero Wolfe wallowing in discomfiture, but not in the presence of outsiders. When that happy time came, which it never had yet, I wanted it to be a special command performance for Archie Goodwin and no one else around. And I was uneasy because it seemed quite possible that the hardships on the train and loss of sleep and getting shot at might have upset him so that he would forget the darned speech, but after the first ten minutes I saw there was nothing to worry about. He was sailing along. I took another sip of brandy and relaxed.

By the time he was half through I began to worry about something else. I glanced at my wrist. It was getting late. Charleston was only sixty miles away, and Tolman had said it was a good road and could easily be made in an hour and a half. Knowing how complicated the program was, it was my opinion that there wasn't much chance of getting away that night anyhow, but it would have ruined the setup entirely if anything had happened to Saul. So my second big relief came when the greenjacket from the hall entered softly from the parlor, as he had been instructed, and gave me the high sign. I sidled out of my chair with as little disturbance as possible and tiptoed out.

There in the small parlor sat a little guy with a big nose, in need of a shave, with an old brown cap hanging on his knee. He stood up and stuck out his hand and I took it with a grin.

'Hello, darling, I never would have thought that the time would come when you would look handsome to me. Turn around, how do you look behind?'

Saul Panzer demanded, 'How's Mr. Wolfe?'

'Swell. He's in there making a speech I taught him.'

'You sure he's all right?'

'Why not'Oh, you mean his casualty.' I waved a hand. 'A mere nothing. He thinks he's a hero. I wish to God they'd shoot me next time so he'd stop bragging. Have you got anything?'

Saul nodded. 'I've got everything.'

'Is there anything you heed to explain to Wolfe before he springs it?'

'I don't think so. I've got everything he asked for. The whole Charleston police force jumped into it.'

'Yeah, I know. My friend Mr. Tolman arranged that. I've got another friend named Odell that throws stones at people-remind me to tell you about it sometime. This is a jolly place. Then you wait here till you're called. I'd better go back in. Have you had anything to eat?'

He said his inside was attended to, and I left him. Back in the dining room again, I resumed my seat beside Constanza, and when Wolfe paused at the end of a paragraph, I took my handkerchief from my breast pocket, passed it across my lips, and put it back again. He gave me a fleeting glance to acknowledge the signal, he had reached the part about the introduction of file powder to the New Orleans market by the Choctaw Indians on Bayou Lacombe, so I knew he had got to page 14. It looked as though he was putting it over in good style. Even Domenico Rossi looked absorbed, in spite of the fact that in one place Wolfe specifically stated that in the three most important centers of American contributions to fine cooking-Louisiana, South Carolina, and New England-there had been no Italian influence whatever.

He reached the end. Even though I knew his program, and knew the time was short, I had supposed he would at least pause there, and perhaps give Louis Servan a chance to make a few remarks of appreciation, but he didn't even stop long enough for them to realize that the speech was finished. He looked around-a brief glance at the rectangle of faces-and went right on:

'I hope I won't bore you if I continue, but on another subject. I count on your forbearance, for what I have to say is as much in your interest as in my own. I have finished my remarks on cooking. Now I'm going to talk to you about murder. The murder of Phillip Laszio.'

There were stirs and murmurs. Lisette Putti squeaked. Louis Servan put up a hand:

'If you please. I would like to say, Mr. Wolfe does this by arrangement. It is distressing to end thus the dinner of Les Quinze Maitres but it appears& unavoidable. We do not even& however, there is no help& '

Ramsey Keith, glancing at Tolman, Malfi, Liggett, Ashley, growled inhospitably, 'So that's the reason these people-'

'Yes, that's the reason.' Wolfe was brisk. 'I beg you, all of you, don't blame me for intruding a painful subject into an occasion of festivity. The intruder was the man who killed Laszio, and thereby worked disaster on a joyous gathering, cast the gloom of suspicion over a group of eminent men, and ruined my holiday as well as yours. So not only do I have a special reason for rancor for that man'-he put the tip of a finger to his bandage-'but we all have a general one. Besides, before dinner I heard several of you complaining of the fact that you will all be detained here until the authorities release you. But you know that's a natural consequence of the misfortune that overtook you. The authorities can't be expected to let you disperse to the four corners of the earth as long as they have reason to suspect that one of you is a murderer. That's why I say I count on your forbearance. You can't leave here until the guilty man is discovered. So that's what I intend to do here and now. I'm going to expose the murderer, and demonstrate his guilt, before we leave this room.'

Lisette Putti squeaked again, and then covered her mouth with her palm. There were no murmurs. A few glanced around, but most of them kept their eyes on Wolfe.

He went on, 'First I think I'd better tell you what was done here-in this room-Tuesday evening, and then we can proceed to the question of who did it. There was nothing untoward until Mondor, Coyne, Keith and Servan had all been here and tasted the sauces. The instant Servan left, Laszio reached across the table and changed the position of the dishes, all but two. Doubtless he would have shifted those also if the door had not begun to open for the entrance of Berin. It was a childish and malicious trick intended to discredit Berin, and possibly Vukcic too. It may be that Laszio intended to replace the dishes when Berin left, but he didn't, because he was killed before he got a chance to.

'While Berin was in here the radio in the parlor was turned on. That was a prearranged signal for a man who was waiting for it out in the shrubbery. He was close enough to the parlor window-'

'Wait a minute!' The cry wasn't loud, nor explosive; it was quite composed. But everyone was startled into turning to Dina Laszio, who had uttered it. There was as little turmoil in her manner as in her voice, though maybe her eyes were a little longer and sleepier even than usual. They were directed at Wolfe: 'Do we interrupt you when you tell lies?'

'I think not, madam-granting your premise. If each of my statements is met with a challenge we'll never get anywhere. Why don't you wait till I'm through'By that time, if I have lied, you can bankrupt me with a suit for slander.'