Too Many Curses (11 page)

Tiama leaned over. Someone could've easily pushed her. There was no guarantee the wizardess would be killed by either the fall or the giant cuddly horror at the bottom. But Nessy didn't consider the consequences of such an action.
The notion of arranging the hopeful accident never once occurred to her. She was having more than enough difficulty remembering to lie.

Sir Thedeus might have suggested it, but he was safely tucked away on her back and under her shirt.

Tiama leaned farther until it seemed certain she would plummet. Then she leaned some more until her rigid body hovered at a gravity-defying angle over the pit. And if Nessy had been plotting a push, she would've realized it was doomed to fail.

Tiama rubbed her hands together and dancing sparkles fell to illuminate the pit. The saber-toothed koala shrank from the light while stuffing leaves in its drooling jaws.

"Interesting." A flat, neutral tone was the closest Tiama's voice came to pleasant.

Nessy waited patiently for the wizardess to finish her study of this latest offering of Margle's abominations. When Tiama was ready, she floated from the pit's edge.

"After all of Margle's bragging, I expected more. There's nothing here I haven't seen in a hundred other wizards' homes."

Nessy found herself insulted. This was the best castle she'd ever tended, and Margle's collections were peerless. She decided to skip ahead and show the prize of her master's bestiary.

"You've yet to see
THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT
BE
, madam. I assure you it will exceed your expectations."

"Lead on then, Nessy, with all due haste. I grow weary of these trifles." On the way, Tiama asked, "Is this nurgax bonded to you?"

"Yes, madam." Nessy had nearly forgotten about the ever-present creature. It followed her so obediently.

"And Margle allows this?"

Sir Thedeus popped up long enough to whisper in Nessy's ear. "Careful, lassie."

"The master intended to feed me to the creature, but it found another meal instead. Then bonded to me. All quite by accident, madam."

"And is there some reason he didn't kill you for such a transgression?"

"Perhaps he just hasn't gotten around to it yet, madam."

"I had no idea Margle was such a busy individual." If there was sarcasm in the comment, Tiama's flat voice devoured it.

Like many of the more horrible bestiary creatures,
THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
was kept in a pit. But this pit was twice as wide as any of the others, and there was a heavy iron door atop it. And another gate atop that. And a third gate atop that for good measure. Each with its own tremendous lock. Three towering stone statues stood watch, ever vigilant. When
THE MONSTER
banged and thrashed with special vigor, the sentinels would show signs of life.
They would raise their uncarved heads and clutch their granite swords. Once,
THE MONSTER
had pounded and thrashed strongly enough to dent the iron door, and the sentinels had stepped from their pedestals. But
THE MONSTER
eventually calmed, and they returned to their places. In addition, there was one final fail-safe: a ceiling of rusty ten-foot spikes, poised to both crush and impale anything in the chamber. The enchanted spikes hovered, and Nessy didn't think she'd ever be good enough with her own levitation spell to float them off the ground for a moment, much less years.

Nessy hadn't ever seen
THE MONSTER
clearly. In fact, she'd never seen
THE MONSTER
at all. But Margle had visited it regularly, and all those precautions surely meant it was a frightfully impressive thing.

Tiama, however, was less than excited as they approached. She yawned as wide as her thin mouth allowed.

Nessy opened the small trapdoor to the pit and threw in the mixture of raw meat, turnips, and griffin blood that was
THE MONSTER'S
meal.
THE MONSTER
belched and gurgled. A fetid stench assaulted Nessy's nostrils. She'd vomited the first several weeks she'd smelled it, but she'd grown accustomed to the stink for the few minutes she had to deal with it.

She stepped aside. "Would you like to have a look, madam?"

Tiama stood before the trapdoor and barely glanced
down. "I can't see anything. Why does your master insist on keeping it so dark in here?"

THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
howled, belched, howled again, and gurgled and belched simultaneously.

"Perhaps it would be wise to step back, madam. You don't want to antagonize it."

Tiama smiled clearly for the first time. "Quite the contrary, Nessy. I believe that is exactly what I want to do."

THE MONSTER
burped long and deeply. A putrid, brown cloud erupted from the trapdoor. Nessy and the nurgax stepped back, but Tiama stood as immobile as the sentinels.

"Is she mad?" asked Sir Thedeus. "She's sure to get herself killed."

Tiama waved her arm. The top lock opened with a groan, and the first gate slid back.
THE MONSTER
pounded against its prison, sensing one less barrier to its escape. The sentinels raised their weapons. Another wave of her arm opened the second gate, and the spikes overhead trembled.

THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
howled between gassy eruptions. A sentinel strode from its pedestal, nearly crushing Nessy underfoot.

"Perhaps it would be a good idea if we left now, lass."

Nessy, considerate a hostess as she was, agreed. They dashed out the chamber exit, only looking back once they were safely on the other side of the threshold.

Tiama seemed unaware of any presence save
THE MONSTER
's. She waved her arms for a third time, and the pit opened wide. A gleeful roar blasted upward and outward. The foul wind swept through the door and knocked Nessy off her feet. With teary eyes, she glimpsed the small blur of Tiama the Scarred, the much larger smudges of the sentinels, and the huge, indecipherable blot that was
THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
. A sentinel thrust its sword deep into
THE MONSTER
. A gush of red and black fluid spewed.
THE MONSTER
screamed and lashed out with a claw (or perhaps a tail or a tentacle). Each formidable sentinel was shattered with a single blow.
THE MONSTER
opened its giant maw (or perhaps many hundred smaller maws). It gurgled triumphantly, and Nessy was certain the castle was next to be destroyed by its wrath.

Thankfully, before her vision cleared, allowing her a sanity-risking true glimpse of
THE MONSTER
, the ceiling fell, mincing and burying everything in the chamber. Thunder shook the castle to its foundation. Clouds of choking dust erupted from the door. It covered Nessy in a heavy gray film. Sir Thedeus, though tucked in her shirt, wasn't spared. He poked out his sooty head and sneezed.

"I guess that takes care of that problem, eh, lass."

The nurgax nuzzled her. Not a glimpse of purple was evident under its own coat of dust. It licked her once. The
creature's thick saliva made the dust sticky in her fur. A most unpleasant sensation. But she endured it, waiting for the air to clear.

Tiama the Scarred stepped from the chamber, appearing as if by magic. Perhaps truly appearing by magic. The wizardess was untouched. Even the dust refused to cling to her.

"Ye gods." Sir Thedeus ducked himself away.

Tiama smiled. "Most delightful. At last, Margle has touched me. Now I believe I'm ready to retire for the evening."

It took a moment for Nessy to gather her wits, but she couldn't say she was honestly surprised. Wizards and wizardesses could be remarkably resilient.

The castle shook, and a thick tentacle pushed through the rubble.
THE MONSTER
screamed and stretched for Tiama. She showed no fear as the gnarled limb poised to lock her in its deadly embrace. She merely reached out, touched it with a single finger, and
THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
no longer was. There was no death rattle, no final spasm. It quietly and instantly perished.

Tiama's smile vanished. "Pity. It was a remarkable specimen."

In a long moment of thought that Tiama took again for Nessy's fearfulness, Nessy realized that the wizardess was going to be even more troublesome than she'd originally imagined. And she'd already imagined it to be a delicate, perhaps impossible situation. Rather than let the hopelessness
of it overcome her, she decided to take it one day at a time. With Tiama about to retire, this day was done. And tomorrow's challenges were too far away to concern herself over.

If you would wait here, madam, I'll make sure the guest chambers are properly prepared."

Tiama frowned. "Wasn't I expected? Shouldn't the room be ready?"

"Yes, madam. But the master receives so few visitors, the room might have suffered some unforeseen neglect." Nessy shuddered. Lying was hard enough, but feigning incompetence was nearly impossible. The guest room was never used, but she'd kept it ever ready with the thorough dedication upon which she took no small pride. "The master would never forgive me if it wasn't perfect for your arrival, madam. It'll only take a moment."

Nessy pushed open the door and slipped inside, shutting it behind her. The chambers were flawlessly arranged, save for a light layer of dust which she proceeded to wipe away.

Sir Thedeus slipped from her shirt and flew to the bedpost. "This witch is going to be a terrible difficulty, lass."

She gently lifted the cat dozing on the large bed.

Fortune the feline stirred sleepily. "It's bad luck to wake a black cat."

"I'll take my chances."

She set him down, and Fortune stretched and stretched and stretched again for good measure. "Did you say something about a witch?"

"Aye. A horrid creature. She killed
THE MONSTER
with one touch. One touch."

Fortune, who hadn't quite finished stretching, yawned. "Which monster was that? The one that lives under Nessy's bed or that smelly one locked in the wardrobe? Or maybe the one that lurks about the catacombs. Never liked that one. Anyone who lurks that much must be up to no good."

"None of those. 'Twas
THE MONSTER THAT SHOULD NOT BE
."

The cat licked his paw. "One touch, you say?"

"Aye."

"It's a good thing Margle's dead. Otherwise, he'd be very upset."

"Aye."

Nessy stroked Fortune between the ears. "Don't mention that again. Not while she's here."

He purred. "What's in it for me?"

Fortune had been a professional gambler, a dashing rogue,
a legend among gentlemen of luck, a beloved rascal among their women. Seeking the ultimate challenge, he'd wagered his fate against Margle's wealth on a single roll of the die. To most, this would've been madness. But Fortune trusted his luck as only the greatest gambler could. It'd never let him down before, not when it mattered.

But there was always a first time. Margle had made him a cat because he had always been one in all but body. And like any feline, he could be loyal and honorable, but his first priority was always his own comfort.

"I've heard witches are very fond of black cats."

Sir Thedeus fluttered about Fortune's head. "Ye traitorous bastard!"

"She's not a witch. She's a wizardess diabolic," said Nessy. "And I don't think this one has a fondness for any creature with only four legs. But I'll give you an extra serving of milk if you behave yourself."

Fortune's tail flicked. "A bowl now. Not a saucer."

She shook his extended paw. Fortune was a cat of his word and never went back on a deal. She supposed he was much like a demon that way except with less interest in sowing discord and devouring souls.

"Greedy prat," grumbled Sir Thedeus.

"It's bad luck to swear at a black cat."

Next, Nessy went to the chimney and coaxed the flame to life. It wasn't easy, for he was very stubborn. She tossed several logs into the fireplace, but he refused to blaze. She expected as much. Once, only once, she'd run behind and
forgotten to feed him his weekly log. He'd nearly extinguished and hadn't forgotten since.

"If you would please just burn a little brighter. Just long enough to take the chill from the air."

He stuck a tongue of yellow flame from under the firewood. "And what's in it for me? There's enough here to keep me ablaze for weeks, properly rationed. Why should I risk myself for some wizardess?"

Sir Thedeus groaned. "Is everyone mad? This witch'll take us all away. Or worse, plunder the castle and leave us here to rot forever in our curses. Stop being a gob and do yer task, lest she grows suspicious."

Nessy wished he possessed a touch more tact, but it convinced the fire to burn stronger. "Only to take away the chill. Not a single lick more."

Nessy dusted the full-length mirror in the corner. She gently tapped the glass. Her reflection covered its ears.

"Don't do that," said Melvin of the Mirrors. "Do you have any idea how annoying that is on this side of the glass?"

"I can't say that I do," she admitted, "but I needed to be certain I drew your attention. I need you to keep an eye on the wizardess for me. Can you do that?"

Melvin moved from Nessy's reflection to Sir Thedeus's. He spoke not only with the bat's voice, but the accent as well. "Ye needn't have asked. I'll keep ye informed should she move from this room."

"Thank you."

The guest chambers prepared to her satisfaction, she let
Tiama in. The wizardess glanced about with inscrutability verging on dissatisfaction.

"Will that be all, madam? Or can I make you comfortable in any other way? Perhaps some wine and cheese?"

Tiama scowled. "I long ago discarded such ridiculous appetites. Now leave me, Nessy, and don't disturb me lest you wish to lose your immortal soul."

She herded Nessy through the door and closed it with a quiet click.

"Immortal soul." Sir Thedeus snorted. "Why must witches always be so melodramatic?"

"Just part of the occupation," said Fortune. "You must admit it sounds better than merely threatening to boot her behind. I'll see you in the morning, Nessy. Remember now, it's bad luck to break a deal with a black cat." He licked his lips and strutted away.