Too Much to Lose (10 page)

We leave behind the busy
streets and head north. The rush of wind and the vibration of the bike is
exhilarating. I grin as Hunter takes us out onto a main road and we pick up
speed. I haven’t ridden a bike in so long but even my past experiences pale.
Hunter’s torso beneath my hands and the confident way he handles the motorbike
makes the experience a million times better. The man is so in control.

We stop briefly at a drive-through
and he hands me the bag of warm food. I put it between us, careful not to
squash it as he starts the bike again. I have no idea where he’s taking me and
for once, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything apart from the buzz of
freedom and Hunter. He slows down and brings the bike into a parking lot. I
glance around and realize we’re on Parliament Hill, overlooking the city. It’s
quiet for a Sunday, probably because the weather hasn’t warmed up enough yet,
but there’s a few dog walkers and families strolling across the hill.

Hunter climbs off and offers me
a hand. Once I’m standing in front of him, he unclasps my helmet and pulls it
off. I let him. It feels like the most natural thing, to allow him to take the
lead. It’s so nice not to have to take responsibility for everything in my life
for a change.

I run my hands over my hair and
grin at him, then pause and drop my hand. Still holding the helmets in one
hand, he leans forward. I tilt my head and his solemn expression makes the air
in my lungs stutter. His lips meet mine in a rush but this kiss is gentle. It
twists my heart.

I should be fighting this but
it’s impossible. He’s like no one I’ve ever met. Cocky, confident, in command.
And totally straight forward. I love how he lays things down. There’s no games
with him. He wants me as much as I want him. After so long being alone, hiding,
I’m weak against his onslaught.

Fingers tangling in his hair, I
relax into him. A primitive sound from him sends thrills skittering through me
and I part my lips, give him access. My legs judder when his tongue touches
mine. He must still be holding the helmets as he doesn’t touch me. I’m dying
for his hands on my skin, but at the same time, I’m grateful not to be
distracted by his touch. It’s too electrifying. This way I can twine my fingers
through the softness of his dark hair and trace down the back of his neck. I
luxuriate in the strength of those shoulders and bring my palms to his chest.
His heart pounds against my hand, strong and sure, echoing the qualities I
admire in him.

“Hunter,” I whisper when he
pulls back briefly.

It breaks the spell. He jolts
and rips his mouth fully from mine. We stand close enough that I could go on
tiptoes and be connected once more, but the conflict in his blue eyes prevents
me. Several breaths pass between us before he draws away completely and I miss
the heat of him against my hands.

“Sorry,” he says gruffly. “I
told you you’d be safe with me.”

Should I be grateful he broke
things off? Yes. But I can’t be. No one has ever kissed me like that. I want
more. I thought I’d learned my lesson with my ex but clearly not.

“You said I’d be safe,” I
remind him. “You didn’t say you wouldn’t kiss me.”

His lips tilt and he eyes me
from under his brow. The miasma of colours in his eyes holds me captive.

“I told myself I wouldn’t.”

“Why?”

Hunter studies me and turns
abruptly. “Christ,” he mutters. Placing the helmets on the Harley, he faces me.
 “Let’s find somewhere to eat.” He points to a bench nearby. “That will do.”

Coldness eats into me, a knot
gathers inside. Why didn’t he want to kiss me? He’s the one who has pressed and
cajoled me into spending time with him and now he’s regretting kissing me? Have
I pushed him away somehow? Perhaps he believes I don’t want to be kissed. After
all, he kissed me first last time and I’ve been pretty reluctant. I snort
inwardly. I’m fickle. Now he’s turned off the heat, I want more. I thought I
was better than that.

I follow him to the bench like
a little lost puppy, feeling foolish. His rejection has dented my pride, for
sure. We sit and he hands me the muffin. I unpeel it and when he takes the
wrapper from me to chuck it in the trash next to us, I bristle.

“What’s wrong?”

I swear he is too observant.
“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t a woman only say
‘nothing’ when something is wrong?”

I swivel to face him. “I don’t
need you babying me. I know I must seem pretty helpless to you. Can’t even look
after myself while suffering with a migraine, but I’m not really….”

His twisted smile drops. “I
know you’re not. I don’t mean to, princess. Guess it’s in my nature. I won’t
make any excuses for that.”

Now I feel an idiot.
He
shouldn’t have to make excuses for taking care of me.
I
should be apologizing
for behaving like an angsty teenager.

“It’s okay, I just… I’m not
used to it, that’s all.”

“I can see that, Jess. If it
helps, I think you’re a pretty tough woman. I just can’t help wanting to take
care of you.”

How does he make me go from
turned on, to pissed off, to mushy inside in the space of five minutes? For
want of anything to say, I bite into the breakfast muffin. I stare at the city
below, imagine the pollution and the heavy traffic, the tourists crowding the
streets and the noise. Up here, with Hunter, it’s a world away. I like the
excitement of living in London most of the time—it’s far removed from the small
town I grew up in—but sometimes it feels too big for me. It seemed like the
best place to get lost and I knew it a little from having worked in a couple of
studios here, but I’m not sure it will ever feel like home.

However, here and now, I’m more
comfortable than I’ve been in years. Is it the setting or the company? Who am I
kidding? We finish up our food in silence—all awkwardness gone. I have no idea
what I’m doing here. Is it a date? Two friends who just happen to keep kissing
each other?

Hunter throws his wrapper in
the bin, leans back and stretches his arm across the bench behind me. I can’t
resist a smile at the cheesy move.

“You back to work tomorrow?” he
asks.

“Yeah.” I hold back a sigh.
Back to normal. Back to working all hours. This break from my normal routine
might be nice but it can’t last. I can’t help thinking I should make the most
of it. Enjoy a few hours with Hunter then gently tell him that’s it for us.
I’ve got too much on my plate, I’ll say.

His fingers rest lightly on my
shoulder. How I can feel them through the thick leather jacket, I don’t know,
but I could swear they are burning through it. “You never did say why you
called.”

“When?”

“When I had my migraine?”

“Oh, uh, looking for some
advice I guess.”

“I’ll do my best to help, you
know. I wouldn’t want you to lose your mum’s house.”

His Adam’s apple works and he
remains silent for a moment. “Banking, huh? What made you choose that?”

Warmth seeps into my face. “It
sounds geeky but I’m good with numbers. I didn’t know what else to do and
there’s always jobs in banking. The accounting course wasn’t too long or
expensive so I decided to go for it.”

 “Sounds like you have it all
figured out.” He glances at me, that odd half smile on his lips—the one that
confuses the hell out of me.

“I don’t think I have anything
figured out. I wish I did.”

“I don’t think anyone does.” He
snorts. “I sure don’t.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“What do you mean?” He turns to
face me.

“You’re so in control. I bet
you’ve always known exactly where you’re going and what you’re doing.”

Hunter stares at me for a
moment, gaze boring into mine. The oddest glimmer of uncertainty flickers in
his gaze, but he releases a low chuckle. “I used to think I was in control but
recently… I’m not so sure. Don’t forget I’m close to losing my home.”

Guilt strikes me. It doesn’t
matter that I’m not the one taking his house from him. I hope I can do
something to help. He’s a good man. Hunter definitely doesn’t deserve to lose
everything.

“So what did you want to do as
a kid if you didn’t want to be a…” He waves his hand looking for a word.

“Customer Adviser.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. Lawyer, writer,
teacher, cop... tooth fairy,” I add with a grin.

“I could see you in a little
tutu.” He shakes his head.

“What?”

“Let’s just say I never thought
I’d be fantasizing about the tooth fairy.”

“F-fantasizing?”

His chest heaves, as if
surrendering to something. “Yeah. Goddamn, what are you doing to me, Jess?”
Hunter twists to face me fully, the hand on my shoulder eases me closer and sweeps
aside a strand of hair from my face.

Rough fingertips on my forehead
stop me from breathing, but someone cycles past and it’s over. His hand hovers
not far from my cheek and he curls it into a fist before dropping it to his
side. I tamp down the disappointment. Just because I want to enjoy my day with
Hunter, doesn’t mean I want him to spend the whole day kissing me—well, maybe I
do—but I don’t need to make saying goodbye to him any harder than it already
will be.

I stare at my hands, embarrassed
by how pathetic I am—how pathetic I must seem.
Imagine what he must think.
Jess is so lonely, so tragic she’ll take any attention she can get.
I guess
I can’t blame him for trying to be noble. Who’d want to kiss me anyway?

“So... tooth fairy, huh?”

“Yeah….”

“What did your parents think of
that?”

I shrug. “My memories are
pretty fuzzy—mostly limited to holidays and stuff like that.”

“What about your… guardians?”

“I…” I peer at him. “What does
it matter?”

“It’s your past isn’t it,
princess? It matters.”

With a shake of my head, I
manage not to fall prey to the compelling look in his eyes. I’ve had too many
close calls with Hunter and he
definitely
knows too much about me
already. “None of it matters.”

“It does to me.”

I lean back against the bench
and admire the view. “Hunter, you’re a real rarity, you know that?”

I close my eyes and savour his
laugh. He might be curious about my past but as far as I’m concerned, it’s
better where it is. I won’t be sharing any of the sordid details with him any
time soon. For today, I’m just a normal girl and he is… well, he’s Hunter, and
it’s a beautiful Sunday and I’m going to enjoy it, just this once.

Hunter

By late afternoon, I still have
nothing from her. Every time I think she’s going to open up to me, she clams
up. We shared a late lunch in a café on the outskirts of the city. The
atmosphere was too intimate for my liking but perfect for persuading her to
tell me everything. Every time she crossed her legs, they brushed mine and it
took all my willpower to keep from throwing her over my shoulder and taking her
home to ravish her. I scrape a hand through my hair as we wait for a car to
pass before walking over to my bike in the busy car park. Some investigator I
am. I probably could have got more from her if I hadn’t been thinking about how
much I wanted to kiss her again.

And I should never have done it
in the first place. I don’t even know what came over me. She took off the
helmet and excitement blazed in her eyes, the thrill of the ride coursed through
her veins just as it did mine. With her hair mussed, her lips parted, she
looked like perfection and I was lost. I have this God-awful feeling she’s the
same as me. Focused, determined, yet loves the buzz of freedom. A crazy
concoction. A compelling, irresistible one.

Fuck.

I help her with the helmet,
unable to resist. She beams at me. Those green eyes sparkle and guilt swirls in
my gut. Crazy, maybe, but also totally guileless. And growing more open with
every second. I smirk to myself as I put on my own helmet. Poor girl. No idea
I’m out to screw her over. She’s put all this effort into hiding and I’m
planning to blow it wide open. I scowl. When did I start feeling sorry for her?

I get on the bike and she
climbs on behind me. Her hold is tighter now, another indication of her growing
trust. Jess’s hands hover too close to my crotch for my liking. I grit my jaw,
start up the bike and ease out of the car park. Her long legs frame me
perfectly—too perfectly. As I navigate the darkening streets, images pollute my
mind. Golden skin, parted lips, Jess’s dark hair tousled and slightly damp. Plunging
into her until she screams my name.

Godammit, now I’m hard. When
have I ever had such difficulty controlling myself? My whole livelihood is at
stake here. I need to get a fucking hold of myself.

I pull up outside the Peckham
apartment block and turn the engine off. A long breath escapes me. The torture
is about to end but I still have very little from her. The thought that I
should just take her to bed and fuck her secrets from her skitters through my
mind but I haven’t sunk that low yet.